Partner won't help pay for family car

[LIzo1234]

My partner and I have been together for 17 years and have two kids together. We have a joint account and share most household bills. Recently our very old car has had to go to car heaven and we've got to get a new one. The problem is that my my partner feels that, since he doesn't need a car to get to work, as he works locally, I should pay for it.

This is partly because he doesn't like cars (for environmental reasons) but I can't get to my job without one and we need one for family holidays, weekend trips away etc.

I have spent the past two weeks researching cars (I think I could do a degree in car makes now!). I've found one that seems right. It's £12,000 which nowadays is pretty standard, if not cheap but he thinks that's too much and doesn't want to contribute.

Do you think that's fair? Am I being unreasonable in expecting that we would half the cost?

I just can't get past the fact that he takes a wheelbarrow to the supermarket!! 🤣🤣

Who the fuck does that? How embarrassing. I presume you don't go there at the same time? I would not be seen out in public with someone who did this.

I'd be willing to bet that he is more reliant on you and your car than he realises or admits.

Buy the car if you need or want it. Use it just for you and the kids. Don't let him in it.

I don't think that's a suitable attitude for a family man with 2 children and a partner! If the op couldn't work due to transport, surely it would impact the partner more. It sounds like a family investment especially because the partner benefits from the op driving on trips and ferrying their joint children around.

@TinyYellow imagine if partners refused to pay for what they don't use. So tampons, medication, razors, it could all get a little pathetic if that's what it came down to. It's not how family finances should work.

Oh I know, this was in response to it being suggested solely as a car for her commute.

I assume also that he benefits from OP's job more broadly? So her salary helps pay for the roof over their heads, food etc, in which case, getting to work is a family expense to help enable the family income.

I do wonder why he has adopted the wheelbarrow for his shopping trips rather than the purposefully-designed traditional shopping trolley, tartan pattern optional.

More ‘man of the soil’ perhaps?

He's being a hypocrite here and is effectively buying some of his individual environmental low impact at the expense of your higher impact, and then judging you for it.

He chose to have a partner and children, he can't disentangle himself from those impacts- the family impacts are his impacts.

As a family, you live close to his work, so he gets to have a low emission commute. But you also work, so his low emission commute is at the cost of your commute which can only be done by car. And he chose to have a life with someone who doesn't want to live off grid and he doesn't have the skills and set up to do so himself, so you're going to have to work between you. His solo emissions aren't what count here, it's the overall emissions of working as a unit that count. So unless he's willing to move somewhere you can both have a car-free commute, he can't wash his hands of the need for a car, and should instead be looking at how he can work with you too find a low emissions solution.

Also, living alone is one of the least environmentally sustainable things a person can do, so instead of seeing you and the kids as a compromise that makes his emissions worse you should point out to him that he can go live a less sustainable life alone unless he starts working with you as a unit... 😂

I agree, maybe because my DH is also against using car when we can avoid it (eco reasons).

We lived without a car until the DC were 8-9 and only bought one during Covid when everybody was scared about trains.
A family doesn’t need a car, groceries can be delivered, you can go to lots of places by public transport. The only time it was an issue was for weddings in the middle of nowhere. I guess you could ask your DP to pay the equivalent of a car rental to the joint account when he ends up
using the car (driver or passenger), could that work?

Cars are essential for many people.

The compromise should come from not doing short trips and making as fewer trips as possible (going shopping on the way home from work etc) and walking/using public transport when possible.

The car is essential for you to get to work, to earn money to pay bills.

Tell him the car expense comes out of the joint account or you’ll be forced to give up your job.

If the kids use it, then he is as responsible for the car payments as you.
They are just as much his kids as they are yours.

FWIW you can get cars a lot cheaper than £12k and I wouldn’t pay that much but I guess it depends what type of car you want and how new etc.

A family doesn’t need a car, groceries can be delivered, you can go to lots of places by public transport.

I don't think you can speak for all families.
Not everyone lives somewhere with excellent (or even good) transport links.

This must be a wind up.

Simple answer is you use the car and he doesn't

You go out with the children/on holiday and he follows you on public transport (which he pays for)

I couldn't be with someone like that - he's just tight, not green,

You don't want it?

Then never go in it and you don't have to contribute.

You can get reliable family sized cars for that

Right, but that only works if you can park outside your house. I have to park in the next road, so an electric car won’t work for everyone.

It must be. Absolutely no-one I know would tolerate a partner taking a wheelbarrow to the supermarket. Can you imagine what their children would go through if school friends saw their dad pushing a wheelbarrow to the supermarket?

Let's reverse it and see how it sounds...

"I try and live as environmentally friendly as is practical living fairly remotely. As a family we try and use our car as little as possible. My wife drives 22 miles a day for work so to offset this we try and use public transport for family days out. I even take a wheelbarrow to the supermarket instead of the car which I know is bonkers but I'm trying to lessen my impact on the environment.

Despite rarely using the car, I still pay for half the fuel costs as this comes out of our joint bank account. The time has come for a new car and my wife is now also expecting me to contribute half towards this which I don't agree with. AIBU to not want to spend circa £6k on something I don't want?"

I still think he's got a point @askmenow!

Getting strong Kevin from Motherland vibes from your DH OP!

He doesn’t have a point at all.

His kids use the car, therefore it’s half his.

He benefits from the car by OP going to work and paying half of the bills.

They are a partnership/family.
Its not his stuff vs her stuff.

Surely most of the income is shared between the family and this gets taken out of the joint expenses.

Its a family car and he’s part of the family.

If he chose not to use it at all or if the kids never used it, then yes he would have a point.
But he does use it and his kids use it too.

Loads of married people buy these things for themselves rather than out of a joint budget.

If it was just the two of you then I could see his point. If he wants to live without a car, fair enough. You need the car to get to work, also fair enough. But then he doesn't get to start using it on day trips, weekends away, holidays etc. or to pick up stuff from B and Q when the fucking wheelbarrow doesn't cut it.

But, you are supposed to be a family. You have two children together. That means there are more needs involved such as children needing to be picked up from places when public transport isn't available, or going to extra-curricular activities, friends houses etc. Family holidays and so on and so forth. You need the car to get to work to earn money which is going into the family pot. Without that money the pot would be significantly reduced. You could try to get a job locally too but that's often easier said than done.
He should be contributing to the cost of purchasing the vehicle - maybe not quite half because you are using it the most for work - but he should be contributing.

I think wankers like this shouldn't have kids (though that's a bit late now). If you have a family everything changes and you can't be behaving as if you're single or in a relationship without children .

He sounds like my ex. Didn't have children with him, thank fuck. But he was one of these "look at me, I'm so green, I don't need a car" types but what it actually meant was that he didn't want to spend money on a car (fair enough) but also was constantly scrounging lifts off other people. And when we moved to a place where the public transport wasn't as great, suddenly he wanted me to buy a car, apparently for my benefit, but he wasn't going to contribute to it because he'd need it rarely. It's a long story that one.... but he was mean about other things too - such as he didn't like raspberries and some other foods and he insisted on shopping bills being split (had a spreadsheet for the purpose) equally between us AFTER items had been removed from the bill which he didn't eat. He'd sit there staring at the receipts and taking off the cost of such items from the total, divide the remainder by two and then enter it on a spreadsheet.

Oh and he's an absolute massive knob for going to the supermarket with a wheelbarrow. Does he drive it around inside the shop or leave it outside? How come it hasn't got nicked yet?

The least he could do is get a proper cargo bike.

Wanker.

I don't think the OP means a garden wheelbarrow.

More something like this -

https://www.amazon.co.uk/wheelbarrow-Shopping-Supermarket-Portable-Household/dp/B0C7MGQDVS

We have one for picking up heavy things.

I just put them in the trolley on the way round the supermarket.

Thought most people did this, rather than seperate trips or ordering online?

Op you don’t have to justify wanting a car. I only got my first car at 27 but now i have 2 kids i couldn’t be without one.