Anyone else quietly disappointed in their adult child's choice of partner?

[ohthejoys21]

To state the obvious as ds is in his early 20's, I'm well aware it's not my business and his life.

But he's made his long term choice (intends to commit to her as soon as able) and despite not being depressed and having a full life, I feel like I'm carrying around this sadness.

No one in my family likes her. Even dd who loves everyone, She's rude and cold to us. Of course by now I'm sure she can sense we don't like her but we all made such an effort for so long. Never says hello/bye when she's here. My mother's brother died, she came round after the funeral and didn't even say hello to my mother. Generally brings out the worst in ds.

We can't say anything to him can we or we'll lose him. Not sure what I'm looking for here.. when I say I've tried, I really have. It's just awful and I'm so sad.

No, I am saying that (completely separately from the OP's situation) people who do have SM genuinely cannot speak at times, it's not a choice, and they should not be considered rude for displaying symptoms of their disabling condition any more than a wheelchair bound person should be considered rude for not walking, or a person with a severe learning disability should be considered boorish for not following etiquette.

I fundamentally disagree with you that it's ok for people to decide someone with a communication based disability is being "consistently rude and boorish". If it were as simple as "teaching them some manners" no one would have these conditions. I like to think that having insight and the ability to understand difference is one of the things that sets us apart from chimps and dogs. Of course a dog would be completely accepting of a disabled owner.

Your attitude is repugnant, tbh.

I suspected 23:23 wasn't a final comment

I am the person with the big disability impacting my life

Luckily my husband isn't like you, nor are his parents

In fact the only person who was bigoted about my disability was my abusive mother who I no longer speak to

I was essentially the woman in this scenario many years ago. I was socially very anxious as a young woman and had also experienced a lot of trauma so took a while to trust people. .I look back now and feel it says more about them than me that I was judged so harshly when I was not much more than a child and was still learning.

I almost certainly came across as rude but i was very anxious, particularly in high stakes scenarios like with boyfriends parents. I would have struggled at things like funerals and probably not said anything at all.

With many people, I warm up over time, but I sensed my in laws didn’t like me from early on which perpetuated the anxiety and has meant Ive never really connected with them, even years later after marriage and children. On the whole, I’m more sociable now, I understand the right things to say now, I could fit in their family better, but the damage is done from early on.

She’s very young and I’d say give her more of a chance. It’s very common to be socially anxious in these situations and much less likely to be her being just a bad egg, but she will sense your disapproval and it will make it harder for her to relax in your company

I only met boyfriends parents in my 20s fleetingly and definitely didn’t socialise with them. I probably was rude to them but at that age they weren’t relationships I cared about. I get on great with my ILs now me and DH have a family and have settled down and are older. She’s young and sounds immature and it seems like you expect a lot of her.

My DP has debilitating migraines for 1 - 2 weeks every month. It's annoying, it makes life hard to plan and means I have to pick up more of the slack. Do I wish DP didn't get migraines, or course I do. Do I wish I hadn't gotten together with DP, not a chance. She brings so much to my life, and makes me a happier better person than I would be without her.

Had my mother dared to suggest that I'd be better off without her, I'd be contemplating cutting my Mum out of my life, not DP.

Would your feelings be the same @ohthejoys21 if your sons girlfriend was physically disabled? Or is it just mental health you look down on?

Your son is happy, he's satisfied with his choice of partner, why would that upset you?

My sister in law was extremely reserved for years. Eventually she realised that we were always going to be as kind as we could and never intrude. When she had a baby and we were as interested in her health and wellbeing as the baby, she completely relaxed and was entirely happy. But it took years of just accepting her as she came, not pushing but being kind where we could.

I have to take issue with this. I wouldn’t be unhappy if my child were with someone with a disability—in fact my daughter is with someone with an auditory processing disorder and premature deafness—which meaNs one of our cherished family traditions in which I read novels out loud to my adult children and my dh—has to be foregone when DDs partner is with is. But so what? Partner is a good person! And they are dd’s choice!

Primates have similar behavioural expectations and so do dogs. Young dogs are expected to show older dogs some respect: my old dog would throw a badly-behaved puppy on its back to teach it some manners. This is evolutionary stuff and very important.

Uh… we have EVOLVED past behaving instinctually and sniffing each others butts to communicate. In addition, of course, while older animals may be able to enforce some dominance over younger ones if you knew anything at all about animal behaviour you would know that the top dog can lose his position to a younger challenger snd that young males frequently leave to start their own family. So even following your evo-psych storyline doesn’t end up legtimizing your idea that the future DIL owes some kind of submission to her husband’s mother.

It makes me really sad people feel this way.

I had social anxiety as a twenty something and selective mutism as a child. I am much better now but probably a bit socially awkward still.

I am a fantastic person for my DH. I love deep conversations with people I know well. 15 years in we are always desperate to talk to each other and never run out of things to say. I’m intelligent, successful, a good mum. We share hobbies, travel, have build a lovely happy home for our family. Even though other people couldn’t see it when we were young, he made the right choice for him.

It’s sad that people think it’s disappointing for their child to end up with someone introverted/neurodiverse/shy because they struggle with small talk or feeling confident around people they don’t know, when this is such a small part of a relationship.

I sensed very early that my MIL to be was disappointed in me. I know the reason and it is unfair and inappropriate on her part, but I won't explain further. There is also some neurodiversity in my DH's family that made some interactions with different members difficult. Then there was that one SIL to be was bullying me in the background. MIL wrote that all off. I was only 17 and having to deal with all that! Even my DH has never felt much part of his own family, yet I was supposed to? Yet MIL would say I was the problem and disappointed in her son's pick.

I think MIL should be very happy with her son's pick myself. I have stood loyally by her son for 30 years, even through all the struggles apparently rooted in his childhood. I have been a good wife.

She has been a huge disappointment as a MIL, who I would have loved to have made a friend of. It goes both ways and the best chance is accepting each others quirks and realising this is a long haul relationship and can be built over time. It doesn't have to all happen early or at once.

Op you sound exhausting and not very open minded. Not being bubbly (which is often faked enthusiasm anyway) is not the same as being rude. She talks to you when you speak to her directly. Are you sure she is even able to get a word in edgeways when you lot are so busy throwing about social niceties at each other as if she hey had some deeper meaning. It’s all very melodramatic.

Personally I find people who get in a huff if you don’t engage them in conversations every five seconds rude.

I agree most mums just want their adult children to be happy. But some also want more than that. They want to be happy themselves (obviously) and derive happiness from a lot of time and attention from their adult children. Some want to continue the parent-child relationship they had when their child was young, as if they still own their DS or DD and can end up acting controlling and overbearing which is likely to irk the DS or DD’s partner. So it’s not always very honest or self-aware when mums say “I JUST want DS / DD to be happy” if they really want more than that, like holidays together and a high degree of control or influence over their adult child’s life and choices.

Why is it on her to mend the relationship or not allow it to happen? I spent a decade doing all the facilitating of my DH's relationship with his family. I remained the scapegoat (my DH is the family scapegoat, so I suppose it shouldn't be a surprise it extended to his wife). I organised presents, all visits both ways, organised to attend his family funerals, sent photos, all of it. It was never good enough, I was never good enough. In the end I decided, stuff it. He can do the work for his own family. Their relationship broke down because of both of them. I'd held it together for them for long enough. It wasn't my job and it's not my job to fix it. They are grown ups, they can fix it themselves. I'm sure my efforts will all be 'wrong' and criticised anyway.

I think you need to catch yourself on getting upset with this young woman and resenting her because you have a sense of entitlement over her hypothetical unborn children. It's very creepy. Stop expecting other people to act according to the script you are reading in your head and treat her like a human being who is important to someone you love very much, and whom you are curious about. You sound like a nightmare mother in law.

I think my mum never liked my ExH. Now we are almost divorced, I think she was right not to like him. But she never said anything against him. I think it's hard for parents to stay out of their children's business but still want to be there when things go very wrong. It's a tightrope.

Why/how? Genuinely curious. Could they not spend 1 on 1 time without you? I'm an introvert but I wouldn't want to estrange my DH and his mother.

Literally killed? Too harsh a punishment even if she was a bit of a brat surely

My FIL has selective mutism. Lucky for my DH I didn't judge him weird or decide not to be with him because of his father's odd behaviour (as I perceived it at the time, having never heard of selective mutism back then). Also lucky for DH I didn't consider the genetics his family put me at risk of having to deal with in my children (and I have).

Later in life, DH has developed a very limiting condition. You just don't know what can come up later. By your reasoning this is a less than desirable life for me, in spite of all his great qualities, so maybe I should rethink my marriage?

Is it okay if your son was the one being rejected due to health issues he can't help? If not, then it's not right to reject your future DIL due to issues she can't help if she makes him happy. Think about what your son sees in her and how she makes him happy.

Your choices are:
• don’t accept it and severely impact your relationship with your son.
• accept your ds loves his girlfriend, you have no control over that despite your judgement. He’s a grown man and can make his own decisions, despite your incredibly ableist views and lack of compassion or empathy. Your enmeshment shows.

You wouldn't be estranging DH and his mother. That would be something they do themselves. Someone can't estrange two other people unless they are both willing. My DH limits contact with his mother because it's just easier not trying to live up to her exhausting expectations.

I get you on 1 level – all of us want our offspring to have partners as "normal" as possible – but on another level I don't get why you're so judgmental. Realistically (not trying to be horrible) people might judge you as having social/personality/life issues due to being a childless older woman which is unusual. Everyone struggles in different ways in life.

However I agree with you that ultimately they should make the other person happy too

I don't know if you're arguing a language technicality or something else. You know what I mean. I'm sure narcissistic / controlling / toxic people exist who seek to build a rift between their partner and the partner's parent(s).

Yes, those kind of people exist, but estrangement isn't possible unless it's consented to. I know it's not as simple as that and there is coercive control and so on to factor in but, without that, a child in law deciding they aren't going to relate to their ILs doesn't mean that their spouse can't have a relationship with their parents. In that case, it's chosen.

My friend's son married a cold woman- Friend and her husband and the rest of the family weren't even invited to the wedding.......which was deeply shocking and upsetting for the family.

The son had been very close to his family before meeting this woman.

I can't understand how someone from such a supportive and loving family married such a ''poisson froid.''