Anyone else quietly disappointed in their adult child's choice of partner?

[ohthejoys21]

To state the obvious as ds is in his early 20's, I'm well aware it's not my business and his life.

But he's made his long term choice (intends to commit to her as soon as able) and despite not being depressed and having a full life, I feel like I'm carrying around this sadness.

No one in my family likes her. Even dd who loves everyone, She's rude and cold to us. Of course by now I'm sure she can sense we don't like her but we all made such an effort for so long. Never says hello/bye when she's here. My mother's brother died, she came round after the funeral and didn't even say hello to my mother. Generally brings out the worst in ds.

We can't say anything to him can we or we'll lose him. Not sure what I'm looking for here.. when I say I've tried, I really have. It's just awful and I'm so sad.

Shy, or extremely uncomfortable.

There's a lot I don't say to my in-laws. Religion and politics to start with are off the table - as is a sensible idea in any scenario - but I'm well aware their views are likely to jar with mine. I see no reason why they would care for my opinion in any case, so I keep it to myself.

I don't talk about my profession unless asked directly; usually by MiL's husband, who worked in a similar field. DH's sister seems very triggered by this. I'm not intimidated by it; I just CBA with the theatrics or PA digs. We share no interests in common and our reading/popular entertainment preferences are not even on the same plane. So there's little in the way of small-talk topics available there.

My way of communicating is therefore to ask them about themselves. This isn't difficult: it gives the impression I'm interested, and neatly avoids any expectation of talking about myself, my interests or my opinions. They don't really know what I'm like, have no desire to know, and that's fine. My expectations of, and from them, are low and that way no one ends up disappointed.

I don't know what's driving DS's GF; whether she believes herself in a similar position. I carefully manage my interactions with in-laws in this way: perhaps she is doing something similar. OP, I hope you are able to adjust your own expectations of GF somehow, and to manage your interactions with them in a way that best works for you.

It might not be the in-law relationship you hoped for: neither is mine. We can't always have what we want so need to work with how things are, rather than how we'd hoped they would be.

Hold on: your son is 22, he’s been with this girl for four years, and you are still mourning the previous gf snd her lovely family that he broke up with 4+ years ago i.e. when he was 18 or less? (You are still mentally comparing them?)

That is very unhealthy and unwise. Surely he is maturing and knows what he likes by this time.

'No one in my family likes her'. That is the kind of thing a bully would say.

If you genuinely want to have a good relationship with this woman, then try to find out what it is about her you find so triggering. Often it is because a person reminds us of a part of ourselves we don't particularly like. Perhaps therapy would help you, if you truly want to improve things, and can handle a voice outside of the echo chamber of your family.

Then it’s probably as simple as you’re all a bit much for her. She probably finds you and your family (and your lifestyle) overwhelming. You seem to place a lot of emphasis on how important you all find each other and how outgoing you are. As such she withdraws a bit and you’ve decided it’s rudeness.

Blanking a grieving older lady is beyond "withdrawing a bit"

When my mother met dh she really didn’t know what to make of him and I suspect that she didn’t like him
He was twenty three and very quiet having come from a staunch Christian family who were very quiet and reserved. He barely said a word to anyone in my family
I come from a family that is loud and constantly take the piss out of each other.
However, my family gave him a chance.
Now he is one of my mother’s favourite people. I often find out about things that she is doing through my husband .
I honestly think she finds it easier to get on with him than me.

Oh no . That’s my ultimate fear . Always treading on eggshells in case it happens .

No she's done nothing at all to warrant concern to ds. I would have loved him to have had a few relationships first. Ds is quiet compared to my dd but never rude and can hold his own in any conversation. Thank you, I realise I have to move towards acceptance as ds has told dh they want to live together and if that works out get married. I know you never know but I can't see it finishing.

Dd said if she was with someone whom she knew no one in her family was keen on, she'd want to know and that would be enough to finish it. She's very different from ds though.

yes, but they have just separated and im waiting to see if its long term - though it does seem so this time. Ive not liked them since the moment I met them and hidden it away, been over fair to them and thus my dc doesn't suspect

I'm trying to give her a chance.. been trying for years! maybe not hard enough. If they do go on to marry and have a family, assuming she lets me have a relationship with them, loving the same children might be the breakthrough.. who knows.

Ifyoucouldreadmymindlove

"Then it’s probably as simple as you’re all a bit much for her. She probably finds you and your family (and your lifestyle) overwhelming. You seem to place a lot of emphasis on how important you all find each other and how outgoing you are. As such she withdraws a bit and you’ve decided it’s rudeness."

No one forces her to come away with us- if it was that overwhelming she wouldn't come?? I'm really confused about your comment saying I've placed emphasis on how important we are to eachother. Aren't your family important to you?

ohthejoys21

do you have any common interests?

People definitely change -As for the ''Is she {Your son's girlfriend} a Mute?''
some of our uncles and aunts were born ''Deaf/mute'' and they were warm and loving people- They married other Deaf/Mute people and were happy - they signed and were visually expressive - so ''Mutes'' aren't all cold and undemonstrative.
In fact, if my Aunt and uncle were alive, they's rub their cheek fast -''Cheeky!'' for someone being so rude to your family.

Iwonder what would happen if, next time she comes and you greet her but she walks past you with no sign of havine even heard you, you responded with a very hurt sounding "do you dislike me so much you can't even say hello?" Thus turning the tables so she understands that YOU think SHE dislikes you. At the least it would prompt any adult into responding with a hello of their own. You can tell your son that you're SO hurt by her obvious dislike of you, that you didn't mean to call her out, and then have a real conversation with him about this behaviour. The least you can expect is a hello, a thank you for food/drinks/holidays etc and a goodbye - and frankly if your son doesn't agree with you on that and have a decent explanation why it doesn't apply to his chosen one, then I'd be wondering about his upbringing.

I HATED DS's first serious partner. It was a visceral reaction. He gave me the creeps. But I was extremely nice to him, following the 'keep your enemies close' ploy so DS didn't estrange himself from us. He lived with us for a while and he was a sponger - didn't offer to pay for so much as a pint of milk or loaf of bread. He treated DS like shit and DS made endless allowances for him. He's now met someone who I adore. His new partner is autistic and socially quite awkward but absolutely lovely and fascinating and kind. Worth the wait.

Which they have been doing

".next time she comes and you greet her but she walks past you with no sign of havine even heard you, you responded with a very hurt sounding "do you dislike me so much you can't even say hello?" Thus turning the tables so she understands that YOU think SHE dislikes you. At the least it would prompt any adult into responding with a hello of their own. You can tell your son that you're SO hurt by her obvious dislike of you, that you didn't mean to call her out, and then have a real conversation with him about this behaviour. The least you can expect is a hello, a thank you for food/drinks/holidays etc and a goodbye - and frankly if your son doesn't agree with you on that and have a decent explanation why it doesn't apply to his chosen one, then I'd be wondering about his upbringing."

Do this if you want him to feel protective of her and never visit you again.

Maybe she feels that refusing to come would be rude. I really think that the fact that she hasn't withdrawn means that she is anxious rather than intentionally rude. She wants to do 'the right thing' by your son and have a relationship with you but the actual interaction is just too much.

@Bigearringsbigsmile

Why did she lose her son? Why did you not feeling comfortable around his mum mean she lost her son? Can you not hear how fucked up that is?
Are you controlling in other aspects of your life?
Exactly what I thought. So she intentionally made him distance from his family because she didn't like them. Controlling and horrible

SerafinasGoose

I'm pleased you have worked out the best way to handle your in-laws. It says a lot that you make the effort to ask about them all the time when it isn't reciprocated and I can imagine it's fine for short periods it not sustainable for long periods.

My feeling with ds's partner is that she's uncomfortable. Andrew weeks ago dh and I went for a walk with them.. I was next to her and asking questions making conversation.. I thought that was better than walking in silence.. but I was exhausted and ran out of questions by the end of it.

*A few weeks ago, not Andrew!

When I cook for her she politely says thank you, so that's something. But that's it. No I wouldn't put her on the spot like that as I don't think there's ever any coming back from that and I'm reticent to make it any worse.

Yes we have one common interest and that's the one I'm going try harder with.

A lot of posters seem to have missed that OP had been being nice to the GF and trying to build the relationship for FOUR YEARS!

All these posters saying 'give her a chance...' how much longer does this chance have to take? If be disappointed if after four years of being nice to her, my future DIL still blanked me.

A very perceptive Gay friend who was once married to a woman said ''My wife and mother never got on, as they were both fighting over me''...he said his wife was jealous of his mum, but he loved his mum, and wanted to spend time with her, especially as his father had died young, and his mum had brought him up alone.

He said he so often sees mother in laws and daughter in laws fighting over the adult son- it so rarely happens with daughters.

I'd never seen it like that before- but he's right.