Anyone else quietly disappointed in their adult child's choice of partner?

[ohthejoys21]

To state the obvious as ds is in his early 20's, I'm well aware it's not my business and his life.

But he's made his long term choice (intends to commit to her as soon as able) and despite not being depressed and having a full life, I feel like I'm carrying around this sadness.

No one in my family likes her. Even dd who loves everyone, She's rude and cold to us. Of course by now I'm sure she can sense we don't like her but we all made such an effort for so long. Never says hello/bye when she's here. My mother's brother died, she came round after the funeral and didn't even say hello to my mother. Generally brings out the worst in ds.

We can't say anything to him can we or we'll lose him. Not sure what I'm looking for here.. when I say I've tried, I really have. It's just awful and I'm so sad.

You say that nobody in your family likes her and that you don't show it. She absolutely knows you don't like her. Just try to coexist with kindness.

Maybe things will be better when they have their own place. Your future dil will likely be more comfortable. You can fit in with them and she may gain perspective. Your ds can visit you occasionally without her. A bit of space will help.

I get on well with my ILs. I am wary of them because of how difficult they were when we first met. They expect their DC's partners to fit in with them. They have fixed ideas of behaviour from others and lack self awareness.

The tone in your posts come across as you believe you are superior. You are both part of the problem.

I imagine that the problem is just a clash of personalities. I once had a partner whose family I just couldn't connect with although they were very nice people. He was brought up in a totally different way to me, his family was out going, loud and brash (IMO), very open about things like sex and had what I considered uncomfortable conversations which I couldn't join in with. On the flip side I was brought up in a more reserved family so I had no experience of these types of conversations. This influenced my relationship with his family and I'm sure I came across as rude or stand offish, when in fact I was trying to make an effort, being well out of my comfort zone. Give the girl a chance, if she makes him happy then surely that's the main thing. However, they may realise over time that they're not actually compatible for a long term relationship. I'm now happily married with children with a different partner whose family values are much more similar to my own and get on great with my in laws as our upbringings are quite similar.

Perhaps, as making a big effort doesnt work, just try being more low-key? Continue to be super-welcoming and friendly, but dont force the small talk.

Set up a family WhatsApp group, include her (and DD partner) on it. Not a constant barage, just occasional "thought you'd like this picture!" type stuff. Just the assumption that she's part of the family group, but she doesnt have to interract with anything.

I’m not sure why OP is being given such a hard time, but then this is MN and I guess people seem to do this as a hobby.

Like some other posters I also think it would be good for you to take a step back OP. You can be pleasant, neutral but no need to go overboard in engagement with your son’s girlfriend.

Some adult children can do things that are concerning. Looking out for them is natural, but try not to let it impact on you too much. Over the age of 18 they pretty much have to take responsibility for their own choices and path in life. Maybe focus more on enjoying his company when you do see him if you can ? And if she’s there just be pleasantly neutral to her.

I wonder if you could find a way to gently share these feelings with him, rather than criticising his GF?

I made a terrible marriage choice with DH#1 and a lot of it had to do with false beliefs from childhood.

Oddly enough, when I did finally separate, it was my dad who understood and supported me the most. Yet in an odd way, I'd been trying to please him by marrying completely the wrong person almost 20 years earlier!

I'll be honest, I suspect this is less about social anxiety and more about her resenting your son's close connections to his family. A male relative married a woman like this, she would actually physically position herself so that he couldn't communicate with his family members, and initiate little whispered conversations with him while we were all in the room. Everyone ended up disliking her, and they divorced a couple of years after they married.

My partners family has a girl like this , been with his brother for 9 years have a kid together but not married . She is just awful to everyone , thinks she is stunning but always overdresses over uses makeup and seems to think she is better than anyone else , not pretty at all . Constantly making remarks specially to the younger generation of teens or young adults on their appearance long the line of “ wouldn’t you prefer to have bigger boobs yours are so small “ when clearly she is jealous are the girls in question are beautiful young adults .
She is also a “ hidden” racist , partners family is mixed race ,him and his brothers are indeed more white than black but proud of their heritage and culture and she was very upset her child was born with skin that is “too brown” ( her own words ) . The girl now 9 constantly says she wishes her skin was whiter ( wtf tell this to their own child ) .
She is just dumb , rude and obnoxious.
Personally I just ignore her half of the time . Stop being kind to your son’s girlfriend. If she is rude call her on it .
Nobody has to put up with idiots .

Yes I'm sure she feels I don't like her which I will have to change. I most certainly don't feel "superior" to her or to anyone else for that matter. What a strange thing to say.

Haven’t read the whole thread so others may have said similar, but thinking back 15 years, when I was early twenties and in a relationship with someone actively awful, who turned out to be abusive etc, my parents never failed to keep our connection going and be as welcoming to my partner as possible even though, knowing my mum well, I could see the subtle signs in her body language occasionally that she found him repellant. On reflection, I think their ability to behave so kindly and even-handedly meant two things. One, my partner didn’t try to isolate me from them as I know sometimes happened as he felt that they really liked him (they didn’t) and, two, my relationship with my parents remained very close, which I think made it easier to tell them about the problems with my partner sooner than I otherwise might have. I did hide these problems for a long time, but would’ve felt more isolated and hidden them longer if my parents hadn’t been so brilliant.

Not suggesting the partner here is abusive (can’t know either way) but my parents’ approach was helpful.

Material things like holidays and gifts become irrelevant in the context of broken families, in fact they are tinged with huge sadness because they just remind everyone what they didn't have. Even if you did have them,
You would have given it all up for a happy family.

It's better to focus on the quality and depth of relationships, things like acceptance, meeting everyone where they are at, letting go of expectations, communicating openly, honestly with compassion.

Yeah this.

I'd love to hear her side.

I really feel for you op.
This person is 4 years in and still can't muster up basic hello and goodbye that's pretty bad.
All the armchair psychology in the world can't change the fact that her behaviour to you is the kind of behaviour you would show towards an irrelevant stranger, in fact less than that.

If she is basically nice but struggles with a particular social problem I'd have thought this far in that you'd have been told about it by your ds so that it didn't cause misunderstanding, this hasn't happened.
Sadly rude people exist and maybe she's one of them.

My own in laws judged and hated me from the off (dh's dad asked to reconsider his choice on his stag do - spectacular timing !) they are very critical of everyone so the woman their ds chose was always going to be in for a rough ride.
Their assessment of me was very wide of the mark, it was hurtful for years.
I could easily have made things difficult between them and their ds but my own core values of family and treating people how I would like to be treated, means that 22 years on they have a warm relationship with their son and two gc and they finally (about 2 years ago) seemed accept I was a permanent fixture and not necessarily a bad one.
They see their happy ds, they see me supporting his life goals at every turn and their GC are lovely people - it took all that to get them to drop their dislike of me. I've never been less than polite and friendly even though time with them is exhausting because I can't relax.

So I suppose my personal view is that you sound like you've done all a person could in the face of behaviour that in the absence of any explanation is palpably rude.
Maybe she finds things hard but she could at least see you've made an effort in your own way and are trying.
Everyone's behaviour is the outward expression of who they are or how they feel about the people they are with...
Manners are just the social oil to the wheels that allows us to navigate social situations where there might not be a perfect meeting of souls. So we can be in company we wouldn't choose without causing offence.

Not bothering even with the smallest courtesy of hello and goodbye is dire, no wonder your gutted.

What the root cause is doesn't really matter because your ds isn't sharing any insight with you so all the confusion and social discomfort is unmitigated which must be tough.

I think the advice you got saying find something you can quietly like about her is good advice. Try to match her effort levels without being cold.
You need to stop investing effort though or you'll explode with the frustration and resentment of it all.

Good luck, I'd be feeling very much like you in your position. My ds is only 13 so maybe I will yet. Fingers crossed I won't though. Sympathy for you. 💐

UnintentionalArcher thank you that's interesting and very useful. I will do the best I can improve things. I know my son loves and values his family and I I tend to keep it that way.

@ohthejoys21 Is your son making much of an effort to go and visit her on her home turf, or is it always expected that she will come to him?

Do you know her parents or family at all? Getting together with them at some point may give you a much better insight into what kind of person she is, to hear them talking about her.

Such an insightful and articulate post, thank ypu. Your in-laws are very fortunate with you but I'm sure (I hope) they finally realise that now.

They are still very young so the relationship may not last. Does your DS still live at home? Maybe he would benefit from moving into a flat share with friends so he can have the time and space to properly transition to adulthood. I know it is cheaper to live at home but I think young people benefit from learning to make their own way so that when (if) they commit to a partner, they do so with a proper understanding of adult responsibilities. I know of people on sought after graduate schemes on mega money who are still being treated as the little prince at home; I wonder how that will play out when they move out.

If they do commit, I think your concept of ‘we’ in terms of the family will have to adapt. It’s not all about her fitting in with you.

You've had some constructive and some harsh feedback on this thread. As you seem to have realised, the way forward is to consider what you can change and maybe elicit different responses from her?

Is there anyone who would give you honest feedback about your role in all this? Remember it’s not the words that you use but your nonverbal cues / body language that communicate most powerfully. It's why we spot liars - their body language contradicts the words they speak.

Your opening post was very powerful about your feelings to this young woman. Maybe read it again and wonder how you are communicating those strong feelings to her and your son?

If you do speak with your son, I'd be very careful about what you say. Your very clear narrative from this threads is that she is the problem. If you want to improve this relationship then you have to dig deep and recognise how the hostility you feel towards her is being expressed and contributing to all this. Can you see that? Can you ask for open feedback and accept it without being defensive?

I wish he'd go to a flat share with friends! He wants to move in with her.. but can't afford to at the moment.

I have been in your exact position and know a number of other people who are too. My DIL was quite cold to us, her own family had all the long holiday visits while we were limited to a visit of 2 hours after a 2 hour drive to see them. We tried so hard but gradually we were cut out completely when the grandchildren arrived. In the end our DS had to ring us in secret as she made his life a complete misery if she didn't get her own way, and it ended in a messy divorce after lots of counselling. DS has always found it hard to explain what happened, he said he liked her because she seemed strong and independent, but it transformed into bullying and threatening control.
I on the other hand was very socially awkward growing up and found it difficult to speak to people I didn't know, so I do understand that sometimes I came across as a bit odd. I hope that is the case with your DIL. The only thing is to keep your communication lines open, and make sure to touch base with DS on a casual but regular basis. Good luck!

I will ask my dd for honest feedback, she's very perceptive, although struggles with her too. I will speak to my ds when I'm next with him alone and will obviously tread carefully. If he says she thinks I don't like her, I will ask him if there's anything specific I could do to change this.

My parents and siblings were awful to DH and me for being with DH. Way too much detail to get into. While we are all good now and all get along, it took two decades of our life to get there.

Glad you got there.

Ignore all the posts telling you it’s your fault op. You sound perfectly nice and reasonable. Funny how empathy only runs one way with all these grown adult oddballs who can’t muster up a hello in the right place.

You are right to be disappointed and fearful of where this goes. You’ve spent years of your life raising a son just to be rejected if you so much as raise a peep about his rude girlfriend. You shouldn’t have to deal with cold inappropriate behaviour but he has brought that to your door.

Smile through it, trust him, and find some really good mates to moan about it with.

You don't?

For my part, I would see that as taking too much upon myself. I understand a good deal about less than healthy family dynamics. By that reasoning I would pay my partner the compliment of knowing his own family better than I do, and of trusting that judgement.

Thank you.. yes I talk to my friends and their relief is palpable that they don't have it! We all have challenges though and there are many other things in my life I'm grateful for though.