DH stringing me along

[Ratfinnk]

I’ve been off work for a while due to kids. DH has encouraged me not to go back to work, to start a business instead. He wants to start a business himself but his job pays the mortgage. So he said we’ll start it on the side and when it makes enough to pay the mortgage he’ll be able to leave his job.

I’m fine with this plan. It would give me the flexibility to look after DC and still earn money. The business would involve DH doing a limited amount of the specialist work he does in his day job, then I would be in charge of the much bigger job of selling it and handling customers. He’s invested around £4000 of our money into buying a computer, software and other digital gear. We are paying a monthly subscription for web hosting and other software.

Except he’s not actually getting on with it. Every evening he comes home, has his dinner and just looks at his phone or watches tv. Every weekend he lies in till about 10am and has a leisurely breakfast till 11. Then he goes to play golf for 4 hours on a Sunday afternoon.

I’ve put in a huge amount of effort. I’ve spent £1000 on training courses for marketing and finance skills for entrepreneurs. I’ve taught myself to build a website. Produced marketing materials. I’m getting up at 7am at the weekend to get on with work while DC are asleep, but he’s just lying in bed doing nothing. Then when he does get up he wants to piss around making a cooked breakfast and several coffees and reading the news.

I can’t do this without him because I don’t have his specialist skills to create the products we had planned to sell. I was so enthusiastic and motivated, I’ve put in so much work, and his lack of motivation and effort is so upsetting after all the effort I’ve put in. I’m taking it very personally because he’s really let me down. Not to mention that he’s spent thousands of pounds but he’s doing absolutely nothing.

I can’t explain how angry and upset I am. I’ve joined a business incubation group which has government funding to help you start a business. I’ve signed on the dotted line to receive financial support. And every month I’m going along and saying I’ve made no progress because “my business partner” (DH) hasn’t done his task of producing the stuff I would be selling.

Today I’m sitting here crying because yet again he’s lay in bed then cooked his breakfast and took a bath, then he’s pissing off to play golf. This just isn’t important to him, even though he initiated it. Which means I’m not important to him. He doesn’t care about stringing me along and wasting my time and money.

I mean I get that it’s stressful. He draws patterns and illustrations, but he also manages several people and their workload, liaises with clients who have ordered designs, meets with different materials suppliers and ink suppliers, works with manufacturing who make samples for him, feeds back to his twatty bosses who are always shouting at him and being abusive, etc.

He gets paid decently but his employer rakes in millions, and he doesn’t get any credit. He isn’t even allowed to post a photo of his work on Instagram or LinkedIn. One of his patterns won an award and he wasn’t even invited to collect it, the company owner went and her photo was all over the interiors magazines with a quote saying how proud she was of “her” winning design.

I totally understand why DH wants to be able to be public about his work and benefit financially if he produces something that’s commercially successful. I get how it’s frustrating and demeaning to be doing stuff anonymously while the people at the top take the credit and the money. I was more than willing to help him set up our own business. What I didn’t expect is this total lack of interest and motivation. He’s probably drawing 4-5 designs a week at work, and for our own business he hasn’t produced a single design this entire year.

It upsets me when he comes home crying and saying he’s trapped because he has to support our family. I was more than willing to help him set up a way to escape. Frankly I’m shocked at how he’s turned around and done fuck all.

If he's struggling under the strain of being the sole breadwinner and being unhappy at his job, it didn't really make sense to start up a business together that required significant contribution from him on top of that. I can see why it seemed tempting, but it was kind of pie in the sky in that scenario.

It would have made far more sense for you to take up more of the strain by staying in your career in the first place or going self-employed off your own bat or going back to work now.

It’s clear that he doesn’t want to do this. Actions always speak louder than words.

You need plan B. Time now to focus on something achievable I’m afraid to say as you’re getting nowhere with the original idea.

You've had lots of good advice on this thread, but it sounds like the sheer weight of resentment is holding you back (understandably so).

If you don't yet feel able to move on, business-wise, maybe you should put all that on hold and focus on dealing with those emotions, and on communication with your DH, which sounds pretty rotten at the moment. That is, if you want to stay with him.

Is the idea of replacing your DH's input with AI or a freelance illustrator not workable? Do you/DH have any other contacts in the industry you think might be able and willing to do it?

If not, then I think you're better off completely pivoting into a different business area. Would it be possible to talk to whoever gave you the stipend to change business plans? Get advice from the incubator?

Right now you're paying money for him to be useless. He would not get away with that at another company - why is it ok in your company?

If you could start a business on your own that would give you a lot more possibilities down the line without being reliant on DH. I think it'd be a blessing in disguise if this lets you be financially independent of him.

I totally understand why DH wants to be able to be public about his work and benefit financially if he produces something that’s commercially successful. I get how it’s frustrating and demeaning to be doing stuff anonymously while the people at the top take the credit and the money.

Also, the business doesn't solve this problem as for however long it takes for it to become viable, let alone profitable enough for him to give up his job, you're going to be the face of it and getting any recognition there might be. Then what, he's going to go "da da, it was me El Barto all along!" to clients?

^^ this sounds a much better idea.
Wind up the business and get a PAYE job or go self employed as a Virtual PA or EA.

I would tell him you're going to start job hunting. The skills you've been working on won't be wasted.

Op, you have some good advice here. You need to get past the costs already incurred and look to where you want to be. Even if he does suddenly produce a design for the mugs, do you really want to go through this ordeal every time you need a new one? Even high profile designs have struggled like Orla Kieley, Emma Bridgewater etc.

Decide what works best for you whether that is employment, or selling handbags, then go and do it. Put yourself on an equal footing.

Also, you have given a few details here that might lead the employer to guess, so you might want to consider asking for the thread to be taken down, if you don't want them knowing your husband is considering going against his contract.

At least he’d be getting the money even if he didn’t get recognition. Better than getting no money and no recognition.

Would whatever you're skilled in @Ratfinnk earn enough to cover your dhs current wage? If so, could it be that you go and get a full time job and he runs the business you've set up together, and takes over the care of your ds? I know you said he hasn't done any of it, but he is his son too and if he is serious about this business you've started together, then this might be the only way.
If anything, it would tell you if he does actually want to leave where he is and if he doesn't, then some ducks might need sorting out.

I'm not sure emotionally it would work like that. It sounds like it's as much an ego thing as anything, and I doubt wifey getting the credit will sit well with him.

At least he’d be getting the money even if he didn’t get recognition
There's no guarantee the business will make any money, particularly if you're not looking at 'print on demand' type goods to start off with, to limit your risk. Somewhere else in the multiverse you are posting on MN because you've got 5000 mugs in the garage that no-one wants to buy.

Hopefully this thread is helping you to vent @Ratfinnk but now it's time for action.

1. Hiring in an illustrator sounds like the best bet as you've researched how to market illustrated products. I get that you don't want to do this because you want to establish a house style and it costs money, but no business that requires only perfect conditions to thrive is going to survive long term. This option is also the most likely to spur DH into action, but I agree with the previous poster who pointed out that could be a double-edged sword if you commit more money to this venture and then he flakes out again later.
2. You market yourself as a marketing specialist to other small businesses, who are potentially able to do the actual making of the widget to sell, but no good at the marketing and selling. Even if you go ahead with 1, I think this option is worth exploring in parallel.
3. You pivot to virtual PA work. A virtual PA who can also pick up some marketing/social media engagement stuff sounds like a good bet for a small or medium company.

Personally I would start with 2 and 3, because those involve income generation rather than expense. Once the business has been running for a little while and you've gone through the hassle of registering for and paying for VAT, insurances etc etc and have got a better idea of whether running your own business is the type of self-employment you want to do, then you can test out the illustrator idea with someone else.

What I would not do is wait around any more for DH to come good. He isn't going to, and if you badger him into it it will be a half-arsed, short-lived effort.

I agree with @SprigatitoYouAndIKnow that the thread is probably too identifying, so now just hoping I haven't typed all this whilst the thread was being deleted!

Best of luck - if you want to run a business you are going to have to take decisive action.

Not a long from what we are reading.
Another one of these lazy and entitled fathers who think anytime that they aren't at work is their 'ME TIME'. All the parenting is left to the mother.

I suggested using generative AI to make the designs upthread, but the more I read your updates OP the more I think you should get a job at a company (not self employed).

Your DH sounds miserable and unless he lands a remote role somewhere, he has really limited options for leaving. If you start progressing in your own career it'll take the pressure off him and also give you something for you.

I have only read your posts @Ratfinnk so I'm sorry if someone has suggested this already but could you commission another artist to do the illustrations? You are going to have to do something because he isn't going to step up here. So either use AI wizardry or you need someone else to do it. Take him out of the equation. Though then I suspect he may make things very difficult for you. I dont think he intends for this to succeed.
I would do whatever I could to crack on and make a success of this. You have more than done your bit, it would be a shame to stop it all now.
Edited to add I've seen it has been mentioned doh! I think hiring your own illustrator is the way to go. You need to drop the thought of this being something you do together, if you want to make a go of it.

wait and see if he provides the designs by the end of may as agreed. Beginning of June you’ll either be able to forge forward with his contribution or look for evening and weekend work. Even if it’s an interim job. He will be doing all the childcare while you work, so it will be quite a wake up call for him.

No. This is the main problem. I’m skilled at marketing and admin but I was only earning 28k before I got pregnant, it’s not a highly paid field unless you’re in a big city. DH earns more than double that amount. So I couldn’t go back to work and let him quit because we still couldn’t pay the bills.

Also I wouldn’t even earn that much because I’d have to go part time to allow me to fit around DS’s needs. Leaving aside for a moment the difficulties of actually getting a professional job that would accept a new recruit not working full time - if I could get such a part time job I’d probably be looking at earning more like 22k. Nowhere near enough to enable DH to quit.

DH would not take over the care of DS so I could work full time. He’d say he’s trying to set up a business and being responsible for childcare would limit the hours he can work so he can’t do it. In other words, his time is more valuable and highly paid than mine, so therefore it’s my time that should be sacrificed to childcare.

It's a hugely saturated market, the mug one.

I'd be so frustrated if I were you but also very concerned that his work would get a sniff of it if it took off and that could be a huge world of trouble too.

If you are skilled at marketing, I would consider going freelance / setting up on your own marketing agency regardless of what your husband does.

If you are good and also reasonably focussed, you would be able to outstrip £28k relatively quickly.

DH would not take over the care of DS so I could work full time. He’d say he’s trying to set up a business and being responsible for childcare would limit the hours he can work so he can’t do it. In other words, his time is more valuable and highly paid than mine, so therefore it’s my time that should be sacrificed to childcare

This is the discussion you need to have, even if you know what he is going to say. If he does say the stuff above, then get him to explain why he expects you to wfh and bring up your ds, but he couldn't do it. What's different? Nothing as far as I can see.
I do really feel for you as he has got you in a tricky position with no easy way through or even out of it.

Did you write a business plan?

Re the money.

Legally that money is yours so if you needed it it is available to you. If you're worried about the family, talk to them. Explain the situation and they may be able to offer an alternative solution.

If the business is solely yours, then you can do whatever you want with it. Close it or run it as you see fit. DH has absolutely no intention of running a business with you and probably bought the technology for himself. The business was an excuse.

As for paying artist; there are plenty of talented art students out there who wouldn't say no to a bit of cash. Be upfront about the situation. They have the choice of two answers. And there is no excuse for not sharpening up your own pencils.

Either you give in and stick at being the little woman or you make that business work. It's legally nothing to do with him so he can keep his oar out. Pretend it's gone, for in a way it already is.

You need your own money and if you have to lie low while the business grows so be it. He's not going to help you because he wants you under his thumb. He's playing Mr Important with you as cook, maid and childminder. Stuff that and stuff him. Talk to the incubator people and ask for help and advice. Carpe diem, OP.

could u find someone else with those skills? The business is in your name so what is there stopping you from going on ahead without him?

How long has this been going on for?

I can see both sides.

I can see why you’re so frustrated but I can also see how exhausted he is and the last thing he wants to do is come home and carry on working.

It upsets me when he comes home crying and saying he’s trapped because he has to support our family.

He comes home crying because he is so stressed!
That is not normal and that is someone on the way to a mental breakdown.

We cannot pour from an empty cup.

I would feel exactly as frustrated as you but you know he wants this just as much as you, he just cannot cope right now.

Can he take some annual leave?

He can have a day or 2 relaxing, then spend the rest of the time fully focussing on the new business.