Anybody else desperately trying not to contact a guy?

[FuckSakeGetAGrip]

I am, and it's honest to god wrecking me.

Please tell me someone else is struggling too.

I'll hold your hand if you'll hold mine...

@namechangeforthis5 I’m glad you’ve found some help. I’m honestly not having a pop at any of you, whilst limerant it’s hard to see anything else, but you really need to. The receiving end of this is hell, which nobody gets spared from, including the perpetrators. Cold turkey or a stepped programme is the way out of the misery and avoids carnage for others. None of you sound like it’s making you happy, you’re miserable until you get a ‘hit’ of your drug then after the temporary high, the cycle of misery starts again. Nobody benefits from this.
I think you’ll feel way better without it and be able to spend your energy on worthwhile stuff and have a think about why you needed it so badly.
Limerance is a nasty, weird thing, more like a drug than a ‘relationship’ of any kind and you’re knee deep before you know where you are.
Normal life can get humdrum and boring and the familiar, although far more valuable, gets taken for granted. The new attention from a new person, the secrecy, sometimes even the risk makes it exciting, novel, heady. It makes you feel good. It’s not the person doing this, they’re just the object, the conduit for the high you’re chasing. It’s the feelings created by the attention, feeling attractive, the novelty and secret nature of the situation that give you the rush and the escape. If you’ve romanticised it all as well it’s ten times worse. But it’s just a dopamine rush.
Imagine breaking everybody’s hearts and ruining lives just for that! Once you can see it for what it is, it’s far easier to get out of. You’re using it to fill a void in your life you probably didn’t even know was there. Ditch this, find that gap in your life, find out what you enjoy, fill it with those things you love and you’ll be a lot happier. You’ll feel a lot better about yourself just knowing you’re not lying and keeping secrets from your partner and helping somebody else dupe their family.
Use the time you’ll have once you’ve ditched the situation to work on your relationship, put the same amount of thought and energy into that as you put into the emotional affair and you might be pleasantly surprised. Or, it might give you the impetus to evaluate your relationship with a clear head (in affairs the AP’s virtues get magnified and the spouse’s faults get magnified too to justify it all), decide it’s not working, be honest with your partner and move on.
I’m not trying to have a go at any of you, I’m honestly not. Mills and Boon this stuff really isn’t, if it hits the fan it’s more Nightmare on Elm Street. I hope you find the courage to get honest with yourself and ditch the limerance for good.

Spot on

@Thewookiemustgo just wanted to say I know you’re not having a go but I do realise my behaviour has bit been good. I do take responsibility but I do feel like my TO has taken advantage of me a bit. I’m quite insecure and my self esteem isn’t great and he always seems to talk me round. I’m going to come off this thread now as although it’s been helpful I think it’s just replacing one behaviour for another.

I've chatted to mine a bit today just about nothing in particular but it always sends me into some uncomfortable and weird place.

It's better when I don't. It's better when I don't. It's better when I don't.

I should tattoo this backwards on my forehead so I can read it in the mirror.

I have complete disdain for any woman who messages a married man in secret.

I noticed a message to my H from a woman during lockdown. Apparently they were just catching up. He basically ignored her message. Her follow-up messages suggested to me that she was more than a little put out that he was ignoring her. She knew that he was married but still thought she'd have a try. Pathetic.

@studioussquirrel well he’s obviously stronger than I was. In this case I’m not the persistent one. He was and wouldn’t leave me alone. So im guilty of being weak so please don’t make it worse

I really didn’t come here for that. Rest assured I won’t be messaging him anymore

@Thewookiemustgo 's comments all seem very wise and helpful,
At the risk of sounding defensive just want to flag though that not everyone on this thread who is trying not to text another person has been cheating or involved with a cheater. I'm dealing with not wanting to contact someone I've been seeing for 6 months but neither of us is cheating on a partner.

Actually, the person I'm trying hard not to reach out to has been the first relationship I have had since the end of my own marriage which crashed spectacularly after my ex husband had an affair. The consequences were and continue to be devastating for me and my children and I wholeheartedly agree with Wookie's description of the hurt that causes.

So I wouldn't endorse having affairs at all and would encourage everyone here not to contact a person who (for whatever reason) isn't good for them. I honestly feel a bit upset and hopeless at the possibility of an assumption being made that I'm involved in an affair. I'm not. But I'm still struggling with wanting to/not wanting to contact my guy.

Literally nobody on this thread endorses affairs or we'd all have taken the chance for a shag when we had it.

I do understand why people are coming on here to share their fair disdain, but I like the supportive nature of the thread and am finding it very helpful. The being berated not so much.

Well said @TakeThePain it would be easier to give in but I thought the ones of us here who are in that situation don’t want to have affairs/cheat. I feel like hiding this thread and never returning I’m so ashamed

Look @namechangeforthis5 this is anonymous and we know we're trying to do better and be better.

I don't think hiding it helps, we've all found this helpful as a place to come instead of texting the people we shouldn't.

I hope you stick around, I am going to.

I'm mad at myself for today. Completely innocuous chat which knocks me sideways, it's like a trauma response due to a lot of things that happened around the same time (and which directly contributed tbh).

I want it out of my life.

I am not ashamed. I don’t regret my affair. I also don't think that I am a bad person for it because I don’t equate sexual fidelity with morality. I haven’t hurt anyone and I was never going to. I am only sorry that the friendship wasn't real and isn't likely to be. I appreciate my husband more and he has been much more affectionate. Tar and feather me if you like, but this has made me realise how much I do love my husband and made me more likely to stay in my marriage. I don’t need approval or forgiveness. I made my choices, I was responsible for my own actions and I've learned from them. It's very easy to sit in judgement of others when you've never had the experience yourself.

@Clytemnestra21 you're not being defensive, it’s a fair point and obviously I was talking about those who are cheating/ involved in infidelity and not those who are trying to get over someone in different circumstances. I’m sorry if my post upset you, it wasn’t my intention.
I had and have no intention of upsetting anyone, or shaming anyone, I took it that those who are cheating were on the thread (due to its title) because they want to stop the limerant behaviour which is why I wrote what I wrote. I cannot apologise for a word of that, as it is my own personal belief from experience.
I have also experienced limerance before I was married and made a complete arse of myself over it and fell well below my own standards because of it. Waiting for calls, trying not to call, feeling on a high when he called and miserable as sin when he didn’t and thinking of nothing else in between. The guy wasn’t worth it nor did I like the person I became because of it. I was still limerant after it ended and it was awful, nothing to do with cheating either. I hope you get to a good place and can leave it in the past where it belongs and find some peace.

That's a nice and a balanced reply @Thewookiemustgo

Thank you @TakeThePain that’s really helped. I will stick around. This thread has helped me. I make no excuses but I’m not happy to be painted as some scarlet woman but I guess I understand

It's really not disdain. People like me are here because we have been there and realise how damaging it is. I am trying to say the things that I wish someone had said to me instead of the opposite. I lost about 15 months of my life to this in direct contact and probably another year in occasional contact. I blocked him and it stopped. I remember the hell of WhatsApp looking at him online, when was he last on etc. I know how your mind is warped at the time by your body. I wish you all well .

Yeah I really do get that, but it would be so nice for this thread not to be derailed, and just left to those of us who are struggling and supporting each other.

I mean, none of us is having fun, the actual physical pain at times has been something I'd never have been able to imagine. I didn't want to feel like this, I don't want to feel like this now, if I could remove this part of my life wholesale from my brain, that would be ideal.

I'm not saying that with any kind of mean tone by the way, I know that tone doesn't always come over well so just wanted to explicitly say it.

I wish you all every success and will leave you all to it x

Changing the subject but I've blocked him people!!! WhatsApp, Facebook, phone, block block block!

We went out last night I was quite drunk and husband said I was being funny about my phone. Too close, needs to stop. It's even quite a lot worse than if he was just a random.

Gonna do a dry June, be sensible and get over it in the quiet.

Wow @wiggywoowoo well done! It takes a lot I'm sure. It's in the back of my mind too.

Funnily enough DH and I had a bit of a chat last night too, and he said that me and Bloke obviously have a bit of a love/hate thing and shouldn't work together again, which is totally true.

There is a vacancy in my organisation but I actually don't want him back in my life really, so not going to mention it to him. That's fucking progress, trust me!

Well done you 👏

Yeah it does bring you crashing to reality. I have had a couple of close ones as well. Well done for blocking. I’m not there yet but have no desire to message him

Thinking about deleting his number actually

The annoying thing is I can't delete because I'm in groups I can't leave. I wish I could!! I will have to see him too at some point but I think it will all be fine.. once I'm over it!

I do feel better, like I've taken control.

Good I’m really pleased for you. If I block without saying anything I’ll feel really bad. Is that normal?

I told him I was doing it. It's just the most inappropriate set up I need to not feel like this and being in touch only makes it worse.