Please help Husband and strip club

[ReadyforthechorusLTB]

My husband went on a works night out last night, he came home in a terrible state vomiting on the carpet that I cleaned to save the poor kids standing in it.
Anyway, I've picked up his pants and noticed an obviously stain at the front inside.
I confronted him and he said he went to a strip club. I asked to see his bank account immediately and he has spent £775 ! There is multiple charges some at £115 and even one for £230. Apparently this is the first time he has paid for a dance. I have downloaded a year's worth of statements and I can't see any other incidents.
To make things worse he slipped up and said he went alone after everyone else had gone home. Why?!!

Pre kids I would have walked away. But I have two young children, and leaving would completely change their lives for the worse. He earns more than I do, we have no outside support and I have no family to go to, and I couldn't manage the mortgage payments on my own.
I feel physically sick. I'm not sure how I am meant to trust him again!
Does anyone know what happens at strip clubs. What has he paid for. Is this just dances!

I’m not encouraging anything. I think that what he’s done has been stupid , drunk and foolish. Do I think it’s a reason to end a marriage - no. That’s my personal opinion.

"Peer pressure" - this is a grown man who should be able to deal with this.

I hear what you are saying OP. You do not want to turn your family's life upside down because of one unacceptable incident. But I think the underlying problem for you is that it changes how you feel about your life's partner. He is not the man you thought he was - that is where the problem lies.

My late OH did something similar. I stayed for similar reasons. There were lots of good times over the years for us all and the well-balanced adults my children have become are a source of pride and no doubt arrived at this because of my decision. But I never felt the same about my OH throughout those years - I tried to concentrate on his good points, of which there were many, but the underlying feeling that his attitude to women had been fundamentally called into question never left me. I reasoned that marriage has to contain compromises.

He is dead now, and my delightful AC have no idea that my memories are tainted in this way - in contrast to theirs which are all positive. They would be horrified if they knew and sometimes I feel I am living a bit of a lie. But it is what it is.

Just giving a long-term perspective for you.

Pre kids I would have walked away.

yes thats why he knows he can do this

I obviously dont know how old you are but I'd consider myself older than most women who have young children because I'm 49 and there's absolutely not a cat in hell's chance I'd tolerate this on any level.

And I can't see myself becoming more tolerant of it the older I get either.

My husband spent around £230 in a strip club years ago .. we have a joint account so I saw it. I was fuming, assumed private dance but he denied this - I don't believe him but until you are in this situation it's hard to just walk away / divorce and break the family up.

my husband went to the griffin in London

I agree and im nearly 51

I think the last time I went to a lap dancing club it was £10 a dance. That's some inflation.

Second place looks better value than the first.

Having worked in many clubs, I can assure you, the absolute minority of girls allow any form of touching. In all places, it was instant dismissal. I'll explain why.

A single dance is £40. Sally is great at talking customers in to spending. Sally makes a lot of money. Jane has no sales ability at all. But she decides to try and discreetly let people grab her arse and people start picking Jane because she is a dirty cow. Suzy has the same lack of sales ability as Jane, but Jane is already offering arse grabs. So Suzy competes by allowing an arse and a boob grab for £40. So now people are getting a filthy experience, for £40. Sally is fucking fuming because how is she supposed to sell a VIP half an hour of basically bobbing about with her boobs out for £200 (which she can usually sell like a dream), when you can now grab Suzy's boobs for £40. Sally who usually makes a grand a night goes home with zero. And moves clubs. Suzy is chuffed with her £160 of "grope money" she's earned. The club is out on around £300 of commission.

So no, it's not being naive to think touching doesn't happen. It 99% doesn't. And it's not tolerated by any of the other dancers, or the club because they all lose thousands over it.

Most clubs sell single dances for £20 or £40. 15 mins for £100-120. Half hour £200-250. Hour £500-750. Yes really. And for anything over 15 mins, most of that is spent chatting or trying to upsell drinks. Because there really aren't enough "moves" to dance continuously for more than ten mins without looking like a record stuck on loop.

What I would say OP is that there's often a surcharge for using card, and in your case, it looks like £7.50 for £50 spent. Hence the £50 dance (probably a two dance back to back) is £57.50. And the £100 (probably 15mins) is £115.

If he’s was as pissed as you say I’m not saying anything hasn’t happened
but they would take every opportunity to rip him off with drink and basic dance

Interesting, isn’t it, how poor old Jane is a « dirty cow », and both the women are offering a « filthy experience » but somehow the customers don’t end up with the dirt label.
Tells you all you need to know, I guess.

The club didn't make him go in there though. That was his own choice. Being drunk doesn't excuse him going in there: the idea that was a good place to go must been in his head even if drink gave him the courage to go in.
I am really angry on behalf of OP when she says what a big hit his " bit of fun" has made on the family budget. Absolute selfishness . And that's without talking about the morality of paying sex workers when he is supposed to be in a committed relationship. And his objectification of women.
I don't know why " being older" should make someone say its not a LTB situation. I would bet I'm probably older than most of the pp on this thread and I would certainly encourage OP to leave her relationship if she can find a way to do so.
He got found out. It doesn't change the type of person he is. This is not one- off behaviour.

Also, no one has suggested the punters are allowed to touch but that the women are.

That doesn't mean she's delivering a crafty hand job but that she is likely to be grinding on him knickerless and rubbing her vulva on his face. That's still touching.

I've never been to one. All my knowledge of what happens in these places comes from women who have worked in them posting on here 🤷🏻‍♀️

Because it depends on your personal views.

It's always the people with zero actual knowledge of how it works, who have all the opinions based on nothing but their own say-so. Guess work and ill informed opinion, that they spout as if it were gospel, and they are that arrogant that they genuinely believe their guess work is far better than people who actually do the job.

The nonsense about girls being trafficked (in twenty years, never came across one) because Susan with her guess work thinks it must be the case. I know, without doubt, that as you walk out with £3k for an evening's work, you certainly aren't the exploited one. I had a regular who would book me for three hours. Midnight till close. £2k. We played charades and he bitched about his brother. Every single time. It was fun. If I knew he was coming in, I'd sit in the changing rooms eating pizza until he turned up. People don't like this reality because it doesn't suit their narrative of poor little me, so manipulated and exploited. They literally point blank refuse to accept the real lived experience of every girl I've worked with.

And yes, the girls who tried to sell "touching" are dirty. Because that's not what clubs do. You want to be touched, fine, don't be a stripper, be a prostitute. My boundary is no touching, so dancing is fine. I've got no problem with someone looking at me. A club is no different to a nudist beach. More so, I'm completely safe, cameras everywhere, it's so dark you can barely see anything anyway, and should you even look like you're going to touch me, those two massive fellas stood permanently outside the room, looking through the curtains, will launch you from here to the other side of the street.

You’ve missed the point spectacularly. The point is that you stigmatised the « girls » (another very telling slip of the tongue) and not the men.
perhaps try harder not to internalise the misogyny of the business you claim to work in.

What's your thoughts on onlyfans?

What about when strippers touch men though grinding on them naked and having nipples cms away from people faces, you can't tell me it doesn't happen or influences men to have another dance when it does.

Um why would you be living in poverty:? I read this and your subsequent post and it makes no sense, it yoh don’t want to leave him, just own it. But don’t blame your own kids and money.

she is likely to be grinding on him knickerless

Unlikely. Not impossible, but unlikely. Usually if you are knickerless you are dancing away from the customer at around a 3ft distance or sat still. For the simple reason it bloody hurts. You only catch your bits on someones metal button fly once to know it's not going to happen again.

and rubbing her vulva on his face

Jesus Christ, no! Like categoric no. This would have been instant dismissal in any places I'd ever worked. Dancer's bare skin, especially intimate parts do not touch a customers bare skin. You'd be permanently ill.

There is one awful place in Rotherham I believe, where a couple of girls were doing this. It spread (scuse the pun) through the industry like wildfire, and dancers were disgusted by it.

Never been to one but a filthy imagination, eh>

We are early 40s. He isn't a stupid person or someone who could be pressured into paying. Although I agree he has been monumentally stupid.

Yes he was drunk but he wasn't blind drunk as he knew when he needed to switch between paying on his personal account and then the other drinks and taxi home he paid on our joint account.

I am not using my own kids as I excuse. I earn 1433 per month and my mortgage is 1100. Yes I would be living in poverty and I don't want my children to be poor. It's not about me wanting his crappy wage!

So you claim benefits.

Yeah, maybe look into how you’d be entitled to as a single parent before you make any decisions?

He would have to pay maintenance. And wouldn't you be entitled to help - benefits to top up your wages and support your children?