Wife no longer interested since kids - advice

[Swimmingtosurvive]

Really would appreciate another perspective in this situation from somebody who may have been in a similar boat.

Me and wife have been together for 19 years, married for 12 and now have two kids (8 and 5). Since kids have been born our relationship has nose dived. We have maybe 1 date night a year but even that is stopping. We haven't been intimate since second child was born. It just feels like there's nothing left.

I feel like I've tried to make an effort. Quite a few times I've tried to arrange for us to go out or have a date night at home, but it's been refused. I try to go out of my way to be there and help her. Yet it isn't reciprocal.

I'm fully aware that the situation will be down to both of us and that I will have made mistakes that contribute to this. I have tried to speak to my wife about it. She has just said that since having the kids she has no interest in spending time with me but that I've done nothing wrong. The kids are here focus.

My worry is that if we don't look after our relationship, it is ultimately going to affect the kids and when they leave home we'll be left with nothing. That hurt really badly and I've been having some counselling since. She would not agree to couples therapy when I suggested it.

Would really appreciate some advice. Maybe there's something I've missed or someone has had similar feelings to me/wife. Any thing will help.

Glad you have understood the issue with the word help.

I agree with this. Shes either quite ill or very entitled.
I would be having one last talk then making my plans to leave. She will have to get a job. You cannot carry on like this it's soul destroying.

What an odd post full of assumptions

Another thought. Are her parents still alive? What is or was their marital situation?

It could be that the current relationship she has with you replicates what she saw between her parents so this is normal and acceptable to her. Whereas you mentioned the warmth and supportiveness of your parents' relationship so it isn't what you aspire to and need.

@Swimmingtosurvive

I asked if she wanted me to leave and if we should seperate and she said no she didn't want that. That she wanted us as a family unit and we could see how our relationship was in 10/15 years when the kids had left home. I said I didn't know if I could wait that long to which her reply was that she could wait that long and we needed to think of stability for the kids.

Of course she doesn't want to separate and divorce. She has her life how she wants it, with none of the stress of having to factor in a job and what that entails.

You do all the financial providing and she's able to be a lady at leisure, doing unpaid volunteering work, meeting her friends, shopping etc. What are you getting out of the current situation, just for yourself?

And looking ahead, in the 10-15 years she mentioned, is the pendulum likely to have swung back again to what you shared before? what's she doing to ensure her own financial future (including a pension) rather than rely on you? Or her ability to financially support your children financially through university, purchase of their first homes, other large expenses- how will she be able to help you support them as you get to retirement age and beyond? Or simply, if something were to happen to you and you were unable to work, or needed care - what is her plan?

I really do think you need to see how you could coparent if/when separated and you were both living in separate homes and sharing/being responsible for the children fairly. How does that look?

If you haven't already done so, look at what your options are for you and your children - including legal consultation/advice, so you have more of an idea of how your future might look. 🌹

A sharp end would do her good. I'd do a bank switch and move all your wages and household outgoings to it. Let her start funding her own free life whilst you decide how to move forward. She has no intention in ten years of suddenly giving you affection and she knows it. But then it'll be expected you'll pay for life as she's sacrificed her life for the family.
I'd start to cut her lifestyle you can still provide essentials

OP if you do separate, and it sounds like you should, the usual advice applies…don’t go rushing into another relationship. Take plenty of time to just be single and always put your kids first. Don’t introduce anyone new to them for a really long time and don’t go moving someone into their home who will make them feel second best. It can be really difficult to spot people who pretend to like your kids till they get their feet under the table so I don’t envy you. Good luck!

As I said in my first post, she sees you as a walking wallet and part time free housekeeper. You will get nowhere by trying to understand her rationale. I am sure she has created a mental picture which justifies treating you so cruelly but, taking your posts at face value, her mental picture isn’t based in objective reality (leaving aside the fact that her daytime activities could easily include an OM).

I don’t know why so many posters aren’t wholeheartedly supporting you in splitting up with her. Regardless of the reasons that your marriage got here, it is no longer a marriage and you would be far better off having a (relatively) amicable divorce now and co-parenting effectively than taking any part of the deal that she is offering.

She unpacked it to see if I'd done it correctly. I guess there's something to unpick in that situation there! - this is classic. It happens all the time. Each partner has their own way of doing things and that is the only right way. And it is often the wife being the sole fount of wisdom on child care and household matters - leaves the men in a bit of a pickle - damned for being unhelpful if they don't do stuff, but damned if they do (because they do not do it her way).

With my late OH, he used to have the chidlren once a week on his day off which was one of my work days. I have little idea what went on - and was happy not to ask! Daddy's day, Daddy's way - I think chocolate was involved!

I do understand the dilemma of the OP. He loves his children and is an involved parent. If he leaves - which is clearly a very reasonable option - he will lose a lot of contact and day-today enjoyment of his family. But if he stays, he knows he is not appreciated and is just basically a meal ticket.

Maybe OP you should sit down with her and discuss quite specifically how child care/contact might be arranged if you split. Don't go over old conversations, just hone in on this topic. It might concentrate her mind a bit if she is forced to confront the possible outcome of her behaviour. Whatever her problem is (and she may be in need of help in some way), she cannot shirk the consequences of her actions.

Wow. This is not a fair or reasonable request from your DW. You only live once. It doesn't seem like she is prepared to compromise or look for solutions. I would consult a solicitor and start to consider practicalities. And then the next conversation I had with her would be along the lines of 'If you really won't consider counselling or any form of resolution discussion we need to start thinking about divorce and how we will manage it." This is not a healthy environment to bring up your kids in. I am so sorry.

I read this situation slightly differently. I'm autistic, late diagnosed - I had no idea until I was 43 years old. I need time to myself to potter around and decompress without being talked to or extra demands placed on me. Just to wash up in peace without someone trying to reach past me to get a glass of water for example, or to get something out of a cupboard. If I wasn't allowed this time out then I'd really struggle. If my husband then demanded time together or wanted to 'fix' the relationship on top of not allowing me this much-needed time then it would feel claustrophobic / suffocating / needy / demanding and cause me to withdraw further and put up barriers to intimacy.

It's obviously up to you if you want to continue this relationship or not. If it might be helpful to find out more about autism in women though, then perhaps Google Sarah Hendrickx and watch her YouTube videos or read her books.

Another thought is that you seem to be bending over backwards to try to please your wife but perhaps it's a bit too much for her to cope with? Who were you when she fell in love with you? What did she find attractive in you? Does she ever see that now?

Honestly, I think that you should think about leaving her, work through the finances and work out what that would look like and how you could arrange it so that you could spend time with your children in the week - 50:50 or One night in the week and every other weekend is pretty standard.

This is not a healthy relationship to model to your children. It is also not going to be healthy for your wife in the medium to long term - your kids will not want your wife breathing down their necks and living her life for them. In 10-15 years, she is going to be in a very odd place and I cannot imagine that she'll be feeling carefree and wanting to give time back to you.

One thing that you might want to consider is mental health - your wife may be depressed or anxious about parenting, but struggling to separate herself from it due to that same anxiety/low self esteem. This is not your issue - she has to want to get help - and you are not responsible for staying to help fix her.

Another possible is that your wife has physical issues with sex that she finds embarrassing and does not want intimacy to lead to sex. Again, this is something she has to be prepared to get help with.

One final thought is the extent to which one or both of you have changed physically since kids. This is natural, but can affect sexual attraction and also, if it is your wife who has changed, how she feels about herself. Again, not something you can help, but something to consider and understand.

Your posts read as if you are sure you have done something, but sometimes people fall out of love or attraction and this is painful - no one should have sex or intimacy they don't want, but no one should be forced to live without sex or intimacy either.

But in OPs case she gets plenty of space and this need to be solo is only a thing when he wants to talk, chat about their day, have an occasional date night. And it's every time he tries to initiate any sort of normal companionship.

Why should OP be the one who gets nothing but the dregs of her? She isn't even willing to explore reasons she just shuts him down.

If you were OP could you hand on heart continue in limbo like this?

If there are reasons for her being like she is - and by the sounds of things it's ONLY with him, she sounds incredibly social with everyone else - she owes it to this family she apparently lives for to help to her but to repair it.

Life's too short to be miserable. You have great kids and can be there for them. If you do 50:50 now then go for separation with a 50:50 commitment to look after your children. You can then take some of the space to find yourself again and someone who likes and loves to be with you. You may also need therapy.

I would highly recommend couple's therapy as what she is saying is not normal. Note therapy and not counselling. You both need help but for different reasons.

How do you feel about the prospect of life after divorce? Do you think you will be fairly attractive to other women and will find happiness again? Or do you lack confidence? How will the finances be?

What is stopping you from moving on, with 50:50 kid contact? Because she’s told you this relationship is over in all but name.

Yes it’ll be hurtful to begin with, but short term pain for long term gain?

If this was a relationship you had before having kids, you'd hear her words for what they are.

She's dumping you. You've been dumped. She's not into this relationship any more.

Now she has kids she's happy to exist in a formal "family unit" but this doesn't involve a romantic relationship - it's just co-parenting and house-sharing. If she didn't have kids she would have taken what she said to its logical conclusion and left you physically as well as emotionally.

The question is whether you can be happy with the co-existence setup she has in mind, which she obviously is content with, or not. Up to you but I would say "stability for the kids" is a red herring: my friends whose parents divorced and co-parented amicably are far more well-adjusted than those who grew up in a toxic or loveless household.

That's some big questions. I haven't even considered it to be honest. I've been wanting to put my focus into trying to rescue the marriage. Will I find happiness again? I don't know, I'd like to think so if it came to it and once the time was right. I'm fairly confident around the right people so is a case of finding the right people. Finances would be fine I believe. I earn above average in my position and because it's with council there is a decent pension as well.

What is stopping me from moving on? Two things. Firstly its the fear of admitting that I've failed in the one things that matters to me the most. Secondly I need in my own mind to know that I've exhausted all avenues. This thread has given me some insights which will be useful for that.

Thanks. I work with special educational needs in children and adults in my job. This isn't the case with my wife I can assure you, but thank you for sharing.

Who was I when she fell in love with me? Confident, out-going, spontaneous and care free. That what she told me she was attracted to. She probably doesn't see that any more because when I try to be those things, I get told that we are a family now and need things planned. That didn't used to be a problem as her meticulous planning and my spontaneity complemented each other. It doesn't seem to any more. Thanks that really made me think.

You sound lovely OP and your wife is taking the piss. She knows you're unhappy and doesn't care. She has a lovely life, gym, friends, not working. Why should you do 50% of the domestic stuff when she's at home all day and kids at school.

Do you go out with friends or do other stuff, gym etc in evenings or weekends. It sounds like you don't. I'd be building a life separately, gradually, with a view to leaving. Yes it will be hard not living full time with your children but it has to be a happier life long term than this limbo.

Thanks. I do't think I could even contemplate another relationship if we did separate! I' need time to heal as well as get things in order.

OP, you've now had some sensible and supportive advice here. I hope now you realise you've done all you can to resurrect your relationship but for your wife there is no compromise. She's checked out and has no interest in any kind of relationship with you outside of 'family time.'
Please start to look into separation with a view to beng good co parents to your children. You say you love your wife but she's intractable and ice cold towards you so why keep torturing yourself? Move on and be happy.

Firstly its the fear of admitting that I've failed in the one things that matters to me the most.

A relationship ending isn't a failure.

Life changes. People change. People's feelings change for all sorts of reasons, and for no reason at all. Other people's feelings aren't always in your control. A relationship, even a marriage, ending is just... something that happens in life.

It wasn't a failure because you had a good relationship. It was finite rather than forever but that doesn't negate the good times you shared, nor the parenthood it gave you. It was a good chapter, just not the last one.

Yes. I play football one evening a week and meet up with friends every couple of weeks. I have been trying to do a bit more of this reccently. Like when I asked if wife wanted to go to a gig of a band we both like and she said no. Normally I would have just not gone but I found a friend to go instead. Doing more of this is helpful, even if it does cause a bit of tension at home.