Anybody else desperately trying not to contact a guy?

[FuckSakeGetAGrip]

I am, and it's honest to god wrecking me.

Please tell me someone else is struggling too.

I'll hold your hand if you'll hold mine...

Welcome @BathshebaAndGabriel my guy sounds like yours lol. When we did work at same place he seemed like such a cool guy lol. I was essentially told he’s a sleaze. I think it’s a sunken cost fallacy like I’ve got this far for nothing so carry on but my DH is so much more so why not channel it into him. @JustWannaBeWorthIt thats right we are the same! And yeah you’re right to be kind to yourself. For me it’s not exactly trauma but a sense of low self worth that’s got me here. I am better than that though and it’s got me into more self loathing so being kind to myself and realising yeah I fucked up but I knew it was wrong and have taken action now. I do feel embarrassed when I remember what I was like and now I’m just moving on. Onwards and upwards ladies!! Thank you to all of you for this invaluable thread

Funnily enough an opportunity to see him just got presented to me. It would involve booze which is...dangerous. Will need to think about this one. Would be far better not to, but we do share a friend group in some ways.

Well you are in a better place so I think you would deal with it fine. Could you control the booze intake ?

I know the pressure at these things so that’s why I ask

I mean...not sure on the booze intake thing, last time we went out in the same group I slightly front loaded the booze as I was nervous.

I think I'm better now though. Well I definitely am. Last time the wild texting was pretty full on leading up to it but this time there's basically no communication so the context is very different.

Isn't it interesting how life presents us these things when we don't look for it.

Yeah it is. I honestly think you’ll be fine. You were before and like you said it was quite loaded in the run up and you were nervous. Maybe this situation has presented itself for a reason?

Oh interesting take! Yes that's maybe it - a test I can pass that'll represent closure.

Well yes but please don’t put pressure on yourself.

Right, listen to me. you can do this!

I cut contact with my EA partner 15 months ago. The first three months were awful and I thought about him all the time - I would cry every time I was alone, scrawl through old photos (he was a very good friend before we fell in love) and write out messages to him that I never sent. The following three months were also pretty grim (crying over him after a wine and all that embarrassing rubbish) and in the six months following that I still thought about him but wasn’t in the depths of despair the way I was in those first few months.

I still love him and I always will. But I won’t be the one to end his marriage as that’s not who I am or who I want to be.

I swear to you, it does get easier. If you contact him now, you will have to start all over again. I still get the urge to message him and tell him new and exciting things that are happening inmy life, but the boundaries have been crossed and we can’t be friends any more and I really don’t want my heart broken in the way it was when we ended it last year.

You MUST go cold turkey - there is no other way. You can do this.

@2ndMrsdeWinter thank you for sharing this. I went through something similar when he first blocked me and Tbf I shouldn’t have got back into it after that. Sorry you went through that but glad you’re ok now. How did you stop yourself?

Me 😭 it does me no favour and just opens old wounds each time. I'm back on day 1 of no contact after losing it at him again. I don't know why we do it to ourselves.

@Bloodylegoeverywhere you’re in the the right place!

Thank you, I can talk to my friends but I need others to help me.

For me it's been the thought of how sad and desperate I'd look to him if I messaged and how pleased he'd be to think I'm upset over him. I don’t want him to think he's that special, because he really isn't. He was just there at the right time when I needed some fun and excitement but it got stale and I should have called time on it ages ago. I don't want him to think I miss him, or that he can change his mind whenever he likes, or that I'll carry on doing the lovely thoughtful things. I want him to know that there's no way back and that I don’t want him and that I'm happy without him in my life. Almost 4 weeks no contact. I'm getting there. He hasn't contacted me, so I don’t think I feature at all in his thoughts just now. It's definitely time he featured less in mine.

That makes sense and I can relate to that. Last time we called time he said he thought a lot of me but it’s just words. They just think with one thing.

Wish I had this group of people 3 years ago

@namechangeforthis5 things came to a head and I told him I wasn’t going to contact him anymore - that this had to be goodbye. I told him in no uncertain terms that he was the loml and that I couldn’t be happy with him in my life as a friend so I had to bow out. He told me he had been in love with me since he met me and that he was saddened that timing had never been right. Having the closure really helped - we spent some time sharing memories and telling each other what our relationship meant to each other before we said goodbye.

The events that brought about our EA are very complex and the relationship itself, though not sexual (but came dangerously close) lasted 5 years. He married about 3 years into that time and I know he loved her and wanted it to work but he couldn’t whilst I was around as we couldn’t leave each other alone and I couldn’t do that to another woman.

I can’t keep dipping my toe in. I got to the point where it had to be all or nothing and the only option was nothing.

I still think of him all the time but it does get easier - I promise. You just have to be really strong in your resolve.

Wow that sounds so intense. But well done you for being strong and knowing your worth tbh. If you can do it I definitely can. We’ve never loved each other I can honestly say but it’s been 5 years of close texts and stuff. ‘Its just sex’ apparently buy with no sex lol. I couldn’t imagine doing that with him anyway. No way I just wanted a friend

I feel like I want to cry but it’s not over him. It’s just the stupid situation. How did I let this happen

@namechangeforthis5 My friends think it’s hilarious that I got myself into such a state over him and that it went on for so long. They don’t get it at all. I wish I had this thread at the beginning of last year. Or even in 2021 when I tried to cut contact and then let him back in 6 months later.

You absolutely can do it. How long has it been exactly? You need to tell yourself every day how undignified it will be to be the one to break first.

When I really missed him I used to imagine my texts being an inconvenience to him and imagine him rolling his eyes at my name flashing up. The perceived shame kept the desire to contact him at bay 😂

You know what? It doesn't matter how. You're moving on, you've moved on, it's been a passage of life but now you're on to the next stage. Wiser, kinder to yourself, with better boundaries and less time for bullshitters.

You should be fucking applauding yourself.

Thank you both so much. Honestly it’s giving the strength to keep going. It’s been only a few days this time but I’ve gone longer before. You two should be so proud of yourselves

@namechangeforthis5 and you can do it again - you’re doing great! My DMs are open if you want to chat further.

Thank you!

This experience will be trying to teach you something, you're just not listening...it will keep happening until you're ready to see the truth. It's kind of like self harm...we keep doing it because we think we don't deserve better and are greatful for any attention. This was me for about 4 years! Then the penny dropped. You are worthy of being treated with the upmost love and respect but you get what you accept, look for someone that's available to make you their one and only.