DH stringing me along

[Ratfinnk]

I’ve been off work for a while due to kids. DH has encouraged me not to go back to work, to start a business instead. He wants to start a business himself but his job pays the mortgage. So he said we’ll start it on the side and when it makes enough to pay the mortgage he’ll be able to leave his job.

I’m fine with this plan. It would give me the flexibility to look after DC and still earn money. The business would involve DH doing a limited amount of the specialist work he does in his day job, then I would be in charge of the much bigger job of selling it and handling customers. He’s invested around £4000 of our money into buying a computer, software and other digital gear. We are paying a monthly subscription for web hosting and other software.

Except he’s not actually getting on with it. Every evening he comes home, has his dinner and just looks at his phone or watches tv. Every weekend he lies in till about 10am and has a leisurely breakfast till 11. Then he goes to play golf for 4 hours on a Sunday afternoon.

I’ve put in a huge amount of effort. I’ve spent £1000 on training courses for marketing and finance skills for entrepreneurs. I’ve taught myself to build a website. Produced marketing materials. I’m getting up at 7am at the weekend to get on with work while DC are asleep, but he’s just lying in bed doing nothing. Then when he does get up he wants to piss around making a cooked breakfast and several coffees and reading the news.

I can’t do this without him because I don’t have his specialist skills to create the products we had planned to sell. I was so enthusiastic and motivated, I’ve put in so much work, and his lack of motivation and effort is so upsetting after all the effort I’ve put in. I’m taking it very personally because he’s really let me down. Not to mention that he’s spent thousands of pounds but he’s doing absolutely nothing.

I can’t explain how angry and upset I am. I’ve joined a business incubation group which has government funding to help you start a business. I’ve signed on the dotted line to receive financial support. And every month I’m going along and saying I’ve made no progress because “my business partner” (DH) hasn’t done his task of producing the stuff I would be selling.

Today I’m sitting here crying because yet again he’s lay in bed then cooked his breakfast and took a bath, then he’s pissing off to play golf. This just isn’t important to him, even though he initiated it. Which means I’m not important to him. He doesn’t care about stringing me along and wasting my time and money.

I think it's a brilliant business plan.

(Can't understand some of the negative scaredy cat comments e.g. @category12).

If he can't be arsed, fuck him. Go out, do your own thing and enjoy life.

He'll soon wake up and start complaining when he finally realises, he's paying for everything, and could be having a great second income.

Then give him a taste of his own medicine and drag your heels until you're good and ready.

I was going to say something along these lines.

You've done all the setting up work, investment in equipment, investigating funding packages etc...

You could just stop asking him. His attitude is probably not going to change.

Basically your key supplier has let you down. Ask those start up groups that were advising you. Perhaps you could slightly change the focus of your business.

How many designs would you need to get off the ground for your original project.
Maybe student artists who would like to get involved, it would give them a platform to display their work? You could work out an agreement on payment with them..an innitial payment and eg if a design is particularly popular they could have some form of bonus. You could offer to partner with a local art college/charity and or have some kind of competition, which could get you local media coverage (to put on your website).

There may be other artists who would like to participate as an extra to their day job. True, you won't get free designs as you would from DH but it may be an expense you could set against tax etc?

Wishing all the best

The only way you can be happy is to start thinking about what you want. Forget the business and the money spent.

Do you want to work?
For yourself?
Employed?

Dissolve this business and make your own plans that don't rely on your husband.

Also he needs to start pulling his weight on a weekend. It should not all be on you. And I'd take up a hobby so you get a few hours off sometimes.

This was never going to work as he can't legally provide you with drawings. His employer makes it very clear that working on the side is not an option.

If I were you I'd buy the drawings you need from a freelance illustrator. Build up your business and when it's viable your husband can quit his job and work with you to build the business even more.

He's clearly backtracked as he knows he'd be in serious trouble if he did drawings for your business. In fact he'd most likely lose his job or worse... his employer could claim the illustrations are theirs as he is employed by them. There's no way you can 'pretend' that you did the illustrations.

So you either need to seek alternative illustrations or forget about the business entirely and go and get a job elsewhere.

OP have you seen the thread in 30 days only by Mumagain2022?

Just wondering if there’s a collaboration here…

It's his casual dishonesty that bothers me. He said he was willing to lie to his employer and he's made promises to you with seemingly no intention to keep them. He's lazy and entitled. His way of crying and blaming everyone else for his own problems and dumping all the work on you is very unappealing.

After the way he let you down it might not be so surprising if he gets shouted at and sworn at by his bosses, he might be making the same lazy promises to them too.

Though I wonder what else he's been covering up with tears and tantrums. Maybe his specialiist skills aren't as great as you think they are and maybe rather than being shouted and sworn at he's been put on performance improvement instead. Maybe this is the one and only job in the world that will pay him what he's getting and that might not be forever.

It might not be ideal but if he can't be relied on then you really will need to make your career without him.

@Renamed that's great advice! Good spot! I've just found the thread in 30 days and this could be a fit!

OP - I can't link to the post but search for: Made to feel rubbish for trying to follow my passion.

OP, DuckbilledSplatterPuff has nailed it.

Artists are ten a penny and students may draw for free if you offer a commission and/or the opportunity to sign their work.

I would keep going and tell "D"H that you need to pay back start up costs etc from his account. Invest in your business and run it without him. He owes you for the lies he's told and since he's way too busy being important, he's never at home to tell. If you use female artists they could be your drawing group, not important men ... Let his neglect be your biggest asset. Leave your own drawibgs of whatever on the kitchen table.

Sunk cost fallacy aside, I think you need to keep going and make a success of this. When, not if, the money comes in, you can then decide if you want him rather than just depending on him.

It's pretty normal for companies to retain the IPR for anything their employees produce whether it's consulting services, designs or drawings. So I'd get over that albeit it's a bit shit to take credit for someone else's work [by the company mgmt.]

Have you investigated a trust for your DC? Have the funds managed on his behalf. You'd be the executor and could appoint others in the event of his death? It would be invested for him and be untouchable by the govt to the best of my knowledge and I'm reasonably sure not considered an asset for you unless you have the right to break the trust and take the money?

It sounds as though you've got it all figured out, I'd advertise for a design partner and do it on the basis that they are compensated better than industry average / or equity profit share in due course. You want a designer that's there for the long haul if you have a commercially successful design?

What does this mean? Do you have a business loan that needs paying off?
got me to sign for a funded business support package

If you ARE going to ask MNHQ to take this thread down, do first take a hard copy (eg copy and paste the text into your own secure email account that he doesn't have access to) so you have the responses and suggestions as a reference for you when you are ready. 🌹

He lost the final milligram off empathy I felt for him at your last paragraph OP. It’s his family. Millions of women are in the same situation. YOU ARE FFS! And you are the one trying to help HIM.

Fuck that noise. Seriously. I don’t know how you put up with him.