Wife no longer interested since kids - advice

[Swimmingtosurvive]

Really would appreciate another perspective in this situation from somebody who may have been in a similar boat.

Me and wife have been together for 19 years, married for 12 and now have two kids (8 and 5). Since kids have been born our relationship has nose dived. We have maybe 1 date night a year but even that is stopping. We haven't been intimate since second child was born. It just feels like there's nothing left.

I feel like I've tried to make an effort. Quite a few times I've tried to arrange for us to go out or have a date night at home, but it's been refused. I try to go out of my way to be there and help her. Yet it isn't reciprocal.

I'm fully aware that the situation will be down to both of us and that I will have made mistakes that contribute to this. I have tried to speak to my wife about it. She has just said that since having the kids she has no interest in spending time with me but that I've done nothing wrong. The kids are here focus.

My worry is that if we don't look after our relationship, it is ultimately going to affect the kids and when they leave home we'll be left with nothing. That hurt really badly and I've been having some counselling since. She would not agree to couples therapy when I suggested it.

Would really appreciate some advice. Maybe there's something I've missed or someone has had similar feelings to me/wife. Any thing will help.

So she doesn't want to do anything with you but gets the arse when you make plans without her?

@Swimmingtosurvive @FrenchandSaunders that's what I just spotted as well.

She just wants you at home to be her little lap dog that pays for her to live a comfortable life on your watch.

Considering her attitude, and threads about men using this kind of language I would almost ask the question as to whether or not she's giving you the "script" and she doesn't want intimacy cos she's getting it from Joe down the road.

Leave. I know someone who had a dead relationship but didn't divorce for ages because "she didn't want to formalise it". Of course, they did divorce eventually and she just got a whole load more of his pension.

@Swimmingtosurvive
Oh that's interesting OP
"Like when I asked if wife wanted to go to a gig of a band we both like and she said no. Normally I would have just not gone but I found a friend to go instead. Doing more of this is helpful, even if it does cause a bit of tension at home"
So, DW doesn't like you going out on your own during what she deems is 'family time' but she's ok to swan off during the week to the gym, hobbies and friends when you're at work earning the money to maintain her life style choices? That's a bit rich isn't it?
I started off yesterday with an open opinion on your posts but now I can see that this is actually a controlling relationship. She is controlling you and she is the one tightly controlling everything according to her own agenda that she openly admits is for her benefit and for that of the 'family unit'.
In the kindest way possible, you really need to do something because your kids are being brought up in this and that is damaging for them and it's damaging YOU and your self esteem. She is emasculating you slowly like a boiled frog.

In your shoes I would be arranging some therapy for yourself to work this through and gain back your self respect.
I would also be telling her that she must start to look for some paid work that fits around school hours/evenings because she is not needed at home 24/7 - I have no doubt that she will be furious at this suggestion. You can also look to see if your working times can be adjusted so that you can do some drop off/pick ups and clubs etc as DW seems to keep quite the choke hold on these things.
You need to put your foot down a bit and stand up to her and make it plain that this situation/relationship that she dictates is not sustainable or fair.

Spider senses absolutely tingling for an affair on her part. Lots of time with hobbies and socialising out of he house, on her phone all constantly, avoiding communication and affection (not just sex)

Start planning for a life without her. Whether that's separating finances or securing jointly accessible accounts so she can't drain them, if possible or desired reduce your hours at work and take on more child care to establish a more shared pattern of a division of the primary caring responsibilities to bolsters your claims for as close to 50/50 as possible

I've read all your updates and much of the thread. There are some good suggestions for what the issue might be but every time OP updates or clarifies, it becomes more and more clear that his wife is just not interested anymore.

This:
Evenings are spent in front of the TV pretty much with her also on phone either scrolling or phoning friends. When I try to suggest something different it's always a no.

Was behaviour I partook in when I was unhappy. After my DH told me it was driving a wedge between us etc I took my head out of my arse and put the phone away. Marriage is hard work but it will only work if two people work at it.

OP you can't hold this all together. You will eventually become too hurt and resentful. You are better off ending this now, you have more of a chance of keeping it amicable. I really think a proper conversation around separating needs to happen. Don't let her just decide you will be a family unit. You have a say too!

Even thought you have been very respectful towards you wife on how you've posted and have been matter of fact, she sounds like a completely selfish, all her own way pain in the ass!

She won't do anything with you but gets shitty if you do things with other people. She won't have conversations or counselling. Everything is how she wants it!

This is life according to her view and you have to just accept it according to her. It's a form of abuse and she's completely self indulgent. Everything is her way.

I don't know how you are sticking with it and your self esteem hasn't been eroded from her constant shut down. She appears to have treated you as a sperm donor & nothing more.

Would you consider having counselling yourself to get your head straight? Do your own thing and build up to a separation.

I have read all your posts OP and most of the others. From what you have said, I think this is over as a marriage and I suggest you begin the separation process. That doesn't make you a failure or a bad dad, nor does it make your W a bad mum.

Trying to hang on for years as co-parents in the same house, because your W had made it clear she doesn't want you as a friend, will only make you and her miserable and stressed. In turn that makes it harder to be the parents you want to be, the colleague you want to be.

I recommend you treat her kindly but be firm in your resolve. Get good advice (the divorce forum has links to some excellent resources) and real life support from friends. I get what you mean about male friends, some just can't or won't talk through the emotional stuff. But sometimes not talking but playing sport or going to a gig or a daft movie is what is needed. Find a therapist if you need one, use that space to process. I suggest you move out sooner rather than later but of course do your research on your rights first. If you have to fight for them then find a good solicitor but if you can avoid fighting over everything it can help. After all you will both be at school plays, sports days and so on until the day you die.

Pay your fair share and if you wish pay more. Be age appropriately honest with the kids and whatever W does don't bad mouth her to them. She may be angry with you and say mean things. If so don't react, this will be a big shock for her. Her anger will pass.

Reassure the kids that you both love them. Avoid any other relationship for now, find out how to be comfortable with friends and on your own. Expect to be sad and grieve for the lost future. It will pass.

Best of luck OP

Having read on @Swimmingtosurvive I have to agree. I suffered from post birth intimacy issues, but I loved and valued my husband. I sought help, it took a while but together we made it through. Unfortunately it doesn’t seem that your wife is willing to take any steps to make the relationship between you right, showing she simply no longer cares or loves you. You haven’t done anything wrong, you’ve tried, you’re best off out.
For the sake of your children, who will quickly sense tensions and falsehoods, this is no way to live.
It is no model of a healthy marriage.

It's not 'withholding' if she doesn't want to have it.
And it's not abuse to not have sex when you don't want it.

Well she has been honest I suppose.

So time for you to return the favour and say that the life she has sketched out for you being the celibate live-in coparent and breadwinner doesn't work for you and you want a divorce so you can have a fulfilling romantic relationship.

That will either wake her up and get her to the table or it will be the first steps you take to moving on with your life.

Completely agree with this. It's no way to live.

That she suggested you wait 10-15 years to see if she can be arsed with her marriage then is bordering on unhinged.

Ignore the man haters.
It’s sad to read your posts. You have tried to communicate and are getting nowhere. Your wife doesn’t seem willing to compromise in any way. She seems to have time for everybody but you. Why don’t you suggest some space? Thinking time? have a serious conversation that you deserve more ? You need to take back some control yourself - she doesn’t get to decide what kind of relationship you should put up with . You might need to think of co-parenting arrangements and potentially find a proper relationship elsewhere

OP
she has basically told you she doenst give a fuck about your feelings.
Now either she is in cloud cuckoo land or she doesn’t love or fancy you at all but has decided to stay for the sake of the family and thinks you should do the same.

Either way your marriage is over. She sounds dreadful.

Really? No idea what you’re reading or whether you haven’t ready anything and just expressed a biased opinion there.
and she ain’t never gonna leave her meal ticket!

you need to look at no fault divorce, get on with your life, co parent and leave this awful woman behind

Update.

Last night a very sheepish wife said we needed to talk. She started by apologising for saying she didn't want to spend time with me and giving the impression that her relationship with me wasn't important.

She said she didn't want to hurt me but now realized that witholding her feelings and thoughts was hurting me more. She said that she wanted me to take more responsibility but at the same time resented me if I did. She doesn't want to have to tell me what to do but that when I do take the initiative and do some she gets frustrated with me.

The frustrations were down to two things. The first was that she likes things done her way so if I did something it would be the 'wrong' way in her eyes. The example she gave was wiping the sides down in the kitchen which we do differently.

Her other frustration is that she felt that everyone I took responsibility and got things done was that she felt I was doing it to make her feel bad because she hadn't done it. She said she knew that wasn't the case but couldn't help feeling that way.

I was completely shocked by all this but pleased she finally opened up. Apparently she has been feeling this way for years, even before kids but having kids and being the stay at home parent made the frustrations grow.

I made sure that I gave her the space to talk and listened to her properly. I didn't try to interject or defend my actions. Instead I said that I was worried about her and tumour relationship, that I was there to be part of a team. She said that in a team different players have different roles and that she needed to think of how she could move forward.

Feel like it's a starting point and I'm so glad she has opened up.

Well it's a start I suppose but what did she say about her lack of affection towards you? Did she say she loves you? Did you even hug?

She has criticised you again dressed up as talking but I'm not reading about any remorse on her part or apologies for her emotional distance from you.

Sounds like she reads mumsnet too and thr penny had just dropped that she is one being discussed.

Yes, could be the realisation that her Gravy Train may be terminal

Crikey OP, she’s been saying she doesn’t want to spend time with you and not opening up about the resentment she feels about you doing chores differently! Sounds a bit gaslighting to me tbh. It’s not fair of her at all. If she wants out of the marriage she should just say, not come out with something ridiculous to make you feel even worse. Sorry but that’s really not ok.

Jesus Christ on a bike. She sounds like a fucking nightmare. She definitely needs help.....you wipe the kitchen surfaces wrongly? 🤣🤣

She doesn't like the way you clean the kitchen surfaces???

Fucking hell. I wish I had your wifes problems. How does she cope?

Did she address the lack of sex? The total lack of affection in your marriage?

Not good enough op. She's not even trying. She's still being negative about you.

So you've got nowhere with your chat. Look, stop begging for scraps of decency. This is not a relationship example you want to set for your children. You also need to step back and give her more to do in the house. She doesn't work, you are essentially supporting her to live her best life at the moment. She will not respect you for arselicking believe me.
You have 2 choices, you either stay and continue like this OR leave and parent your children 50/50. She can get a job to support her own household.
If you stay, you will need to build a life for yourself and stay as roommates. That isn't going to change. She doesn't want that kind of relationship with you.
I think you will stay but dear god stop begging. Have some self respect. Just make your life with your children as fulfilling as possible.
Will mess your kids right up but hey ho, shit happens.

@Bestyearever2024 It's that awful you have to laugh. Poor op needs to file for divorce and find a woman to actually appreciate him.

Yes. Didn't put it all in the post because it was a long conversation.

She said the lack of affection comes from this resentment and her conflict about wanting me to be more responsible but then not liking it when I do. She said she has been distancing herself because she doesn't find me attractive when she resents me. I did hug her and she half hugged back. She said she thinks she still loves me but her confused feelings are stopping her from admitting that to me.