Anybody else desperately trying not to contact a guy?

[FuckSakeGetAGrip]

I am, and it's honest to god wrecking me.

Please tell me someone else is struggling too.

I'll hold your hand if you'll hold mine...

A little part of me is worrying that he is ok. 🙄

This is making me even more determined as I already have a good man so why the fuck am I giving this guy any headspace

Try and ignore that part. You may kind of want it to be the case that he has been unable to contact you, rather than that he simply doesn’t want to.
That’s because the pain of the rejection hurts so much that we will do anything to try and make it stop. Including explaining away their behaviour as we have already said.
He is ok, he is not worried if you are ok. You need to use that energy to worry if YOU are ok

This!

Unless he's in a coma or has suddenly died, there's no reason to have sex with someone and be unable to contact them. Sorry, but it's true.

Another part of me feels ashamed for not being upset this time.

He's not worrying about you though, is he? Not done any of the gentlemanly aftercare, has he? He's fucked you then disappeared off the face of the Earth. He's no catch.
@namechangeforthis5 Absolutely. In the end I put so much effort into trying to keep the other man's attention that I was putting very little effort into my marriage. I was basically the Alan Rickman character from Love Actually. Never again.

Why on earth would be ashamed about this? Are you saying it’s a bad thing that you’re not upset this time?

I feel like I've done something that has upset him but I'm too gormless to have worked out what it is.

I highly doubt this. Even if this was the case, then a normal person would talk to you about it. Not disappear.
You seem to be trying to blame yourself a lot. I truly think that the first step to stopping any more of this being treated badly is to work on your self esteem. You say you’re ashamed and gormless - those aren’t the words of someone who loves themselves.

@Frith2013 ive just realised this was me before I had some therapy to help with low self esteem. And not just with him in all my life.
@LizaMinnellisFurCoat yes I can relate. And I would never have done that in real life.

This thread has been so helpful, just read from start to finish. It's given me strength and I have copied a few bits as quotes to my notepad to read to myself in the night.

Today's been a tough day. Nights are the worst. I am in a workplace situation so can't go entire no contact. This does not help. I don't want to leave because so many friends are here and my support network, hoping he will go instead as he's more senior and more incentive.

So grateful to the op for starting this. Mines hot and cold, we have a connection and read each others minds apparently,🙄 he can sense how I feel. 🤔 tried the friends route and last time after 4 months of no contact- then a chat instigated by him where I felt we were honest about giving friends another try. So i was really happy, i cant lie. Cue me being friendly, as i would with anyone and... he's just blanked me. Why do that?? Why make the effort? I did say let's just carry on like this if its working - but he wanted to talk again. So now he's not talking. So that makes sense?!

I feel he's just fucking with me, its got to be an ego thing? I want it to be that hes conflicted. I know what I have to do but its so. Fucking. Painful. And nothing ever physically happened, honestly if it had maybe I'd be done now. Solidarity to you all, your posts have helped me. I hate this whole thing and I hate most that i still bloody want him.

OK, my message now has a tick next to it so it has been received and he is still alive. I hadn't checked for a while so that has happened in the last few hours.

It hasn't been read and there is no longer the "last online" time (which had been Saturday evening).

I'll stick with my first message about this. Unless there has been some appalling catastrophe, this is the end.

But, if there was a catastrophe, would you first thought be to block someone on FB messenger?!

I know when he's going out to a hobby so I will drop his stuff out while he is out.

To amend the above.

He HAS read it.

You ok? Xx

thats what we used to text when we weren’t…..

Miss this

I think everyone on this thread would really benefit from reading ‘Doing the work’ and Be the love you seek. The first one really looks at childhood issues that follow us in to adulthood and cause that feeling of unable to let go of someone or allowing people to give you crumbs.

There is also a podcast by a woman that’s obviously read the book Doing the work and puts her take on it. It’s very good but she swears a lot!

I’ve been in similar relationship throughout my life, but if you learn the reasoning behind it - it’s a bit of a lightbulb moment and you can move on much quicker and work at not allowing it to happen anymore. It’s not really the men you’re pining for it’s your self worth. If they contact you, you feel worthy again.

But your worthy anyway 💐

I’ve woken up feeling like shit this morning. We still have to do the whole handing over of the stuff cliche but I don’t feel ready to do that. Also trying not to talk to mutual friends about it either which is tough.
It’s the whole “how can anyone treat another person this way” thing that’s really getting me down. I need to keep trying to remember all the bad stuff he did and try and realise that I’m well shot of him but it’s not easy. Just want the pain to stop.

Mine just said he'd been busy for 2 days. It was a credible reason but not for being offline continuously for 48 hours.

He messaged distractedly last night (so obviously catching up replying to other messages). Said to let him know when I needed help with a project I'm doing at home.

I said I had been worried about him but he seemed confused as to why.

It's weird. If anyone else didn't text for 2 days, I wouldn't notice. My own adult child goes on and offline and doesn't read my messages for ages, but I know it doesn't matter and he will eventually. I don't know why these unsuitable men are so important to us.

I think it’s because they keep up in an anxious state with the blowing hot and cold. You feel secure in your relationship with your adult child and so don’t have to question where you stand with them.

Keeping you in this state keeps your nose pressed right up against it and stops you seeing the bigger picture. It keeps your brain in a space where it’s obsessing over whether or not you’ll hear from him and when he was last online etc.

If you take some space for yourself, take control of the situation either by telling him you need some space or just not replying at all, not only will that give your self esteem a little boost but it’ll also give you the chance to take a step back and look at the whole relationship.

Ive not spoke to mine in a couple of weeks. I deleted his number and he isn’t on social media so I can’t contact him. It’s been hard but it’s also taken my brain out of wondering if I’m gonna hear from him that day and looking at the entire thing and realising how badly he treated me and what an arse he was. Why would I want validation from a complete prick? Don’t I want it from myself? Easier said than done but this is what I keep trying to remind myself.

“It's weird. If anyone else didn't text for 2 days, I wouldn't notice. My own adult child goes on and offline and doesn't read my messages for ages, but I know it doesn't matter and he will eventually. I don't know why these unsuitable men are so important to us.”
In any relationship, the initial high and limerant first flush of feelings/ ‘honeymoon period’ has a shelf life, no matter how good the relationship. At this point it either deepens into something else or fizzles out. In any relationship which is dogged with obstacles, or contact is reduced/ risky due to circumstances, the limerant stage can get deeper and more obsessive and lasts longer than if you were together often/ every day and the relationship could progress normally. That’s why it seems weird, you know the obsessive stage is going on longer than it should.
At the beginning of a relationship we show our ‘best selves’ but with time who we really are starts to emerge, things that we wouldn’t have done through sheer mortification initially (share a bathroom, be ok with farting in front of each other (dear God 😆) etc ) becomes ok and familiarity sets in. The saying ‘familiarity breeds contempt’ is a bit harsh but partly true, the more easy access to / time spent with a person reduces limerance either to the ick or a deeper feeling.
The obstacles keep the limerance going way longer than normal, hence many really heady affair relationships (Yes, I know some survive) eventually fail once the obstacles are removed, reality kills the fantasy/ risk hit of it all. They find out who each other really are.

Other adages like ‘treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen’ carry a lot of weight. This doesn’t seem to be lost on a lot of the men in question here, they know that blowing hot and cold keeps you guessing/ afraid it’s all over and therefore it keeps them in your head, occupying your thoughts. Will he/ won’t he/ has he/ hasn’t he/ does he/ doesn’t he….. rinse and repeat.
The good news is that cold turkey works. It won’t work immediately but the crucial part is that when you weaken, don’t beat yourself up, pick yourself up instead and try again. And again and again. Don’t give up. Lack of contact initially is agony, but eventually it will become indifference. Hard to imagine now, but true.
You are worth more than crumbs, more than a secret half life, more than having your mind plagued with obsessions. You all deserve a relationship with someone who prioritises you, wants to have you fully in their lives and values you enough to never treat you in a way which leaves you anxious and checking for messages.
Don’t want to sound patronising but I’m loving the success a lot of you are having, your self esteem progress and strength is obvious so keep going and just imagine the freedom and peace of mind ahead without all this. The struggle is hard but so worth it. My limerant phase was years ago but I can remember the anxiety, the checking, the longing, the tears and the sheer time-wasting so well. I serious thought I would never, ever get over him but now I can see he was a total player and an utter twat.

Screenshotting this to keep reading again and again! Thank you!

Thank you. Brilliant words and advice. Keep reading it whenever I feel weak. Two weeks now and I genuinely have no feelings about him. No interest in texting him. He was lovely to me but also really horrible. He can ‘do one’ as he used to like saying to me.

It’s actually been only one week but feels like ages.

@namechangeforthis5 I think it feels like ages because you don’t realise what a huge amount of head space/ time was given to it all. There’s a hole there now where the obsessing once was and it probably feels odd now or like something is missing.
There is something missing in this space: you! Fill the space in your head he used to occupy with stuff which feeds your soul, you are ‘hungry’. His crumbs left you starving and hanging around for more.
The easy thing to do is just go back to the wondering about him and then you realise you’re doing it again. That’s why this is so hard, you can’t just stop and ‘go back to normal’ because all this occupied a space in your life and that space will still be there, waiting for you to show up instead of him, so fill it with things that are good for you. Maybe plan stuff to do/ think about when it gets bad that always prioritises you and your well-being. No getting frustrated with yourself, no more: ‘I’m useless at this, I’m an idiot for thinking about him. I deserve to feel bad because etc etc etc’, it erodes self esteem and makes you want a ‘hit’: just ‘what am I going to do for Namechange today?’ instead.

I agree with the above.

However! 😁

I feel like this in a lot of friendships/with colleagues. I'm anxious about EVERYTHING and honestly believe people are relieved when my shift ends and they can chat without me being there. I think that people hate me and am convinced of that until they prove otherwise. If I see someone I know e.g in a cafe, I'll wave but won't go over because I think they will be dismayed that I've turned up.

I don't invite people to my house usually because I think they'll be assessing it and how I live. I don't answer phone calls because it's too much.

I've tried explaining how I feel to people and they look completely bewildered.

Everything is over thought until I get to the point like yesterday of thinking "well, offline for 2 days? He must be dead in a ditch" rather than working outside in the Welsh Marches with zero phone reception.

I do also realise that he is an unsuitable man!

Right now I'm going into Waitrose cafe and I feel like a sack of potatoes, that i haven't parked my car perfectly straight, that i should have gone straight home after work instead of spending £2 on a drink and a nice sit down.

I went to work this morning and didn't go to a different department to talk to a friend because I felt like I have nothing to tell her. Then I asked for help with something so that person must be signing and tutting now.

This is all day, every day.

I have had years and years of counselling, psychiatric nurse appointments and psychologists.