Anybody else desperately trying not to contact a guy?

[FuckSakeGetAGrip]

I am, and it's honest to god wrecking me.

Please tell me someone else is struggling too.

I'll hold your hand if you'll hold mine...

Brilliant. Well I’m two weeks in so not long but I’ll do it! Interesting I would never have dated this guy either. The way he used to suddenly stop texting me and be pissed and say stupid things to me. He hurt me so badly sometimes

Ah @Frith2013 its for the best. He just wanted to be the one to do it.

I don't see why not @namechangeforthis5

You didn't do many many things you could have done; I think you need to be compassionate with yourself.

Thank you @JustWannaBeWorthIt anf I do appreciate that. I just crossed a line I never thought I would. Got swept away in it all but yeah we could’ve done worse. He of course says nothing happened.

Well that's the way isn't it; technically we have plausible deniability because of the way we communicated things.

2weeks I've not heard from mine despite being full on before. I wont break and be the first to message but it's hard. I want him to stay away but I also dont. A head fuck I can do without.

@namechangeforthis5 I think in theory it’s really easy to believe we wouldn’t cross certain lines we’ve drawn until we really, really want to do something and we do.
The important thing is what we do afterwards. I had a very dear friend who sadly passed away who was a very wise person too. He wouldn’t let me use what to him were the B word and the F word. Not the ones you’d think! He wouldn’t let me use ‘blame’ or ‘fault’. He’d say”Wookie! If you blame someone or say it’s their fault, they can’t go anywhere with that apart from to feel worthless and irredeemable. Say “It’s your responsibility” instead. If we have a responsibility instead of just feeling like a bad person, now we can do something about what we did.”
He was so right.
You are doing everything you can to put right what was your responsibility in what happened. Don’t confuse guilt with remorse. Guilt is usually where we feel bad for ourselves because we did something bad to someone. Remorse is about feeling bad for the person we hurt. Guilt is “poor me!” remorse is “Poor them!” You sound remorseful to me, not guilty. That’s waay better, so feel good about yourself, you fucked up (we all do sometimes to a greater or lesser extent) but you are working on it, wanting to do better, getting on with putting it right. I’m not saying find excuses for what happened, I’m saying that nobody (including yourself) should be pointing any fingers at you when you’ve taken responsibility for what happened, learned from it and are doing your utmost to put it right. Guilty people are at risk of doing it again because they only feel sorry for themselves and getting caught. You’re not guilty, you’re remorseful and you’re using it to learn and do better, which is tough and a thing to be proud of.
To me you sound like the vast majority of people. A nice person who did something they’re not proud of and never want to do it again.
Stop using the G word (guilty) and say “I feel responsible” instead. Now you’re not feeling like a bad person, you’re a good person with a job to do, with what it’s your responsibility to do. Then go and do exactly what you’re doing now, loads of constructive things to make it right.
We all fuck up, namechange. Even the nicest of us. It’s what we do next that’s important. That’s who we really are.

Guys help. I really miss him today. Really really really. For the first day in ages I'm checking my phone and I know he's not going to be there.

Fuuuuuck this whole shitshow really sucks.

@Thewookiemustgo what a lovely comment. Thank you so much. I really appreciate that. I’m definitely taking that on board as I move on.

Nice message @Thewookiemustgo

I'm feeling a bit pathetic today as well @JustWannaBeWorthIt a bit like 'oh I miss him'. Still blocked tho I'm 100% committed to that. Mostly because it's the right thing to do but partly because I'm the one who ended it and would rather it stay that way!

He's gone very quiet on group chats, I'm not sure how he will have taken it. Will he care? Should I care if he cares? He put a thumbs up on a picture I put on a group chat (not of anything interesting) so I'm hoping that means 'we are ok'.

Tricky that I'm gonna have (hopefully) fairly close relationship with this person for the rest of my life! But needs to get back to being platonic!

I'm a name changer btw!!!

I swear if I could give myself a lobotomy. I'm so utterly sick and sad of feeling this way.

He has messaged me

Saying...???

Hey followed by how have you been x

Perfectly pleasant message but I know what underlies it

Well if you now then you can't unknow it. Only decision is are you ready for another round?

No I’m not. But I can’t ignore him either

Last time we spoke I said to him if he wanted to message after his holiday it’s fine and if he didn’t then I knew the score. Now he has I guess he thinks it’s on

Well technically you can ignore him but I get how hard it is.

Don’t know. I mean I was ghosted by my best friend of 35 years so I don’t want to do it to someone else

Could you maybe just tell him that you need more time? Or that you're not happy with the way things have been and you want it to stop? You don't really need to answer at all. They're not exactly interesting or inspired messages are they? What do you want to achieve, if you're being honest with yourself?

Being honest I want my life to stay as it is now this moment. I want no drama or stress. I’ve been using him as an anxiety tool, an escape route and a fantasy to distract myself but the truth is when I’m not obsessing over him my work is better I feel better and I’m more present

Then in your shoes, if you don't want to ignore him I'd just tell him you don't want to carry on messaging, that you've been really happy while there's been no contact and you think it's best for everyone, especially you, that it all ends now. You don’t need to block afterwards if you don't want to, but I wouldn't engage any further even if he responds. You'll have given him an explanation and made your feelings clear. That's as much as anyone should expect.

So just don’t reply then, leave unread