Please help Husband and strip club

[ReadyforthechorusLTB]

My husband went on a works night out last night, he came home in a terrible state vomiting on the carpet that I cleaned to save the poor kids standing in it.
Anyway, I've picked up his pants and noticed an obviously stain at the front inside.
I confronted him and he said he went to a strip club. I asked to see his bank account immediately and he has spent £775 ! There is multiple charges some at £115 and even one for £230. Apparently this is the first time he has paid for a dance. I have downloaded a year's worth of statements and I can't see any other incidents.
To make things worse he slipped up and said he went alone after everyone else had gone home. Why?!!

Pre kids I would have walked away. But I have two young children, and leaving would completely change their lives for the worse. He earns more than I do, we have no outside support and I have no family to go to, and I couldn't manage the mortgage payments on my own.
I feel physically sick. I'm not sure how I am meant to trust him again!
Does anyone know what happens at strip clubs. What has he paid for. Is this just dances!

This the no touching rule is applied to the person paying for the dance not the stripper.

Haha agreed. I re-read my PP and sorry I think it came out a bit more aggressive than I intended!

Is it possible that he is lying about going alone and maybe doesn’t want to risk getting a colleague in trouble (maybe he thinks you’d contact their wife?). If he was with someone else then the payments could be for rounds of drinks.

If he really has gone alone then I’d say it’s something he’s done before, I can’t imagine someone randomly choosing to go to a strip club alone if it’s not something they’ve done previously, with or without friends.

I doubt he would go to another strip club on his own as well why would you when you have just left one. Maybe someone he was out with went to another one and they went to join them

I do believe he went alone, I don't know his colleagues so he isn't protecting anyone, he also started they went as a group, but then when I started question why some girls would go there with them, he admitted he went alone.

It is a lot to take in. I don't know what to do, we are acting like normal because of the kids.

He earns more than me monthly but I have significantly more savings that I share with him. I paid for his MOT from that for example. So I don't expect him to spend this money behind my back, we are meant to pool resources.

The girls walking around usually approach people in the club asking them if they’d like private dances. And that’s all it is - a dance. Granted it’s different to dancing on a dance floor with someone, but he wouldn’t have been allowed to touch

It's nice to think that but that's not always the case. The dancer/stripper whatever you want to call them can do all the touching they like, and some do. Believe me!

This is awful, it would destroy my marriage. It grosses me out the thought of men watching women and getting off all together, it's such an odd concept, let alone "dances", I mean that's just masturbating right? But in public with strangers.

It will just have been dances and he won't have touched anyone in there. Not that this really helps your situation OP

£230 for a dance? Strippers do touch only customers can't.

Sorry to be thick, my head is in bits, do you mean he has paid her more to touch him!

Just ask him to tell you the truth or you will ring up the club and ask for a price list for dances. Or you will go down there yourself.

I think this is awful for you, particularly as you have daughters. But it might clarify things for you if you did google these places he visited.
You then at least would have a clearer picture of what he chose to do. It takes away any illusion that there is any innocent reason for your DH to have gone to these clubs
I also agree with pp who said that if he indeed went by himself it will not have been the first time.

This won’t be the case. When they’re saying touch they mean when she’s dancing. There’s no way she’s touched him on the private areas etc I just don’t believe that. And he 100% wouldn’t have been allowed to touch her either.

Believe it! It happens. I don't know why people are so naive.

There have been lots of these threads on strip clubs/ lap dancing clubs where some posters are adamant there is a " no touching" rule that is strictly adhered to in all clubs.
These threads have often had posts from women who worked in the industry who have testified in often graphic detail that this is not the case. That some clubs turn a blind eye to the " no touching" rule and it is often up to the individual performer what she allows the client to pay for in private dances.
As pp poster says to actually believe no touching is the norm is naive.

He said it was just dances. I'm also extra pissed off as we have a mortgage application in and he has gone overdrawn so I've had to transfer money over to sub him for strippers!

What are you doing picking up his pants? Women are not slaves.

And as for spending money in this way? - honestly I would be talking with him about your standards and your concerns about his attitude to his fellow human beings, who happen to be female. I would talk with him about your values and how they seem to be incompatibles with his. I would talk to him about your concerns that your children would be brought up by someone with his lack of moral compass.

Only you can decide if there is any way you can get past this. I do not think I could. He has shown himself to be someone with poor values.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them

You said you can't leave him as this would change your children's lives for the worst. You will never be able to trust him again and children growing up in this type of toxic relationship will be emotionally damaged

I do understand what you are saying. But we would be living in poverty if I left him and I can't imagine that's great for them either.

He doesn't even have anywhere else to stay. His family live 100s miles away and I don't have any.

The PP didn't mean he paid her more to touch him OP, more that the rule is customers aren't allowed to touch but the strippers can.

Whilst abroad as a youngster I ended up very drunk in a strip club and someone bought a private dance for me as a laugh - I'm (mostly) straight. Obviously I didn't touch her but IME they seat you with your legs kinda spread apart - so there is light grinding. They make contact with you using parts of their body - not necessarily hands if that makes sense.

In terms of what you should do - depends how he usually is, and whether it was 'family' money he spent. It may have just been a curiosity thing for him - was for me. I never intend to do it again, and like I said I'm not even typically sexually attracted to women. I just thought ahhh why not at the time

So just to be clear is he saying he spunked his pants from having a private dance??

It’s positive that he has been truthful - he could have tried to lie.

Big shiny medal for him . He didn't volunteer the information. He owned up when the OP found stains in his pants (not envy). There's nothing remotely positive about any aspect of this.

I totally understand the financial difficulties of leaving BUT there's no way I'd be able to come back from this. He's shown you who he is and what he is capable of. He's shown you that he thinks it's fine to purchase access to a woman's body for his own titillation, and that he found that so enjoyable that he ejaculated. He's disgusting, frankly.

In a separation you will have some financial support from him for your children. It's hard to think about and your income and quality of life might suffer short term but you would not have to be driven mad thinking about who he is or what he has done.

I always think about the example I'm setting for my children, and the world I'm creating for them. I don't want my kids growing up in a world where people accept strip clubs as the norm, so I'd push back strongly on it, because it's important to me. Others feel strongly about other things I guess.

It's not an easy thing to end a marriage, for many reasons and it's understandable to not want to do that. Only you know what's the right thing. Good luck.

I’m very suspicious of strip clubs. Men don’t pay money to be sexually frustrated. No one does. Who wants to be be teased and aroused and nothing more?! You’re handing over money in exchange for sexual tension, not sexual relief. That’s madness. It’s like going to a restaurant, staring at the food and returning home hungry. Any man who regularly goes to strip clubs also pays for sex. I’d bet my life on it. Either he pays one of the strippers, or he leaves the club and goes to a brothel, or something.

I’m sorry for you OP. If it was a works do, I guess he could be excused on the grounds of peer pressure and alcohol. And it sounds like a one off. That said, I’m suspicious of how much he spent. What did he get in return? Sorry to be crude, but did he pay for a handjob in a back room or something like that?