Wife no longer interested since kids - advice

[Swimmingtosurvive]

Really would appreciate another perspective in this situation from somebody who may have been in a similar boat.

Me and wife have been together for 19 years, married for 12 and now have two kids (8 and 5). Since kids have been born our relationship has nose dived. We have maybe 1 date night a year but even that is stopping. We haven't been intimate since second child was born. It just feels like there's nothing left.

I feel like I've tried to make an effort. Quite a few times I've tried to arrange for us to go out or have a date night at home, but it's been refused. I try to go out of my way to be there and help her. Yet it isn't reciprocal.

I'm fully aware that the situation will be down to both of us and that I will have made mistakes that contribute to this. I have tried to speak to my wife about it. She has just said that since having the kids she has no interest in spending time with me but that I've done nothing wrong. The kids are here focus.

My worry is that if we don't look after our relationship, it is ultimately going to affect the kids and when they leave home we'll be left with nothing. That hurt really badly and I've been having some counselling since. She would not agree to couples therapy when I suggested it.

Would really appreciate some advice. Maybe there's something I've missed or someone has had similar feelings to me/wife. Any thing will help.

Tee Hee, thought it would ruffle a few feathers.

Nineteen years together and not one but two children born after eleven years together, well thought out family.

This woman loved him.

He's hurt her, she won't or can't forgive and now the relationship is in limbo, it happens a lot, he hinted at blame in the first post.

@FiveZoo
Are you on glue? Or just bored? I don't think that you've added a single sensible, untwatty comment on this thread.
Or are you....(stops for dramatic Miss Marple type hushed pause)........Mrs Swimming? (Gasp!!!!)

No he did not! She's already said he's done nothing wrong. She's got a bit on the side at the gym or the art classes but wants to be financially supported and do fuck all else. Women like this are everywhere. I know one or two unfortunately. However, it can't possibly be a woman thing can it?

I hope the OP gets himself out of this joke of a marriage and can rebuild his life. I think we all feel like that, apart from you.

What a load of twaddle, remove head from arse before posting, oh and try actually reading the posts, you've made yourself look like a complete moron with all your psycho babble.

@Southern68
Um....ok? What psychobabble have I spouted?

She was on here a few months ago!! I read her post!!!

I think that might have been aimed at the five zoo idiot.

@MothralovesGojira im so sorry, it was actually meant for five zoo.

@Southern68
Well thank goodness for that. I thought that I may have to change over to my Columbo Mac and accuse you of being Mrs Swimming 😎😆🤔!

@MothralovesGojira im def not being a Mrs again, tried it twice and that's enough 😂

Wow, FiveZoo really does love her own narrative.

Op looking at your schedule, you have no time for yourself.

Maybe start going to the gym snd working out. this is a complete guess but you will start feeling a 100% better about your self.

It's taken the op, approximately 7 days from coming onto this forum to decide to move on, he said he's looking forward to the future. This is coming from someone who was willing to do anything to save his marriage and not leave his two young children behind.

Op, just remember you cannot go back.

I am entitled to my opinion, everyone goading him to leave his family have not heard both sides of the story and I agree about the motives of him coming to a predominantly female forum.

And I think there are some naive people on here.

@FiveZoo But the PROBLEM hasnt been going on for seven days has it. Its been going on for five years

My worry is that if we don't look after our relationship, it is ultimately going to affect the kids and when they leave home we'll be left with nothing. That hurt really badly and I've been having some counselling since. She would not agree to couples therapy when I suggested it.

Have you been really explicit about the fact you are very worried for your relationship and that the two of you need to sort this out via counselling etc. I don't mean issue an ultimatum "I will break up with you if you don't do counselling/have sex more" (really don't do the latter). But in terms of the relationship can't survive without communication.

I don't think the people trying to guess what the OP has done wrong are helping. Yes you might well be part of the problem but is she isn't willing to talk about it you can't fix it. People can suggest ideas (based on their own experiences) but we could be sending OP of on a goose chase - doing more ironing etc because someone found that an issue in their marriage. We aren't married to you your wife is so she's the only person who can say if you are making some dreadful mistake. But if she isn't even willing to do couples therapy/talk then that's not great...

I missed that update.
The thing is, if he is only providing the information he thinks will elicit a particular response, or framing the situation in a way that makes the relationship look unsalvageable to other posters then he has actually already made up his mind anyway.

Come back on here following notifications about replies. It's been a busy time.

@FiveZoo I don't think I have ever said that I am blameless. I have tried to see if there is anything that I have done wrong or anything that I need to work on, but I have never been told. When I have assumed things or tried to take responsibility that tends to not work. Honestly, if I knew there was something then I would be working on it. My dream would be to make our marriage work again but as you will see from the thread, it is a one sided commitment to making things work.

This situation has been going on for years, it's not like I've suddenly found myself in the situation. Since my last post I have had some legal advice and have begun to make arrangements in case of a divorce. But its not as straight forward as that because these things take time and I still need to know that I have tried everything I can to save my marriage before taking the final steps and leaving.

If that means having a sexless but loving marriage where we once again have an emotional connection then that's fine. I just want to feel like I am valued again in the relationship.

@Swimmingtosurvive

Have you plainly said that to your wife?

If she will not talk or go to councelling have you said you've sought legal advice about divorce ?

Give her the option of doing so herself ?

That conversation may provide results or answers.

@FiveZoo Yes I have had that conversation. She knows that I want to work on the marriage but is holding onto the line of there's nothing she wants to change and no compromises that she will make.

She knows that I have looked into legal advice and have looked through finances. I have suggested both couples counselling and also mediation but she does not want to go down either of these routes.

She has said it is down to me whether I stay or leave. Very unemotional about it all, other than saying that she would miss time together as a family if I left.

You're prepared to live like a monk. Sheesh your sex drive is pretty low. If it's always been this low your wife may just have given up @Swimmingtosurvive

@Swimmingtosurvive I would say the time has come to say that you have given it everything! Sorry

I think we need to look at the facts

• your wife has been feeling resentment for years and has repeatedly told you nothing is wrong
• she's not* *willing to have a romantic (or even platonic) marriage with you.
• she doesn't feel safe to talk to you about her feelings (I'm not blaming you for this)
• she isn't willing to go to counselling with you (but I'm sure she'd seek additional tutoring and training for one of her hobbies)
• she's happy to do this weird mother-father-butdefinitelynotfriends-marriage for a whole extra DECADE.

I've only read your posts and not PPs, but have you considered whether she's having an affair? Her disinterest, lack of even wanting to be nice to you or spend time with you, lack of wanting to try counseling etc make me think she's getting her emotional needs met elsewhere. Hopefully I'm way off the mark here.

You mentioned earlier that you worry that divorce = you've failed as a husband. This would be true if your wife had been on the same page as you the entire time. In reality, she's been closed off for years. No one could succeed in this marriage. It's not you failing, so please work to get that out of your head or it will mess you up.

How the future could possible look
Take a second to sit back and imagine this reality happening at some point in the future...

• your children have a loving stepmother who values and cares about her own needs, your needs, and the children's needs.
• you meeting a woman who holds your hand, cuddles you after a hard day, wants to go to gigs with you, texts you throughout the day just to see how you are.
• you having time with just you and your kids to tidy the sides how you want, pack lunches exactly how you want etc without worrying what your wife is thinking.
• being able to plan date nights and holidays with your new girlfriend.
• having more time to do your hobbies (and maybe even start some new ones!).
• seeing your ex happy and emotionally engaged with someone else who fulfills her (I can sense from your messages that you're the kind of person who just wants to see her happy 💖).

All of these things are totally possible! These are not things that will be impossible in the slightest. Don't let your brain tell you these things are impossible.

It sounds like you’ve done everything humanly possible to make your marriage work. At the end of the day you can only deal with your own responsibilities, behaviours and affections in a marriage, you can’t do it for both of you. I can see that being sure you’ve done all you can to save the marriage is very important to you and I really respect that - it takes patience and courage to stick it out over years when you’re getting no love and affection in return and you have shown both of these qualities. I’m really not sure what else you can do as you seem to have gone the extra mile when it comes to showing care, understanding and support to your wife. You have also tried very hard to find out the root of the issue and put it right but you can’t put something right if you don’t know what it is. The idea of ‘I can’t spend time with you’ is very perplexing. Why ‘can’t’ rather than ‘I don’t want to’? I’m not sure you’ll ever get to the bottom of this if she won’t offer further explanation.

It must have been a very hard few years for you. Lack of affection slowly hollows you out, especially when it’s not forthcoming from the very person who has promised to love and cherish you for the rest of your life. The fact you have stayed calm, patient and loyal with your wife through it all is hugely to your credit. I have had no sense at all of you running her down or complaining about her even though you must be hurting badly. Please look after yourself and find the support you need for whatever you decide to do next. Be gentle with yourself and allow time and resources to build yourself back up again. I really really hope that the future starts to look brighter for you soon.

And ignore the nasty and ridiculously personal assumptions on here, you really don’t need that right now.

Have you even read this thread??

Why oh flipping why @FiveZoo are you asking questions that if you've read the thread you'd know the answer to.

How helpful is it to the gentleman who posted the thread. He must be pulling his hair out with all the unhelpful suggestions and questions that he's answered multiple times.
Give it a rest, and give the poor op a break!