DH stringing me along

[Ratfinnk]

I’ve been off work for a while due to kids. DH has encouraged me not to go back to work, to start a business instead. He wants to start a business himself but his job pays the mortgage. So he said we’ll start it on the side and when it makes enough to pay the mortgage he’ll be able to leave his job.

I’m fine with this plan. It would give me the flexibility to look after DC and still earn money. The business would involve DH doing a limited amount of the specialist work he does in his day job, then I would be in charge of the much bigger job of selling it and handling customers. He’s invested around £4000 of our money into buying a computer, software and other digital gear. We are paying a monthly subscription for web hosting and other software.

Except he’s not actually getting on with it. Every evening he comes home, has his dinner and just looks at his phone or watches tv. Every weekend he lies in till about 10am and has a leisurely breakfast till 11. Then he goes to play golf for 4 hours on a Sunday afternoon.

I’ve put in a huge amount of effort. I’ve spent £1000 on training courses for marketing and finance skills for entrepreneurs. I’ve taught myself to build a website. Produced marketing materials. I’m getting up at 7am at the weekend to get on with work while DC are asleep, but he’s just lying in bed doing nothing. Then when he does get up he wants to piss around making a cooked breakfast and several coffees and reading the news.

I can’t do this without him because I don’t have his specialist skills to create the products we had planned to sell. I was so enthusiastic and motivated, I’ve put in so much work, and his lack of motivation and effort is so upsetting after all the effort I’ve put in. I’m taking it very personally because he’s really let me down. Not to mention that he’s spent thousands of pounds but he’s doing absolutely nothing.

I can’t explain how angry and upset I am. I’ve joined a business incubation group which has government funding to help you start a business. I’ve signed on the dotted line to receive financial support. And every month I’m going along and saying I’ve made no progress because “my business partner” (DH) hasn’t done his task of producing the stuff I would be selling.

Today I’m sitting here crying because yet again he’s lay in bed then cooked his breakfast and took a bath, then he’s pissing off to play golf. This just isn’t important to him, even though he initiated it. Which means I’m not important to him. He doesn’t care about stringing me along and wasting my time and money.

What are the specialist skills he has? Can you learn them and just ask him necessary questions. If you start actually doing it or trying to do it he may step in to make sure you are doing things right.

Do you say can I have a few hours of your time today to push on with the business, or are you just waiting for him to decide to do something?

What’s the specialist skill? I got more technical stuff done on fiver, I highly recommend it. Complicated web dev, complicated Facebook ad Campaigns, I outsourced a lot. Incubators are great by the way, it was the difference between my business succeeding and not.

Do you think his 'plan' was just a ploy to stop you getting a job?

I think you have to say to him "right then, I'm going to go back to work" and start putting your efforts into getting a job. At least you have new skill to improve your CV.

Maybe that'll spur him into action.

If not, it seems like he's deliberately put you into the position of having no income of your own while he swans about.

You could still start your own business selling something different or you could find another SME like your husband and go into partnership with them.
Alternatively your new skills potentially make you very employable.

I think you know by now it was just a fantasy for him and he doesn't have the drive or the interest to make it happen.

Tell him you’re lining up interviews with people with his specific skills and will be paying them out of the joint account.

What's been said when you've discussed it?

He says I keep badgering him. And when he’s not getting on with it on my timescale I’m bullying him.

I mean he said let’s start a business. He spent a LOT of money on equipment and software. He got me to register the business in my name because he doesn’t want his employer to find out. He went to the initial meeting with the business incubator and got me to sign for the support package because he’s not eligible. Then he’s done fuck all.

He insists he has done some work. But it’s an hour a week when he can be bothered doing a little bit. It’s not organised and regular with goals and deadlines. He’s not motivated. He’s just pissing about. I need the completed designs from him because the manufacturer is waiting to see them. When I ask for them he gets annoyed and says “do it yourself if you think you can”.

Except he’s not actually getting on with it. Every evening he comes home, has his dinner and just looks at his phone or watches tv. Every weekend he lies in till about 10am and has a leisurely breakfast till 11. Then he goes to play golf for 4 hours on a Sunday afternoon.

This is your actual probem. He is living like a single man and treating you like a maid and nanny. I mean, even single people have to make their own meals and do some household chores after work and at weekends. He has checked out of family life. You need to tackle this. and go back to work and insist on a better division of labour. Otherwise it's time to reevaluate the relationship.

I don’t have those skills and would need a degree plus industry experience in order to replicate them. My skills are marketing, admin, basically everything you need to run a business except the technical product related part. I could apply my skills to any business, but I was willing to support him in starting a business related to his specialism.

I shouldn’t have to ask him for his time. It’s not MY business - it’s supposed to be OURS. He should be setting his alarm for 6am and getting up to do stuff. He should be prioritising it above golf. If he isn’t doing it of his own accord there’s no point.

He got me to register the business in my name because he doesn’t want his employer to find out. He went to the initial meeting with the business incubator and got me to sign for the support package because he’s not eligible. Then he’s done fuck all.

Crikey, I don't like the sound of this, sounds very shady behaviour - would this moonlighting get him fired? Is he hoping to use his contacts from the employer for his own gain?

I think you'd be better off getting yourself out of this whole venture, take the loss, and get a job. Your husband is not reliable.

If you can't do the business without his input and if he is not willing to do it, you just have to let it go. It is really REALLY tough to start a business especially with your husband. Trust me, I have done it and still work with him on our business but it was brutual even though he was so cooperative.

If he is not fussed now, he won't be able to handle the heat when things are going full steam ahead.

Can you use your skills to start your own marketing business instead?

OP I really feel for you, it sounds like you have put so much into this and your DH is being flaky.

If I were you, I would give him a deadline to have made certain progress, fold the business if it is not met and focus on building your career back up. You sound incredibly driven and motivated and would be such an asset to any business.

good luck!

He's basically shown you he's not on your team

Do what you need to do with that information.

He won't make a business work Op, he didn't want you to get a job so he's given you a project to keep you at home. I don't think he expected your drive and skills to get the project this far so now he's trapped himself, he doesn't want to do the work, he just wanted you at home being childcare and housekeeper.
You have real skills @Ratfinnk , go and use them in a career, if your DH doesn't like it then tough. He's had his own way far, far too long

It doesn’t sound like it could ever be a good working relationship, so I agree with everyone else, go and work with someone else.

Find a job that will use your new skills. Tell dh it's a shame your respect will be going to another...
Research childcare options and tell him his share of the costs.

It’s a catch 22. He isn’t allowed to start a business on the side. But if he doesn’t start a side business he’ll be trapped at that employer forever. There’s literally no way he can leave and start a business, because we wouldn’t be able to pay the bills.

(Me getting a job while he starts a business wouldn’t work, because he gets paid treble what I would get paid and we couldn’t afford the bills on the amount I’d be able to earn. If I could match his salary we’d go this route, but I can’t).

Go and get a normal job PAYE with a company and benefit from pension contributions and paid holiday and not being beholden to someone who wants you to do it all.

Set up a business helping others set up a business

Can you set up a business helping others to get their designs/innovations/services off the ground?

You need to unwind the financial end. Consult a lawyer if you have to as you have signed documents and received money you are not entitled to if you can’t complete your promised tasks/build the business.

Then go back to work with your new skills. The marriage may rebalance when you are (in his eyes) an equal partner earning money’. But I doubt it. I think he essentially faked you out into becoming a dependent spouse. He coaxed you into being a SAHM becsuse it meant you were stuck in a support role without power.

This. Ditch the project, get a job and stop doing anything for this absolute waste of space.

If he's making designs has he got whatever it is patented? If it's some novel thing there will be 100 cheap copies out there in no time if there is no patent. Also is it rather close to what his current company make has he realised he might be treading on toes and might get into a rights battle.

Sounds like the dream has come too close and he realises it's not going to work or he's more comfortable just taking home a wage and not taking the risk. Either way time for you to get back to doing your dream whether a different business venture or a paid job.