Wife no longer interested since kids - advice

[Swimmingtosurvive]

Really would appreciate another perspective in this situation from somebody who may have been in a similar boat.

Me and wife have been together for 19 years, married for 12 and now have two kids (8 and 5). Since kids have been born our relationship has nose dived. We have maybe 1 date night a year but even that is stopping. We haven't been intimate since second child was born. It just feels like there's nothing left.

I feel like I've tried to make an effort. Quite a few times I've tried to arrange for us to go out or have a date night at home, but it's been refused. I try to go out of my way to be there and help her. Yet it isn't reciprocal.

I'm fully aware that the situation will be down to both of us and that I will have made mistakes that contribute to this. I have tried to speak to my wife about it. She has just said that since having the kids she has no interest in spending time with me but that I've done nothing wrong. The kids are here focus.

My worry is that if we don't look after our relationship, it is ultimately going to affect the kids and when they leave home we'll be left with nothing. That hurt really badly and I've been having some counselling since. She would not agree to couples therapy when I suggested it.

Would really appreciate some advice. Maybe there's something I've missed or someone has had similar feelings to me/wife. Any thing will help.

Sorry, but I still think you should end it. She will promise you anything now but it won't last. I would suggest a trial separation to her, and do it. Then see how it goes. I really don't think she will try to get back with you or change. Or undergo therapy.

Does she realise how unreasonable she is being in insisting that her way of doing things is the only right way?

What else would she like you to do though? You get up first every morning, do the packed lunches, cook the meals. You take over at weekends after working all week. While she has five days a week persuing her hobbies while the kids are in school.

You're already doing more than you should. Does she not appreciate how lucky she is to not have to go out to work? She 'thinks' she still loves you???? What the actual fuck?

You deserve better than this op. You need to stop pandering to her. She's treating you horribly.

Shes shown me how she likes the surfaces cleaned. My way creates more crumbs on the floor. She said it's not how I clean necessarily but the fact shes shown me and I haven't changed.

Lack of affection is because of her conflicting feelings. Have just responded to another rooster whine you were posting.

@Swimmingtosurvive Her attitude to the kitchen surfaces is controlling and (imo) abusive. She's basically telling you it's her way or no way. Those surfaces are a metaphor for your marriage.

Look at your complaints versus hers. Yours are she's unaffectionate, won't have sex and has told you she doesn"t want to spend time with you. Hers is that you don't clean the kitchen 'properly'

You must see how insane that is?

Did she meet up with her friends yesterday? The sudden apology for what she said and opening up a bit makes me think she told someone about your previous chat and they opened her eyes a bit to how cruel and shutdown she had been during that.

And it's good she is talking to someone and good that she is doing some thinking but what you got was a lot of word salad while still being critical of you and she dangled a bit of hope as she 'thinks' she still loves you.

Did you get any agreed action from her, any agreement on when you would talk some more, what you would work on together or anything else. Or was it a standalone discussion? It reads like she just threw you a few crumbs to try and placate you again so you get back to the previous status quo.

Hm. I'm not sure if she's being controlling or if you're just lazy at cleaning with this. Crumbs on the floor would be fine if part of your cleaning up involved sweeping/hoovering the floor afterwards, and arguably that is 'better' and more thorough than 'her way'. But if you're just moving crumbs from the surface to the floor I can see why it would slowly drive her mad.

Sorry. I think how she's treating you based on your other posts isn't right but I can't work out if you're just 'cursory cleaning' and making more mess or if she's just insistent her way is the only way. Or both.

I was just about to write this - she has read your thread

Hi @Swimmingtosurvive ,

It is amazing how the idea of losing your walking wallet focuses the mind! But it is at least a start.

I still think that this is just drawing out the pain for you but, now she is at least in talking mode, I would insist that you go to counselling together if she wants you not to initiate divorce proceedings. Simultaneously, you should be discussing what your lives would look like were you to split up in terms of work and childcare. She should be planning on getting back to work and you should start looking to do more childcare. That way, should it go tits up, which is the likely outcome, you could move to 50/50 custody without too much upheaval for your children.

@Sparklfairy I could deal with a few crumbs if my husband was facilitating me being a stay home mum with a very cushy lifestyle.

she sounds a problem… if she’s not worked since having kids, and they are both school age, why on earth are you splitting household tasks 50:50.
Id not agree to that. I’d say go back to work if you’re splitting household tasks 50:50.

@Searchingforthelight 50/50 under these circumstances is an absolute pisstake!

Unless she’s on the phone this morning to book individual therapy for her perfectionism and couples counselling for the relationship, I’m not sure anything has really changed about the situation.

She has basically said if you can be more perfect and do everything my way, I will love you. That’s just not realistic. My DH does everything his way, which I feel is the wrong way but I pick my battles and try not to be in the kitchen watching him do things his way and in the end, it works out. I just run the hoover an extra time or two and sometimes the crumbs drive me a bit mad but overall I can keep it in perspective. That’s just normal married/family life, compromise and give & take, and pick your battles. If my DH’s imperfections were as intolerable to me as your wife describes, it would be counselling or marriage-ending.

At least she’s been able to admit she’s put you in a lose-lose situation where if you don’t do something she’s really annoyed, sorry ‘frustrated’, and if you do do it, then it will be wrong bc it’s not the way she wants it done. The only thing is, why does it have to be done her way? Why is that the right way but yours isn’t? There are 2 ppl in your relationship, 2 adults, 2 parents. One should never have dictatorial rights over the way everything is done in a shared house with shared children - that’s more of a control issue - OCD? But to get angry if you don’t do it her way or at all, as I say at least she’s admitting this no-win situation, but does she acknowledge it is totally unreasonable of her and unfair?

She's being ridiculously controlling.

Given that she is a SAHP to school aged kids, you already do a lot of housework. It's a bit rich for her to start moaning about how you do it. If she wants the kitchen counters cleaned in a certain way, I'd be telling her to clean the fucking counters herself. In her situation, she should be doing the bulk of the housework anyway.

I don't get a sense from your updates that she really recognises that this is her problem and that she needs to change. It's all about what you're doing "wrong" and why she feels frustrated with this. I would be inclined to start the process of separation anyway.

She's at least talked to you but made it your fault! You don't do things her way. I mean if I shut down every time my husband didn't do something my way we'd have never got married.
I think she read this thread and is back peddling to keep her free life and you funding it.
Maybe she will agree to marriage counselling to try and move forward

Wow imagine the response of genders were reversed on this post. MN is so biased!

If the genders were reversed, the SAHP wanting 50% household tasks done by the working parent would have their arse handed to them… and rightly so!

It's striking how minor her frustrations are. The reasons she gives for her lack of affection boil down to wiping the kitchen surfaces "wrongly" and you doing too much around the house, which makes her feel guilty. That's... nothing at all. Feels like she's aware that complaining about her husband's housework will get her the most traction, so she's scraping that barrel to make it your fault. All the while making no promises to address anything herself. She gave you a big nothingburger; I don't see that as a start to repairing your marriage at all.

She is so full of crap and she's reading the thread.

Why are you do eager to stay with someone who treats you like crap? You don't need to be there. Financially you will be find snd she'll need to get a job.

You deserve so much better than this. You are a prop in her life - just their for display purposes and money. She's using you.

I normally hate this response but for this thread I agree. She is a female cocklodger (not golddigger, because there's no gold to dig), just manipulating a relationship to ensure it totally benefits her and she has to give NOTHING back. Not even kindness.
OP isn't listening. This will continue, he will tie himself in knots and just take more on. Fair play to her I suppose.
It's the children I feel sorry for. A lifetime of dysfunctional relationships await them due to two adults who don't seem capable of thinking about the effects this WILL have on them.
Sorry OP but it's true. You are so unable/unwilling to see the reality in front of you it's tragic.

She has all fucking day to clean the worktops exactly how she likes them!

I think she can see she’s pushed you too far and might be at risk of losing her comfy little lifestyle here!! She’s reeling you in, giving you a tiny bit of hope that things might change if you do A B C …… while she decides if that’s enough for her…..
Be careful, if she’s saying she felt like this before kids, this isn’t going to get any better no matter what you do

What, if the genders were reversed and I said it's ultimatum time, the partner is being unreasonable?

This 'if the genders are reversed' nya nya is such lazy bollocks. Women as a class are conditioned to make themselves amenable to men and to put up with all sorts of shit in the name of romance and love. Women on Mumsnet point this out because they have experience of not acting in their own interests on an individual level because of this class imbalance. The genders never reverse properly in any scenario because - newsflash - gender is completely made up! And part of that is society imposing different behaviours on each gender. It is not 100% failsafe to assume that women are bending over backwards to accommodate a man's needs but it is more often than not the case.

In this case I actually don't believe the OP. The story is so clear cut and one sided. Lazy woman (never met a lazy mother looking after 2 small children), doesn't want to spend time with him and says so and yet expects things to carry on with no financial contribution (as if), he does half the work (mm-hmm). If all this is true yes she is indeed queen selfish bitch but I doubt it is. More likely he is communicating badly (as men are conditioned to do) or justifying starting an affair (which you see men doing time and time again on here). If that makes me sexist, fine, but actually it's the world that's sexist not me.

Well done OP. Keep the conversation going.