Anyone else quietly disappointed in their adult child's choice of partner?

[ohthejoys21]

To state the obvious as ds is in his early 20's, I'm well aware it's not my business and his life.

But he's made his long term choice (intends to commit to her as soon as able) and despite not being depressed and having a full life, I feel like I'm carrying around this sadness.

No one in my family likes her. Even dd who loves everyone, She's rude and cold to us. Of course by now I'm sure she can sense we don't like her but we all made such an effort for so long. Never says hello/bye when she's here. My mother's brother died, she came round after the funeral and didn't even say hello to my mother. Generally brings out the worst in ds.

We can't say anything to him can we or we'll lose him. Not sure what I'm looking for here.. when I say I've tried, I really have. It's just awful and I'm so sad.

For my delight? You actually got a laugh out of me there! Yes I'll admit to fantasising about happy families where both my kids and their partners get on brilliantly but it does me no good so i have to focus on trying harder. I know my son. He'll marry her.

"A very perceptive Gay friend who was once married to a woman said ''My wife and mother never got on, as they were both fighting over me''...he said his wife was jealous of his mum, but he loved his mum, and wanted to spend time with her, especially as his father had died young, and his mum had brought him up alone.

He said he so often sees mother in laws and daughter in laws fighting over the adult son- it so rarely happens with daughters.

I'd never seen it like that before- but he's right."

Yes I think that is correct, it doesn't happen with girls. In this case It doesn't at all feel like we're fighting over him though. As I said earlier, I would always expect him to put his wife before me and would love him no less.

Thank you.. yes I really have been trying, but dispite that I own the fact she may well have felt I didn't like her. Maybe I just haven't tried hard enough.

In my experience, I just keep my mouth shut - I don't want to lose my son! She is a lovely girl but on occasions she comes across quite 'cold'. We are a Mediterranean family so we are culturally a bit different. You would think after 14/15 years she would 'get' us but alas no.....

I understand. Ds's girlfriend has had a completely different upbringing to ds, the only thing they share is that their parents are divorced.

Interesting about the skiing holiday. Can I ask, is she a proficient skier? If she isn't then it's obviously pretty difficult for her to be part of the group. I say this as this happened to a friend's son - staying in a ski-chalet owned by his girlfriend's parents. The rest of the group were proficient skiers but he wasn't and he felt pretty isolated from the rest of the group due to the logistics of them being on the slopes and he was at beginner level. It proved totally morale sapping for him - and he is a high flying city guy, normally very confident and urbane.

Unless the girlfriend is a lot older than the DS then she was probably about 17 or 18 when the OP met her and is probably only about 21 or 22 now. It's not like she's a woman in her late 20s early 30s, she was still a teenager for some of the behaviour the OP is complaining about

More to the point a quiet, reserved teenager from another religion, coming into the OPs family who she says herself are louder, more affluent etc. She must as a teenager have felt like a fish out of water and it seems to have set the tone for the relationship.

"Interesting about the skiing holiday. Can I ask, is she a proficient skier? If she isn't then it's obviously pretty difficult for her to be part of the group. I say this as this happened to a friend's son - staying in a ski-chalet owned by his girlfriend's parents. The rest of the group were proficient skiers but he wasn't and he felt pretty isolated from the rest of the group due to the logistics of them being on the slopes and he was at beginner level. It proved totally morale sapping for him - and he is a high flying city guy, normally very confident and urbane."

No it was nothing like that, despite never having been skiing since we took her, we got her private tuition and she took to it like a duck to water. No, I'm talking about rest of the holiday, mealtimes etc when we weren't skiing.

*despite never having skied before we took her

OP, as a “new girlfriend” of the grandson of the bereaved, don’t you think she simply may have seen herself as too low down in the pecking order to speak to the grandma during this difficult time?

I appreciate this may not be good polite etiquette but in her mind she may have seen it as “respectful” not to disturb your grandma by talking with her.

I understand what you are trying to say, but it was a relaxed setting with us sitting in the garden. My parents have always been so warm to her. She heard dd's boyfriend give them his condolences as he was there too.

Let your thoughts be heard… they say ‘speak now or forever hold your peace’ for a reason.

you just say - “well I don’t like her personally because she’s cold and unwelcoming to us, but I don’t have to like her because I’m not marrying her and living with her - if she makes you happy I’m happy for you.”

The thing is OP you don’t have to like her. It is okay to admit that you don’t like someone 🤷🏻‍♀️

Perhaps your precious daughter is also “dull”? If she was so outgoing surely she would organise her own life adventures and not hinge it on her partner? 😉

Mine has chosen one that is as thick as they come.
He's incredibly intelligent. I'm pretty sure they're not having deep and meaningful discussions when they're together 🙄

Recently, MN seems to me to be very anti-woman, (sorry, I write as a man) holding women to unrealistic standards. As a man, most of my friends and I almost see our MIL as a natural ally, which is nice for us, but does suggest something wrong. If you read MN, your idea of an average woman would be an empathetic wonder machine, capable at work and home and putting herself last and many of them are throwing themselves at every average son who is repsonsible and puts his gf/wife first. If course, the reality will be disappointing and perhaps the standards are askew.

You and a million others I would think.

@Lemsipper "Perhaps your precious daughter is also “dull”? If she was so outgoing surely she would organise her own life adventures and not hinge it on her partner."

She is precious- thank you for recognising that.

He cant be that intelligent if he would make such a poor decision? 🤔 Perhaps he doesn’t want someone “highly intelligent” and rather values kindness, cuteness, thoughtfulness, humour, looks?

"Introverted" is zero excuse for failing to express condolences to the bereaved. Zero.

She sounds horrible, OP. What do you think the attraction is, for your son?

My mother in law certainly is 🤷🏻‍♀️

"Introverted" is zero excuse for failing to express condolences to the bereaved. Zero.

She sounds horrible, OP. What do you think the attraction is, for your son?"

She's a pretty girl. Other than that I don't know .. maybe they have just grown together, maybe he's just got comfortable with her and used to her.

Newsflash- Being introverted doesn't equate to being rude, unkind or not compassionate. It's devastating when a DC pairs up with someone you know is horrible at the core and will drain their good nature.

Thank you.. I don't think she's horrible to the core though. I just didn't understand her behaviour in this case, anxious or not. All she had to say was "I'm so sorry".. anything reall.. even hello!

The fact u have made bad partner choices means he is highly unlikely to take any notice golf yr advice and u will be seen as bitter and twisted.
Dont say anything bad about her, but be there to pick up the pieces if needed. Its his choice not yrs , so dont get involved, if they visit be pleasant and don’t slag off to others.

It's exactly because I've made a bad partner choice in the past that I know what's at stake and what it can do to your life. But as you say I'll have to let him get on with it.