Anyone else quietly disappointed in their adult child's choice of partner?

[ohthejoys21]

To state the obvious as ds is in his early 20's, I'm well aware it's not my business and his life.

But he's made his long term choice (intends to commit to her as soon as able) and despite not being depressed and having a full life, I feel like I'm carrying around this sadness.

No one in my family likes her. Even dd who loves everyone, She's rude and cold to us. Of course by now I'm sure she can sense we don't like her but we all made such an effort for so long. Never says hello/bye when she's here. My mother's brother died, she came round after the funeral and didn't even say hello to my mother. Generally brings out the worst in ds.

We can't say anything to him can we or we'll lose him. Not sure what I'm looking for here.. when I say I've tried, I really have. It's just awful and I'm so sad.

@ohthejoys21 It sounds alarmingly like my friend's son.... An almost mute, rude cold woman whom the family of the son have done their utmost to welcome into the fold.

She just doesn't want to know.
Her other son is married to a lovely warm woman.
Cold people are very hard to deal with, especially when they seek to cut off a son /daughter from their families.

You did/do sound quite twisted tbf. I think you're conflating yours and OP's situation as it really doesn't sound like she's going to verbally abuse and destroy her DIL in front of many people. It takes a special kind of crazy/nasty to do that.

That said I think OP is also problematic. She sounds kind but close-minded (a little fixated on her DS living a shiny glossy life, re: being unhappy if DIL has any disability... Though I appreciate this may be coloured by her current unpleasant experience with seemingly rude DIL, but probably also lacks experience with diversity and knowing how full and lovely life can get when we're genuinely accepting.)

I'd withhold judgement until I heard the other side of the story.

My MIL would tell you how close my DH was with her family until he met me. He felt so 'close' he quietly did a DNA test because he wasn't sure he was really one of them!

Lots of insightful posts already, standing up for GF. I've made liberal use of the Thanks button, a lovely low-key mode of interaction :)

Here's the thing, OP. Most posts have focused on you and GF. But this is really about your son, about you and your son. He could have gone out and got involved with absolutely anyone at all. HE chose GF. HE didn't want someone like you, or any of your female family members. HE wants GF, someone like GF.

My guess is you don't know DS that well at all. You haven't really registered that he's now a fully-grown separate adult man with his own style, tastes, needs, desires. Pay attention. Get to know this person who only happens to be your son. Maybe it's him you don't actually like very much?

We don't get to choose the families we are born into, and many of us muddle along making the best of a somewhat alien situation until we can leave and choose to be around people more suited to us. DS chooses his girlfriend. Treat him, and everyone he brings into your life, with interest and respect; instead of assuming that your way is the only way, and anyone different is defective. Be honest and genuine; if you can't be, work on yourself.

You said you son doesn’t have much self confidence, and I expect this is the heart of the problem. What did you to improve his confidence when he was younger

I don't think producing a confident child necessarily means you will like their choice of partner.

DD married someone that we weren’t keen on, we never said a word to anyone except eachother. He was very much a mummy’s boy and very needy which was fine till the kids came along, because she is very nurturing but he couldn’t cope with having to share the attention and became sulky and disengaged.

Their dynamic became quite unhealthy and eventually he left her. The sad thing is that she blamed herself and thought there was something wrong with her which there obviously isn’t. So since they split I have told her a bit of what I think of him. I probably shouldn’t have but she was devastated, she has grown so much and I’m so incredibly proud of her. She’s so much better off without him, we always felt she deserved better but they did love eachother and ultimately it’s got sod all to do with us.

I was this girl in my twenties well in that situation. For me I found my now ex boyfriends whole family set up weird as hell because it was completely different to mine. I was very quiet which then was interpreted as me being rude etc. it escalated and I never went there again - can’t remember how it escalated weirdly enough but it was many moons ago. We ended up splitting up after a while because I knew I would have a lifetime of that family and that’s not what I wanted.

No, but it makes it more likely they’ll end up with someone confident and outgoing

Maybe that's not what they want? The outgoing bit anyway. They may like someone quieter?

One thing my DH loved about me is that I'm affectionate. When I first spontaneous hugged him, it was a shock to him. His family never shows affection that way. But he liked it and wanted different to his family of origin in that way. Maybe OP's son also wants different? Maybe his mother and family are outgoing and he is enjoying the peace with his GF or sometimes finds their more demonstrative nature embarrassing? Two sides.

This situation is so very hurtful for you.
But take heart OP. She does keep coming round to your home so she isn’t alienating herself from you.
Instead of expecting her to have all the social niceties and being disappointed when she has none, try accepting that she has none and have no expectations of any at all.
It could be worse in that it seems she isn’t actively rude to you…. she isn’t saying unkind things or refusing to see you. It’s simply her lack of social niceties.

I understand fully how you feel you can never let this come between you and your son and so you can never do anything to make him choose between you.
It’s hard work and far from ideal.

My advice would be to completely accept her inability to use social niceties…accept her for who she is, rudeness and all. Release the pressure on her by no longer having expectations and trying so hard to jolly her along. Stay quiet yourself like her, greet her very quietly, don’t feel you have to fill the gaps and make up for her rudeness. Instead, find something to gently and quietly love her for (her love of animals maybe) and I think she may then relax enough to forget her awkwardness and start to want to feel less invisible and more part of your family.
You have probably already done that. So all anybody can say is to keep going and hopefully in time, it will come right for you all.

This can only be fixed through love and you have to discreetly find a different way to love her. There will be something you can love her for.
Good luck.

I have had similar situation. But if my son is happy in his relationship that is all I can ask. It is his relationship not mine. His life has been harder than mine so anything that makes him happy pleases me (within reason).

That’s a beautiful post

I have no problem with quietness, it's the coldness but I will try my best next time she's here to find some way to love her. I do think for her to be receptive, I will have to have a word with my son and tell him I want to have a better relationship with her.

@ohthejoys21 you say she barely spoke to your dm at a wake. At her age I would have been just the same. I totally lacked confidence and was raised in a family that had little physical closeness.

I remember walking past a line up at a wedding rather than speak to the brides in laws because they were so full on.

Your future ddil may not be rude, more likely she is extremely anxious. Don’t judge her, accept her. If you raised your ds well then you should trust his decision making, especially over the choice of life partner.

i wouldn’t say anything further to your son. It just sounds like your DIL doesn’t like you. If she’s ok with your husband, you just need to accept that not everyone is going to like you. That’s perfectly normal. No amount of talking about it or pressure is going to change that. As long as you’re all civil that’s fine. It’s a big leap to then suggest she’ll try and keep your grandchildren away. Try to not catastrophise.
If and when grandchildren come, I’m sure you can still have a wonderful relationship with them. I’m sure DIL will welcome a break from them. You don’t all have to do everything together.
What you must do is stop fixating on all her perceived flaws and slights. Yes, your feelings were hurt by her lack of condolences but it sounds like she is not as socially adept as your family. She probably just did not think of it in that moment. She may not have had those manners modelled to her as a young person. Reading between the lines, there seems to be a difference in background and you are coming across a tiny bit snobby about her.
Try not to worry and push a relationship with her. I hardly see my PIL (they’re just not my cup of tea) but my children have a great relationship with them. (No way would I want to bake with my MIL)

I'm not going to join in with the attempts to diagnose this young woman but what I would say is are you catastrophising a little with your talk of not seeing future grandchildren? However she behaved in these scenarios, it sounds like she has always come to dinner, holidays, family gatherings. This doesn't sound like someone who is evilly plotting to isolate your son.

I had a mil who was difficult - completely different scenario to yours so I'm not suggesting you're difficult. I don't think I was her choice of dil (I don't know if anyone would have been). I never ever came between her and DH and always made sure she saw my kids loads. I can appreciate the importance of family even if I didn't really enjoy mil's company. A mil and Dil not hitting it off doesn't always result in mil cut off and alone with no contact with her son and grandchildren.

I split with his abusive dad when he was very young. His dad has never shown any interest in his life at all which doesn't exactly build confidence. Luckily I gave him the most incredible step dad whom he adores. Also he went to a very academic school where he wasn't happy socially. I got him some therapy at the time which didn't help, and moved him at 6th form where he was happy.

Don’t speak to your son about it. Any comment will seem like criticism and you’re risking making a rift completely unnecessarily.
Let go of your unrealistic expectations that you’re going to be best friends.

Yes indeed. And you can spot them on this thread with their mitigation and whatabouttery. And gleeful when they describe how they successfully prised their H away from his family.

I’m curious about the hello/bye thing. Do you mean that she doesn’t initiate, or doesn’t reciprocate? Yet otherwise answers when spoken to.

This.
I'd hate to think that I had caused a rift between my DH and his family. That's not something I'd be happy about. No matter what i thought of my in laws.
Family is about compromise.

Get to know this person who only happens to be your son. Maybe it's him you don't actually like very much?

We don't get to choose the families we are born into, and many of us muddle along making the best of a somewhat alien situation until we can leave and choose to be around people more suited to us.

What a nasty, patronising post cunningly disguised as being nice and kind and virtue signalling.

If you've been on MN more than a week you'll know the massive number of people who make terrible decisions about relationships. The idea that a young guy knows what he really needs and his mother knows nothing — doesn't even know him — is seriously insulting.

Thank you.. I just read so much on here where girls cut off their in-laws from their grandchildren. I can't help but notice the difference in the situation with his last girlfriend where we knew her parents and would go out for dinner as one big happy family.

Ds gets comfortable and doesn't like change. I just hope he's happy and hope he has the confidence to get out if he changes his mind.

You only read about the worst scenarios on here though - people tend to post for advice or when they are struggling.

There's a lot of middle ground in-between being best buds and going no or low contact.

Just take a deep breath and take it one visit at a time with her.