Anyone else quietly disappointed in their adult child's choice of partner?

[ohthejoys21]

To state the obvious as ds is in his early 20's, I'm well aware it's not my business and his life.

But he's made his long term choice (intends to commit to her as soon as able) and despite not being depressed and having a full life, I feel like I'm carrying around this sadness.

No one in my family likes her. Even dd who loves everyone, She's rude and cold to us. Of course by now I'm sure she can sense we don't like her but we all made such an effort for so long. Never says hello/bye when she's here. My mother's brother died, she came round after the funeral and didn't even say hello to my mother. Generally brings out the worst in ds.

We can't say anything to him can we or we'll lose him. Not sure what I'm looking for here.. when I say I've tried, I really have. It's just awful and I'm so sad.

Hi OP - I sympathise! My brother had a girlfriend (now a ex) who acted very similar with my mum. The girlfriend was very shy; she found my confident, extremely friendly mum intimidating.

Everyone is suggesting you kill with kindness, and you should of course continue to be pleasant… But in my experience it can make shy people feel even more pressure if you ask lots of questions or are really friendly - they can’t match it and can experience it as pressure.

It could be useful to stay pleasant but back off a bit as a way of taking the pressure off.

Also, surely there’s no harm in asking your DS what you could do to make her feel more comfortable at family gatherings? Also, do you have any common interests with her - no matter how small?

My brother was always sad that she didn’t make an effort with his friends or family - but defensive about it too. He’s definitely learned from the experience.

Abeona

"Get to know this person who only happens to be your son. Maybe it's him you don't actually like very much?

We don't get to choose the families we are born into, and many of us muddle along making the best of a somewhat alien situation until we can leave and choose to be around people more suited to us."

Sorry to disappoint/not fit your narrative but my son loves and values his family just as we do him. He certainly doesn't want to lose us.

This thread is bonkers. Surely if there was something underlying the issue anxiety/mutism, etc. then her DS would have bloody mentioned it by now? Presumably if he is a normal human being with eyes and a brain then he can see how her behaviour must come across?

My husband is very shy and finds social situations difficult, at least until he gets to know people. My parents are aware, and were aware from early on on our relationship. Thankfully my husband is also a nice human being and made an effort with my parents, as they did with him, and they have a lovely relationship as a result.

If this girl's mental difficulties are so severe that she can't even say hello/goodbye and observe some basic manners around her in-laws, then it would be ridiculous for her DS not to have said anything to explain her bizarre behaviour. And all the special snowflake posts to the contrary, berating the OP, are really strange. A sign of the times though sadly!

OP - I am sorry. I agree with others who have said you just need to reset your expectations of her. Be kind and welcoming (as it sounds you already are) but not OTT, and do so ONLY in the sake of preserving your relationship with your DS. Not in the hope of getting anything back from her. I hope in the future she thaws out and you can find something to love/like about her, but in the meantime you just need to fake it and do your best to give her zero ammunition if she does, indeed, turn out to be a controlling cunt in the long run.

Good luck!

Blimey!
how have you come to this conclusion from the original post

That sounds lovely but the going out to dinner as one big happy family with both sides like that is surely unusual?

I have no problem with quietness, it's the coldness but I will try my best next time she's here to find some way to love her. I do think for her to be receptive, I will have to have a word with my son and tell him I want to have a better relationship with her.

Yes I can feel that the coldness is what is hurtful. And I can hear that you have tried really hard to make her feel welcome.
But is it possible her coldness is still a defence mechanism to give her a layer of self-protection if she is very introverted. Is she cold because she’s timid or because she is being deliberately mean and spiteful ?
Does she appear to know she is being hurtful ?

I do question her motive, if she has one …. if she really didn’t like you, would she continue to keep coming to your house. As long as she keeps coming, you have a chance to find a way to love her.

I also wanted to ask…have you ever observed her interactions with her own family ?
Would it be appropriate to invite her with her parents ? The interactions between them might be revealing or in some way helpful.

I also wanted to add that if and when she does become a mum, she may suddenly feel more confident with you all and less off-hand /cold. So please don’t lose hope. I know it’s hard.

This sounds hard.
But you can only control how you react op.

I mean this kindly, it seems like this projection you are making about the future is harmful to your present situation. It's like you're blaming this girl for something that hasn't happened yet.

You're annoyed with her for the possibility that she might not let you see, as yet unborn grandchildren at some point in the future.

You say she probably thinks you think she isn't good enough. You do think this.

You say she doesn't like talking much but you keep trying to engage her. This might feel a bit annoying or stressful to her.

Can you try to look objectively at what it is your son loves about her?
Does she make him happy? Why do you think this is.
Focus on the good stuff op. Let them be.
Being annoyed about scenarios that may or may not happen way off in the future is not serving you.
You might grow to like her.
She's young. Manifesting some positivity will help you here.

Good luck.

EveningSpread, I'm so pleased your brother learned from his experience and hope he's now happy. I'm not a raving extrovert at all, but dh, his family and our friends/community are definitely confident, outgoing people.

We took her skiing with dh's family a while back, she hardly spoke and ended up separating herself and ds from the group.

Maybe she found their definite outgoing nature overstimulating and exhausting? She is who she is.

JacketPotatoFoodOfTheGods thank you. If he's going to end up with her which it looks like is the case, I will try any way to improve things and not to escalate.

That's a very naive point of view. MN relationship boards are littered with examples of women who have been alienated from family and friends by controlling and abusive partners. These things don't happen overnight, it's a gradual process of sulking and punishment (emotional, physical, financial) for seeing the friends/family, so eventually the abused partner is conditioned (trained) to stop seeing other people as the consequences are too painful. When a victim is isolated from their support network they are far easier to control.

It's far more complex than, oh well they must have wanted to go NC too.

@Stravaig ’s post made a lot of sense to me.

It may well be that the DS has always behaved as he knows he is expected to in front of the family, just for an easy life. It may well be that the previous relationship with the x GF went on long after its shelf life had expired simply because the families were so enmeshed. It may well be that he has now grown a spine and tasted freedom and true love with current GF.

She is his choice OP, you disrespect that at your peril.

(……and no, I’m not the current GF. I’m 70 with all the life experience that brings).

Whenever I hear someone blame the partner I always wonder what the other side of the story is. My DH's relationship with his parents was only maintained because I invited them, sent them gifts, reminded him to call them, sent them photos, organised letters, etc. When he had to do it on his own because I'd had enough of wife work that was never appreciated and never good enough, he didn't bother. But it's all my fault. I know there are cases where there is alienation but I always do wonder at the other side when I hear a MIL complain that the partner has alienated her (usually) son.

@Takeaways seriously though don't you judge your husband for not bothering with his family? With the exception of abuse I don't think I could have respect for a man who just didn't bother with his family

OP, if the GF is quiet, do you always see her with everyone else around, or have you ever had time with just your son, her and yourself? If she does find larger groups or more outgoing groups too much for whatever reason, maybe she'll open up more if things are quieter? Or maybe not.

His mother is difficult, to be fair, and she doesn't make the effort either. She is very much you relate to her on her terms and as she wants, or you're not okay.

Do I judge him? I think I find it more odd than anything. It's foreign to me to behave like this with family without even trying to work out differences. I think I judge MIL more because she created a son who isn't allowed to raise issues (he's not) and the mode of operation in the family does seem to be avoid rather than resolve. I tried to solve this for years and regret that I did. It's for them to work it out and, if they can't (more like, don't even try), why is it my job and fault alone?

Play the long game, you have everything to win. Not overly nice or trying too hard, just welcoming and polite.

Like others have said, keep that sadness private. Pick any positive thing you can about her and tell your son you like that about her.

Also, although it might really seem like this is his ‘one’ you might be surprised. At the beginning of relationships, it’s typical for men to behave like he is with her - super loyal and protective.

@Takeaways I don't think it's your fault at all I just think there are a lot of me who without the effort of their partners wouldn't bother with their family and I think the focus should be on them much more than it is now if it's going to be on anyone.

I don't know why it is that men often don't make as much effort with their families. Is it because they see their mother doing all the wife work of social organisation so it's not on their radar? I suppose I was in charge of the 'wife work' of organising kid schedules, so maybe it's easier to leave visits to me. But when I think about it, it was a bit inconsiderate that I had to drag three preschoolers to the store to buy the gift and to the post office to send it back when I did it. It would have been much easier for him to do it without kids in tow.

And as an afterthought, I'd have loved it if my MIL had come to see ME during the week to spend time with me and the children. I capitalise me because a visit from someone who wants to see the kids and have me get away isn't so appealing on a relationship level.

I do wonder if my SIL sabotaged that relationship somewhat. When my first baby was born her and mIL would sometimes stop by to drop something off (randomly). I did sometimes ask if they wanted to come in (MIL in the car). I suspect SIL never relayed the invitation and made it look like I wasn't interested. I have good reason to suspect this, though I don't know, just wondering.

It's been 4 years.. she's not going anywhere. When I hear my friends speaking of how much they love their dil's and how they've become part of the family yes I do think how much I'd love that, but I do keep the sadness private.

How have you diagnosed the gf with selective mutism?

I think it is really important to challenge your assumption that you are a 'better' person than her @ohthejoys21 . I don't think you can hide that and it is probably a large part of the reason that she does not feel comfortable with you.

I get the impression that you have a lot of assumptions about people, behaviour, intention more generally that you haven't challenged.

I think my in laws probably found me quiet and aloof, but 20 + years later, they genuinely love me and I can confidently say that I do more for them and think of them more than any of their sons. Their most outgoing, socially confident son is really selfish and quite a trial to them at this stage in their lives.

I haven't. I was giving a personal example of lack of communication in a family member. Others have suggested it but not me.

Fine then, how have you diagnosed the gf with "issues she can't help"?

She's too quiet for OP. Apparently her personality is an issue for OP. She can't help if she's quiet and she shouldn't even have to change her personality to be what her MIL wants her to be, not who she really is.