Anyone else quietly disappointed in their adult child's choice of partner?

[ohthejoys21]

To state the obvious as ds is in his early 20's, I'm well aware it's not my business and his life.

But he's made his long term choice (intends to commit to her as soon as able) and despite not being depressed and having a full life, I feel like I'm carrying around this sadness.

No one in my family likes her. Even dd who loves everyone, She's rude and cold to us. Of course by now I'm sure she can sense we don't like her but we all made such an effort for so long. Never says hello/bye when she's here. My mother's brother died, she came round after the funeral and didn't even say hello to my mother. Generally brings out the worst in ds.

We can't say anything to him can we or we'll lose him. Not sure what I'm looking for here.. when I say I've tried, I really have. It's just awful and I'm so sad.

As I have merely offered an informed opinion as a possibility in a generalised and anonymous discussion, there is no possibility of such a complaint being upheld. So go ahead, pm me and I will give you my credentials.

"Most mums just want their DS to be happy.; I don’t think they see that as stealing him at all."

I'll go one step further.. when ds marries, I'll expect and want him to put his wife and new little family before me. No jealousy here just love and wanting him to have a good life.

Do you use introversion to be actively rude? To not offer condolences when visiting directly after a funeral?

Bullshit

Good enough for him is good enough for you.

Why did you allow that to happen? You’re shy, not horrible. Get him to mend that relationship! His poor mum.

flipflopsalready

I was going to say this, I'm quiet and dh mum was very loud and extroverted, she was constantly asking me what's wrong and trying to get me "out of my shell" in the end I wasn't comfortable around her and so she lost her son."

Why on earth would you want her to lose her son even if you weren't comfortable with her? Do you think losing his mum was a good thing for dh? Let's hope if you have sons you have a nicer DIL.

Just wanted to say thanks to all those who have bravely shared their personal stories here. Especially @flipflopsalready who has had an unjustified pile on by people reading between the lines that may not exist.
And to the posters who have shown that they just don't get neurodiversity, the whole point is that some thing that is easy for neurotypical is difficult or impossible for neurodiverse people. So if you find yourself saying "how hard is it to X" then you probably are neurotypical yourself.
Given that 15-20% of People are estimated to be neurodiverse in some way, we are in good company.
A lifetime of pretending to be neurotypical is exhausting.
Having said all that no one forces you to hang out with anyone you don't feel comfortable with.

The future DIL could be a horrible person—or she could be very shy and reserved—what does it profit to take one view over the other? in reality OP can either learn to like her DIL or lump her. So posts that join in the two minute hate (“what a little madam, so rude, tsk tsk, I never, the same thjng happened to my nephew” ) are going to affirm the OP’s right and wisdom at disliking DIL while those that gently suggest DIL might just be a bit shy or avoidant are going to be seen as joining i with the bad DIL.

There is a certain kind of mumsnet post where OP posts a complaint about a third party and this creates a space where posters rush in to either “rescue” the OP or rescue the third party or rescue the relationship. I think we can’t know this DIL and the sensible thing to do is to encourage OP to take the most gey, least judgmental, approach to the DIL in hopes that the relationship—however distant now—can grow warmer o ver time. That is for OP’s benefit since she is the one with the problem.

If the DIL is awful that will become evident over time as the relationship will break down irretrievably. But I think OP would be wise to operate from the more generous perspective as that at least offers some hope that the son and his gf won’t feel impelled to estrange themselves.

@flipflopsalready so because you weren’t “comfortable”, your husband had to sever ties with his mother? Why?

Not offering condolences after a funeral is not being actively rude though? It might go against cultural expectations, but we can't know why she acted the way she did?

Maybe she is being intentionally rude? Maybe she has anxiety? Maybe she's socially awkward? Maybe her family acts very differently to yours and she doesn't realise that you expect more interaction? Maybe she forgot about the funeral or its timing when she first arrived and was then too embarrassed to bring it up? Maybe she has experienced loss and finds it difficult to be in situations where others are grieving or talking about death? Maybe she finds small talk challenging and avoids situations where it might be expected?

We just don't know and I'm not sure how the OP can either.

My advice to the OP would be, for the sake of your relationship with your son, to be more laid back about the situation and try to give the GF the benefit of the doubt. Don't put pressure on yourself, your DS of his GF to have a picture perfect relationship. Keep things relaxed and just play things by ear.

Well it’s impossible for any of us here to say whether she’s just rude or had some form of neurodiversity and selective mutism (can’t help but eyeroll a little and think it’s far more likely to be the former).

So the rudeness probably comes from a few places; feeling nervous around people she doesn’t know very well, not being well socialised as a kid and hasn’t been taught how to act in social settings and being very self absorbed as most of us in our early 20’s are.

I think, in your position I’d try and get to know her more. Can you invite her out for a drink, just the two of you? You can even get DS involved and say “I’d really like to get to know Emily a little better, do you think she’d like to go out to (somewhere fun) with me?”

The person you quoted said "she was constantly asking me what's wrong and trying to get me "out of my shell" in the end I wasn't comfortable around her"

Why do you think it's OK that her MIL was constantly pressuring her to behave differently and making her uncomfortable? It doesn't sound like the poster in question stopped her DH from seeing his mother, more that he chose to stop seeing the woman who was upsetting his wife constantly.

Maybe the fact you couldn't grasp the nuance of that situation is an insight into why your own potential DIL doesn't like you...

Instead of what could be an awkward drink or lunch, could you ask her to do something with you? Like make a cake, prune a shrub, help you hang a picture? Might be nice to do something low pressure that comes with it's own narrative (being mindful of what others have said about SM not liking too many questions) might be bonding? You've mentioned that you've been on holidays before, you must have an idea of what she likes doing?

Yup walking past the person in mourning after a funeral without even saying hello when you've been hosted by that person for dinner and it's your boyfriend's grandma IS actively rude. It isn't my job to second guess why she was rude. It's fair to say that at that moment, both myself and my mum just felt so disappointed in his choice of partner.

There is an interest we have in common and I really try and expand on that with her.. i won't ever give up as I love ds and if that's his choice I can't afford to.

And to the posters who have shown that they just don't get neurodiversity, the whole point is that some thing that is easy for neurotypical is difficult or impossible for neurodiverse people.

Some of us do 'get' neurodiversity. Some of us have neuro diverse people within our families, as I do. My sister has had a diagnosis of ASD later in life. We have all — siblings and my parents — spent our lives on eggshells around her, trying to avoid apparently random meltdowns. She has alienated her children and her two ex-husbands: they're all currently NC with her.

@pikkumyy77 posted: (“what a little madam, so rude, tsk tsk, I never, the same thjng happened to my nephew” )

which I presume is aimed at me as I seem to be the only poster who has mentioned their nephew. I certainly didn't use those words and I certainly didn't mean what you seem to think I meant — although you're right, not being able to say hello and goodbye to your future parents in law is bloody rude.
Given how much he's had to cope with a a result of his mum's neurodiversity, I really, really hope my nephew is able to find a partner who can made his life easier, not more complicated.

That's a nice idea.. I am definitely going to try and think of something.

I guess my point is, even if she does not have SM, (which btw is much more common than some of you think - about 1 in 140)

• the principles of SM intervention wrt how to communicate with someone who isn't communicating well back to you, for whatever reason,
• and an understanding that some types of communication are harder than others (whoever you are)

is likely to be a useful place to work from. Worst case scenario you are very kind to someone who is being rude to you (and maybe they will re-evaluate their opinion of you as a consequence). Best case scenario you forge a really positive relationship with someone who is likely to be part of your life for a long time.

Oh Op - I totally sympathise. Yes you can carry on being the bigger person but I can imagine the frustration and resentment will build when it’s all one way, and your loving son keeps making excuses.

It would make me secretly very angry that he’d brought such a difficult and rude person to join the family and I’d not cope as well as you. To not speak basic pleasantries as an adult is indefensible. You’re not the first (or last) mother whose son had brought home some hostile partner but you wonder why they fall so madly in love with these incompatible and odd cold fish.

So kill her with kindness? I like to think i've only been kind to her (despite my ranting here). Yet she obviously feels uncomfortable with me too. I'll have to try harder!

You don't like her. You're disappointed that your DS will likely stay with her long-term. She knows you don't like her.

Your fakeness towards her probably makes her feel very uncomfortable and awkward, hence her quietness, which you are calling rude.

I have a MIL like you.

I'm introverted, quiet, shy, she's extrovert, likes to know everyone's business and is fake as fuck. She made it clear she didn't like me, so I kept my distance.

I hope your son's girlfriend keeps her distance from you, to protect herself from your judgements and disappointment in your son's choice of partner. She's not good enough for your precious son, and you've made that clear. I hope she protects her children from you, and you'll have no one to blame but yourself. But of course, you'll see yourself as the victim and blame her for your lack of close relationship with her children, all the while wishing it was his first girlfriend who bore your grandchildren because your DIL is simply not good enough for you.

Urghhh, so glad I'm NC with my MIL!

Thank you so much for this.. as it sums it up exactly. I can't be angry with him, just disappointed.

To give her the benefit of the doubt I'm incredibly shy and I'm like this. If you saw me on a night out with my close friends or with my family you wouldn't think I was but with people I don't know as well I'm very quiet, it took me years to be comfortable around my OH's family.

And can I just say as my final comment.

I don't know if OP's daughter in law has SM or is socially anxious or just rude or hates her or what.

But there are people who are unable to speak to certain people in adulthood, there are people who have SM. It's an anxiety disorder. And people who have SM are absolutely not being deliberately rude when they cannot say hello or goodbye or sorry or "I'm sorry for your loss", any more than a person who is blind would be to not admire the beautiful curtains, or a person who is deaf would be to not hear you call them and respond.

Just because you don't understand and have experience with a particular disability, and that disability isn't visible, doesn't mean it isn't real. My relative with Crohn's disease isn't intending to be rude when they use the bathroom and, despite their best efforts, leave it smelling less than fresh. My relative with coeliac isn't being rude when he turns down your offer of freshly baked home made cake, even if you baked it specially. And a person with SM (even if they have never heard of SM and don't know why they sometimes cannot speak) isn't being rude if and when they find themselves unable to initiate or respond to speech.

I don't even know where to start with your post.. you sound quite twisted. So you're happy for your kids to lose out on the love from grandparents as a form of revenge as you perceived yourself not good enough for them?
How sad for them.