Anyone else quietly disappointed in their adult child's choice of partner?

[ohthejoys21]

To state the obvious as ds is in his early 20's, I'm well aware it's not my business and his life.

But he's made his long term choice (intends to commit to her as soon as able) and despite not being depressed and having a full life, I feel like I'm carrying around this sadness.

No one in my family likes her. Even dd who loves everyone, She's rude and cold to us. Of course by now I'm sure she can sense we don't like her but we all made such an effort for so long. Never says hello/bye when she's here. My mother's brother died, she came round after the funeral and didn't even say hello to my mother. Generally brings out the worst in ds.

We can't say anything to him can we or we'll lose him. Not sure what I'm looking for here.. when I say I've tried, I really have. It's just awful and I'm so sad.

You have no idea whether or not she can help it. Plenty of people behave as they choose. You are not a medical professional, and you are certainly not her medical professional.

Speaking of assumptions, you've concluded that I think I'm a better person than her? Love you to point out where I have said that.

Do you not react to other people's behaviour in any good, bad or neutral way? Surely that is how humans interact?

Not a very helpful post but I'm glad you do a lot for your in-laws, my husband is incredible to my parents, in fact he's incredible to everyone around him.. perhaps I'll be accused of making an assumption?

Since when was having a quiet or loud personality a medical issue? She's a quiet person. I suppose she could choose to behave more extroverted, like OP would prefer, but then she'd be being fake. She can't help her innate personality. Maybe OP could try being quieter if it's so easy to just choose your behaviour?

The GF probably doesn't have any issue other than a MIL who wishes she had a different personality.

Yeah, the OP should definitely consider changing her behaviour, and not do unreasonable things like saying comforting words to the recently bereaved.

And maybe she hasn't got the life experience to know what to say on certain occasions? She showed up, that says something.

I didn't even know at my own wedding that I had to line up in a receiving line at the end until someone put me there. Lack of family experience and not having attended a wedding before.

I would expect a hello and goodbye from visitors but has she been taught that? I don't know her background.

OP I totally get you, I know of at least 5 cases where men/women have become alienated from their families over time and/or where is ongoing drama and strife due to the behaviour and attitudes of the DILs. In all cases, these are normal ordinary kind and welcoming people, not perfect but who is? So you have every reason to worry or wish things were otherwise, both for your own sake and for your sons. I often say it, people worry about education and careers etc but probably the single biggest influence on a person's quality of life or otherwise is the person they choose to spend their life with, not least because it affects all their other relationships too in a way a job or a house never would. Unfortunately, there is not a whole pile you can do about it other than continue to be warm and welcoming - but not go overboard or make a pretzel of yourself - and work around it. Some people are just cold and/or difficult and you are allowed to feel sad that this is the person your son has chosen to be with. There is a male in my immediate family like this and I've learned to live with it but I really wish it were otherwise.

"And maybe she hasn't got the life experience to know what to say on certain occasions? She showed up, that says something.

I didn't even know at my own wedding that I had to line up in a receiving line at the end until someone put me there. Lack of family experience and not having attended a wedding before.

I would expect a hello and goodbye from visitors but has she been taught that? I don't know her background."

Her turning up had nothing to do with the funeral- she had just come to see ds as she knew he'd be back by then.

I would absolutely expect a hello/goodbye from an adult without her having to be specifically taught. It's just basic manners. There might well be things in her background, as there are in anyone's, that I don't know about.. doesn't stop me feeling sad that he's chosen this.

I was probably a bit rude/distant to my in laws when I first met my DH at 21. I would say hang in there because I am much nicer and warmer now I have grown up!!! In hindsight I was just young and stupid and I didn’t really like them much and so I made no effort really!!! Awful now when I think about it! But we are are quite close now and I do actually really like them although they are very different to my own family. I’m not best mates with my MIL but we definitely get on and spend time together when we see each other. Hang in there!! What I will say is that now in our late 30s me and DH have had a lot of life experience together and as a result are quite strong as a team. I think this is a really great element to have in your relationship / marriage actually and I think is beneficial IF they are a good match and both really committed for the long term. I can see why many relationships fail especially if you have a baby and not much time together under the belt. It may well stand them in good stead in the long run! X

Thank you. You are so right.. a career can be changed, so much in your life can be changed, but the parent you choose for your children is the one thing that can't be, hence it being one of the most important decisions you make.

Thank you.. what do you think it was that made you make more of an effort with them?

You feel what you feel. Feelings are just that. I hope in time that you do build a relationship with her.

Do you always see her with the wider family? If she's the kind to be more comfortable in smaller groups you may find you get more in roads with her if you see her in a situation like just you, DH and your son and her for dinner.

I'm an introvert and I know plenty of other introverts - we're all polite. I can't imagine not saying hello or goodbye to someone in their own house.

@ohthejoys21 honestly I think it was just time- I grew up, and probably became more serious about my then boyfriend and now DH and I suppose we just merged more as a family. I did wonder when I read your op (I haven’t read all your other posts) whether she is very shy! I think maybe when I was younger I was quite shy or lacked confidence and so distanced myself and was a bit aloof, I can see for others this would have seemed rude but I was actually just quite shy and embarrassed so probably didn’t say much and came across as rude! Have you done anything together you and her? In your shoes I would try and be really warm and friendly; perhaps buy her a lovely gift on her birthday so she feels you do like her. Or you could suggest lunch or a coffee just the two of you. I think if she feels you don’t like her that will make things much worse and harder in the long run so I would definitely say you should fake it til you make it with regards to that. And remember that you do have one very big thing in common - you both love your DS! So you must have some similarities. Like you say it’s a hugely important choice in life and I think if your DS is invested in her then the sensible thing is for you to do the same. The nature of your bond with her will make a huge difference to all of you in your family (and your future family and grandchildren if any arrive), it’s too precious and valuable for all involved for you to back off and take a stand on her now this early on. Best of luck! Xx

She's lost her son because you are quiet and she's an extrovert? Some people really need to grow up.

Wow! So much for your professed fondness for “ lovely, low-key modes of interaction.”

Because lovely and low-key this ain’t.

Babyproblems thank you so much for that. I did buy her what I thought was a really thoughtful gift for her birthday. I think it would be to forced and weird to go out at this stage just the two of us but I'll just carry on being nice to her generally,I agree too much is at stake.

I can't help but notice the difference in the situation with his last girlfriend where we knew her parents and would go out for dinner as one big happy family this jumped out at me! If this girl knows that you had such a close and comfortable relationship with his ex and her family, I imagine she feels a complete disappointment, and knows that you would rather things had worked out with his ex.

My inlaws were best friends with the parents of DH's ex fiancé, so naturally they all did lots together. I met him shortly after he had ended their relationship. His parents weren't unfriendly towards me but my goodness they had high expectations for my involvement with them, particularly MIL, when I just wanted to date their son! (we were early/mid 20s).

My widowed mother, with no money, status or connections, wasn't someone they could relate to (nor she them), and I'm sure they must have opined often between themselves how they wished it had worked out with his ex, and the lovely, affluent, confident, one big family get togethers could have continued. But their son ruined that for them by wanting something else. It's tough knowing you're a disappointment and tends to knock your confidence around the people to whom you are a disappointment.

I actually have a lot of sympathy for you OP, but I think this girl finds you all overwhelming. I'm much older and wiser now and I too am confident, relatively affluent, comfortable in my own skin, but I was that socially awkward girl around well to do, 'big characters' (although I would always at least say hello!). She's dating your son, not you, and you need to lower your expectations if you want things to improve.

I struggled for years with my inlaws (MIL). Actually went NC for a while after yet another load of criticism reached me via DH, that I was difficult, didn't make them feel welcome, blah blah. It wasn't true and was so unfair, I just couldn't give them the DIL experience they hoped for and expected, and until they could respect that I was going to protect myself. Things evolved and we reached a level of understanding and mutual respect that continues to this day - 38 years on!

I would advise you to step back and stop trying so hard. Never criticise her to your son - he will get defensive and it will become a "them and us" situation. Stop asking her lots of direct questions, just make observations about things, eg TV -"I've been watching the Australian Traitors and much prefer our version. It's not the same without Claudia, her knitwear is just fabulous - I wonder if she chooses it herself?" Pets - "I saw a man who looked just like his dog yesterday. I think it's funny that owners eventually start to look like their dogs - I wonder why that is?" You get the gist. And I don't suggest you try to engineer one to one time with the gf - that will terrify her.

Fact is it's far more likely to run its natural course if you leave them be, than if you try too hard. The most important thing is is she good to your son? Does she champion him, support him, share his dreams and goals? If so, the rest will come over time.

Unfortunately there’s little you can do. He’s fallen for her and that’s who he’s chosen. What’s most important is not to alienate her. If you do then she will encourage him to limit his contact which is the last thing you want. I would keep being nice to her and including her in everything and maybe she will improve.

I don’t disagree with this post at all; however being familiar with some very insecure characters, I confidently predict the knitwear discussion would become “ she told me I should wear knitwear like Claudia” and if she has a dog I’d definitely steer well clear of the people look like their dogs conversation!🤣 Not disagreeing with your post but just adding the gloss that when people are inclined to feel “ got at” they can see an insult in everything.

I have 3 sons, they all have partners and children, two of them have previous long term partners. My advice is stop trying so hard, be casual, just say Hi and smile and get on with whatever is going on at the time.

My sons have chosen very different women, some are easy, some of the ex's I miss, some are very different to me. I just relate to them as they are, some I would choose some I wouldn't but it isn't my choice.

Try to relax, I have a feeling your "efforts" are overwhelming her a bit but don't say anything negative about her, don't be negative about his decisions.

@ohthejoys21 yes I can see a lunch or dinner might feel forced- could you orchestrate it so it’s a coffee or even eg go into town with your ds and him pop off to do an errand so you and her can just chat a bit! Do you have a daughter? If yes I always think that’s useful in these situations aswell as you could do a birthday lunch for your birthday with the girls together which gives you a nice reason to get together ‘as a family’ but including her. And also might be nice and helpful at a later date soonish to also meet her parents- that could a)give you some insight into her and her family but also help you all blend a bit more together. That definitely helped us all settle in as we got older and our parents are friendly which is great when we do all get together and even more so now we have a baby. She will never be like your own child and your relationship with her may never be exactly what you want but I would try and and imagine what your ideal relationship with your DIL would be like and start treating her like that. Xx

Sounds like she just doesn't like you very much and you don't like her. It doesn't have to be one person's fault or character flaw.
You seem to be desperately searching for it to be hers. Perhaps so it's not you?.

Try to see how difficult that must be for your son. He's the most important person here. He's already had a trauma with his father, had to get to know a new stepfather and probably doesn't need more drama from family now.

Just accept where you are, play the long game, calm down about it and your relationship may well naturally grow.

Look OP it is May 2024. Give yourself a year off thinking about it. Just match her intensity- reduce expectations. STOP discussing her with your mother negatively. Buy her nice presents, but step back and chill out. Stop catastrophing about the future.

see where you are in a year.

This happened in my extended family. A cousin married a man none of the family liked at all. He was superior, distant, made no bones he had no interest in her family and didnt see them as part of their future as a couple. I wish I could say there was a happy ending, but unfortunately 30 years on, it's still the same, and rather than a thawing from him, there's been increased distance from my cousin. However, importantly, that's on her. Because there was nothing to stop her continuing her own relationship with her family, and it speaks of her character that she chose to follow his lead. Hopefully despite his GFs attitude there is a strong enough foundation of love and loyalty from your DS to you, that you can continue your relationship with him around her.

At least blame is being laid where it belongs. She could have continued the relationship.

My mother and MIL share a birthday. My mother is getting a gift. Guess whose isn't? Guess who'll be blamed for that? Not her son whose job it was to buy it.