Wife no longer interested since kids - advice

[Swimmingtosurvive]

Really would appreciate another perspective in this situation from somebody who may have been in a similar boat.

Me and wife have been together for 19 years, married for 12 and now have two kids (8 and 5). Since kids have been born our relationship has nose dived. We have maybe 1 date night a year but even that is stopping. We haven't been intimate since second child was born. It just feels like there's nothing left.

I feel like I've tried to make an effort. Quite a few times I've tried to arrange for us to go out or have a date night at home, but it's been refused. I try to go out of my way to be there and help her. Yet it isn't reciprocal.

I'm fully aware that the situation will be down to both of us and that I will have made mistakes that contribute to this. I have tried to speak to my wife about it. She has just said that since having the kids she has no interest in spending time with me but that I've done nothing wrong. The kids are here focus.

My worry is that if we don't look after our relationship, it is ultimately going to affect the kids and when they leave home we'll be left with nothing. That hurt really badly and I've been having some counselling since. She would not agree to couples therapy when I suggested it.

Would really appreciate some advice. Maybe there's something I've missed or someone has had similar feelings to me/wife. Any thing will help.

Further update: I'm convinced she has not read this thread.

We had another long conversation on the weekend. She has admitted that she has treated me unfairly but has said that things won't change. She is adamant that she does not want to spend time together as a couple because the expectation would be that if it went well we'd do it again. She has no time apart from family time. Her focus is on the kids and feels like being a mother defines her.

She told me again that she doesn't love me and just sees me as a friend. I said that friends still share experiences together and friends are there for each other. She said 'not this friendship'. She says she likes me being around and being there for the kids. She is happy with the status quo and doesn't seem a problem.

She has made it clear that it is my choice what I do. Ive spoken to friends yesterday and we have begun to make some plans for me to leave. It's heartbreaking and I'm worried that I'm going to miss so much of my kids growing up. But I can't go on like this for my own sanity.

Bless you, OP. That's sad to hear but you deserve more happiness than this.

I'm so sorry. That is brutal and must be heartbreaking to hear. She really isn't appearing in a good light here, she's keeping you about just to facilitate her lifestyle. I think leaving is the only thing you can do.

Bless you, you won't miss out. Split 50/50.

OP have you told her you’re considering leaving?

What a horrible woman. You could do better.

Yes. That's when she said it was my decision and ended the conversation. She hasn't really spoken to me since apart from the necessary around the kids.

After about six months of you being gone you will get her begging you to come back as she will then realise the gravy train has gone on without her.

Of course she closed the conversation, she’s pissed you are having the temerity not to be her financial whipping boy for the rest of your life

Then I think you are doing the right thing leaving, OP, devastating as it is. Your children won’t like seeing their dad unhappy and their mum treating you in a not very nice way. I’m sorry this has happened but it sounds like you have done everything you can to save your marriage and it’s now over.

I don’t wish to rub salt into your wounds, but don’t be surprised if you find your wife moving on into a new relationship in the not too distant future. I may be well off the mark but her current behaviour of emotional detachment to you only make sense if you have done something really bad to hurt her, like an affair, or her own romantic feelings now lie elsewhere.

I’m really sorry, but I’m sure you will be a lot happier than you are now further down the road. Things will get better and happier for you.🥂

OP I feel for you. Unlike her you were willing to try, there is nothing more you could have done.

Sorry to hear it but at least you can get some clarity from that conversation. Obviously she wants you to be the bad guy who calls time on the marriage so she doesn’t have to.

I would try to get her into mediation regarding the separation/divorce. She will probably count on your good nature letting her stay in the family home till kids are 18 and you moving into a small flat…I would push for selling the family home asap so you can both get your own smaller places (even with a mortgage each) so you can offer a proper home to your kids and she has to start paying her own way. They are young enough to adjust so don’t be emotionally blackmailed about how upset they will be to have to move. Otherwise you will be stuck in financial no-man’s land till they are 18 and get pushed out of the parental role.

Good luck!

I suspect she thinks she will be able to manipulate you into continuing to financially support her. Be smart and remember, the less YOU walk away with, the less of a chance you have of putting a decent home above your children's heads when they are with you. You are equal parents, I hope you push for 50/50.

I agree with this. You sound like a good dad. It used to be that it was accepted that the mum had custody of the children and dad had every other weekend. That’s no longer the case and 50/50 or close to that is now quite common if the father wants it (and the courts tend to support it).

However if you get into a position where you’re living in a bed sit, you are much less likely to get that.

Your wife might get more than 50% of the assets but probably won’t be entitled to stay in the family home until the children are 18 unless you agree that or she can buy you out. Mesher orders are now unusual.

I’d try to be fair financially but to do everything you can to ensure you’ll have somewhere that can be a proper home for the children and aren’t tied into a mortgage on a house you’re not living in.

I think you’ll find you’re much happier within a year or two after leaving. You sound really beaten down. And your wife has as good as told you your relationship is over without actually being brave enough to instigate leaving so I think you can leave with a clear conscience.

Well done op ,I'm actually glad you've decided to leave your posts have been heartbreaking to read as you've been treated so badly .Your wife is going to be in for a shock as she's probably going to have to go back to work so life as a sahm with a husband who does his share is over . Don't be talked into staying or going back to her when she realizes this , you must remember that's she's said she doesn't love you or want time with you so she'd just be using you again .

@Swimmingtosurvive
Oh, that's just nasty. I'm actually speechless at her temerity & audacity and I don't know what to say. She's really unhealthily fixated on your children and as you've realised there is absolutely no hope left - she sees you as a wallet and a sperm donor and nothing more.

Right she's laid out her stall and you know where you stand. You need to act quickly on several fronts because she will now you've mentioned the D word and she tells her friends what you've said.

You need to check how much your property is worth and how much equity there is. Look at other debt commitments both hers and yours. You may need to sell the house in order to provide two homes but that certainly doesn't mean that you're depriving your kids of a home - it's just two homes that's all.

Check your pension pot and get an up to date value. You will get hammered on this because W gave up work to bring up DC and to support your career. Doesn't matter if the last bit isn't true but the courts/mediation will probably see it that way.

Book to see a family solicitor experienced in domestic abuse. Contact the DA charities I told you about before and get a recommendation if they have any for your area.

Have a look at whether you can potentially reduce or tweak your hours/WFH so that you can start doing more for your DC. You need to start building a better/closer relationship with them now and TELL her that your are taking the kids out/school run/club drop offs etc. These kids need you to do 50/50 because she is controlling and once you've left who gets the control next? They will if they don't already suffer it. You don't need to separate your life from hers because she's done this already. Be careful of what she's saying to the DC because I'll put good money on her already trying to get them on side which is why it's so important that you start 'being there' every day.

You need to tell her that she must get a job and soon too. I suspect that she thinks that you'll take yourself off, be a weekend dad, pay the mortgage and maintenance and nothing will change for her except that she gets the bed to herself. She's going to need a job to pay rent or mortgage plus bills.

Do a CMS online calculation to see what child maintenance you may have to pay with 50/50 and less nights. She will only look at the top line of financial support so you need info to counter balance her demands.

Lastly, book a holiday/short break for just you and the DC during the summer holidays in the UK so that you can spend some quality time with them without her. Have fun - enjoy your kids without her breathing down your neck.
Have you already got a family holiday booked? What are you going to do about that?

@Swimmingtosurvive

She has made it clear that it is my choice what I do. Ive spoken to friends yesterday and we have begun to make some plans for me to leave. It's heartbreaking and I'm worried that I'm going to miss so much of my kids growing up. But I can't go on like this for my own sanity.

Sadly the indications were this is the final stance she would take. If you haven't already done so,

• make an appointment with a family law solicitor to discuss the next steps.
• gather together all financial information so you know your position when you talk to your solicitor. Eg: mortgage on the house and existing equity, current market value, your pension (I'm assuming she has none), savings, money in the bank, incl joint accounts, investments etc
• review how much you'd need to purchase a suitable home for you and your children, once the house is sold, so they have their own rooms and you have yours. She will need to do the same, as well as look for a paying job.
• I'm assuming you'll want 50/50 with your children so work out how you'll make that happen with your job, childcare costs etc.
• at some stage (not necessarily immediately) you'll need to consider changing your Will to reflect your new situation, perhaps leaving money in trust for your children.

It's good you have friends in real life to talk to support you.

I'm sure there are more, but this gives you something to consider. 🌹

I wonder if there's a man in the wings?

It does happen, more often with the man though.

I'm sorry @Swimmingtosurvive but you need to go for 50/50. Sell the house and find somewhere for you and the children to share.

Christ almighty, she's being incredibly cruel. As I said earlier in the thread, leaving her is the only option here. She's also in for a massive shock if she thinks that her "lifestyle" will continue. I also wonder if there is somebody in the background.

Please make sure you take good legal advice. That's so important. Don't let the feelings of guilt or obligation cloud your judgement. She will have to get a job and start supporting herself. I hope she realises that.

My husband left me 10 years ago having treated me cruelly and repeatedly cheating. It's hard starting over but I did. I have chosen not to have another relationship and am very happy on my own with my young son. The peace I feel is lovely. I hope this happens for you too. One foot in front of the other.

I cannot believe how cold,cruel and deluded this lady is. Everything on her terms, her household as she wants, her gym, art classes etc, her cleaning standards.

Living her life the way she wants and expecting you to fully fun it and continue while she treats you like something she stepped in.

I thinks she's banking on the fact you are a decent father and human that you won't leave because of the children. However, you should leave and because of the children as well as yourself.

You cannot trust a word she says. You can't trust her to play fair either. She won't want yo get a job and be self sufficient. Not a chance. She'll probably go down the route of parental alienation, lots of sob stories, all sorts. She is highly manipulative so she will continue to try to manipulative you during the separation.

Get a good solicitor who specialises in family law and abuse cases.

I think it will only be when this is all over that you will fully realise what you have been putting up with and how much you have been suffering and how manipulative she has been. I think you will find a freedom that you didn't even realise you needed do badly. You are a good dad, she can never take that way from you.

She is absolutely awful OP honestly I'm embarrassed for her.
Get your ducks in a row regarding finances and the kids and leave

Don't be a mug in the separation. It sounds like she's the sort to steamroll over you any chance she gets

Sorry, OP.

You can get an even split if you want it custody wise if you can make it work. Time to start thinking about what you can make work - eg can you compress hours on days you don't have the kids and then finish early to do pick up on your days in the week etc?. You will lose some quantity time wise with your kids as you sound very involved, BUT you may find that you enjoy your children more on your own terms - she sounds VERY over invested and quite smothering so you might find in the long term that it allows you and your children to breathe and grow a different relationship.

Posters on this thread are being ridiculous. His wife isn’t evil because she doesn’t love him anymore. We have no idea what the backstory is or what led to this. She is being honest about her feelings and the ball is in his court if he wants to leave or not. It doesn’t sound like she has deceived him at any point but has been honest about her feelings. She is happy to stay married within this context and he isn’t. Therefore it’s his decision whether to end it or not. Posters seem to be really fired up because she is a SAHM. That was a decision they made within their marriage, for the benefit of their children. It doesn’t mean she is therefore obligated to stay (or pretend to be) in love with him and if not she is a bad, evil woman. SAHM are allowed to stop loving people too.

So sorry, OP. She can't even take responsibility for the split and says it's your decision. She sounds a piece of work. Please ensure you look after yourself, don't let her guilt you into giving her everything, you need to build the most loving home possible for your DC. I suspect she has someone else......