Wife no longer interested since kids - advice

[Swimmingtosurvive]

Really would appreciate another perspective in this situation from somebody who may have been in a similar boat.

Me and wife have been together for 19 years, married for 12 and now have two kids (8 and 5). Since kids have been born our relationship has nose dived. We have maybe 1 date night a year but even that is stopping. We haven't been intimate since second child was born. It just feels like there's nothing left.

I feel like I've tried to make an effort. Quite a few times I've tried to arrange for us to go out or have a date night at home, but it's been refused. I try to go out of my way to be there and help her. Yet it isn't reciprocal.

I'm fully aware that the situation will be down to both of us and that I will have made mistakes that contribute to this. I have tried to speak to my wife about it. She has just said that since having the kids she has no interest in spending time with me but that I've done nothing wrong. The kids are here focus.

My worry is that if we don't look after our relationship, it is ultimately going to affect the kids and when they leave home we'll be left with nothing. That hurt really badly and I've been having some counselling since. She would not agree to couples therapy when I suggested it.

Would really appreciate some advice. Maybe there's something I've missed or someone has had similar feelings to me/wife. Any thing will help.

having read all your comments OP Im really sorry - it sounds a horrible thing to go through - you are alone within a relationship - the worst feeling in the world.

She is being controlling, cold and critical - encouraging you to stay while telling you she will give you no warmth, no love, no friendship (friendship does not exist unless there is commitment to the relationship)

She is aware this is hurting you and doesn't care.

She wants the 'front' of a marriage but is not prepared to work on it - not any time alone for 10/15 years?!

She is emotionally abusive I would say - totally cold and cutting you off.

How could any warm person want their partner to put up with a loveless relationship?

She is also guilting you over your natural desire to either resolve this more openly or leave.

She knows you will now feel guilty if you leave - but she is denying you thee basics of a relationship.

I think after reading your post about how she doesn't like the way you clean surfaces, that she's well and truly at 'bitch eating crackers' stage with you - basically she doesn't love, doesn't even like you that much and everything you do annoys her...even something as simple as that. She does everything right, you do everything wrong.

I personally think there's no coming back once you are at that stage. Even if you started doing everything she's already mentioned exactly the same as her - she'd find something else to pick on.

Leaving is really the best thing you can do, your children are going to start to pick up that their mother doesn't actually like/love their father (if they haven't already). I knew before I was 10 that my father didn't love my mother. My mother stayed 'for the children' at it was the worst decision she could have made.

Everything is out there waiting for you, OP. You won't know yourself in 12 months time - You will find your real self again. I know that doesn't feel helpful at the moment, but this is the right thing to do. Be your own best friend here. Think about the future you and plan your strategy for access to the children and get all the advice you can. You sound like a catch to me, but a little beaten down. You can get yourself back, fella.

Nobody said she wasn't allowed to fall out of love. Everybody has the right to do that and end a marriage that they no longer want. She's not doing that though, is she? She wants to be financially supported so she doesn't have to work, she wants to go to the gym, lunches out and "focus on the kids" while leaving the work around the home to the OP who works full time. She's withholding affection, sex, told him she doesn't love him but wants him to be around "for the family" because it suits her. I'm sorry but that's not on and it's cruel. Sure she can leave the marriage but she can get a bloody job and start supporting her own lifestyle.

@InWithPeaceOutWithStress

I certainly don't think @Swimmingtosurvive 's wife is evil - it's all just unfortunate.

I fell out of love with my husband, it too was a gradual thing. There's nothing sadder than realising that you can't actually remember being in love with them at all...for me personally I know I must have been in love with him at one point. And it wasn't just the whole being 'in love' with him I lost, it was feeling love for him full stop - at best I saw him as a good friend. Like the OP's wife I didn't want to have sex with him ever again. We were 'lucky' that we didn't have children (neither wanted them) and that made our split easier.

However expecting the OP to go through the rest of his life knowing his wife doesn't love him and only wants him there for the children is not fair. It would be living a lie and even worse, involving the children in that lie.

Sure. But maybe she is only just realising where she stands with her feelings, and has genuinely been focusing on her children.

You deserve better. Well done on having difficult conversations. Resentment is poison. It's time to go.

Sounds like she's always at least been honest that this is the type of 'marriage' he was staying in...and she hasn't made any false promises that things would change or improve.

He said in one post she said something about how they would have to think about stability for the kids which was manipulative but it sounds like now at least she is telling him it's his choice to make. She doesn't sound like she's trying to force him to stay.

It's not withholding sex to not have sex when you don't want to. She doesn't love him, she's not in love so why would she be having sex with him 😐Not having sex or showing affection is a sign the marriage is fucked, it's not some bad behaviour of hers.

Of course SAHPs can stop loving people, but then they should have the decency to end the relationship and stop sponging of the person that they no longer love.

The OP's children are in school and he does at least his share of the housework so the only person who is really benefiting from the SAH arrangement at this point is the wife. She is having a lovely relaxing time, going to the gym and meeting her friends etc, all at the expense of a man to whom she is staying married purely for convenience.

Surely she should at least be making an effort to find a job and support herself at this point? It's fine to support each other if you actually have a relationship but it's taking the piss if you're just using someone for their money.

She sounds spoilt and entitled.
clearly she’s been putting herself and her needs first for years.
you are the main breadwinner she still expects you to do a lot of chores.
I’d get out and about more with friends and start to build up more of an independent life as I prelude to leaving.
Also accept she will never change.
Ironically maybe you are being too nice and she can get away with what sounds like borderline abuse

Could there be an OM?

Unfortunately as with many people with kids they will stay in relationships they don't want to be in for convenience or for the kids.
Or many people do the same even if kids weren't involved, it sounds like they had over 10 years of good years.
People do convince themselves they're doing the right thing keeping the family intact even if the relationship is dead.
She at least has been honest that he can't expect a normal loving relationship and marriage.
The one who is the unhappiest is normally the one who leaves, people don't tend to set their partner free by leaving them even though that's what people think they should do.

That ship had sailed, I'm afraid.
Full stop.
😐

So you are getting divorced.

What are your plans for the dcs @Swimmingtosurvive ?
Are you going to look after them 50% of the time?
Are you including them in your plan to leave?

Except that the OP has benefitted of the arrangement too.
In his career
In his ability to see his dcs everyday
In having someone supporting him (because I dint believe he has ever dine 50% of all the how and parenting. Being involved yes but not to the extend he feels he has)
in saving the cost of nursery (aka they might well not have been much better if she had worked!)

So no I fully disagree she was the only one that benefitted from the arrangement.

Flipping hell give the guy chance to breathe, he's only just made the decision to start making plans. He needs to devote time to making decisions.

Well I don’t know about you but if I’m thinking of leaving, my dc’s are my first priority.
Because actually deciding all that will decide all the rest. Like where will I live (eg close to their school if 50/50), can I manage my job etc….

Ofc if the OP decides that EOW is a good starting point, he has no need to be as careful and will be freer to do whatever fits him iyswim

But seeing he has said he was doing the parenting side 50/50, was a very involved dad and not just helping, I’d expect him to want the 50/50?

(Whatever will be decided afterwards is a different issue. But some stuff will not happen unless he builds that possibility in his plan to leave)

I agree, we've had a detailed report on how terrible his wife is, all detailed very well.

I suppose his thoughts about childcare should be equally enlightening.

Not one word of love.

I think leaving is the right thing to do. Deleting sex from a marriage leaves a close friendship. Deleting all hugs, praise, or kind words leaves just distant acquaintances. Deleting any time spent together (without kids) leaves strangers who happen to share a house. That's no way to live.

Deleting sex from a marriage doesn't leave a close friendship, it shows a chasm in the relationship breaking down, it usually brings great heartbreak and it's not always the one who ceases sex that is in the wrong.

I would like to hear the wife's side of this before 95% of posters encourage a man to abandon his family, sent on his way with a baying crowd.

50% of the parenting, when you work all week and your wife is the original earth mother and a SAHM, that's quite a statement and says a lot about how you view your own contributions and importance.

I've got a feeling there is another side.
Sorry to break the chain.

I honestly wish you all the best in the future. You need to get some professional advice as soon as possible. And begin the mammoth task in front of you.

Start small. Take your time to figure it out.

Try to prepare yourself for the emotional fallout that's bound to happen. Do your best to try and insulate your children and yourself as much as possible. Continue to open up to friends and family. You may not feel like it now, but support in the coming weeks and months will be worth their weight in gold.

Don't be bullied or guilted into giving up assets than you need to. I fear this will be a long and arduous journey for you.

Congratulations on taking the first steps towards a brighter and more fulfilled future.

@FiveZoo I would like to hear the wife's side of this before 95% of posters encourage a man to abandon his family, sent on his way with a baying crowd.

This being an anonymous online post, we won't hear from the wife directly. We have heard her words as presented by the OP, however. According to him, she has shown no interest in therapy, no interest in nurturing the relationship, and has given no real explanation as to why.

What do you expect him to do? Even if he has been shirking his fair share of housework etc, how can anything be fixed if his wife won't tell him what the exact problem is? His wife clearly sees no point in working on the relationship, so why should the OP keep living in a miserable marriage?

Yes, I admit the OP could be lying or misrepresenting the facts, but so can anyone on mumsnet. We're giving advice based on the stories we're reading. Sure, we could preface every piece of advice with "if your version is true, then I think..." but that would get annoying very quickly.

At the end of the day regardless of the situation, this man will be leaving his children, they are still very young.

His wife will be a single mother with all the hardships that, that entails.

I can't get worked up about who wipes the sides down well enough, my advice would be to be as good as a departed father can be.

This is a big decision.
Twenty years and two children and op really has no idea as to why his wife has disconnected.

@FiveZoo I'm unclear what you're recommending, FiveZoo. You're saying the OP is "abandoning his family" and that you've "got a feeling there is another side." So do you think the OP should stay in his marriage?

You're also talking as if the wife will be the main parent after the split, but what's that based on? The OP can go for 50/50 custody so he won't be the "departed father", he'll be the equal father sharing pickups, drop offs, night-times, meals, homework help, weekends and so on.

I question whether your opinion would be the same if the genders were flipped. Would you really recommend that a woman stay in her marriage after her husband had completely checked out, stopped all intimacy/affection, and outright said he's not in love with her anymore?

I agree that the lack of sex and affection shows that something has broke down.

I disagree that he should stay though. She said she doesn't love him. She said that that won't change.

At this point it doesn't matter if there is another side or if he might have done anything wrong, the issues started years ago, they are cemented and the wife said that there is no hope.

It doesn't even seem like the wife is trying to get him to stay at this point anyway.