DH stringing me along

[Ratfinnk]

I’ve been off work for a while due to kids. DH has encouraged me not to go back to work, to start a business instead. He wants to start a business himself but his job pays the mortgage. So he said we’ll start it on the side and when it makes enough to pay the mortgage he’ll be able to leave his job.

I’m fine with this plan. It would give me the flexibility to look after DC and still earn money. The business would involve DH doing a limited amount of the specialist work he does in his day job, then I would be in charge of the much bigger job of selling it and handling customers. He’s invested around £4000 of our money into buying a computer, software and other digital gear. We are paying a monthly subscription for web hosting and other software.

Except he’s not actually getting on with it. Every evening he comes home, has his dinner and just looks at his phone or watches tv. Every weekend he lies in till about 10am and has a leisurely breakfast till 11. Then he goes to play golf for 4 hours on a Sunday afternoon.

I’ve put in a huge amount of effort. I’ve spent £1000 on training courses for marketing and finance skills for entrepreneurs. I’ve taught myself to build a website. Produced marketing materials. I’m getting up at 7am at the weekend to get on with work while DC are asleep, but he’s just lying in bed doing nothing. Then when he does get up he wants to piss around making a cooked breakfast and several coffees and reading the news.

I can’t do this without him because I don’t have his specialist skills to create the products we had planned to sell. I was so enthusiastic and motivated, I’ve put in so much work, and his lack of motivation and effort is so upsetting after all the effort I’ve put in. I’m taking it very personally because he’s really let me down. Not to mention that he’s spent thousands of pounds but he’s doing absolutely nothing.

I can’t explain how angry and upset I am. I’ve joined a business incubation group which has government funding to help you start a business. I’ve signed on the dotted line to receive financial support. And every month I’m going along and saying I’ve made no progress because “my business partner” (DH) hasn’t done his task of producing the stuff I would be selling.

Today I’m sitting here crying because yet again he’s lay in bed then cooked his breakfast and took a bath, then he’s pissing off to play golf. This just isn’t important to him, even though he initiated it. Which means I’m not important to him. He doesn’t care about stringing me along and wasting my time and money.

Is he allowed to do work for your business while employed at the other business?

Time to start doing something with your anger.

He's proven himself unreliable, so you need to take his contribution out of the equation. You can't make him live up to his promises, so either look to get another illustrator as business partner, or wind up the business and go back to work.

It might be if you make serious moves towards acting independently of him, it may focus his mind to start doing the work. (But even if it does, I would not trust that to continue).

He's relying on you to just be churning in anger or crying in the bathroom impotently.

We were supposed to be doing this together. In fact I wanted to do it together. I’m actually proud of his talent and I was proud to support him in getting his work out there.

His employer makes him invisible. I know this is standard but they sell the work of about 6 illustrators under their own brand with no credit for the actual artists. And they get no choice about what to draw, they just get told to rip off a pattern that IKEA is doing on their duvet covers, or do a red flower with green leaves which looks a bit like Emma Bridgewater.

He wanted to do his own thing, and get to a point financially where he could quit and go public about doing his own thing. I can market anything, I can do admin for anything, but I committed to supporting him. And he has dropped me in the shit.

No. But there’s literally no way for them to find out or prove it.

They don't need to prove it to decide to manage him out.

This. Get applying for jobs instead. I don't think he necessarily is sabotaging you, more that he's done his job during the week and doesn't want to do more of the same on the weekend. However, he needs to be doing his share of childcare on a weekend.

I agree with this

@Ratfinnk your last update about him not legally allowed to work in the business doesn’t sounds good.

I think you need to accept he wasn’t serious about this, and it was all about getting you to stay at home. I suggest you press pause on this for now and start applying for jobs and attending job interviews.

This sort of lackadaisical attitude is why so many businesses fail. Lots of people think it sounds a great idea but don’t have the gumption and drive To put the work in (your DH not you op).

Id start thinking about either cutting your losses or on bringing some specialist help in to do your DH’s part.

If you can’t make this particular business work without him, you are onto a loser op. Because you are married to one. Sorry. Soooo, start looking at other options job-wise and business-wise, and maybe reconsider your marriage while you are at it…

Until he accuses you of stealing his work. Really, don't.

Hiring an illustrator instead is a brilliant idea. You can go ahead and if it all works (and if your husband turns out to be less appalling than he seems) then he can give up his job and work for you instead.

If he doesn’t want to do more of the same on a weekend then he shouldn’t have proposed to start a business, and spent £5000, and got me to sign for a funded business support package.

maybe reconsider your marriage while you are at it…
I’m trapped by DS’s disability and DH knows it. I can’t even leave and claim benefits, because DS’s gran left a lump sum to support his additional needs in adult life. Legally the government classes money in a child savings account as belonging to the parent, so DS’s lump sum makes me ineligible for benefits. I’d have to spend the lot before I could claim benefits, and I can’t do that to DS just because I want to leave his father.

You're in a good position. Think positively.

He is paying all your bills by working full time. He's happy for you to be self employed and isn't badgering you to get a job. Setting up a self-employed and flexible business will fit well with your caring responsibilities.

He has shown himself to be unreliable, so use this information and do it without him for now.

You clearly have an aptitude for business. Recruit a good freelance illustrator, or experiment with AI to get started. This may or may not motivate him to want become more involved - and as it's your business you can decide if you want him - you might not need him by then.

You can't give him credit for his work or share the business with him as it will affect his employment, so the business will be all yours - good if he becomes unbearable and you need to separate.

Do it without him and feel proud of yourself 💪

No wonder your husband is complacent.

You have to think long-term whether that pot of money is more important to keep aside than being able to make your own money and make the best of your skills to provide a good life for your son.

If I were you, I'd accept that your DH has reneged on his promises to support the business and buy in the services/illustrations you need.

You may find that you become so successful that you are able to leave him down the line.

Honestly he's just not cut out for this. I know a couple of people who've started their own business and they throw themselves into it, working all hours, like you've been doing in fact. He's just not got the right personality for it - he may not have realised this until he actually gave it a try. You need to cut your losses and find an alternative solution.

At the end of the day some people are better suited to being an employee. I include myself in that group!

So, at the moment, YOU have started a business? Is his specialist skill one you could subcontract to another party to move forward without him - someone you know through his work, for example? If the business grows, you consider employ them/a few more people on a contract basis or even full time?

This OP. Or, if you don't want to/can't do this for whatever reason, look into transferring your own skills into being a virtual PA/Assistant or something in line with your marketing skills. Compile/Update your LinkedIn profile and do something where you're not so dependent of him. 🌹

Perhaps he’s knackered from working full time?

OP, he shouldn't have suggested it if he is not going to do it, but here you are and now you need to make a plan.

Give him a specific deadline and a written down plan, and if he has done nothing by then, then cut your losses and stop and find something else to do. With your skills, you could work from home as a VA.

or, take some of the ideas on here, such as hire, or AI and do it yourself.

If you do that then make sure the business is watertight in your name so that he has no claim on it. Anything paid for by him, is a loan. Draw up a loan agreement. He can't benefit from it if he has nothing to do with it

Can you move his money to a child trust fund, junior isa or similar account that you can’t access so that it doesn’t effect your benefits?

It’s not about it being important to keep the money aside. It’s not mine.

DS’s wider family agreed it was right to give the full sum to DS instead of splitting it, because DS has greater need due to his disability, and they trusted me to keep it in a child account until he’s 18. It would be totally shit of me to spend it just because I want to leave my marriage.

@Ratfinnk take legal advice on how to restructure that money, either in a junior ISA every year or in a trust so that it's not stopping you claiming benefits for your household.

I agree not to use that money, but at the moment it's stopping you claiming some benefits- take legal advice as this is a common problem with grandparents donating money and the fact that they gave it and it's not your money gives you more options, there's lots on forums about this but I would get legal advice if you can if it's a sizeable amount.

Your DH has clearly changed his mind about doing the business (if he ever intended to in the first place) so you will need to assume he is not available and make alternative arrangements.