Anyone else quietly disappointed in their adult child's choice of partner?

[ohthejoys21]

To state the obvious as ds is in his early 20's, I'm well aware it's not my business and his life.

But he's made his long term choice (intends to commit to her as soon as able) and despite not being depressed and having a full life, I feel like I'm carrying around this sadness.

No one in my family likes her. Even dd who loves everyone, She's rude and cold to us. Of course by now I'm sure she can sense we don't like her but we all made such an effort for so long. Never says hello/bye when she's here. My mother's brother died, she came round after the funeral and didn't even say hello to my mother. Generally brings out the worst in ds.

We can't say anything to him can we or we'll lose him. Not sure what I'm looking for here.. when I say I've tried, I really have. It's just awful and I'm so sad.

My brother committed to someone like this. They are still together, have children etc. It is a shame because slowly we just don’t see them, only so much effort one side can put into very poor social experiences.

Currently dgaf about your situation OP.
Just very very sad for anyone with SM, including my GD, who seems to be written off by some on here as 'disappointing ' and just not good enough for some people's offspring.
Just wow 😡

My uncle married someone who is fucking horrible. The first time I met her was at my own birthday party in my own house. She didn’t say hello.:..thank you..:goodbye. I thought she might have been shy. But did it for the next 3 times we met her. I spoke about how I disliked her and I was met with people who didn’t agree.

they had a split wedding. So one day they got married and 2 weeks later they had the reception. I was invited to the wedding but the night before the reception I was told I was uninvited…:.I told my uncle that I was more hurt than he’ll ever know. He replied it was my own fault.

apparently it was because I didn’t say hello to her parents. At this point I hadn’t even spoken to her. I had zero idea who her parents were…:..

I gave uk after that. I’ve never forgotten it and forgiven it. I was close to my uncle but I am not now. We’ve met once since then and that’s it.

few years later everyone else in the family agreed. She’s a heartless bitch.

just make sure to never go my route. Never speak out. Never say anything. It wrecked our entire family.

I wish I had more helpful advice.

If you really want to sort this out, the best advice will come from people that have disagreed with you.

From YOUR posts it sounds like this women is not trying to fit in with a group of people that don't like her.

You have spoken to your DS already, you know this person is aware you do not like her and disapprove. You cannot control the behaviour of others, only yourself.

Continue to be kind and treat her how she wants to be treated, not how you expect to be. You all have to fit together is a respectful space. You need to agree rules of engagement that work for you both.

You have to accept she may not want to be a part of the family in the way you want her to. If she ever did, she may not ever want to now.

When my DC have long term partners, I hope to be more understanding and accepting.

Why do you describe yourself as misunderstood but not extend the same grace to her?

OP, you say that you would change how you approach her if you knew she had issues with anxiety. Why not do that anyway, you don't have anything to lose. If its anxiety that is driving this then she may eventually warm to you, if it isn't then she will carry on being rude and you will know. If it is anxiety you will need to give it time, and probably years rather than months.

I think, the future is going to be what the future is going to be. Sure you can hope for one, and plan for one, and try to make the one you want, but I firmly do believe if you put your faith somewhere, you might get the future you need even if at the outset it doesn't look like the one you wanted. I'm in this boat myself in life, and it's hard to pull away from feeling disappointed... but I try to stay open to potential surprises or come to discover a puzzle piece that makes no sense today in fact was instrumental in creating the bigger picture later. If we looking out through disappointment colored glasses were going to bias ourselves into seeing more disappointments.

@ohthejoys21

Marry in haste repent later springs to mind in regards of your son,

So there is still hope 🙏 he will wise up

he is not the only one who has consired or and has married young and outgrown that type of relationship marriage 🤔 or and regretted the relationship a while later..

thinking cause he is young that he knows everything in life..

I’m quite shy and introvert, but it hasn’t escaped my attention that you should say hello and goodbye to people, especially if they are hosting or you’re in their house.

She may have undisclosed ND, she may have poor social skills and need to work on them, or she may just be rude.

I totally get why you’re concerned for your son though. It can be difficult going through life if you/your partner doesn’t make an effort socially as it is then easy to become isolated.

But at the same time, it doesn’t sound like he’s called her out on it either. If my husband had regularly stonewalled/ignored my family, I’d be saying something. He is also culpable here. As hard as that might be to hear.

They have been together 4 years and are still only at the talking about marriage and living together stage

How on earth is that marry is haste repent at leisure?

It's the cold fish icy silence which is so off putting.

I know I'd be as equally upset as OP is if my son had a poisson froid for a partner.

I have seen the damage these chilly pillars of silence can do to families- why do the cold fish seem to gravitate to those with warm families?

Surely they'd be happier with icy silent types.

I resonate with this, even though my husband and I are NT.

Our parents are very different, we're both in the middle between what they're like. But while my parents just know that we're living a bit differently to them and know that is fine, his parents act like both us and my parents are doing life "wrong" (this also came up when BIL and SIL broke up briefly - it was all couched in terms of SIL living life wrong). I've seen it happen with numerous others too

I don't think it's fair of OP to say that behaving differently with others is a sign of malignance either - sometimes there's just a difficulty vibing with other people (for example, as an introvert I find it hard when people try to get me out of my shell, but have an easy time with others who are more natural.

Pikkumyy

"Why do you describe yourself as misunderstood but not extend the same grace to her?"

Are you having a bad day?

@taleasoldashoney we've all been young

Obviously @ohthejoys21 son is not married 🙄 yet,

but Op said in one of her posts updates,

her son was consirdering this,

and i was just saying,

weve all been young and some of us madly in lust or and in love and married young or dived head first into a relationship that later down the line we outgrown or realised it was a mistake and should have listened more to our instincts or / and to our friends and family or other people around us

That's just life and learning curves experiences

It makes me laugh a bit quite entertaining 😃 how pedantic 🤔
worked up people on these threads can get at times too......
about slightest thing...

Where does OP say she doesn't think girlfriend is good enough for her "prevvous boy"?

@taleasoldashoney we've all been young

Love or/ 😍 lust is blind at times...

People's hormones make them rush into relationships or marriages and regret later...

We have all been young, but regardless a 4 year relationship and not engaged or living together yet is still not marrying at haste

given you have replied twice to my one post you do seem quite worked up about proving your point...

This is one of the most ablist posts I have ever seen on mumsnet and I have reported it.

Don't think it's too bad? Try substituting racial characteristics for the characteristics of the disability.

My children's partners are male, so it's a different dynamic. I wonder if your son's girlfriend feels intimidated by the senior female figures (you, OP and your mother) and that perhaps she's more comfortable staying quiet and low key?

All I can say is continue to extend a warm welcome and be inclusive without overdoing it.

I've always felt very cold vibes back from one long term partner and was surprised to hear back that we're held in high regard. He just doesn't express himself in the same way we do.

Keep extending love, particularly if a child comes into the relationship and eventually you should get it back, not if you keep feeling negativity though.

My mum has a tendency to be over the top, excessive compliments, giving thanks etc she sees it as ‘just what you do’ I’ve had to point out to her that not everyone does as she found her daughter in law, my sister in law to be cold and rude but it’s more she’s just very different to us. I do have to remind my mum of this who can be unaware of what she’s like!

All you can do is gently mention to your son that she seems a bit distant and ask him if there’s anything you could do to help bring her out of her shell? Come from the view point of being sympathetic

My own relationship with my in-laws has not been plain sailing but I would never ever deprive my children or husband of their (marvellous 🤣🤣) company

One thing though - why do you see this girl so much? I generally avoid family get togethers etc so why would she be in your company if she didn’t enjoy it?

Like you - I do believe my MiL was dissatisfied with me for a variety of reasons but she has definitely thawed over the years. Just a bit though…..

It took 14 years to get a card that said DiL on the front 🤣🤣🤣

However you can’t change other people only your reaction to them. I readjusted my expectations and life is fine!

DH's parents died when he was in his teens (mum) and 20s (dad). I never met his mum.

However, he and his siblings have aunts and uncles and were particularly close to one aunt/uncle unit, both before and after their dad died. This pair obviously didn't like me. Apart from their slightly standoffish behaviour towards me, they told my now SIL they didn't like me and she told DH, who told me thinking I would laugh. I didn't laugh. I felt awful as I couldn't see what I had done wrong. I'd only met them once at that stage, at a big family meal. And it spiralled from there.

I was still quite shy and timid back then (my self confidence blossomed throughout my 30s and 40s). I thought I was getting on well with his family, and I did everyone else, but once I knew this couple had taken a real dislike to me, I felt really uncomfortable in their presence and avoided seeing them as much as possible. If I really had to be in their company, I said as little as possible to avoid giving them any ammunition against me, as they liked to make subtle little jokes (to them), digs (to me).

They probably thought I was rude. I certainly thought they were arseholes.

My relationship with the aunt only improved when her husband died. She had to go into a care home at that point and one day during a visit another resident told me she had been particularly upset and I went to have a chat with her. It was the first reasonably comfortable conversation we had ever had (I had been with DH for 20 years + at this stage). She thanked me for being kind to her and we sort of found a peace after that. She has also since died.

I have always got on (and still get on) well with the remaining surviving aunt and uncle and their children/extended families.

The point of my waffle is, you may think you haven't shown any outward animosity to make her feel uncomfortable around you OP, but you clearly feel animosity and she will have picked up on it.

Being ice cold and distant is not a disability- any more than being warm is.

It’s a personality type.

You replied, quoting, to a grandparent who has a grandchild with selective mutism. Selective mutism is a mental health condition and can be considered a disability.

https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/selective-mutism/#:~:text=Selective%20mutism%20is%20an%20anxiety,untreated%2C%20can%20persist%20into%20adulthood.