@SleepyRooster I see you. I’m so, so sorry you got so badly hurt. It’s agony. Your post got largely ignored and buried. Did you notice that? I think only one poster stopped to reply to you or even acknowledge the trauma you suffered on discovering a secret chat between your partner and another woman.
Why? Because it’s the inconvenient truth about those on the receiving end of stuff like this. To realise what is actually at risk here for the people they’re cheating on, or helping another man to cheat on, (ruined mental health of those cheated upon, devastated spouses and children, loss of family and friends) would sprinkle the sparkly stuff with guilt and shame, which would spoil the thrill of the obsession and the dopamine hit of the ‘game’.
Game! At one point it was actually referred to as a ‘game’. Jesus wept. The rules of this ‘game’ are actually just playing secretly with other peoples’ lives for an ego boost and a dopamine reward. Expecting their unsuspecting spouses and partners to conveniently stay in the dark whilst they pine after somebody else and allegedly try to sort it all out. They don’t want to lose their marriages or relationships whilst this continues, so their partners and children see what they want them to see, living in a fool’s paradise, (don’t forget the reminder from one helpful poster about secret chat functions which can be locked with Face ID! And from somebody who apparently wanted to stop doing shit like this! Unbelievable) which could implode at any minute, all at their whim.
They think they can’t help it, but they can. They think they can’t stop, but they could. They berate the men they are obsessed with whilst behaving in a similar way themselves. Flip the genders on this thread (ie men writing about mooning about other women and therefore cheating on their wives) and it would be a bloodbath.
I know what limerance is, I know the power of obsession and addiction. I also know of a suicide from crap like this, I also know someone whose teenage child saw the messages. Carnage.
Want a fast way out? The quickest thing to end this crap sadly usually seems to be for somebody to find out. The limerant object and the pining and the hand-wringing over whether they got a text or not atomises in the face of realising that your nonsense caused devastation like that. Nothing usually makes the limerant object and obsessing evaporate faster than being faced with the reality of losing their spouse and family.
To text these cheating men or not to text them is a choice. Maybe it’s a hard choice, a really, really tough choice, but it’s a choice just the same. If you can choose to do something you can choose not to. If you are choosing to text, whilst claiming you want to stop, it’s not because they are charming or magical or soulmates or anything special, it’s because in that moment you don’t actually want to stop. So you don’t. Words are cheap. Actions show you what people really want to do. Until you really, really want to stop this, you won’t.
Be careful that you are not using this thread to enable your obsession rather than try to end it. The sheer number of messages all describing the men, the situations, continuing the sagas, whether they did/ did not reply to texts etc are actually posters enjoying describing the water, not helping those drowning.
If you truly want to support each other out of your obsessions then ban talking about the men themselves here, ban talking about who replied / didn’t etc and talk about the possible alternatives to obsessing and what helped you or might help you stop. But you still really have to want to stop. You could choose to do this on any day, choose to delete, block or just ignore the messages. It’s a choice, you can choose to stop. If you fail then you immediately re-commit to stopping and again, you choose to stop. You keep choosing that every time you fail until you break the limerance and stop. No object, no limerance. Commit fully to stopping the behaviour (some of you clearly haven’t) and each time you are tempted, make yourself do something else. You actually can. Read the AA 12 step programme. It works with any addictive behaviour. Repetition and success will stop the behaviour, as long as you fully commit.
I genuinely pray that none of you get hurt by this, or your poor families. I pray you never have to witness the terrible devastation that the consequences of your current behaviour does to people you claim to love. I genuinely hope it stops for all of you as soon as possible and you learn from this and steer clear in the future.
Believe me, none of this or these feckless men are worth what it could cause you and the people who love you.