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Original poster

Please help Husband and strip club

340 replies

ReadyforthechorusLTB · 05/05/2024 10:25

My husband went on a works night out last night, he came home in a terrible state vomiting on the carpet that I cleaned to save the poor kids standing in it.
Anyway, I've picked up his pants and noticed an obviously stain at the front inside.
I confronted him and he said he went to a strip club. I asked to see his bank account immediately and he has spent £775 ! There is multiple charges some at £115 and even one for £230. Apparently this is the first time he has paid for a dance. I have downloaded a year's worth of statements and I can't see any other incidents.
To make things worse he slipped up and said he went alone after everyone else had gone home. Why?!!

Pre kids I would have walked away. But I have two young children, and leaving would completely change their lives for the worse. He earns more than I do, we have no outside support and I have no family to go to, and I couldn't manage the mortgage payments on my own.
I feel physically sick. I'm not sure how I am meant to trust him again!
Does anyone know what happens at strip clubs. What has he paid for. Is this just dances!

OP posts:
Hartley99 · 05/05/2024 14:35

Outsideofsociety · 05/05/2024 11:16

Having just googled the clubs you mention I think whether he paid for a "dance" / more than one " dance" or "just"bought the women drinks is actually rather irrelevant. The fact he thought setting foot in such a place tells you all you need to know about his view of women as sex objects for male gratification.

Show quote history

And he is a full-grown man with kids. I could forgive someone who visited strip climbs or escorts in their teens or early twenties. Boys at that age are immature and driven half insane by their hormones. But a full-grown man with kids should know better. He should understand what a horrible world these women live in, and that he’s funding it.

sunflowrsngunpowdr · 05/05/2024 14:52

I'd be demanding a 2k 'gift' transferred directly
In to my bank account to make up for the insult of him spending so much on strangers and tell him if he wants to earn some of it back he can give you a strip dance and he better make it good. Tongue in cheek of course but perhaps if you aren't going to leave him and think he made a one off bad decision ... try not to let it drive you apart further.

Original poster
ReadyforthechorusLTB · 05/05/2024 14:53

Thanks for your replies.

If I read this I would absolutely agree and think LTB.

I just can't believe this is me, and my life. I thought I had one of the good ones, I didn't think he would ever let me down like this.

I don't think it has sunk in yet. He has thrown a grenade into our lives for nothing. We have been through so much as a family with bereavement and we were finally getting our lives and track and he has done this.

OP posts:
therealcookiemonster · 05/05/2024 14:54

Mrssw24 · 05/05/2024 10:30

Hey, I totally get how you are feeling. That heavy feeling of dread in your stomach, and over comed with sickness and confusion. Although the thoughts in your head won’t be nice, you need to remember that this is a one off, he’s not done it before and hopefully when he understands how upset you are he won’t go again. In strip clubs there’s usually girls walking around with minimal clothing on, some may have pole dancers on stage too. The girls walking around usually approach people in the club asking them if they’d like private dances. And that’s all it is - a dance. Granted it’s different to dancing on a dance floor with someone, but he wouldn’t have been allowed to touch , kiss her etc, and it wouldn’t have went any further than a dance. I’m not sure if this will help or make you feel any better, but I hope you are ok.

don't be ridiculous

Original poster
ReadyforthechorusLTB · 05/05/2024 14:56

sunflowrsngunpowdr · 05/05/2024 14:52

I'd be demanding a 2k 'gift' transferred directly
In to my bank account to make up for the insult of him spending so much on strangers and tell him if he wants to earn some of it back he can give you a strip dance and he better make it good. Tongue in cheek of course but perhaps if you aren't going to leave him and think he made a one off bad decision ... try not to let it drive you apart further.

Ha thanks. First time I've laughed today. I'd rather not have a lap dance from him though, I don't know how I am ever going to want to go near him again right now to be honest!

OP posts:
RosieIs44 · 05/05/2024 15:02

ReadyforthechorusLTB · 05/05/2024 11:53

I do believe he went alone, I don't know his colleagues so he isn't protecting anyone, he also started they went as a group, but then when I started question why some girls would go there with them, he admitted he went alone.

It is a lot to take in. I don't know what to do, we are acting like normal because of the kids.

He earns more than me monthly but I have significantly more savings that I share with him. I paid for his MOT from that for example. So I don't expect him to spend this money behind my back, we are meant to pool resources.

Show quote history

Hmm. I have a feeling he went with a female colleague from this…

QueenBitch666 · 05/05/2024 15:03

Get rid. He's fucking repulsive

JungleJimmy · 05/05/2024 15:07

When you say your life would be worse if you divorced, you mean financially, yes?

Being married to a man who uses sex workers isn't exactly a fabulous life style is it?

Decide what's more important to you; the house you live in and the contents of your bank account, or the integrity of your relationships; do you want to live with a man who thinks he can buy women?

If you don't want to give up your current lifestyle, make a plan. Decide when the kids are X age, or you have more financial independence or whatever it is, you'll divorce then.

Get him to have an STD test (if he's prepared to pay to be wanked off into his trousers, think what he'd do with someone who offered it for free??)

You haven't got one of the good ones, you've got a wolf in sheep's clothing.

Protect yourself, emotionally, financially and if you stay with him expect him to do it again as you're essentially giving him the green light to do so by "forgiving" him.

therealcookiemonster · 05/05/2024 15:11

OP health first. get an STI check for yourself and him

he is a repulsive disgusting man. get rid

my mother stayed so we would be "financially secure". we would have been so much better off had she left in the first instance.

Marjoriefrobisher · 05/05/2024 15:12

Just arrange a night out with your
friends, and tell him you’ll spend as much as you like and if you get any appealing sexual offers you’ll consider yourself entirely free to accept them.
then come home and puke on his side of the bed.
that should even things up a bit.

Dadjoke007 · 05/05/2024 15:13

Ok. Guys perspective.

I have been out with work and gone to a lap dancing bar. I had a dance as my boss paid for it and I did not have the balls to decline. It was hands on the chair, no touching, and I hated it.

on a later stag do I was one of the few to decline and got piss ripped out of me for doing so (and my friends are sensible people, teacher, copper, lecturer). From memory its like £50 for 10 mins.

to spend that means he got ripped off or bought loads of booze. Most places do not allow extras. But I would be gutted if my OH had spent that much.

Original poster
ReadyforthechorusLTB · 05/05/2024 15:19

Yes financial but please don't think I'm putting lifestyle above my children's wellbeing, but I would have to move school/nursery, plus they would hardly see their Dad and we would be really poor. I've hardly got a lot of money now, especially by Mumsnet standards I have never taken them abroad or anything. He isn't well paid by any stretch either but we only manage because we have 2 incomes. He spent about third of his monthly take home pay last night! I grew up poor and my Mum had to work two jobs. It was really really hard. I wanted better for my children.

OP posts:
Mrssw24 · 05/05/2024 15:26

therealcookiemonster · 05/05/2024 14:54

don't be ridiculous

Show quote history

Don’t you be ridiculous!

Aquamarine1029 · 05/05/2024 15:29

I'm so sorry, op. This just absolutely sucks. I'd be so angry I think I would throttle him.

Elsewhere123 · 05/05/2024 15:31

He's been an idiot and drunk and probably ripped off by the clubs. Breathe. Wait. Think health STI check for both of you even if he says no touching happened just for your peace of mind. Think money, ask for print outs of his bank statements each month going forward to reassure you it was a one off. If behaviour repeats you gave a problem. If not he's been a drunk idiot. It happens.

therealcookiemonster · 05/05/2024 15:32

Mrssw24 · 05/05/2024 15:26

Don’t you be ridiculous!

Show quote history

I'm not the one justifying and excusing the disgusting behaviour of OPs husband and portraying a very innocent and ridiculously inaccurate picture of what goes on in strip clubs.

you are encouraging another woman to stay with someone who is happy to literally spaff a massive chunk of his monthly income on objectifying women and who knows what else

NorthUtsireSouthUtsire · 05/05/2024 15:33

Perhaps this is because I am older but I honestly think this is NOT a LTB scenario. It is a give him a bloody hard time sort of thing. He has royally fucked up and needs to grovel BIG TIME... pissed out of his head and made shocking decisions should not mean your entire family plunges into poverty. Because of his poor behaviour.

therealcookiemonster · 05/05/2024 15:34

Elsewhere123 · 05/05/2024 15:31

He's been an idiot and drunk and probably ripped off by the clubs. Breathe. Wait. Think health STI check for both of you even if he says no touching happened just for your peace of mind. Think money, ask for print outs of his bank statements each month going forward to reassure you it was a one off. If behaviour repeats you gave a problem. If not he's been a drunk idiot. It happens.

yes. absolutely its the clubs fault and not his. poor diddums. bet he hated it

Orchidlie22 · 05/05/2024 15:34

My ex went to a strop club on his own and paid for a private dance. I found it very difficult to understand what he got from it that I wasn't/couldn't give him. I still don't know but he is my ex!

Andyls · 05/05/2024 15:37

I don't understand how he orgasmed without been touched especially drunk.

Also no way is a dance £230 or even £115 so ask him excatly what he paid for. If he won't
/can't tell you ring the club and ask them for a price list.

TheTypewriter · 05/05/2024 15:41

ReadyforthechorusLTB · 05/05/2024 15:19

Yes financial but please don't think I'm putting lifestyle above my children's wellbeing, but I would have to move school/nursery, plus they would hardly see their Dad and we would be really poor. I've hardly got a lot of money now, especially by Mumsnet standards I have never taken them abroad or anything. He isn't well paid by any stretch either but we only manage because we have 2 incomes. He spent about third of his monthly take home pay last night! I grew up poor and my Mum had to work two jobs. It was really really hard. I wanted better for my children.

I think the logistics of leaving feel very overwhelming and terrifying. There may be support you'd be entitled to, and he'd have to pay you child maintenance. It is possible, and you could do it - and you would never have to watch your household money be funnelled into strip clubs. You wouldn't feel angry and humiliated and you wouldn't have to live with a man pathetic enough to do this.

But you don't have to decide everything at once. You can take your time and figure it out. He thinks he has you trapped now with two young kids and that he can behave how he wants, but you will have more options than you know.

Elsewhere123 · 05/05/2024 15:44

therealcookiemonster · 05/05/2024 15:34

yes. absolutely its the clubs fault and not his. poor diddums. bet he hated it

Show quote history

It is not the clubs' 'fault' , it is their business model and he got played when drunk. I would suggest OP asks him to consider giving up drinking for 3 to 4 months as a repayment to family finances.

ginasevern · 05/05/2024 15:46

I'm so sorry OP. When you said you thought you had one of the "good ones" it almost made me cry because I thought that of my husband. It makes you feel sick to the pit of your stomach doesn't it. I don't think you'll get over this, he will forever be, quite rightly, repulsive to you now.

GingerPirate · 05/05/2024 15:46

F me.
No advice, just sympathies.
I don't know what my reaction would be
if husband behaved like this, however,
he IS three decades older.
Thanks goodness.
Sorry, OP.
🤮😡

Thevelvelletes · 05/05/2024 15:49

Dadjoke007 · 05/05/2024 15:13

Ok. Guys perspective.

I have been out with work and gone to a lap dancing bar. I had a dance as my boss paid for it and I did not have the balls to decline. It was hands on the chair, no touching, and I hated it.

on a later stag do I was one of the few to decline and got piss ripped out of me for doing so (and my friends are sensible people, teacher, copper, lecturer). From memory its like £50 for 10 mins.

to spend that means he got ripped off or bought loads of booze. Most places do not allow extras. But I would be gutted if my OH had spent that much.

I think he got ripped off ,these places aren't adverse to stitching up drunk customers and putting large amounts on payments.