Wife no longer interested since kids - advice

[Swimmingtosurvive]

Really would appreciate another perspective in this situation from somebody who may have been in a similar boat.

Me and wife have been together for 19 years, married for 12 and now have two kids (8 and 5). Since kids have been born our relationship has nose dived. We have maybe 1 date night a year but even that is stopping. We haven't been intimate since second child was born. It just feels like there's nothing left.

I feel like I've tried to make an effort. Quite a few times I've tried to arrange for us to go out or have a date night at home, but it's been refused. I try to go out of my way to be there and help her. Yet it isn't reciprocal.

I'm fully aware that the situation will be down to both of us and that I will have made mistakes that contribute to this. I have tried to speak to my wife about it. She has just said that since having the kids she has no interest in spending time with me but that I've done nothing wrong. The kids are here focus.

My worry is that if we don't look after our relationship, it is ultimately going to affect the kids and when they leave home we'll be left with nothing. That hurt really badly and I've been having some counselling since. She would not agree to couples therapy when I suggested it.

Would really appreciate some advice. Maybe there's something I've missed or someone has had similar feelings to me/wife. Any thing will help.

Because that poster is determined to make the OP to blame. She is determined to make sure the wife is in no way culpable for this situation. He must be having an affair, he must have somebody lined up, he must he a shit husband and a terrible father, nobody gives up a sexual relationship without it being the OP's fault. Last night it was "tee hee" at "ruffled feathers". Just grow up 🙄. Clearly hasn't read anything, just keeps coming back to goad. Ignore.

@TheFormidableMrsC ahhh right, I'll ignore the twerp in future, typical anti men bs isn't it.

@Swimmingtosurvive I wonder if it might be helpful to schedule a time to talk when the children aren’t around?

It does sound like there may be some deeply held resentment. Can you ask her if this is the case? Perhaps ask if there is anything that she needs you to do/change so that the marriage can be saved? If there isn’t, the conversation does need to be centred around going your separate ways I’m guessing? Especially if she isn’t willing to work with a relationship counsellor to resolve this.

She's already said she's not willing to do anything to change things. She's not willing to have counselling, she's happy for OP to proceed as he sees fit. What she means is she doesn't want to be the bad guy, she wants to carry on being bankrolled and having pretend "family time".

I can guarantee that if OP decides to end the marriage, she'll become the victim.

Exactly @TheFormidableMrsC I wonder how many years he should be expected to keep flogging a dead horse. its already been five , ten? 15??
28???!

Doesn't sound like that at all. There's a real risk to her lifestyle now and she's not throwing him any bone to try to keep him in the relationship. She's not even trying to pretend that things could change in future.

She seems ok with him ending it if that's what he wants to do. So I can't see her acting like a victim if he ends the relationship tbh.

@kkloo I hope you're right!!

According to some he should just suck it all up and remember he's to blame. I have to say I don't like men much, no inclination to go near one again but I do feel that this chap has had a bad time. Everybody deserves to be happy, life is too short for this shit.

I've been keeping up with this thread. @SSwimmingtosurvive your wife unfortunately has made it clear she doesn't want things to change.

She has completely disengaged from the relationship and you. She is also 100% using you and your money.

She wants you to end it, so she can carry on being a martyr.

There's more to what she's doing than meets the eye. It doesn't make sense. Why is she willing to stay in an unfulfilling relationship? Besides the nice lifestyle, being bankrolled and for being a 'family'. If those were 100% her main objectives, you'd think she would give some ground somewhere.

Personally, I think it's because she doesn't believe you or that you have it in you to end the relationship. She's unemotional because she's detached and frankly doesn't give a fuck. But, fear hasn't set in yet for some reason. You would think she would be worried/fearful about the financial implications of divorce and helping to raise the kids at the very least. Unless she thinks or has had professional advice as well and is under the impression she will take you through the cleaners.

Honestly, scratching my head over this one.

I think you're doing the right thing and when the time is right for you, I do believe you will pull that trigger. But first, you've got to go through the motions and come to terms with the reality of it all. You need to begin grieving and healing and both may be a long way off yet.

@Swimmingtosurvive I hope things are better for you now

Your wife is a selfish idiot to be blunt. You have tried everything. Please don’t let guilt at instigating the split lead you to sacrificing time with your children you don’t have to. She must be expecting to give you maximum every second weekend contact to be so blase about this. In your shoes I’d go for 50/50, and she can see how comforting it is knowing she never has to put up with the benches being wiped a little differently. That might sound harsh but honestly you deserve the opportunity of adult human connection in your life, and she made those promises to you when you married and now coldbloodedly says she doesn’t care.

Please stop trying, it takes 2 to try and fix a marriage and your just suffering needlessly now.

I think she's really cold to be honest. Not because she's said she doesn't love you, if that needs to be said it needs to be said but when it is, the marriage should be ended by her, not you.

I'd never in a million years say to my husband I don't love you but stay for the kids. That's almost guilting you into staying in a loveless marriage. Then to say she doesn't want to spend time just the 2 of you is actually cruel it really is, Even if I didn't love my husband anymore Id still like him and want to spend time with him.

The truth is she spent so much time controlling everything that she grew tired of it but she can't stop doing it because she's a control freak. What she's acctually looking for is for someone to do things exactly as she wants them, but OP that's a controlling relationship, you won't be happy.

Something is definitely amiss about the coldness from her in your conversations, it's almost like she just does not care that your In so much pain from this. Personally I feel she's so cold and distant that there could be someone else involved but you would know that better than me.

She was so blunt and cold, she made you cry. I'd be out of my mind with guilt if I ever made my husband cry.

It's time to walk away, change is scary I know but your going to look back in this in a year maybe 2 and be so so glad you took that leap.

Take control tell her today you will live together until you find somewhere else but it's over, your both now single. File for divorce and move on with your life.

I feel like she will regret losing you down the line though you seem like a great dad and husband

She told him she doesn't love him, doesn't want to spend time with him and doesn't care If he leaves.

What's to stay for? I wouldn't Need a bunch of people on mums net to convince me of anything.

This poor guy has done absolutely everything he can to save this marriage, she's done the opposite. It's over for them. Done, he needs to find happiness elsewhere or he will end up alone and old because he did what she wanted and stayed for the kids! He's not even leaving the kids, he's leaving a loveless marriage.

Sorry you're going through this, can you have a grandparent take the children or get a babysitter and surprise her with dinner ? 5 and 8 they're getting more independent . Maybe get a counselor involved.

I think she has someone lined up to take over the job if I'm honest.... I hate saying that out loud because OP is on here, even if it isnt that, I also thinks she thinks OP is such a nice person he's still gonna help her (which i think he likely would) or that he won't really leave.

Perhaps read the thread.

@Swimmingtosurvive Hi op how are things now ?

Hi! I’d love to know how you are doing too OP. I’ve followed your post with interest and empathy. I’m in the position where my husband is having an EA (hopefully not much more…) and I’d do anything to see him try to save the marriage like you are. Take care.

We are divorcing. It's early stages but will happen.

She eventually agreed to couples therapy so we went for an initial appointment. The therapist asked what we both wanted out of the sessions. I said that Id like us to be able to communicate better and to begin to grow our relationship again. She said she wanted me to have the opportunity to come to understand her point of view. After a couple of sessions the therapist said she didn't see it being beneficial.

Wife said some horrible and bizarre to things during the sessions and in private. Like I should have an affair but stay with her. Or that we should still live together after divorce until one of us finds a new partner. That I would never find anyone like her and that if I walk away I will be lonely for the rest of my life. That I don't realize how lucky I am to have her.

I said I wanted to separate and have moved into the spare room while we get the house sorted and on the market. Wife has been better with me during this time and it's been nice to have a joint project. But I'm sticking to my guns and have somewhere to move into in about a months time - waiting for the flat to be ready and for finances to be sorted for the upfront cost.

I have a good support network around me so am leaning heavily on them. They are great and have kept me going. Even been able to take the kids a few times to meet some of my friends and their kids to start building new friends for them for the times they're with me.

So glad to hear from you OP. I'm sad on your behalf to hear the update, but not at all surprised that your wife wants to try to keep some semblance of her current life, as that suited her down to the ground, but at your cost. It really does begger belief that she thinks it's ok to do that and not think about what you want out of life.

I really do wish you the very best in the next stage of your life, which I'm sure, in time will be much better than the previous. You deserve it. xx

I’m sorry to hear your update, but pleased that you’re now able to move forward. That was no way to live.
Her latest comments to you are very unkind, ignore them, move on with your life with your children. And you will be happy again!

Well @Swimmingtosurvive there's no coming back from that. Move forward. One day she may realise that she's actually happier in her new life too.

The children are both your priorities now.

Wow, this seems crazy. Has your wife acknowledged that her life will look absolutely nothing like it does now after separation, and about as far away from her ideal as she could get? That she will more than likely be working, and away from her children up to 50% of the time?

@Swimmingtosurvive
Great to hear that you're making excellent progress with your relationship with your DC's and putting space between you and your wife.
How is she with it all? Does she now understand the reality of her 'new' life and is she finally looking for paid work?
Please be cautious that she doesn't try to reel you back in with behavioural changes or sex as once it sinks in that her cushy number is over - she may resort to desperate measures to rebalance in her favour.

I'm sorry that it's come to this, but you can hand on heart say you've tried everything possible.
You sound like you are moving forward in a positive way for you and the children.
I think you'll be much happier in time now you're no longer flogging a dead horse.i wish you much happiness in your future life.