Anybody else desperately trying not to contact a guy?

[FuckSakeGetAGrip]

I am, and it's honest to god wrecking me.

Please tell me someone else is struggling too.

I'll hold your hand if you'll hold mine...

Ah good good. I was really struggling earlier but went out this evening for a hobby and feeling better now

Hey everyone. I haven't been on here for a couple of weeks as I hadn't heard from my EA guy for a while and rehashing it on here ended up making it harder. Once I stopped coming on here I realised I found it easier not to think about him.
BUT...the evening before last....which was 7 weeks since I told him not to contact me...4 weeks since I emailed him asking how he has and got no reply....I got an email. Email is how we communicate, no phone numbers as it's too risky. But the email was blank! No subject, nothing in the body. Of course my mind goes into overdrive, did he mean to? Why blank? Was it a mistype??
Half an hour later, another email. 'Ok' in the subject, a blank body.
Wtf?? Is he messing with my mind on purpose? I didn't reply as I was super busy and super busy last night. Now I'm sat down with a glass of wine and wondering what to do. Should I respond, something silly like 'wow what a great conversationalist you are!", should I send 'are you ok?' or should I leave it completely? I know the latter is best but I will struggle....
I like the fact that clearly it means he was thinking about me! And hasn't just forgotten about me like I thought he had. But do I want to open this up again?? I have been doing really well. But I really want to know why he sent that....

Tell me what to do!

Hi there @Boredbutcantstopscrolling. I get you about the not rehashing. I realised last week I was posting on here a lot and needed to wean myself off. Although it’s been very therapeutic I need to not keep rehashing it as well. Anyway I think you should leave it and not reply.

@namechangeforthis5 it is isn't it, that's why I kept reading all the posts because it kinda helped to realise so many others were in similar situations, but it just kept me thinking about it all the time too.
Oh I know I should do that. But it's hard

What hobby did you go out and do last night? How have you been feeling today?

One with kids. It’s very rewarding. I feel great today actually thanks. I thought it would feel harder but it’s been fine. Hardly thought about him at all.

I know it’s hard but do you want to go back there

No. Not really. It's been a lot easier in terms of guilt, not constantly wondering when I can next message him easily etc.
But I do miss it/him.

Yeah I do get that but it will pass. I felt the same last week

Actually I’ve feeling a bit off last few days. Don’t know if it’s him or just that I don’t have my emotional coping mechanism anymore

@Boredbutcantstopscrolling don't do it. I bet you’ll regret it as soon as you do.

something similar happened with mine last week, he viewed my LinkedIn profile which he knows would notify me (Neither of us have any other social media and we no longer see each other face to face). My friend thinks he’s doing it deliberately in the hope I’ll message, but I don’t think so. I have quite a few posts with pictures of me (necessary for my job role) so sorry to sound crass but I think he’s just after some wank fodder.

Anyway, he looked again this week and I’m just ignoring, even though I’m missing him a lot at the mo. No good can come of it. I know he’s respecting my wishes but if he really wanted to message, he would, we’ve been back and forth with this game for years.

Stay strong. As one wise PP said, when they leave you hungry, leave them starving (which he clearly is!)

Good luck!

Wow @Boredbutcantstopscrolling he was really fishing with that stupid blank email.

You sound like you know you were better off without him.

What have you decided to do?

What's up @namechangeforthis5

It's me again, the OP, under about my 10th NC in recent weeks!

Lol. Nothing wrong with that. Just I am used to him being my go to distraction and when I have something on my mind I use him as a distraction tool. It’s bad really.

Know exactly when you mean. My mind does preoccupy itself unfortunately but I'm pretty much past acting on it. It's done.

Good. So am I. I’m waiting for him to text me though as he will at some point. Hoping there’s enough distance by then. I’m managing to find other distractions and enjoyment in my family so it’s all good. I’m very lucky. Glad you’re doing good. You sound so positive 😊

I’m not sure whether to text him and tell him or ask him to call me tomorrow. It’s a bit cowardly to do it on a Sunday but he barely used to reply to me on Sundays saying he was ‘really busy’

So maybe it will stop any further discussion. Then again his wife might see and I couldn’t do that to her

Do you really need to though? What do you want from him?
For me it's been almost a full calendar month with no contact and it's likely to be 2 weeks at least before there's a chance I'll see him in person. I did want him to contact me at first because I wanted the last word, and if I’m being completely honest, I suppose I wanted him to miss me. But that doesn't matter to me any more. Now that I've had a chance to reflect, I realise that he stopped being caring, thoughtful and charming soon after I started reciprocating. The less effort he made, the harder I tried to stay in his life. He must have felt amazing watching me fall over myself to keep his attention while he did absolutely nothing to earn it.
I thought of how it felt when I realised I was in love with my husband, and it wasn't passionate or exciting in any way, it was an ordinary moment where I just felt completely secure and happy. This guy has never made me feel like that. The moments of happiness are always followed by days or weeks of sadness, rejection and uncertainty. I don’t even want a friendship with this guy. The man I thought he was is just an image. I don’t hate him or anything, but I think I'm moving towards indifference which feels healthy to me.

. Now that I've had a chance to reflect, I realise that he stopped being caring, thoughtful and charming soon after I started reciprocating. The less effort he made, the harder I tried to stay in his life. He must have felt amazing watching me fall over myself to keep his attention while he did absolutely nothing to earn it.

This is exactly what I think about myself and I can relate to what you’re saying about how you feel about your husband compared to the guy. Honestly I could’ve written exactly what you said. I think I just feel bad not telling him which is fucking stupid as I owe him nothing. You’re right. Thank you x

Any time. Telling him just lets him know that you're still thinking of him and gives him permission to keep giving you nothing in return. Imagine what an ego boost that must be! It'll be equally addictive for him, and if you let him know that he already occupies your thoughts, he knows he only has to give very little to get a high return. Once he gets that hit from you, he can go back to doing nothing and you'll still carry on giving him that ego boost. When you go cold turkey you're cutting him off too. Otherwise the cycle continues until one of you gets caught. Don't feel bad for him. He's an adult, he's fine.

Please may I join?
I posted about this guy on the AIBU board yesterday.
I have deleted his number so can’t text on impulse but I know I could get hold of his number again easy enough if I wanted to.

For me, I am trying to rationalise it by saying that I am in pain and I want the pain to stop. Getting even a few breadcrumbs of validation may take the pain away temporarily but it’ll only come back. The only permanent way to stop it hurting is by giving it time and never going back for a repeat of previous behaviour.

I heard this the other day "Don't keep stirring the shit in the toilet because it reminds you of the great meal it once was. Flush it and let it go." I think it applies here.

I didn't respond. I knew I'd regret it. Plus, what is there to say to a blank email! I like what someone said abouy if he leaves me hungry, leave him starving.

It's my birthday in a couple of weeks so I reckon he'll message me then anyway. But I'm definitely going to leave him starving 👌

Well done @Boredbutcantstopscrolling 🙌🏻

Love this