Anybody else desperately trying not to contact a guy?

[FuckSakeGetAGrip]

I am, and it's honest to god wrecking me.

Please tell me someone else is struggling too.

I'll hold your hand if you'll hold mine...

See we have agreed previously no need to block and/or delete. If I say anything it will look like drama 😬

Good work! @namechangeforthis5 don't tell him, just do it, it'll only invite a response otherwise. And you'll either get dragged back into it again or feel worse when he doesn’t answer. I haven’t blocked mine, but he hasn't tried to contact me and I don’t expect he ever will. It’s 3 weeks since I last messaged him and I no longer have the urge to. I'm not likely to see him until the end of the month, by which time it'll be almost 2 months no contact and I should feel much stronger by then. I've been putting little stickers on my calendar to mark off each little milestone. I know it’s like potty training a toddler, but it works for me!

Well done @LizaMinnellisFurCoat that’s great and whatever works for you. This thread has definitely helped me and the therapy. I just don’t feel I need to talk to him anymore. I didn’t even really like him that much but now and then he’d be so lovely to me. I’m just not going to contact him.

For sure this will seem like drama but it needed to happen or we would have continued in the same loop. He already thinks I'm quite bonkers so no change there!! I guess the point is it doesn't matter what it seems like between me and him, it just needs to end before something dramatic happens and people get hurt. I probably wouldn't have been able to do it a few weeks ago but I'm ready to let go of this twisted infatuation I seem to have found myself in.

This thread has been very helpful to me. I have felt very alone and ashamed of how I have ‘ended up’ in a pointless unrewarding ‘situationship’ For me this has been dragging on for the past 4-5 years with a male work colleague 10 years my senior who is in a senior position to me. I think that I was flattered at first, all the attention I received from him, it felt relentless- WhatsApp and in person, nothing sexual has ever occurred, a whole bunch of innuendo - I think an ego trip for him, a fantasy love affair for me.
I engaged in therapy in an attempt to protect myself and my personal life. I see now how he has behaved towards me is probably a pattern of behaviour with female colleagues who let him in so to speak- he has a type- 40s, married, I know this because a female colleague mentioned that he messaged her, my relationship with this person has been extremely strained, I think that she was the woman of the moment before me 😔
I have recently blocked him on Whatapp to try and extricate myself from him, to free up some headspace. It has felt like I am stuck like glue to him. I have also resigned from a role in which I worked closely with him so get some space.

The issue is I work with him. I cannot leave my job, he is omnipresent in group WhatsApp chats and team meetings. Does anyone have any advice how to manage work situations? I would be extremely grateful.

Why can't you leave @workinghardtorecover44? I think it will be difficult to get over him unless you leave.

That's what frightens me when you've said you've been in that situation for years! It's only been a few months for me but that's enough!!

@wiggywoowoo I can’t leave as it will damage my career prospects - I can leave in the future say 2 -3 years when I have finished my studies but until then cannot. Career suicide. It has been going on for years. Fleeting exhilarating highs followed by crashing lows. Extract yourself while you still can. Stay strong

I think your options are to either leave your work place or have a frank conversation with him and say that enough is enough and you are aware of his manipulation and if it continues then you will report him to HR. If he is your senior then it is serious workplace harassment and he need to be aware of this - especially if he has tried it with others. 5 years of him manipulating you is a looong time.
well done for seeing it for what it is and drawing a line.

I agree. You need to tell him you’ll report him. Mine had a reputation for being a ‘womaniser’. We met in a work night out and I even told my boss that he had come on to me. She told me he was a sleaze yet somehow here I am. He told me it was bollocks of course. Oh I’m seeing the light now!

Yes, I can see it for what it is. It has been very painful. He has always been careful about what he puts down on paper. A learned technique I suppose to protect himself, a lot of verbal exchanges. Thank you for reaching out. The kindness of strangers. I’m feeling a bit choked up about the reflection of the reality of the situation. I feel for you @namechangeforthis5 there were red flags with the man I formed an attachment to. HR- I worry for myself how I will come out of it. It is difficult to speak out, and I feel that I am a strong woman in so many ways, I don’t back down try and advocate for others.

I feel better already it's probably gonna be a tough couple of weeks but I'm thinking short term pain, long term gain!

Can not let this cycle drag on!!!

Are you in a relationship @workinghardtorecover44? Is he?

We both are married. My husband knows everything about my ‘situationship ‘ with this man. as it was so bad for a while I wasn’t really functioning. He is supportive and kind.

Oh wow really. That is very understanding!! How does he not mind??

I think that he does mind, I must of hurt him a lot. He is a very dutiful person, he loves our children very much and wants the family to remain together. We have been together for over 20 years. All my adult life.

Oh wow poor guy. Surely career suicide would be better than letting this guy torture you both for years!

I'm sure my husband knows too; we've talked around it a little bit but not explicitly. I'm sure it was very very obvious at the height of it all. He's handled it with a lot of grace tbh.

@wiggywoowoo yes in hindsight I think you are right. I could have chosen to leave, in the process losing a once in a lifetime career opportunity but maintaining my peace of mind. I stayed and endured a lot and dragged my family along in the process. I don’t think it has been worth it.

Right guys, heading into the weekend.

Are we all staying busy on more worthwhile things??

Yes absolutely. How about you? I was just reflecting though. I had a big falling out with my oldest and closest friend a couple of years ago. I was devastated and I think he has filled a bit of a void. Not seeing him but texting and letting me vent. He is secret so I can tell him anything or be who I want to be with him. I don’t feel scared of saying anything to him. We have fallen out loads of times but always end up back together

OMG OP a similar thing happened to me a year ago, I was so besotted I even wrote a post on MN & MNers were literally following this romantic story of mine.

Turned out - he was a douche bag with a girlfriend and fed me a string of lies. Told me everything I wanted to hear, really messed with my emotions to the point I would wait for his texts, i pined over him like a puppy it was pathetic. I took a holiday with my sister & came back with a completely different outlook. I now hate him, I have to see and hear him play happy families with his gf who I feel incredibly sorry for.

I think I've been too kind by completely backing off. Psycho me wanted to March over there with all the WhatsApp conversations printed out & tell her what he really is. He pretty much ditched me and our friendship when my dad became sick and I had to look after him. He got me hook line and sinker.

I promise you this feeling will pass, it might not seem like it right now. You are hurting and all you want to do is text him. Delete his number, you have to let go for your future self.

Xx

I'm still feeling good like I've taken control of the situation! Not sure what the plan is this weekend but want to stay busy. Glad you are over things now @sentfrommyiphone I must admit I've had this sort of feeling before and it normally turns to hatred / ick, also think a holiday can really help.. got one in a few weeks so hopefully I can hold it together before then!

I'm doing alright too @namechangeforthis5

I don't really want to get in touch. I think I might be moving into my Big Fuck You Revenge Era actually.

It's always always got sadness running through it though. Maybe it always will.

At least my marriage is, in the main, back on track; if we had stayed in each others lives for much longer it would have blown up eventually.

Well, I deleted WhatsApp and all my social media to get rid of mine. About 10 days ago.

A week went by. I doubt he noticed, as be used to message me so infrequently!

Suddenly a string of missed calls from him on Thursday night. I made the mistake of texting back, just in case it was an emergency (he lives alone and can't drive).

He begged to be unblocked on WhatsApp. (He wasn't blocked, I no longer have it). Eventually I spoke to him on FB messenger, as I still had that to message family.

There was no emergency. I said I no longer wanted any sort of relationship with him but we could go back to friendship. I said this several times...

He went from messaging me about twice a fortnight (previously) to completely bonkers FB messaging all day. It got more and more desperate including being jealous of a man I do a hobby with (who is 70), promising all sorts and actually asking questions about my life.

I knew I needed a calm and sensible way to extricate myself (again).

Yesterday evening it ramped up to messages that he was jealous because he likes me, he was angry because I did some DIY without asking him to help (half my life is DIY at the moment) and that I "always insult him" but then obviously could not come up with an example of when I had ever insulted him.

So he is now blocked on FB messenger.

Oh yikes @Frith2013 he's gone fully batshit. At least he's revealed himself as a loon and you can put him behind you.