DH stringing me along

[Ratfinnk]

I’ve been off work for a while due to kids. DH has encouraged me not to go back to work, to start a business instead. He wants to start a business himself but his job pays the mortgage. So he said we’ll start it on the side and when it makes enough to pay the mortgage he’ll be able to leave his job.

I’m fine with this plan. It would give me the flexibility to look after DC and still earn money. The business would involve DH doing a limited amount of the specialist work he does in his day job, then I would be in charge of the much bigger job of selling it and handling customers. He’s invested around £4000 of our money into buying a computer, software and other digital gear. We are paying a monthly subscription for web hosting and other software.

Except he’s not actually getting on with it. Every evening he comes home, has his dinner and just looks at his phone or watches tv. Every weekend he lies in till about 10am and has a leisurely breakfast till 11. Then he goes to play golf for 4 hours on a Sunday afternoon.

I’ve put in a huge amount of effort. I’ve spent £1000 on training courses for marketing and finance skills for entrepreneurs. I’ve taught myself to build a website. Produced marketing materials. I’m getting up at 7am at the weekend to get on with work while DC are asleep, but he’s just lying in bed doing nothing. Then when he does get up he wants to piss around making a cooked breakfast and several coffees and reading the news.

I can’t do this without him because I don’t have his specialist skills to create the products we had planned to sell. I was so enthusiastic and motivated, I’ve put in so much work, and his lack of motivation and effort is so upsetting after all the effort I’ve put in. I’m taking it very personally because he’s really let me down. Not to mention that he’s spent thousands of pounds but he’s doing absolutely nothing.

I can’t explain how angry and upset I am. I’ve joined a business incubation group which has government funding to help you start a business. I’ve signed on the dotted line to receive financial support. And every month I’m going along and saying I’ve made no progress because “my business partner” (DH) hasn’t done his task of producing the stuff I would be selling.

Today I’m sitting here crying because yet again he’s lay in bed then cooked his breakfast and took a bath, then he’s pissing off to play golf. This just isn’t important to him, even though he initiated it. Which means I’m not important to him. He doesn’t care about stringing me along and wasting my time and money.

Can you put it into a trust fund, perhaps managed by other family members?

OP, definitely get your advice on moving the money into a trust. It needs to be properly protected for DS, and could also help your situation.

If you want to keep it safe and growing for your son's adulthood, a child saving account is probably not the best place for it. If it's large enough to be able to make a difference to his life, then a trust is probably a better bet all round.

It seems to me that you have a lot of excuses to hand. OK it was your husbands idea but you have done all the work. He won't do his part...as others have suggested hire someone else or use AI to do the initial designs and move on with the business yourself. Make sure the business is in your name only and you get all the proceeds. You might well be proud of your husbands work and want to do this business with him but he obviously doesn't want to do it with you.
You seem a very capable person, so just do it without him and then when you are ready and financially able, you can leave.

I did take advice but as I’m sure you know, you can only pay in a maximum of £9000 every year to an isa or trust fund. So I’ll continue to have DS’s money “in my name” for a few more years.

That means I’m not going to be able to leave DH for years - unless I can earn enough to support myself and DS without touching that money, which is tricky when I can’t work 9-5 because of his needs.

This isn’t the main problem I posted about but it contributes because basically it means I can’t leave and DH knows it.

This!!!

Given that you are now alluding to the fact you want to leave your marriage but are financially trapped, I’d say the very LAST thing you should be doing is setting up a business which relies on your DH’s skills!

Time to find yourself another business idea or preferably, a job

Tell him you're sacking it off and going back to work and he's stepping up.

He likes you where you are OP.

Have you tried using ChatGPT illustrations? If you create good enough prompts you can create truly brilliant illustrations with it

I didn’t want to leave until he was a selfish twat!

In the past I agreed that DH would keep working and I would do a limited amount of freelance work around DS’s needs. I agreed that I would be the one who tried to get DS settled at nursery and picked him up if he had a meltdown in the middle of the day, while DH had a stable job to support us. I sacrificed.

Now DS is older and more settled, and I don’t agree any more. I’m sick of sacrificing. I want a proper job and a pension. Which means either I get a 9-5 and DH has to step up in terms of childcare, or I need to be self employed so I can have flexibility. And I was happy with the latter, but DH ruined it.

I could have put my effort into starting any business. But I chose to put my effort into starting the business that DH wanted. And the ungrateful twat has fucked me over.

Do you really want to run a business? If so, make plans to do it without your husband and take on staff to do what he was supposed to be doing. If not, start looking for jobs. Don't waste time waiting for him to join in your plan when he clearly has no interest in doing so.

I could have put my effort into starting any business. But I chose to put my effort into starting the business that DH wanted. And the ungrateful twat has fucked me over

It sucks but this is the reality you’re facing . I’d be very clear with him and let him know you’re abandoning the business idea unless he steps up and plays his part - give him a time- specific deadline with what exactly he needs to do . And let him know that you’ll be pursuing full time employment if he doesn’t meet said deadline.

He’s only dragging his feet because so far his plan to get you to stay at home while he strings you along seems to be working.

It’s dodgy isn’t it? Firstly ChatGPT only does words, so I would need to pay for something like Midjourney or Dall-E which does images. There can be unintentional copyright infringement. It’s difficult to produce multiple designs in the same style. It’s difficult to produce the same design in different colours and sizes and resolutions. And can you even copyright designs produced by an AI?

For long term business purposes you really need a human artist. Ideally the same artist who can continue churning out the same style that your business is known for. And like I said, I wouldn’t even have picked this specific business sector except it’s what DH wanted to do. I’d probably have preferred to sell handbags or something if it was up to me!

I’d probably have preferred to sell handbags or something if it was up to me!

Good news is, it is up to you now.

sorry but why would it be it the government’s responsibility to give you benefits when you have access to what seems like a significant amount of money? Regardless of why family gave that money, they can’t legally stipulate how it may be used. It makes no sense for your son to struggle in a family dependent on benefits and then suddenly get a £16k+ cash injection when he turns 18 vs those funds being used proportionately to support his childhood survival needs. Presumably as well you could pay into the account to top it back up once you’re on your feet again.

Yes, truthfully it suits me to be self employed for two reasons. 1, I can be flexible around DS’s needs. 2, I can have a proper job with flexible hours, whereas when I’m looking for advertised jobs the choices are a full time good job or a part time shitty job.

It’s a big chunk of cash to hire someone to do what DH was supposed to be doing. That was the point in starting a business together with our complementary skills. Maybe I’ll put it on his credit card.

How much parenting does he do @Ratfinnk

Startups have big first costs and often make mistakes. As PP said upthread “now it is up to you”—you can change course and use your newfound skills to run the business you want. It sounds like the tech costs (new computer) were hefty. If it is if no value to you and he us not using it then sell or rent it out to recoup its cost snd put the money into something that works for you.

I find it difficult to believe that this home mug sale business would ever have replaced his corporate job, frankly, so i doubt its a real loss that he won’t buckle down to it. Very few people can really make this stuff pay without an elaborate snd successful sideline as an influencer with lots of followers to buy the merch.

Neither you nor dh seem like you gave those chops so you are not going to do more than earn pin money selling his mugs.

My father is a sometime artist and he has his designs transferred to scarves/bags/demitasse.Its easy to do, if expensive, but he does it for fun not profit. And he has fans who buy his stuff! Just not enough to recoup costs.

Knock some stuff up on AI (paid chatgpt subscription has access to images and a library of gpt apps), show him and tell him you’re going to use that instead. If he’s got any pride in his work he might pull his finger out!

Honestly though, I work for myself and it’s pretty tricky to have selfish hobbies like golf that take up at least half a day every weekend when every hour you spend not working literally costs you money. He’s not cut out for the level of work, sacrifice and self motivation required to do this.

Not much solace op but at least you have had a heads up that your dh can't be trusted to run a business, so he will have to stay in employment.

Regarding his current job, perhaps you need to do some research on intellectual property rights, because anything he creates whilst he is their employee could be viewed by them as belonging to their business, and they could take legal action against him, especially if his new business is in direct competition with theirs.

He could be on a very sticky wicket here.

In the morning DH only gets himself ready. I get DS ready and take him to school. It seems fair because I’m not going to work. I pick DS up, bath him, read to him, cook dinner. DH comes in at 7pm. We take turns putting DS to bed.

I do the laundry and grocery shopping, again it seems fair because I’m not going to work. We split the cleaning.

I’m always complaining that DH doesn’t get up on a weekend. I’m up with DS while DH lies in bed. Apparently he is tired from work but I’m not working so I should get up.

He has never got up once during the night with DS, not even when he was a baby. Of course he’ll say that was because I was breastfeeding and DS wouldn’t settle for him, but it doesn’t change the facts.

He does take DS out during the day at weekends, to his nana’s or the park etc.

Honestly I think even if I was also working he’d find some other excuse why he couldn’t get DS ready in the morning or get up at weekends. His job would be more stressful than mine or something.

He’s a jerk but you know that. Go back to paid work outside the house and tell him to do or pay for his share of childcare and cleaning. You have drifted into a very unequal division of labour and you need to correct it. People in hell will want icewater—snd probably want to spend the weekend golfing. They still won’t get it.

He’s coming it claiming he’s tired from DRAWING !! I mean even drawing really fast is still just drawing

I realise it’s tricky but we figured we had no choice. He can’t just quit and be self employed because we couldn’t pay the bills. He can’t get another job because there aren’t many jobs that would want his skills, certainly not where we live. He already works for the only big employer in his field within 100 miles.

He either has to stay in his job forever (he’s reasonably paid but they aren’t very nice and he sometimes comes home crying). Or we set up something on the side even if it’s technically not allowed and his employer would be cross if they caught him. I mean really, what are they going to do - other colleagues have set up businesses on the side before and the employer has done nothing.

It upsets me when he comes home crying and saying he’s trapped because he has to support our family. I was more than willing to help him set up a way to escape. Frankly I’m shocked at how he’s turned around and done fuck all.