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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Anybody else desperately trying not to contact a guy?

1000 replies

FuckSakeGetAGrip · 06/05/2024 12:02

I am, and it's honest to god wrecking me.

Please tell me someone else is struggling too.

I'll hold your hand if you'll hold mine...

OP posts:
drad · 17/05/2024 13:56

Thanks @Bewareofthisonetoo I need to hear this. Mine was off the radar from mid November to mid February and I had essentially gotten over it and then it all started again after seeing him despite a 3 month gap. I feel hopeless. After his work with my team at the end of the month he is not planned to work with us for the rest of the year as he's starting a new job (I may run into him but can probably avoid that department) so I'm hoping the knowing that I won't see him will allow me brain space.

drad · 17/05/2024 13:57

@Bewareofthisonetoo what was the story? Anything in particular help?

drad · 17/05/2024 14:12

I've looked at locked chats and think this is a good solution as I won't be able to see his message pop up unless I look in the locked messages folder. It won't just pop up

winc · 17/05/2024 20:51

Friday night, had a gin… think I need to turn my phone off … so tempted but I know I will send an essay and he will ignore…

drad · 17/05/2024 20:55

Yes agreed. I'm leaving my phone upstairs and watching a film. I sent mine an essay yesterday and he's online lots tonight and not replied. I'm enraged. I feel so utterly stupid.

Boredbutcantstopscrolling · 17/05/2024 21:08

Turn those phones off! Or write here what you want to send to them...get it off your chest. Just don't send it to them!

I know I will be doing the same tomorrow night, I'm already considering what I could send him to get him to reply 😫

namechangeforthis5 · 17/05/2024 21:20

I don’t drink anymore but I used to send so many essays back in the day. Thankfully he was always so pissed he never remembered but he used to just ignore me so then we decided to stop contact at weekends anyway because he never replied.
@Boredbutcantstopscrolling spot on!
@drad what film you watching?

drad · 17/05/2024 22:47

I'm watching a Woody Allen film - a rainy day in New York. So still no reply.
I'm so tired of feeling like this.
He's online every few minutes so I expect he's texting back and forth with someone but can't even reply to me. I feel jealous / upset / humiliated / frumpy / undesirable / unwanted.
I don't know why he has such a power over me.

namechangeforthis5 · 17/05/2024 23:02

I don’t have my last seen on any more. Not just because of this but it’s quite good for the mind. Don’t give him the power. I’m just wondering why mine hasn’t messaged but then again he did over a week ago and it was a very short conversation so he’s probably got bored

namechangeforthis5 · 17/05/2024 23:11

So this will sound nuts but whenever things are going a bit wrong I feel it’s because I’m not in contact with him and if I text him I’d feel better and things would stop going wrong (problems at work etc). In reality I know this is just my anxiety ruling my life ago but still there it is.

winc · 18/05/2024 06:46

Hope everyone stayed strong and didn’t message last night. I had a couple more drinks ( badly needed after a rough week) and am so proud I didn’t- started do watch a new series on Netflix and went to bed when my teen did- so that helped. Did check when he was last online tho- no idea why!

Woke up this morning with a kind of sense of relief that I won’t be waiting on a text from him. Feel last weekend I kept snapping at the kids as I was so uptight about it all- will do something with them today to make up for it 😊

winc · 18/05/2024 06:47

namechangeforthis5 · 17/05/2024 23:11

So this will sound nuts but whenever things are going a bit wrong I feel it’s because I’m not in contact with him and if I text him I’d feel better and things would stop going wrong (problems at work etc). In reality I know this is just my anxiety ruling my life ago but still there it is.

It doesn’t sound nuts- I feel the same and think it is the anxiety.. our mind playing tricks😔

WeDreamInPhosphoresence · 18/05/2024 08:08

In the memories in my phone today is a really significant photo of us that I'm not going to send him.

Fuuuuuuuuck.

drad · 18/05/2024 08:37

@WeDreamInPhosphoresence don't do it. I have no photos thank goodness and he does not have social media so that helps a lot.
@winc this is the thing. If you message last you're waiting for them to message you! Especially as my message had two questions in it. It's not like I felt I could have ignored his last message to me as he asks me whether I was feeling better. I'm seeing him in 10 days. The project WhatsApp group will start again on Tuesday and he will be in there and I will have to post quite a bit and be ignored but at least 16 other people in that group .

drad · 18/05/2024 08:38

@namechangeforthis5 it's that dopamine and sense of control you're craving

WeDreamInPhosphoresence · 18/05/2024 09:04

I won't @drad

BathshebaAndGabriel · 18/05/2024 10:44

Thank you for this thread.
sorry to hear you’re all struggling a bit.
I basically had to sit on my hands last night to stop myself from sending a message. There’s so much I want to say to him. And he’d respond instantly.
But I have to step away. And he’s pulled away.
Makes me very very sad. I feel like a stupid teenager.
Keeping busy is key. I’ve started reading again. Silver linings!

Sending courage to everyone.

Frith2013 · 18/05/2024 12:23

Well!

My 6 week "thing" with a man is over.

It was driving me mad. He is on his phone ALL THE TIME. But never to me. I always had to message first and found it didn't matter how long I waited. 7, 10, 12 days - nothing. But I could see he was on and off line constantly.

We had met up maybe 7-8 times. He always promised we would meet more, go for a walk, go to another city where his friend lives. Literally nothing ever happened except cups of tea and sex in his house.

I can't just have 2.5 minutes of sex once a fortnight. No cuddles, no time together, no flurries of messages, nothing. I can't do it. It's soul destroying.

We have been friends for 2 years and he is a nice bloke. I have actually received less attention and fewer messages from him since we started sleeping together!

Every time we planned something (which was like pulling teeth) some other person would ask him to go there or a friend would go and stay with him. He would cancel my time then go silent.

We met with a large group of friends this morning. He completely ignored me. I've come back home now.

He was supposed to be coming here tomorrow (which he hadn't done since our relationship changed from friendship) but cancelled by message after not talking to me in person this morning, because 2 friends are going round to see him.

As I drove home this morning, I literally roared with rage and kept shouting at how stupid I have been.

I got home to his message cancelling tomorrow. I typed "This isn't what I want and I'm very unhappy. Let's stop now".

And can you all guess what he has replied?

THERE ISN'T A FUCKING REPLY!!!!!!!!!! Of course, he has read it but even now, there is no reply.

I mean, that's probably better than a nasty reply. I just feel I could message him and say "My leg is literally hanging off" and he would reply next week saying he would help but someone is coming over.

I'm so annoyed with myself and so embarrassed.

He was/is a close friend with my ex. My ex and I had a terrible breakup (he lived with me) and this new guy swooped in the week after my ex moved out, making me dinner and sending kind messages.

He asked me out and I said I needed a couple of weeks to be by myself. He got a bit shitty then (with hindsight) and said I should move on and leave that sadness behind me.

I'm crying but raging.

The really sad thing is that I haven't been in anyone else's house this year. No one else has cooked me a meal. Of course, that is not the fault of this man but I feel unbelievably pathetic.

namechangeforthis5 · 18/05/2024 12:53

drad · 18/05/2024 08:38

@namechangeforthis5 it's that dopamine and sense of control you're craving

You’re absolutely right.

drad · 18/05/2024 13:14

@Frith2013 you should feel proud to have sent that message. That took real strength. If I were you, I'd now block his number and remove him from any social media. You have the power now. You've told him your boundaries. Good for you. I think not replying is such an emotionally immature reaction. Mine would just send a random animal emoji!

Frith2013 · 18/05/2024 13:19

@drad even a badger emoji would mean he had actually bothered to message me this week... It would be a step up for him!

I'm so annoyed I'm going to mow the lawn.

drad · 18/05/2024 13:22

2.5 minutes of sex! lol. Was it even good?

Frith2013 · 18/05/2024 13:25

@drad No, it was completely shit. I have no idea why I tolerated it or went back for more. It was the worst I have ever had. Certainly not nasty, or rough just..... nothingness.

If I had sex with a man and he didn't orgasm, I would be really worried. If it happened ten times in a row, I would be in bits, anxious and wondering if I was doing it wrong, asking for his advice etc.

This guy seemed oblivious.

How can you take no pride in your work like that ?

Frith2013 · 18/05/2024 13:27

OK, I've gone past any embarrassment now.

One time, he had sex in less than 2.5 minutes with me because the football was about to start on the television. We also managed to fit in sex again during half time.

I do have problems with my neck and I seriously started to wonder if I had some damage between my lady's area and my brain. That's how bad it was.

drad · 18/05/2024 13:27

EW. Sounds like you dodged a bullet.

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