Anyone else quietly disappointed in their adult child's choice of partner?

[ohthejoys21]

To state the obvious as ds is in his early 20's, I'm well aware it's not my business and his life.

But he's made his long term choice (intends to commit to her as soon as able) and despite not being depressed and having a full life, I feel like I'm carrying around this sadness.

No one in my family likes her. Even dd who loves everyone, She's rude and cold to us. Of course by now I'm sure she can sense we don't like her but we all made such an effort for so long. Never says hello/bye when she's here. My mother's brother died, she came round after the funeral and didn't even say hello to my mother. Generally brings out the worst in ds.

We can't say anything to him can we or we'll lose him. Not sure what I'm looking for here.. when I say I've tried, I really have. It's just awful and I'm so sad.

I felt like my husbands family didn’t like me when we were first married. I feel most of them like me now- 20 years later! I guess in respect of your post op, his Mum likes me more now. What helped I think was having DD and also spending time with her by myself, this was hard at first but we both made an effort. In my case though the personalities are reversed. I’m more chatty, she’s not and at first I felt that this was very rude, also she almost completely ignored my Mum the first time they met. As she was the older one I naively thought that adults just don’t behave like this and so things were difficult. Now I know better, she’s just the way she is and that’s great- I love her very much even though on the face it it we often don’t click and sometimes have nothing to say to each other but that’s okay.
With kindness you seem
to put a lot of store on her speaking- she doesn’t have to speak,
some
people just don’t speak much and that’s okay.

Oh God this thread is giving me anxiety for the future, it's my worst nightmare my DS marrying someone like that and my expectations aren't high. Have you met her family? Is she warm and chatty around them or other friends? Do your DS's friends like her?
Re the funeral, yes it's not good but maybe she literally didn't know what to say if she has never come face to face with a bereaved person is that possible that she was paralysed with indecision so said nothing? Maybe her family don't say hello or goodbye just slope in and out? I personally don't like a hoo ha when I leave somewhere, would rather do it quietly.
I would agree with other advice, lower your expectations, keep being polite and welcoming to her and hope that things improve and you are able to "get" each other. (Or better still, your son realises she is not for him).

Your son will know who is right for him better than you can OP.
My DH was desperate to have a bit of distance from his overbearing family, I think I got the blame for that but actually he was happier having a more distant relationship with them and we are still very happy 26 years later.

I feel for you Op.
My DD went out with a boy for 7 years or so. He was not interested in us, & she spent most of her time at his house. she started to follow his trends (music metal, wearing black) He definitely pulled her "down" rather than pulled her "up", we had to watch, hope & wait.
I still took her out shopping & on small trips, (where she asked me not to tell him as he wouldn't approve) ... Fortunately they broke up. She has bloomed.
But I have never told her how much we worried, She is still in contact with him as friends...

Unfortunately I also have two friends. One who has a distant strained non- relationship with her son & DIL & their child, & is only able to visit twice a year.
The other who has lost their son completely. She & her husband do not understand why.

So I don't know the solution, I think probably I would simply speak to DS & ask him why she doesn't even say hello & goodbye, all you wish for is a harmonious stress free relationship. He was brought up to have manners after all. Can't he see how she doesn't try ? Does he not see how she behaves ?
Shy or not, in the future she will have a professional life & will have to, at times interact with people she doesn't know. & like.

I haven't met her family but I've seen her around people her age and she seems fine and chatty so I feel it's 100% a problem with me. As said earlier, I feel she doesn't like me even though I've tried for so long.

I’m in my mid twenties and so is my partner. His mother never liked me from the start. I didn’t meet her until I was already 12 weeks pregnant with her first grandchild. I was suffering really bad with HG so wasn’t very sociable or likeable at the time. Even after giving birth, she never liked me much. I know it’s a bit different as I did try everything I could but in the end I gave up. We had a big falling out nearly 2 years ago now and haven’t seen her since apart from when she tried to take us to court.

Moral of the story is, just keep doing what you’re doing. Play nice, make the effort, show your son that you’re trying. If she is the one he’s going to marry and have children with, you want to be there. Don’t give her even the slightest reason for them to discuss going no contact with you.

My children are both under 5 so I am a long way off but I would be devastated if the people dating my daughters brought out the worst in them and didn’t make an effort with me but at the end of the day, we need to let them live their life, make their own mistakes and figure it out for themselves. Let it be known you love and support them both despite anything else and hopefully it all works out well for you!

I'm scared to criticise her in any way to ds. On the very rare occasion I've brought something up he got defensive.

Now your dd has thankfully ended that relationship, can you not tell her how concerned you were at the time?

Thank you so much for your advice. Yes I will carry on and try not to give them any reason to cut me off! I think you're very lucky to have two daughters.. there definitely seems to be a difference.

My husband's family have disliked me from the start, primarily because we are practising Christians (they are not), we married younger than they wanted (our engagement was followed by threats not to come to our wedding, a great uncle said we would be divorcing within five years etc), and my husband chose to prioritise having a family over a high-flying career (his family are very London-centric, high flying and earning big salaries etc)...four years and two children later, we are stronger than ever, and no longer in contact with his family!

They probably think you led him astray! This girl is a different religion from us. I am ok with this but I have a feeling she thinks I'm not. I do think the more things you have in common with someone including family background the better in my opinion, but my children's happiness means far more to me than religion.

Me and my partner are from completely different backgrounds, his family loud included in everything aunts uncles cousins everyone , they are all up dancing and partying at every get together I'm shy socially anxious and would do none of those things...sil said when she first met me she thought I was a stuck up bitch that was too good for them but now loves me I never started convos but always politely answered just by not really knowing what to say or do we are 17 years in and I'm even close to his cousins and aunties and stuff and meet up without him now

That's a nice story Mumo.. I'm pleased they got to know you.

@ohthejoys21 It's very interesting to read about your experiences, especially from the perspective of the 'in-laws'. It sounds like you've tried to be as welcoming and understanding as one can be. I wish my PIL had been as kind about our religious faith as you have! Sadly they repeatedly made their intolerance and dislike of it (and me) well known.

You are certainly right about them thinking I brainwashed my husband into returning to the Church (despite the fact he did so several years before we met!). My MIL accused me of doing so. It caused a lot of arguments and so we ended contact in the end. I really hope everything works out well between you and your family.

I absolutely understand how you feel OP but just wanted to put across another point of view. When I've been in situations where someone has died for instance, I've agonised over the right thing to say to the person still alive, yo the point where I've said nothing and then beaten myself up about it for years, repeatedly replaying the scenario out in my head, thinking why didn't I just sat something? Especially when I've been in situations where I'm the outsider and feel like I should impress them by doing the right thing, but then do the wrong thing and make things worse each time. It can be so difficult being the one coming in to an already very happy group/family.

Of course I'd understand that. It's not how it came across at the time, but I guess you never know.

When you greet her and say hello what does she actually do in response?

Does she work?

She seems like she has a social circle of friends so must have something going for her...

Can you try to notice if there are any times when she interacts a bit more comfortably eg is it when you're doing an activity together so there is less conversational / small talk pressures etc? If when you meet it involves more of the comfortable type activities for her then her confidence could increase around you ?

I wonder if his family have any regrets now. I'd fight to the death to stay in my ds's life, it would be such a source of sadness for me. How does your dh feel about not having his parents in his life?

When I say hello she answers hello. If I'm in the kitchen when she comes into the house and she walks in, she won't say hello unless I do. It's ridiculous. Yes she does work. To be honest she never seems to be at ease around us (or me) so it's hard to expand on that. I can ask her questions about her work etc till the cows come home but it gets exhausting!

Do you not think part of the problem there is that you didn't meet her until you were twelve weeks pregnant?

Sorry double pist

She sounds a lot like my SIL, your post really resonated with me as I feel a kind of loss and disappointment that he's with someone who has no interest whatsoever in his family (we are a close family and have made every effort to include her but she's just not interested). No advice really but don't bend over backwards making a huge effort with her if it's not reciprocated, she probably won't change. You're not unreasonable to feel sad about this though.

Not really no. It was through no fault of ours or hers. We lived 4 hours away and covid lockdowns meant we were unable to travel and meet. Regardless, I tried and it wasn’t reciprocated and it festered until a final falling out.

Does some of it just come down to manners? I was brought up to be polite and to engage with people, even if I really didn't want to. Even as a teenager. Came in useful for managing dh's difficult df- who dh found very difficult to be civil to.

I've been reading through the thread OP, and to me, from this post it sounds like you've completely written her off, which is a shame to me really. I'm slowly getting to know someone (whom I admittetly I have a crush on!) and I'm trying my best to be patient with him, as I already see lots of qualities in him that I like and admire. He seems shy and introverted, despite his career being in the performing arts (think singing, gigs etc) and I'm still trying to determine weather this is just the way he is with me, or around other people too. It's hard to tell because we don't know each other that well. Only met a couple of times in person and chatted via fb messages, over the course of a year. I'm going to one of his gigs this summer, and I'm really unsure myself of how to talk to him (should I approach? Wait for him to come to me?) I'm probably massively overthrowing it, but I don't want him to feel uncomfortable around me. I used to be very shy as a teen, but as I've grown (I'm now 32 this summer) I've become way more outgoing and will chat to people, attempt to make new friends etc. Its so difficult at times and I sympathise with anyone with this sort of personality. I'm the complete opposite now to him and don't want him to be put off by me, but sometimes these things can't be helped!

This is going totally against the grain but I would talk to your son. My sister has totally fucked up her life and her child's life by staying with her abusive dick of a husband.
He absolutely hates our family and has to a certain extent isolated my sister. My niece hates her dad and when he got Covid she said she wished he would die.
Before and after they got married we tried to be nice to him and my parents didn't try to persuade her to leave him because they were scared they'd lose her.
They have lost her anyway. She is a shadow of her former self and so controlled by her husband.
Talk to him, you might lose him, but you might lose him regardless and at least you will know you tried.