Wife no longer interested since kids - advice

[Swimmingtosurvive]

Really would appreciate another perspective in this situation from somebody who may have been in a similar boat.

Me and wife have been together for 19 years, married for 12 and now have two kids (8 and 5). Since kids have been born our relationship has nose dived. We have maybe 1 date night a year but even that is stopping. We haven't been intimate since second child was born. It just feels like there's nothing left.

I feel like I've tried to make an effort. Quite a few times I've tried to arrange for us to go out or have a date night at home, but it's been refused. I try to go out of my way to be there and help her. Yet it isn't reciprocal.

I'm fully aware that the situation will be down to both of us and that I will have made mistakes that contribute to this. I have tried to speak to my wife about it. She has just said that since having the kids she has no interest in spending time with me but that I've done nothing wrong. The kids are here focus.

My worry is that if we don't look after our relationship, it is ultimately going to affect the kids and when they leave home we'll be left with nothing. That hurt really badly and I've been having some counselling since. She would not agree to couples therapy when I suggested it.

Would really appreciate some advice. Maybe there's something I've missed or someone has had similar feelings to me/wife. Any thing will help.

Be careful, if she’s saying she felt like this before kids, this isn’t going to get any better no matter what you do

Sadly this is very likely true. She has been feeling this way for a decade already.

Mmmn another one here that is very cynical of your DW actions, now she realises she's pushed you too far and is in danger of losing her comfy lifestyle.

Tread carefully OP. She's been pretty callous towards you, that's not going to change her feelings deep down. She will mask for a time, but they will resurface. RESPECT is the most inportant thing in a relationship IMO and she has none for you, which is why, despite you bending over backwards to do your fair share (on top of working full time), she's treated you so poorly. If you read a lot of the threads on here from women married to REAL assholes, most would give their eye teeth for a partner like you.

i would say the relationship is over and I’d tell her I am not prepared to wait years for the hope of having a wife again, nor am I prepared to stay because it’s very convenient for you. Ive tried for years and years and years , I’m not sure you have. We can split up, you can get a job and we can share care of our beautiful children. You don’t want to be in a relationship with me so that’s the best I can offer. I’ll make an appointment with a lawyer and let you know when it is.

Wow

So she withholds affection and companionship to punish you? And doesn't even indicate that she knows this is cruel and unreasonable?

What a horrible horrible person. It would break my heart to know that my mum or dad had endured this treatment just to keep our facade of a family togethers

Please start making plans to leave this marriage OP. You deserve so much better.

She's realised her lifestyle might be coming to an end, kids in school SAHM refuses to have a relationship with her DH, if this was man she'd be called a cocklodger.
Apologises to keep OP dangling in case he leaves.

Firstly, she loves the lifestyle.

Secondly, you do seriously need to entertain at least the possibility that she has someone else, especially given the half-hearted (guilty?) hug after your heart-to-heart.

Thirdly, I suspect she may be reading this thread. Not necessarily a bad thing, as posters are far blunter than you will ever be, but you do need to be aware of it.

Your wife sounds like she is truly unwell. She needs to work with a therapist to unpick these unhealthy beliefs of hers that are holding her back from having a healthy relationship with you and the children.
In your place I would probably give her a timeline, not an ultimatum, but that progress needs to be set in place and accounted for, no vague promises, for the status quo to continue.
Otherwise if stonewalling continued, I would start making plans to call it a day.

Another thing I'd like to add; if your DW has lost attraction to you, nothing and I repeat nothing will bring that back, despite you doing everything under the sun to conform to what she perceives she needs you to do. If it's gone, it's gone.

Sorry to be so blunt, but you'd be better off realising that, harden your heart and make plans to separate.

Well that's nonsense I worked 9-3 and still managed the after school clubs.

I'd consult with a solicitor about divorce, and advise her that she needs to get a job with some urgency, as she'll shortly need to support herself and provide half the support of the children.

Enough is enough.

So it's all your fault?

@Swimmingtosurvive we had a dry spell with two young children close together. I got depressed so went to college on a refresher course found a job that suited all of us. My confidence came back as did our sex life.

BUT I think your wife has fallen out of love with you. I would separate, I really couldn't live like this.

100% she's seen this thread. It sounds like she's breadcrumbing you. She's given a little bit of new info (which sounds like it's impossible for you to act on) to placate you for a while. Actions are what matter here so has she changed her mind about couples therapy as a result of this insight?

I totally get you want to understand the reason behind her behaviour but even she's saying it's unreasonable and no matter what you do it's going to be wrong. She's fallen out of love with you and sounds like she's got the ick, with no desire to come back from it. Please OP, focus on yourself and ask yourself does the prospect of another 10 years of this make you happy?

The imbalance here is insane. You gave her space and didn’t try to defend yourself or interject over her example of cleaning worktops but she’s said she doesn’t want to spend time with you!
If she’s not prepared to go to couples counselling,then she’s already checked out of this marriage OP and now everything you do irritates her.
Don’t let her drag you down any further.
She’s being beyond cruel and you deserve better.

This is bullshit OP. Me and DH have different ways of doing things and would not withhold love, affection or sex because we dislike the others dishwasher stacking technique.

Please do not take her ‘opening up’ to you as a positive step. It isn’t.

She has sensed you might actually do something to disrupt her cosy lazy gym life and is trying to protect herself by giving you hope this can be rescued. Even then she couldn’t bring herself to be nice to you.

I couldn’t live like this.

@Swimmingtosurvive there's a lot to take in here. You seem to be the more relaxed partner while your wife is more regimented. I'm a bit like your wife but I can tell you if I received the support you give, from what you tell us here, I'd be delighted. You are listening, trying, adapting...she owes you that too.
You described yourself before you had kids...the man she fell in love with.....invest in him again.
Time to grow a set, by all means listen but confidently out your boundaries and needs too, you owe it to yourself.

@Swimmingtosurvive
I said it previously but you are in an abusive, controlling relationship and yes, if you were a woman then we would be telling you to duck up and prepare to divorce.
It is absolutely possible that she's seen this thread (hi Mrs Swimming - you should be ashamed) or the other possibility is that she has an abuser's innate ability to detect small shifts in attitude/belief in their victim. In order to reinforce their control they do something called 'bread crumbing'. This is where they suddenly need to discuss things, make things better, appear to take some fault but then it's 'if you did this/didn't do that then I wouldn't feel angry/resentful towards you'. So actually you've found out nothing new and she has put the blame firmly back at your feet because it is all your fault that she abuses you. She may well continue doing 'nice' things like making you coffee, having a meal/date night or even forcing herself to have sex with you. It has one purpose - to keep the status quo unequal and in her favour but also to pop you back in your box nice & quiet like.
When I became ill two years ago with cancer my DP had no idea how to run the household so had to learn. He still does a fair share and doesn't do it how 'I like it' but it doesn't matter. If what he does could cause a hygiene issue then I'll say something but otherwise I leave him to it. I don't like the way he irons, washes up, doesn't always wipe the sides, thinks that vacuuming every 2 weeks is sufficient, forgets to turn clothes inside out for washing etc etc but do I get resentful or cross? Nope, I leave him to it because at the end of the day it doesn't matter how it's done but that it is done. And the best bit... I love him for it and that he tries. Do I moan about it? Yes, sometimes I do but generally with a good natured laugh with a friend or family member.

Of course she has to think about how to move forward - maintaining an unreasonable grip is hard work and tricky so she's probably thinking about how far she has to go in order to reel you back in. She couldn't even give you a heart felt hug mate - that's how sorry she isn't. She's fed you some 'hope' and now you're overjoyed and hopeful that you can have a better relationship and it's an empty promise and you're just sucking up crumbs.

If you were a woman we'd be recommending that you contact your local Women's Aid group for support and advice but I would suggest that you have a look at The ManKind Initiative and The Men's Advice Line UK/Respect. There's lots of advice and you can find someone to speak to - you are not at the worst end of the abuse spectrum but you are on it so don't feel that your circumstances don't fit the descriptions on the sites. Just give them a call and see what they say.

Beautiful explained.

Exactly this, she's just playing you to keep you providing her cushy lifestyle

So she told you that you don't wipe the surfaces properly and then responded to your hug with a 'half hug'.

Is this what you want the next 15 years to be like? She's exploiting you.

This Is exactly what I thought reading that post about not being able to give…

OP’s wife is a classic cake eater.

People are focusing on the word ‘help’, and completely ignoring or justifying the pisstaking.

If she was my partner I’d have left her some time ago. What a waste ☹️.

🙌🏾

Everything @MothralovesGojira said. She has realised her meal ticket may have seen the light and it could result in her having to find a job and give up this very, very cushy life she has.

As a long term sahm from my view she is absolutely taking the piss over things like housework, cooking etc considering how much downtime she gets compared to working parents.

Why is everything still your fault? She can wipe the worktops down herself if she is so particular about it. FFS this is the most ridiculous thing, are her diamond shoes too tight as well?

She has either seen this thread or one of her friends has and given her the heads up. She just wants you there to earn the money, look after the children and provide this life for her whilst she has a go at you for wiping worktops. You deserve so much better than this life she is sharing with you. Your children are witnessing this "marriage" and you are modelling a shit one with no love and intimacy or spending time as a couple. It is incredibly sad.

Its hard not to agree with the most recent posts.
I cant see you leaving anytime soon but at the very least, you can tell her on the basis of what she has told you she has to have counselling -
by herself otherwise she’ll just go to the sessions and blame you.

i also think calling mankind would help. And maybe get a better therapist yourself!!