Teacher favouring one child in class all the time! My kid is upset!

[regretnot]

Teacher of reception age kids is favouring one particular boy all the time! It’s very obvious too, he’s in every photo, he’s always got loads of stickers, winning, in top sets, a definite golden child.

my son is similar in ability and paired with him in certain situations ..

behaviour and character wise they are different! My son is a strong character, bright, takes no fool and is slow to warm.. the other kid is what I would call ‘easy’ temperament, always smiling, easy..

however, lately my son has become upset about going to school.. I think the golden child has been Favoured over him many times and it’s now rubbing off..

he asked me “why is x always chosen and going first and not me?”

What do I do about this??

I don’t want to tell the teacher she is favouriting a child but in the same breath my child is clearly being impacted here..

what would you diplomatically do??

You choose to be part of society and a community and for that to be successful you / your child need to follow the rules.

If you don't want to follow the rules then by all means remove your child from the community and home educate them instead.

It is valuable to learn which behaviours are appropriate in certain environments and learning to 'play the game'. The quicker you learn to play the game the more successful you'll be. If getting rewards at school is important for your child then analysing his behaviour Vs the other child and seeing where they differ and why one behaviour is prized at school and the other isn't.

The teacher has to provide differentiated work for all of the children so that the ones who are more ahead aren't bored by the lack of stimulation and work to stretch them, but those who aren't so developed aren't overwhelmed with work that is too difficult for them.

In an ideal world, every child would have their own scheme of work, perfectly tailored to their needs. In the real world, a teacher will probably provide three schemes of work to cater to the top third, middle third and lower third of the children. It is then easier to put the children into groups of similar ability for the activities.

I do know that these days you aren't allowed to allude to any child being more or less clever which is why classes for younger children are divided into tigers, lions and zebras or red, green and blue, rather than being set 1, set 2, set 3 etc.

Maybe you should homeschool?

Wow. All becomes clear….

Strange you like the awards of capitalism but nothing else.

regretnot · Today 09:55
I do believe in kids having a spirit, in being allowed to push back and have their own minds.. I encourage this..
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an easy smiling kid is great if that’s their natural nature but we don’t want obedient children!! That breeds the current style of capitalist workforce, surely we want authentic thought provoking creative thinkers..
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I don’t believe in kids being obedient, which the whole school system is based off of let’s face it.. yes sir, no sir, 3 bags full sir!
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I guess my parenting style isn’t conducive to the school environment..”

Ah, all is revealed.

OP, your DC is in private school, aren’t they?

If so, you’ve signed a contract with the school, and if you’ve signed up to a yes sir, no sir, three bags full sir, private school, then that’s what you are going to get.

That was your choice.

If you’re so anti-establishment, why are you so offended that your son isn’t teacher’s favourite?

You're taking a reception aged child's word as gospel? It's never the full tale ime ds is 10 and I've learnt over the years that children's accounts are always biased towards themselves with things like this

Thanks @MagpiePi I realise there are tailored work in schools and they do usually separate the work into 3/4 ‘sets’ as it were. But this isn’t the case for reception aged children.
Reception isn’t structured in that sense. It’s more play based learning and the teachers learn more watching them. They have 3 basic subjects to cover (English Maths and Science) but reception is mainly teaching the children communication and language.

You can teach a child to be curious and push back when needed whilst also understanding that they have to follow the same rules as everyone else when in school etc. I would describe my children as spirited. But they're also well behaved, respectful and know when to do what is expected of them. It doesn't sound, reading between the lines that you encourage any of this in your son and the longer you fail to give him guidance on what's expected of him in school the longer he's likely to be passed over for all these opportunities that you say he desperately wants. Ultimately, it seems your refusal to rein him in a bit is what's costing him the opportunities and you're doing him a disservice.

Imagine a whole class full of children who aren't obedient. How much learning do you think would happen? How safe would they be if the whole class didn't obey the teacher?

You need to work with your son on developing his creativity and independence while understanding that there are boundaries he must adhere to.

I suggest you make an appointment with the teacher to discuss your son's behaviour at school and his desire to win accolades and the teacher's approval. Ask the teacher how you can help him.

Is strong character a polite way of saying disobedient and a pain in the arse? How does he get along with his peers? If his peers don’t like him then your parenting has done him a disservice. On a social level, most kids would rather the smiley than grumpy/aggressive (if that is what you mean)

If your child is argumentative then they are doing the rest of the class/group a massive disservice by wasting time.

I’m surprised that you hold your opinions on schools yet send your kids to one. While I agree that it’s often too rigid and about round pegs fitting in round holes, my kids were raised knowing that while they are special to me, they are one of 30 in the class so behave respectfully and have been really liked by the teachers that they’ve had.

Exactly. This is essentially about learning that actions and choices have consequences.

Translation - I'm jealous that my son isn't the golden wonder child.

Theres a difference between being assertive and thoughtful (as in thinks about things not being kind) and being disruptive. Learning is collaborative at this age and he is going to miss out if he can’t learn to collaborate with his peers or his teacher.

This isn’t about obedience it’s about being respectful towards other people even when you disagree. If he’s intelligent he will rapidly meet people who are smarter than him and he’ll look foolish if he isn’t able to be curious with humility.

Or I'm jealous that my son isn't the golden wonder child and I don't think it's fair that being well behaved attracts less positive feedback than being badly behaved because I actually encourage my son to behave badly.

To be fair, I can see it from the son's point of view. He is behaving exactly as mum has taught him to behave and he can't understand why this behaviour isn't being rewarded in school. Poor kid.

We have to collaborate to get by in society. Seems that your son is learning this valuable life lesson.

Right. You're one of those parents.

"we don't want obedient children" How do you see that working in a class of children who all need to be taught? We need children who know how to behave in all situations and how and when to question things, we don't need disobedient children. Imagine the adults disobedient children grow into - how do you see that working out?

Take my middle child. It turns out he has ADHD but that's kind of irrelevant other than giving some insight into how he was as a child at school. He was stubborn, strong willed, "spirited" and impulsive (and very bright but again, probably irrelevant really). He is still all of those things as an adult but he is also an adult who knows how to behave in society.

surely we want authentic thought provoking creative thinkers

Yes, but we want them to be able to behave and function in society too.

I think the thing you should focus on is that its all about your child wanting to be first and you think he's being impacted by not being so. There are probably 25+ other children in the class as well, that neither you nor he is thinking about.

Your child has probably noticed this child being praised for being nice and well behaved because he is paired with him - there are probably other nice, well behaved children in the class as well.

Can you explain to your DS that he either behaves better for such an award, or he admits to himself it isn't worth it and let it go.

This 100%. OP says ‘maybe my parenting isn’t conducive to school environment’ yet puts her son in this environment and then sits and wonders why he’s not the favourite. The child obviously doesn’t understand what behaviour is appropriate because parent is teaching him the opposite. Son is now upset, confused, and resentful of classmates. I feel sorry for the boy, and the teacher.

Oh my...

Private school - way to fight that man, OP 🤣

an easy smiling kid is great if that’s their natural nature but we don’t want obedient children!! A

I’m grateful to the other parents who have raised obedient and happy kids. They became my children’s friends and did not hurt them physically or emotionally because they had empathy and kindness. If everyone was pushing back all of the time, schools couldn’t operate and we’d all end up in prison for not getting our way all of the time. Even the best case scenario in that case would be everybody constantly angry and stressed because being angry takes energy when life as a child should be happy.

I'm not sure children are all that reliable, when my son was eyfs he told me his teacher lived in the cupboard at school and many other crazy tales.

My favourite was when he caused me sheer panic by saying I hope James won't hurt me today. Turned out James left the school 6 months prior having moved to Coventry. When I asked him about this he said yes, Miss X sent him there because he is not very nice!