Anyone else quietly disappointed in their adult child's choice of partner?

[ohthejoys21]

To state the obvious as ds is in his early 20's, I'm well aware it's not my business and his life.

But he's made his long term choice (intends to commit to her as soon as able) and despite not being depressed and having a full life, I feel like I'm carrying around this sadness.

No one in my family likes her. Even dd who loves everyone, She's rude and cold to us. Of course by now I'm sure she can sense we don't like her but we all made such an effort for so long. Never says hello/bye when she's here. My mother's brother died, she came round after the funeral and didn't even say hello to my mother. Generally brings out the worst in ds.

We can't say anything to him can we or we'll lose him. Not sure what I'm looking for here.. when I say I've tried, I really have. It's just awful and I'm so sad.

If I found out she was selectivity mute of course I would feel differently as there would be no malice. But would I be happy for my ds? No I wouldn't.

I have ASD and I’m 50 now and really quite chatty and empathetic. But I was a child until the age of about 40 and in my twenties I would not have had a clue what to say to your DM. My exH would make me say goodbye to his DM and DS so I would pop my head round the living room door and say bye but I was quite embarrassed. I’d speak if I was spoken to but there’s no way I’d have said anything if I was in a group of people….in fact, I’d still find that difficult.

It’s a shame you feel you wouldn’t want a DIL with a disability because I’m really nice actually. I adored my MIL and still miss her.

This is how I feel. Of course I have sympathy for anyone with social anxiety. But I'd love my ds to be with someone who can handle normal social situations and teach their kids to handle normal social situations. I want him to be with someone who can hold their own.

Yes, OP: I understand. You don't necessarily want to be friends with DS's partner, but for his sake you would hope for someone with an ability to cope in social situations. Your comment about grandchildren hadn't occurred to me. Yes, I would be worried not only about not being enabled to get to know grandchildren but seeing them perhaps struggling to thrive socially. Difficult situation.

I think what I was trying to explain in my previous post is that (IF it is a social anxiety issues, which I appreciate we don't know) she may be feeling awful about her poor communication but be unable to do better, and this is what is making her uncomfortable, not you. I was at a work social event which I couldn't avoid a few weeks ago, and it was painful - I was sat with some lovely people who made every effort with me to talk, and I know I was an awkward mainly silent presence who made what should have been a fun time difficult and stilted. It wasn't their lack of kindness or effort that was the problem.

You sound like you really have made an effort, in different situations, to reach out to her, and I don't know really what the answer is. I can understand what you and pp mean that it would be easier if he was with a different type of person. Personally I do find it easier if the focus is off direct conversation/interaction, so suggestions of doing a task or something together might help.

You sound awfully intolerant of anyone who isn’t just like you. Is it any wonder she isn’t comfortable with you?

Not exactly no. I was devastated when my MIL told me to my face that she hated me and would do anything she could to stop her son from marrying me. Yes, she said that, to me, in front of witnesses. There is nothing that I just "perceived", it was factually true.

You think it's sad for my inlaws that they have never met their grandchildren? Or sad for my wonderful children that they've not had a relationship with them? Because, yes, I still cry that my children have not had a grandparent relationship with them. But that was not down to me, it was down to my stubborn, inlaws, who refused to make amends. Who continued to berate their son for his choice of wife.

But turns out our children haven't missed out on a wonderful grandparent relationship, as actually they ended up being as shitty grandparents as they were inlaws, as I found out from my BIL/SIL.

Although, I still get upset at what 'could have been', I feel somewhat validated that it was for the best and that I did the right thing in protecting our children from them.

In terms of our children, they have no desire to have a relationship with them, we've talked about it. They don't want anything to do with the people that hate their mum for no reason other than "she's too quiet" (MIL's words).

As for calling me twisted, you really are cut from the same cloth as my MIL. Her words BROKE me. I never fully recovered mentally after the hurt and pain that she caused us. What happened with our children was not revenge. It was protection and in the best interests of our children. You really are very narrow-minded, and wrong in your perception of me and my situation.

You come across so sanctimonious OP, with the best intentions here, try stopping trying so hard with the GF, it will come across as fake and push her away even more. Just be natural, be yourself, and stop with the vibes of dislike that are clearly oozing from your pores that she is very much picking up on!!

Selective introversion it seems. But well done on making this thread about you.

OP, I think you need to take a step back here.

You are worst-case-scenarioing here over grandchildren who you won't be close to. Your son isn't even living with this person yet, let alone having a child with her.

You can't control how your son's girlfriend behaves or what she's like. All you can control is your own reaction to her and you need to accept your own part in the dynamic that has developed.

All families are different. What feels like the 'norm' to you may not be at all for her. My in-laws are very different to my family. My in-laws pride themselves on their hospitality but I find them highly strung and therefore uncomfortable to be around, anxious in their nonstop quest to get everything right, and I find their constant small talk about eg the weather excruciatingly dull. MIL cares very deeply and does things like buying very thoughtful presents and taking us on holiday but it often feels like these efforts leave us beholden in a way that isn't comfortable. They are deeply uncomfortable talking about or even really acknowledging emotional stuff and I find being in their company stifling. My own family has a much more relaxed communication style and I find it much less hard work being around them. I've tried very hard with MIL but all of the above means I am rarely properly relaxed in their company and doubt we will ever be properly close.

I can my MIL leveraging similar complaints about me - she certainly does about my SIL - and let me tell you, someone who is 'faking it' and oozing palpable distain/disappointment does not make you want to spend hours taking the kids for a visit or having the GP to stay.

You need to find a way to live with your differences and to appreciate this woman for who she is and not who you wish she would be.

I am in the same position. And, like you, I realize it really isn't my business. I was very relieved last fall when she broke up with my son but they have recently reconciled.

I'm in exactly this position.
I just try and keep the relationship going so I don't lose ds altogether.
It's very hard.

You think you understand neurodiversity because you have one ND person in your family? You’re not the brightest spark are you?

Thank you this is well balanced advice. Maybe having tried so hard I do come across as fake. Their plan is to move in together. I think I'm at a stalemate and will have to talk to ds, get the message to her that I want to make things better for all our sakes.

Very well said!

Your posts demonstrate that you and your immediate family are scrutinising this girl's every move and swapping notes. She's not daft and knows what you're up to. You're really hanging onto that funeral thing.

You're right, you will lose your son and grandchildren if you continue to behave like this.

Accept her and her different ways and support your son's independence from what seems to be a suffocating family dynamic.

Oh op i have a sly mil who schemes behind my back and despite being an introvert myself, i have always made the effort. I'm low contact now which is a different story but there's no excuse to your situation. For the sake of your ds, be pleasant, not overbearing, never bad mouth her to your ds but make sure you have a great relationship with your ds and always speak positively about her to your ds.

It's so hard to like someone and be supportive of a relationship where that person doesn't show any interest even diplomatically. Just cover your tracks and make sure your ds never senses any negativity. I genuinely hope everything works out for you all.

So if your son found a woman who loved him and he loved her, but she happened to have a disability, you wouldn't be happy for him because of that disability?

I assume you don't actually voice these kinds of opinions around your son and his girlfriend?

Taleasoldashoney

Yes I'd be disappointed as life is hard enough without that. How many people on here would truthfully want their son or daughter to be with someone with such a huge disability which impacted so much on their lives? Would you??

Thank yo so much

Just because you don't understand and have experience with a particular disability, and that disability isn't visible, doesn't mean it isn't real. My relative with Crohn's disease isn't intending to be rude when they use the bathroom and, despite their best efforts, leave it smelling less than fresh. My relative with coeliac isn't being rude when he turns down your offer of freshly baked home made cake, even if you baked it specially. And a person with SM (even if they have never heard of SM and don't know why they sometimes cannot speak) isn't being rude if and when they find themselves unable to initiate or respond to speech.

Not a useful comparison. Someone with Crohn's or coeliac disease can explain why they need to use the loo or not eat gluten and everyone is sympathetic, because even if we don't have the disease most of us will have had the experience of being caught short. But someone who can't say hello or goodbye to a potential MIL after a number of visits (and the OP sounds more than reasonable and welcoming) will always seem rude, whatever the reason, if they can't explain it. None of us should be required to accept consistently rude and boorish behaviour on the basis that the person who is behaving rudely might, even though they don't know it, have some condition that causes them to behave boorishly. I've said upthread that I have a sister with ASD whose poor behaviour has alienated her children and ex husbands and also badly disrupted her working life. She's currently facing yet another grievance from a colleague for her unacceptable behaviour. You seem to be arguing that only the experience of the person with the disability/ condition counts. I really don't agree. Everyone is allowed to have their feelings.

You seem basically to be arguing that none of us should pay heed to poor behaviour or poor social skills on the off-chance that there is a neurological reason for it. But the human race has evolved to distinguish socially acceptable behaviour from unacceptable behaviour. Primates have similar behavioural expectations and so do dogs. Young dogs are expected to show older dogs some respect: my old dog would throw a badly-behaved puppy on its back to teach it some manners. This is evolutionary stuff and very important.

OP I think this may be just a boy thing.

Daughters typically stay really close to their mums/families. Sons not so much.

So when a son marries, he usually gets happily subsumed into his wife's family, as he's unfortunately not that bothered about keeping in touch with his own.

That doesn't mean he doesn't love you, I just don't think adult males have this imperative to stay close to their families as they get older, in the way that girls have.

Of course, it's impossible for us to know exactly why she is as she is. But I tend to introversion and in my early 20s would likely have found it difficult to deal with an older adult's strong emotions, so may also have avoided my boyfriend's grandmother at her brother's funeral. It would have been awkwardness, not a lack of empathy, and a sense of inadequacy. Over time I've changed, grown in confidence and learnt how to show empathy and face difficult situations. Now, being older, I notice that younger people often don't know how to deal with older people, and many aren't sure how to speak to them - as if we don't have emotions.

Could this girl simply be introverted and awkward, like I was? I also had a boyfriend at 19/ 20/ 21 who never said 'hello' to me. I questioned it and remember him saying it seemed pointless - he knew I knew he had arrived, so saying hello was silly.

She's still very young. She's not like you but maybe you should be less judgemental. She probably senses this, which is why she gets on better with your DH. Later around 23/ 24 I had a different boyfriend whose step mother was a bitch. When I took her a present, she made a point of saying she didn't like it. My actual mil was a lovely accepting person and it felt good to know I was marrying into her family.

You need to find a way to live with your differences and to appreciate this woman for who she is and not who you wish she would be.

This is the best sentence in this whole thread.

OP, you are only hurting yourself in this scenario. He chose her, he chooses her. I have sister in-law that I am not sure suits my bruv, but he chooses her and is happy enough. That's what counts. He knows what he gets from their relationship and wants that. My DM has made it very clear that she doesn't like her and so has been sidelined. Not our kind of people is her favourite phrase. That attitude has gotten her nowhere. Meanwhile DB and SIL are happily getting on with their lives. Stop shooting yourself in the foot.

I find this all quite fascinating.

You and your mother and daughter seem very over invested in this relationship. I think it was the comment "too much to bear".

If my uncle died I would be far more worried about my mother, than what a 20 year old visitor did or didn't do.

Remember the prefrontal cortex is not fully established until age 25 and these are still "children" (young people) we are taking about.

I am really surprised you are so invested in your children's relationships at this age. Moving in together is not necessarily permanent, nor is marriage ( as you know because you're divorced yourself - perhaps your mother wasn't that fond of your ex husband, he sounds a bit shit given he's ignored his own son ).

I do understand where you're coming from how it would be lovely to be naturally comfortable with all of your dc partners, and you obviously imagine continuation of a busy home with partners and grandchildren involved.

However our children aren't extensions of us. They may go on to be gay (potentially no grandchildren), live on the other side of the world, be single, have an accident or sudden illness and require 24 hour care (happened to one of my friends mid20s :( ),and what is of the only importance really is our relationship with them.

I think it would help you to change your expectations and just enjoy your sons company. You are lucky as his partner seems willing to regularly spend time at the house. Don't pressure her by asking too many questions, let her be quiet as that is how she sounds most comfortable.

Perhaps play a board game or all go out for a walk.

She really doesn't need to have to have a relationship with your mother, my mother would not be worried about who my children are dating, other than the obvious abuse etc.

There is hope. My DB had a partner we all tried really hard with but she was a nightmare. He was with her for about 10 years despite seeming miserable and every time we had hope they'd be breaking up, we were gutted that he stayed with her. One day it actually happened and they finished. Although she broke his heart, he then met "the one" who we all love. He now has children (the other one didn't want kids luckily) and is happy. The main thing is don't alienate him. It's very hard to bite your tongue sometimes.