Wife no longer interested since kids - advice

[Swimmingtosurvive]

Really would appreciate another perspective in this situation from somebody who may have been in a similar boat.

Me and wife have been together for 19 years, married for 12 and now have two kids (8 and 5). Since kids have been born our relationship has nose dived. We have maybe 1 date night a year but even that is stopping. We haven't been intimate since second child was born. It just feels like there's nothing left.

I feel like I've tried to make an effort. Quite a few times I've tried to arrange for us to go out or have a date night at home, but it's been refused. I try to go out of my way to be there and help her. Yet it isn't reciprocal.

I'm fully aware that the situation will be down to both of us and that I will have made mistakes that contribute to this. I have tried to speak to my wife about it. She has just said that since having the kids she has no interest in spending time with me but that I've done nothing wrong. The kids are here focus.

My worry is that if we don't look after our relationship, it is ultimately going to affect the kids and when they leave home we'll be left with nothing. That hurt really badly and I've been having some counselling since. She would not agree to couples therapy when I suggested it.

Would really appreciate some advice. Maybe there's something I've missed or someone has had similar feelings to me/wife. Any thing will help.

OP, no real advice other than value yourself more. What your other half has said to you is gut-wrenching. You sound so unhappy and I think you need to put yourself first here.

I didn't know whether I should post this or not given people are suspicious wife is reading. These are issues that I have brought up and is a list that I wrote after my last therapy session.

Being told that she doesn't know if she's in love with me.
Being told that she doesn't want to spend time with me.
Being told that my way is almost always wrong and being criticized on a regular basis - cars parked too far away from the kerb and hadn't served dinner quick enough so it was going cold was the other night
Being made to feel like my opinions don't matter - my suggestion about where to go for a family holiday instantly dismissed "I don't want to go there so we're not going", but when I raise similar concerns "why don't you listen to my opinions?"
Never apologizing or trying to understand my feelings/thoughts
Making me feel that I have lost the plot - I was looking for something the other day "remember I told you I leant it to x" I have no recollection of this conversation and it's not the first time. But it drags on and turns into an argument that won't end unless it's me having to apologise because I have upset her by not listening
Limited conversations during the time we have together.
Not having someone support me during hard times
Never checking in on me when I've had a rough time
Never holding me or giving me compliments
Coming home from work shattered to find chores to do around the house e.g. dishes before I can start cooking
Not showing an interest in the things that matters to me but suddenly changing as soon as the kids are interested e.g. football, hiking

She has lost respect for you and is therefore hyper critical of what you do and say. Your opinions and wishes do not matter to her eg the holiday and activity talk and not talking much to you or apologizing for things that a loving partner would say sorry for.

A strong relationship should be a sanctuary from the outside world and a place you can rebuild your strength after a tough day of work etc. Your relationship has become something to endure alone because your wife bluntly tells you she doesn't want to spend time with you, do kind things for you, be affectionate with you.

You absolutely deserve a partner who is and wants to be your partner. I don't think she can be that partner for you unless she gets some kind of relationship counselling and, even then, that's a long list of issues to work through

Just get rid of her

A mother shouldn't be 'laser focused' on her children to the detriment of her relationship. I would say the same vice versa. Its unhealthy.
Me and my OH try our hardest to put time aside for us. It's important for us and it's important for our children to witness.
If a mother goes past the point of caring for the father of her children (and vice versa) then they need to seperate. A loveless relationship is not something kids should be around. The cycle will continue with them.

She doesn't care about your marriage anymore. She just wants to focus upon the kids. She's refused couples counselling, so pretty much told you she doesn't want to try to improve your marriage. You'd be best to divorce and move on with your own lives sharing parenting. You might meet someone else who will want to be with you. You will be miserable if you carry on in this house share marriage.

I hope she is reading this, you don't need to be with someone who doesn't love you, she is stringing you along for her lifestyle and money.
Maybe this will all be a shock to her. Maybe she'll look to change but if not you deserve better and to be happy

Oh dear the latest update. I suspect she's holding the marriage together because of the children. Plans to divorce you when they're fledged . She's gritting her teeth because she doesn't love you and possibly hates you.

Some marriages work this way. A friends does. She's awful to her husband. His solution to have a mistress elsewhere.

Sometimes these marriages end because one of the couple fall in love elsewhere. I've seen that.

Make plans to end this circle of hell you're in. My friend is a divorce mediator and says she'd like to bang parents heads together because of the damage they're doing to the children.

Your thread is so sad. You are basically trying everything to save your marraige witha woman who completely checked out a long time ago and seems to think her way is always right. You didn't destroy this marraige, she did. She picked a decent an, she knew would always prioritise his children and never leave her.

You say you still love her? How? Why? She hasn't given you much to love?

It's extremely rare for any male poster to get near 100% agreement on mumsnet. Extremely.

Please start prioritising yourself and your children. Life doesn't have to be like this and you deserve someone who wants you as much as you want them.

@Swimmingtosurvive
That's fairly comprehensive list of abusers bingo you got there. So you can add the best tried & tested method of emotional/mental abuse used by an abuser - our old friend 'Gaslighting!'. Gaslighting is the worst type of mental abuse as it leaves the victim (yes, you are a victim) doubting their own sanity and second guessing everything. In the end you start to think that there is something wrong with you - how can have forgotten these things that I've been told. Interestingly for a woman who hardly speaks to you she has told you an awful lot of stuff that you appear to have 'forgotten'. Not to mention the nit picking - really... you didn't park the car correctly at the kerb? WTAF OP - I presume that in the world according to Mrs Swimming, you can't actually do anything right?
With regards to your DC, you need to put your foot down about spending time alone doing stuff with them. I bet that she does. I would also bet good money on her complaining about you to the children - things like Daddy forgot/ didn't do that/ that's not the way we do things is it/ silly Daddy/ useless Daddy etc. This is designed to affect your DC's trust in you. It's shoved into their heads so that they can't completely trust you to look after them and makes her their go to for trust/reliance/love and so on. I do wonder how they're going to manage healthy relationships in adulthood with this woman because she probably is controlling them too.

Has your therapist not pointed this out OP? If they haven't then you may want to think about changing to a DA trained one.

As for you @Lovepeaceunderstanding did you not read the whole thread? Do you not think that if a thread is at 16 pages then we've moved on from the original post and have more information and understanding? Unless of course you are Mrs Swimming....?

100% agree

suspect she's holding the marriage together because of the children.
wrong, she's hanging on for dear
life because OP does the lions share, she's fannying about all day and still he has to clean up before HE makes dinner.
Doesn't work, does little in the home and is financed by OP, I can see her reasons to hold on.

I was trying to be charitable. But you're right.

I know someone who got pregnant at 17 by a boyfriend but married her boss. Had another baby, got She never worked again. When he finally woke up to this childlike middle aged woman who's only stress was which designer item to buy next, she was untrained and incapable.

He fell in love with another woman. His first wife got the house, the car, 3k a month and half of two very big pensions in lieu of the business.

She's never worked since either. A nice enough woman but god shallow and dim 🙈

When you leave, will you have your kids 50/50?

Seriously dude. It's time to get rid man.

He mustn't answer questions like that on this site. If you read back you'll understand why

This is a good point. Walls have ears and all.

I don't think anyone would blame you if your updates became more vague and sparse. You need to keep your powder dry now.

Good luck dude ...

Yes good luck @Swimmingtosurvive - stop giving so much information on here now though. You don’t need to answer every question especially when people obviously haven’t read the full thread.

Just be very careful of any seduction in the near future…a surprise pregnancy wouldn’t really help you at this point, would it? Actually that’s also good advice if you ever end up on the dating scene again too - make sure your own contraception is bulletproof.

OP
from your latest post I am not sure there is much to love about your wife.
look yourself in the mirror and ask yourself, is really the life I want or deserve?

So sorry OP, your latest post shows there really is nothing left to salvage. I hope you have shared all this with your therapist, if not you should do so. And maybe as a pp said consider changing to a new therapist who is trained in DA. Seriously, time to separate, your self esteem must be at rock bottom and you deserve much more than this.

Yeah, beware of the oops baby. I'm pretty sure my mother did that with her youngest to get out of job hunting.

You have to end this. For you and your children. Your wife's behaviours read like a ghastly hybrid of ones my wife and I have exhibited to each-other across our toxic marriage and neither of us are people who should be allowed to have another relationship without fundamental change.

Just because she doesn't hit you doesn't mean it isn't abuse. It is. This seems all about selfish entitlement and there's no fuck all evidence she is going to change or thinks she needs to do so so please don't wait around for that. If you do my guess is once the children are older you'll be told to sling your hook and you'll be replaced.

Don't bother trying to work out why it has got to where it is or why she might behave as she does because it won't change anything. Please don't waste any time on trying to do things differently to please her. It won't work for more than a short period at best.

Focus on a safe separation and your children and your own wellbeing.

Good luck OP

Being told that she doesn't know if she's in love with me.
Being told that she doesn't want to spend time with me.

forget about all the other things and think about the above 👆

go and see a solicitor and get your divorce going

I read your last post, it’s horrible and no one should live like that. In away it’s abuse … might be subtle but this is part of the reason why you need the therapy, she’s slowly ground you down. You deserve better and o hope you find love and happiness ❤️

@Swimmingtosurvive

Your long, and sad, list yesterday at 07.04 are all reasons you should extricate yourself from this marriage. Not only is your wife cold and criticising you but she's taking you for granted and is gaslighting you. These are all red flags and which posters often highlight as reasons to leave. And these issues are not new - they're at least five years in the making and your wife has indicated she'd like you to stay in this flytrap for the next 15 years or so, when you're possibly looking to retire and still supporting a spouse who refuses to go out and get a job.

Before you know it another few years will have flown by and you're still in the same situation, except now you need to fund your children through university and young adulthood on your own whilst still supporting someone who refuses to work 🌹