DH stringing me along

[Ratfinnk]

I’ve been off work for a while due to kids. DH has encouraged me not to go back to work, to start a business instead. He wants to start a business himself but his job pays the mortgage. So he said we’ll start it on the side and when it makes enough to pay the mortgage he’ll be able to leave his job.

I’m fine with this plan. It would give me the flexibility to look after DC and still earn money. The business would involve DH doing a limited amount of the specialist work he does in his day job, then I would be in charge of the much bigger job of selling it and handling customers. He’s invested around £4000 of our money into buying a computer, software and other digital gear. We are paying a monthly subscription for web hosting and other software.

Except he’s not actually getting on with it. Every evening he comes home, has his dinner and just looks at his phone or watches tv. Every weekend he lies in till about 10am and has a leisurely breakfast till 11. Then he goes to play golf for 4 hours on a Sunday afternoon.

I’ve put in a huge amount of effort. I’ve spent £1000 on training courses for marketing and finance skills for entrepreneurs. I’ve taught myself to build a website. Produced marketing materials. I’m getting up at 7am at the weekend to get on with work while DC are asleep, but he’s just lying in bed doing nothing. Then when he does get up he wants to piss around making a cooked breakfast and several coffees and reading the news.

I can’t do this without him because I don’t have his specialist skills to create the products we had planned to sell. I was so enthusiastic and motivated, I’ve put in so much work, and his lack of motivation and effort is so upsetting after all the effort I’ve put in. I’m taking it very personally because he’s really let me down. Not to mention that he’s spent thousands of pounds but he’s doing absolutely nothing.

I can’t explain how angry and upset I am. I’ve joined a business incubation group which has government funding to help you start a business. I’ve signed on the dotted line to receive financial support. And every month I’m going along and saying I’ve made no progress because “my business partner” (DH) hasn’t done his task of producing the stuff I would be selling.

Today I’m sitting here crying because yet again he’s lay in bed then cooked his breakfast and took a bath, then he’s pissing off to play golf. This just isn’t important to him, even though he initiated it. Which means I’m not important to him. He doesn’t care about stringing me along and wasting my time and money.

I think he essentially faked you out into becoming a dependent spouse. He coaxed you into being a SAHM becsuse it meant you were stuck in a support role without power.

Yes.

If he's making designs has he got whatever it is patented
Patents cost thousands of pounds for every single one. You can’t really patent illustrations anyway, if they’re popular you can’t stop people copying them.

I need the illustrations so I can look at having them put on products. I can’t draw them myself. I have manufacturers lined up, who are losing interest because the illustrations aren’t materialising.

His employer says he’s not allowed to draw for other people, including himself. I can claim to have done the illustrations myself, that’s not a problem - but I can’t actually do them.

One manufacturer was lined up to do a test batch of mugs if I got the illustrations to them by the end of May, which is two weeks away. Today he still lay in bed then went to play golf. I told him I need these drawings - he claimed he drew for an hour on Wednesday, but he’s also “working” while he’s lying in the bath because he’s thinking about it. Then he got annoyed and said I’m bullying him. We argued and then he said “why do I have to do it, if you want to start a business then do it yourself”.

I’m absolutely fed up. He’s completely strung me along and put me in a terrible situation, and he doesn’t give a shit.

I think you need to ditch the plan and start looking for jobs OP. I know it seems like an enormous waste of money, but I just can't see this working, so every additional hour or £ you spend on it is throwing good money after bad.

I agree with the posters who are concerned that the business is in your name, and that you need to get out of the whole project.

I can claim to have done the illustrations myself, that’s not a problem

Seriously?

Doesn't he have a particular recognisable style? It's not going to be exactly rocket science for his employer to figure out.

I would give up on him and use all your skills to set up as a virtual pa/ assistant

Yuk what a twunt!!!! He wants you to shut up and be a good little wifey - playing Golf every Sunday - he’s soooooo entitled - does he look after his children- do you go out by yourself? He’s stringing you along - GET A JOB for you - never work for him - he’s shown you who he is and how he behaves.
How unattractive- no sharing or caring from him. He’s not going to change - I hope he has some redeeming qualities.

"Sunk costs fallacy." Wind up the business, get a job, make him do his share of chores and tell him he can't go to bloody golf every Sunday as it's his turn to look after the kids

There are reasons why I haven’t done this, which I didn’t see the need to explain up front.

But in a nutshell, my son has a disability and doesn’t cope well in childcare. He started nursery on half days and slowly ramped up to doing 9am-3pm. Now I’ve put him in morning wraparound care from 8am to get him used to it - some days he refuses to go, some days he’s late because I have to coerce him and he has a meltdown, but he’s getting better.

That allows me to work 8am-3pm plus a couple more hours after he goes to bed. I can’t get a decent job that fits those hours, because as we all know, professional jobs aren’t advertised on a part time basis. My best shot at being able to do professional work is self employment, and DH saw the opportunity to get started with a business he’s been wanting to do for years. So I’ve set it all up, but he isn’t coming up with the goods and I’m so angry.

If I do go and get a full time job then DH will be fucked because he won’t be able to do his current job any more. If I divorce him and he gets partial custody he’ll be even more fucked. He obviously isn’t thinking about this.

He is deliberately sabotaging you OP. He wants to keep you trapped at home. Does he even do any household chores or looking after his own children? How much free leisure time do you get in comparison to him?

Get yourself a job, earn some of your own money, and become more independent outside of the home. He needs to step up and commit to being a proper father and family man - otherwise use your newly earned money on a solicitor.

PS - he is not a nice man.

EDIT - Saw your update. Go get a nightshift at a supermarket, or evening shift at a pub. Just do anything so you aren't trapped anymore.

I'd ditch the business and get a job. This business will only work with his commitment. He isn't committed to it. He's committed to you being a SAHP.

I would have been out with “do it yourself if you think you can”. He's an obnoxious wanker. He's not fulfilling his part that he committed to but your baggering him, moaning, nagging and the shit men say when they aren't doing what they are meant to be doing.

If I do go and get a full time job then DH will be fucked because he won’t be able to do his current job any more. If I divorce him and he gets partial custody he’ll be even more fucked. He obviously isn’t thinking about this.

It hasn't even crossed his mind. He's complacent and relying on his ability to shout you down and shut you up.

The style he wants to do isn’t the same style he does at work. At work he draws what he’s told to draw, not what he wants to draw.

I actually do draw a bit as an amateur (we met at a local art class he volunteered to teach several years ago). So it’s not beyond belief that I could be doing the illustrations for our products. I just don’t have the level of skill to actually do it, or the technical knowledge of drawing prints specifically to put on products.

Anyway it seemed like a good plan. He draws what he wants to draw, I organise the printing and selling and posting, I have a job that fits around DS’s needs, and when we make a reasonable income he’s free to quit his job and expand the business.

Except he isn’t doing his bit. Then he starts whinging about me not supporting him, and he has mental health problems, and he can’t concentrate. I’ve asked him what these problems are and he couldn’t say. Then he said “work stress” and “worries about turning 40 and getting older” which is a crock of shit excuses for wasting my time.

Can you get someone else to do the drawings? Or at least tell him that's what you're thinking of doing? Might galvanise some action from him.

Otherwise, get a weekend job, then he can do childcare at the weekend?

If I do go and get a full time job then DH will be fucked because he won’t be able to do his current job any more.
Why won't he? He won't be the one bending over backwards, it will be you. As usual. You are not a team. Its him, then you waaaayyyy down there. He's been showing you that for years you just haven't seen it.

If I divorce him and he gets partial custody he’ll be even more fucked. He obviously isn’t thinking about this.
Dont be silly - he won't want partial custody unless he can palm his children off onto someone else.

You are fucked if you stay, you are fucked if you leave. But the severity of fuckness will be less if you leave. He will be fine - those kind of men always are.

The business would involve DH doing a limited amount of the specialist work he does in his day job, then I would be in charge of the much bigger job of selling it and handling customers.

lol you are having a laugh OP. His role in the business is obviously “bigger” than your role as you don’t have a business without his work. He is the business. He is the product. You are the admin.

He probably feels hesitant due to the conflict with his employer and the legality. Plus if his role is creative, he likely might not be able to work under pressure eg banging out an illustration at 6am before breakfast to appease you whilst holding down a full time job in a similar role. He might be burnt out and not be able to work on demand as you assume.

I think you have unreasonable expectations and you’d be better off finding a job or business that isn’t reliant on him. you’re trying to make a square fit in a round hole and it isn’t working out.

Do you think he's just being lazy about the drawings (he does seem to regard all his downtime as strictly for him,) or is he afraid he's going to be caught out out work? He may hate his job but he may now be really worried what will happen if they find out, he'll lose his job and there's no money in the business yet.
Frankly, he should have thought about this before, not wait until now

If I do go and get a full time job then DH will be fucked because he won’t be able to do his current job any more. If I divorce him and he gets partial custody he’ll be even more fucked. He obviously isn’t thinking about this.

Actions have consquences. Your husband has been using you, as a maid, as a nanny, as a carer for yuor disabled DC, and now as an employee. As a result of his own actions your choices are: he can continue to fuck you over or he can go fuck himself. Up to you but I would choose the second.

You clearly have a great career ahead of you as a businesswomen, not in this specific job but in future. Don't destroy that now by claiming your husband's work as your own. His work is his work. Your husband will always have a hold over you professionally if you lie about that, even if he agrees to it now. Do not lie for him, he will turn it back onto you.

I'd ditch the business and get a job. This business will only work with his commitment. He isn't committed to it. He's committed to you being a SAHP.
This is what I’m starting to think. I was talking about getting a job because DS was more settled in childcare, and that’s when DH proposed we could start a business. So “we” could fit both of us working flexibly around DS’s needs, because we can’t both have traditional full time jobs.

He was all for it, said he’s been wanting to do it for years, and it could be a way for him to leave his current job (he can’t switch to another job on the same salary, there’s no other jobs for illustrators who head up a team in a big company, so he’s basically trapped).

But he isn’t actually getting on with it, despite investing a shit ton of money and loads of my time and effort. Basically I think it was just to stop me getting a job, but he has no real motivation, despite what he claims. I’m so angry.

Put the anger in the back burner and move forward doing what you need to do. Advertise for an illustrator and hire one to fo the designs?

Seriously OP, if it’s illustrations and design you need doing, get AI/Chatgpt to do it. It does it brilliantly, then it’s all yours and you can get on with it. Pay the premium subscription, I think it’s about £20/month.

Time wise he could illustrate one pattern and I could sell it on mugs for the next five years. His role is more central but not “bigger”. But if he doesn’t do his part it’s game over.

Honestly, I believed in him - and I believed in supporting him and helping him to achieve what he wanted to do. I didn’t want to go and hire someone else to draw stuff for me - we were supposed to be doing this together, for our own future.

He works under pressure all the time. He gets told to draw xyz by the end of the week, and he does it. So don’t tell me he can’t produce on demand, because he can. He’s just failing to do it. And it was his idea to start with, I didn’t ask him to do it. I’m so angry at him.

He currently has a good wage and you need this to pay the bills. After you had kids he decided that it would be better if you stayed at home as it would make his life easier. He said that you and him could set up a business and in time he might be able to leave his current employer.
So he has spent this money and you put in as much effort/time as you can meanwhile he is doing nothing to help you out. No wonder your unhappy with him and this situation.

In your situation I would start to look for a job. Tell him that your job hunting so he is going to have to pull his weight in regards to childcare ect.
You need to get back to work and build up your NI record. You will probably have access to a private pension in a job as well.

He may not be happy to hear this but he has given you no other choice at this stage. He is not willing to put the work to help you make a go of this business but meanwhile your there to mind his kids, do housework ect.
He needs to realise that it not always about him and what he wants.

He currently has a good wage and you need this to pay the bills. After you had kids he decided that it would be better if you stayed at home as it would make his life easier. He said that you and him could set up a business and in time he might be able to leave his current employer.
So he has spent this money and you put in as much effort/time as you can meanwhile he is doing nothing to help you out. No wonder your unhappy with him and this situation.

In your situation I would start to look for a job. Tell him that your job hunting so he is going to have to pull his weight in regards to childcare ect.
You need to get back to work and build up your NI record. You will probably have access to a private pension in a job as well.

He may not be happy to hear this but he has given you no other choice at this stage. He is not willing to put the work to help you make a go of this business but meanwhile your there to mind his kids, do housework ect.
He needs to realise that it not always about him and what he wants.

Yes, I would hire an illustrator and carry on regardless of him.

He sounds like the very last person to go into business with. He'd be a nightmare partner.