Anyone else quietly disappointed in their adult child's choice of partner?

[ohthejoys21]

To state the obvious as ds is in his early 20's, I'm well aware it's not my business and his life.

But he's made his long term choice (intends to commit to her as soon as able) and despite not being depressed and having a full life, I feel like I'm carrying around this sadness.

No one in my family likes her. Even dd who loves everyone, She's rude and cold to us. Of course by now I'm sure she can sense we don't like her but we all made such an effort for so long. Never says hello/bye when she's here. My mother's brother died, she came round after the funeral and didn't even say hello to my mother. Generally brings out the worst in ds.

We can't say anything to him can we or we'll lose him. Not sure what I'm looking for here.. when I say I've tried, I really have. It's just awful and I'm so sad.

I feel your pain Op, I really do
As I think another pp said I believe this is a kind of distorted jealousy of your close relatiobship with your ds and she knows that it's mutual. I think nobody who has not yet been a mother, as in the case of your ds's partner, can understand the depth of a mother's love for her children and that it is in no way the same as the love between romantic, sexual partners! Possibly explains why she's more natural with your more distant ds's dad. Continue to be lovely to her, she will grow up a bit and understand this, no confronting as you rightly say because that will backfire. Both your son and his partner will gradually see that you are no threat to their relationship, just the opposite, and if that relationship is meant to last it probably will

So does she come from a much "poorer " background and isn't used to being around "posher" people, homes, etc

You've never met her family but you used to socialise with your sons ex girlfriends family...is she aware of this ?

Maybe she feels inadequate, due to her own securities .

I just want to say 'fake it till you make it' doesn't mean fake it till the other person changes. To love, is a verb, so you act as though you love her, as you have been doing, but don't give up. You will get to know her better, you will find something to love. For example it doesn't sound as if she is demanding of your time or attention, you could appreciate her being self reliant. She is perhaps guarded against showing her emotions for some reason. Her brusque manner/ rudeness may be the result of anxiety.

Askingforafriendtoday

"I feel your pain Op, I really do
As I think another pp said I believe this is a kind of distorted jealousy of your close relatiobship with your ds and she knows that it's mutual. I think nobody who has not yet been a mother, as in the case of your ds's partner, can understand the depth of a mother's love for her children and that it is in no way the same as the love between romantic, sexual partners! Possibly explains why she's more natural with your more distant ds's dad. Continue to be lovely to her, she will grow up a bit and understand this, no confronting as you rightly say because that will backfire. Both your son and his partner will gradually see that you are no threat to their relationship, just the opposite, and if that relationship is meant to last it probably will"

Thank you but nope- that's def not it, she isn't jealous. She arranged a day out with him for the day after his birthday so that we could take him out for dinner (her included obvs). It is my husband, ds's step dad that she is better with, not ds's dad.

Thanks.. I can honestly say, I would love to get to the stage where I would love her. I'm going to speak to ds when I get time with him and aski him the things he loves about her. Maybe I can love them too!

This is so sad. My MIl doesn’t like me much I don’t think, and can be pretty rude to me but I still see her and encourage DH to also see her on his own, take her out for lunch etc. Unless there has been actual abuse on either side I think it is tragic for parents and children to lose contact.
My friend lost contact with her son for over twenty years, (he was in a controlling relationship). They have contact again now that it has ended, so don’t give up hope.

If it's that much of a struggle to get on with her, something is definitely not right with the 'chemistry'.

No one should be that much of an effort to communicate with after four years.

My friend in your situation is extremely easygoing, her family is close and warm and lovely, she is tolerant -and yet she too has hit a brick wall with the cold, rigid partner her son has married.

Similar time frame to yours.

This is what I think too. It could just be something as simple as a personality clash and nothing more.

My son met his ex-girlfriend when he was only 16. We took her away with us and her mum contacted me re arrangements (an excuse) and our families hit it off, we were all from the same background. That's not to say I can't get on with people from different backgrounds but it was so easy.

Ds's girlfriend's mum is divorced and lives in a different part of the country. I have no idea what her financial situ is, nor do I care. She's been in ds's life 4 years, I very much doubt she's intimidated by anything (other than me!!)

All you can do is wait and if it goes wrong be there for him, as a parent it’s all we can do

That's awful! Twenty plus years - What makes men so weak that they allow themselves to be so controlled?

There was a thread on here a couple of years ago by a Mother whose son {18}was in a relationship with an older, extremely controlling woman...she was about 27.

Similar backgrounds help enormously.

You are all singing off the same hymn sheet.

I'm not really talking about financial differences, as such.

What I'm trying to say in a nice way is....do you think the girlfriend comes from a 'well brought up background"

Would she be aware of the right type of etiquette around expensive restaurants,and be very comfortable.

In other words are you too posh for her and she feels uncomfortable/inadequate.

I'm just thinking of all scenarios.

"Similar backgrounds help enormously.
You are all singing off the same hymn sheet."

Absolutely.

...it does happen to women to.

I don't think that's an issue. She's worn some questionable things to nice restaurants on occasions (not leaving much to imagination) but she's well spoken. We're definitely not posh at all.

Also: it's worth you recognising that probably every time you've spent time with her she's stepping into your world. A restaurant you've chosen, your holiday, your home, your family funeral etc.

If you met her in her world - somewhere her friends meet - would you feel like you fit in? Would your clothes be right? Would the conversation flow? Or might you feel a bit out of place and awkward?

As a young woman, I was painfully shy. Not saying anything to someone who had just had a bereavement would have been me 100%. Not because of rudeness but because of the fact that you are directly confronting someone else's emotions and I would have had no clue how to handle that. In fact I remember when a colleague lost her dad and I actively avoided her for ages so I wouldn't have to say anything. I mean I avoided her for weeks! And the longer it went on, the more anxious I got as I then started thinking that if I did bump into her and couldn't avoid the issue, was it too late to say anything, would it be more wrong to say something than to say nothing? I totally tortured myself over it. That was about 25 years ago and of course I now realise that in a workplace of 50 plus people she probably wasn't keeping a log of who had and who hadn't offered condolences.
I could give you countless other examples of when my shyness most definitely looked like terrible rudeness but the fact is that some people are very uncomfortable with others unless they know them very well (usually very close family or closest friends). They don't do it on purpose and they torment themselves over it. They know they come across as rude- that makes it even harder for them- but doesn't make it easier to speak up and join in.

I wouldn't feel out of place anywhere as I'm a confident person and sure of myself. But then I'm a lot older than her so unfair to compare.
This is our (ordinary) life what more can we do but include her?

Ok.. anything that isn't malicious I'm ok with.. I'm sorry you suffered such awful anxiety. We just didn't understand.. she's a similar age to my dd. Even without knowing the family, any of dd's friends would have just walked in and known what to say. Thats what we're used to. Perhaps I could ask ds if she has anxiety.

There are a couple of things you’ve said about her that make me feel uncomfortable. The only positive thing you could say about her was that she was pretty. You made rude comments about her clothing choices. Both of these things suggest you feel threatened by her youth.

It’s also not nice how you comment that you don’t care about her background and yet it is important to be with someone from the same background (and of course with no disability or diversity as, well, that just makes life harder).

You expect her to be chatty, friendly, and sociably with you but clearly that’s not her personality type. I’m sure you have your own friends and she does too. It seems it is not important to her to be friends with you. She is young still, she may grow up a little and find it easier to be sociable with people not of her peer group, but please - leave her alone, give her some space. Stop trying to force this relationship. She seems fine. The only real issue is that you don’t like her, and she knows it.

The only example of rudeness is she says hello when you say hello to her and she didn’t know how to express condolences to her boyfriend’s grandmother after her boyfriend’s grandmother’s brother died. Chalk it up to immaturity, not rudeness, and LEAVE HER ALONE!

No one is suggesting you don’t include her but maybe stop judging her?

Thank god I met my dh at thirty and we were living a plane flight away from his parents. I, too, am a confident older woman and knew how to make my way around the world alone, make friends of strangers in a wide variety of cultures and situations—and I still didn’t get along well with my MIL or give her the MIL experience she wanted. Why? Because she wasn’t my type and I wasn’t hers. DH and I are still going strong 33 years later. MIL wasn’t a big part of our lives.

Well good for them? And good for you?? We haven’t all had the same experiences of observing and learning social skills and etiquette. And I know you don’t care because you just want DS to be with someone like you/your family but he’s not. Can’t you see what you’re doing? She’s just not good enough for you. And don’t ask DS if she has anxiety. That would be fucking awful. Just use that knowledge the PP gave you to try to approach her with more understanding.

Leave her alone? Apart from being breezy and friendly, what is it exactly that you think I do? Funny isn’t it.. if I make an effort I’m told to leave her alone.. if I don’t then I’m not making enough effort. I was asked by a poster if she might feel uncomfortable in nice restaurants, the comment about her clothing was in relation to that. If you don’t think it’s normal to say hi when you walk into someone’s home then that says a lot about you i guess.

So you've basically cut off your dh from his mum because you simply didn't like her. Nice.