Anyone else quietly disappointed in their adult child's choice of partner?

[ohthejoys21]

To state the obvious as ds is in his early 20's, I'm well aware it's not my business and his life.

But he's made his long term choice (intends to commit to her as soon as able) and despite not being depressed and having a full life, I feel like I'm carrying around this sadness.

No one in my family likes her. Even dd who loves everyone, She's rude and cold to us. Of course by now I'm sure she can sense we don't like her but we all made such an effort for so long. Never says hello/bye when she's here. My mother's brother died, she came round after the funeral and didn't even say hello to my mother. Generally brings out the worst in ds.

We can't say anything to him can we or we'll lose him. Not sure what I'm looking for here.. when I say I've tried, I really have. It's just awful and I'm so sad.

I understand your pain and agree there is nothing you can do apart from being there and continue to be welcoming. But your DS is still young. They can change though - recently my DS said to me "what was I thinking when I got into that relationship?" And he's found someone else much nicer.

Then don't quote a post from someone talking about her grand daughter who has SM as if you are talking about someone like her grand daughter!

Who the heck uses acronyms?
SM= Sado masochist or Social Media

If people used actual words rather than vague acronyms they would make themselves understood far better.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with my DD's partner. He is loving and kind and funny and supportive and he and dd have a lovely life together. He is just...sooooooo dull! I want my dd to be having adventures and doing new things and living her life to the full like I was at her age.

I am fully aware, before anyone tells me, that this is very much a me problem....🤣

Since when did being a cold fish become a disability???????

Surely if she had mutism the DS would have mentioned it

She chats fine to Fil and does answer questions just doesn’t reciprocate or show interest

Op if you have taken this girl on holiday does she sit in silence for hours? What happens if your son talks to her? One word answer too?

Nowthatyouregone posts about her grand daughter who has SM - selective mutism. A disabling condition.
Oakleaffy replies as above, quoting her post.

That doesn't justify your ableist post however much you deflect

Even if she does have it, and who knows, It is unlikely to be officially diagnosed. As this thread shows, it is a poorly known and poorly understood condition and most people don't get an official diagnosis and are written off as very shy or rude.

I'm pleased he's found someone lovely. To be honest when I look at my ex I cannot imagine being with him.. I wonder if it's because we change.

I have rarely if ever seen her initiate conversation.. I assume she does with ds. Dh is a really good conversationalist so makes sure there are no awkward moments, that's how holidays are bearable.

Also on holiday they tend to go off and do their own thing.

Actually this is slightly off topic but interesting. Apparently we are programmed to gravitate to people who balance us out. It’s subconsciously correcting our own excesses via our prodigy. If you think about it anything else would mean the world slowly bred towards distinct groups: the introverts and extroverts .

More evidence that she’s probably just extremely shy…

I don’t understand why you haven’t told your ds that his GF doesn’t say hello , goodbye etc

I understand it’s difficult for you with how she interacts socially with you and your family. It’s quite likely she’s picked up on your disappointment which unfortunately won’t ease anything. Has she actually done anything to DS that warrants concern in how she treats or behaves towards him within their relationship?
I think it’s about trying to move towards acceptance that she is clearly not what you ideally wanted but the more you hold onto your ideal the worse it will become.
Reduce pressure / expectations. Even having a conversation with DS creates an element of more pressure on the whole situation so I wouldn’t personally do that.
The thing is you don’t ever really know what the future holds / what goes on behind closed doors / how people change and develop as they get older. Even if she appeared ideal to fit into your family social scene, things aren’t always as they seem/don’t always turn out the way you’d want them or expect them to be for someone.

She can't be that introverted that she can't even say hello after all she has a boyfriend!

I think I have joined your club. I always remember the saying your son is your son till he takes him a wife,your daughters your daughter for all of your life. I am going to try hard not to dwell on any sarcasm or moodiness. I have tried so hard to be kind and nice. Hopefully people mellow as they mature. Good luck.

To be fair, as an introvert going on holidays with my in laws is my idea of hell. I also don't tend to chat with my in laws, my FIL is very chatty so we get along nicely as I don't have to speak very much but my MIL tends to expect more of me but I'm just a socially awkward person and I don't see them always to form such a bond to comfortably speak with her. So maybe your DIL is just really introverted or shy. And honestly why is there an expectation to be close to your in laws, it's too much pressure!

OP has no problem with her being quiet. She has a problem with her being cold. She has said that above.

I was very shy and quiet when I met my DH. So when we went to visit his parents I found it difficult to chat with them. But I wasn't cold. As I said in my earlier post, I smiled a lot, I greeted them, I helped with the washing up etc, or watched their favourite TV programme with them.

Yes they noticed that I was shy, but they didn't see me as cold, because I was always receptive to them, even if I wasn't good at starting conversations, and needed to take a break to have time on my own. It sounds as though the young women in the OP isn't making the effort/doesn't want to do any of that.

Has anyone outside your immediate family circle noticed? I mean at family events/weddings/significant birthday parties etc where you may have had friends/colleagues present. A more objective opinion may be useful.

I’m saying this because my DH has several brothers, and when we met over 10 years ago, he told me that one of his brothers had an unfriendly partner “Lisa”. It quickly became clear that Lisa was quiet and only really enjoyed 1:1 conversation. She feels uncomfortable with larger gatherings snd tends not to say much and will often leave early, or make excuses not to go at all. Even my then primary-school aged DD (from a previous relationship) pointed out to me “I don’t know why nobody likes Lisa, she’s the nicest one out of them all.” It seemed like Lisa gave an initial impression of being aloof, people assumed she was rude, she then picked up the vibes of being disliked and acted accordingly.

Maybe your future DIL is just rude, but unfortunately you’ll likely have to keep faking it, as you know from Mumsnet that MIL can easily end up becoming isolated following marriage and GC. I say that as a mum of both DDs and DSs.

The very first time I met my MIL she took an instant dislike to me, I saw it in her eyes straight away. I’m sure she tried to hide it but it was there in her body language, I just wasn’t her type of person, it happens.

I don’t enjoy being around her, and our conversation usually just falls flat as we have nothing to say to each other. I don’t speak much as her shrill voice goes right through me and she is so overbearing towards my husband.

Despite all your best intentions, could this be happening here, OP? Most people can pick up on a feeling they get that they’re not liked and then they behave accordingly.

Shes probably told your son that she thinks you don’t like her.

It's actually far harder if you get on with your in-laws, when you break up, that is.

He is in his 20's. I know men in their late 40's who had 3 or 4 long term (over 2yrs) partners who never actually married despite being engaged. Ditto women.

Bit premature to be mourning whatever you thought he would bring home for your delight?

Imagine being 20 something and knowing your DPs family are disappointed with you. Poor thing. She's young and vulnerable. Poor thing

It's odd to hear you talk of grandchildren when your son is only 22? I didn't get married until over 40. Your son might not hold out for that long, but he could have many more girlfriends other than this one before he commits, don't you think. He may not get married at all, than you've got a whole other problem regarding grandchildren.
I also get what people are saying about his girlfriend and that she could be ND. If so she may see the world very differently and not realise she is supposed to ask after your mother or act a certain way.
I'd want to know what particularly drew your son to her. Perhaps you could get that out of him .... in a nice way.