Please help Husband and strip club

[ReadyforthechorusLTB]

My husband went on a works night out last night, he came home in a terrible state vomiting on the carpet that I cleaned to save the poor kids standing in it.
Anyway, I've picked up his pants and noticed an obviously stain at the front inside.
I confronted him and he said he went to a strip club. I asked to see his bank account immediately and he has spent £775 ! There is multiple charges some at £115 and even one for £230. Apparently this is the first time he has paid for a dance. I have downloaded a year's worth of statements and I can't see any other incidents.
To make things worse he slipped up and said he went alone after everyone else had gone home. Why?!!

Pre kids I would have walked away. But I have two young children, and leaving would completely change their lives for the worse. He earns more than I do, we have no outside support and I have no family to go to, and I couldn't manage the mortgage payments on my own.
I feel physically sick. I'm not sure how I am meant to trust him again!
Does anyone know what happens at strip clubs. What has he paid for. Is this just dances!

It said I would get £149 a month, I put in a guess he would have to give me £650 a month. I still couldn't afford to pay all the bills. I still pay childcare too.

I can't think straight to be honest. Some of these replies are disgusting. It isn't a joke. This is my life.

Thanks for all the people that have chosen to be kind and compassionate towards me x

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

You don’t need to make an rash decisions right now.

Ask him to stay somewhere else for a few days or sleep on the sofa until you get your head around it and work out your next steps.

Staying with him is one thing. Would you be able to bring yourself to have sex with him again

I haven't missed the point at all.

I don't "claim" anything either. It's fact.

Unlike your staggering lack of knowledge but self declared superior guesswork.

The men are largely fine. The girls are largely fine. There are strict rules and everyone abides.

And you get occasional dirtbags on both sides. The girls get sacked on the spot. The guys get ejected from the building, style dependent on how close you are to the doorman. Neither return again.

I was a big, big earner. I had two doormen I worked closely with. They would signal out big spenders to me that I may not have known, so I could make a bee line before another girl did. I would tip them £50-100 a night each. They massively looked after me, and if someone literally sniffed at me the wrong way, they'd be gone. Don't get me wrong, I'm under no illusion of beautiful friendship, they wanted their best tipper safe and happy.

Anyway, before OP's thread gets derailed further by those who are determined their imagination based strip clubs are a far better source of information.... OP if you want to PM me I'll happily answer anything you want to ask.

Weird as it may sound, what you're imagining has happened, is far worse than anything that did. Your DH got fleeced for £800 by girls who, to be fair, could sell ice to the Eskimos.

It all depends where your personal boundaries are. Are you ok that he was very close with a naked woman stranger? Sure, in a business sense, but that's what it basically comes down too. Ironically I wouldn't be, but that's my personal boundary in my own relationship. I quit the industry 6 weeks after I met my now DH. I'd also be livid at the amount spent, but again that's more personal. If my DH spent £800 in a strip club, when I can do the bloody same, probably better for free at home, I'd be fuming at the waste of money.

I wouldn't personally leave over this. What I would do would be put him on a final, final warning. Say that if ANYTHING like this ever happens again, it is sudden death. Also, look at his drinking problem. This doesn't sound like a stripper problem, it sounds like a drink issue and that can be nipped in the bud. Don't take any notice of the people who say that you need to leave over this. It isn't their marriage, it's yours. That said, he has fucked up in a big way and he doesn't get to just shrug this off.

It will take time for you to take stock of the situation and do that at your pace as you say this is your life not a game.good luck in whatever you decide to do.

@ReadyforthechorusLTB
Dr Irene Kassorla (psychologist type, years ago) said if a husband spends X amount of money on himself, a wife should do the same for herself, every time, until he understands that he can't behave like that. So, what do you want for yourself that's £800+?
If you can't leave him right now, live separately in the same house. Bed down with the children. Grey rock him, tell him nothing, let him think you're angry and might get over it.
Gather your information, look at sites (ChumpLady? etc) by people who have been where you are. See a solicitor.
Don't believe a word of his apologies. Actions matter. Words are easy. What is it he has done? Oh yes, spent a fortune in one night getting off. Nothing he says can make up for that. He's just proved he isn't fit to be a husband and father. It's not up to you to rehabilitate him. Focus on yourself and your children.

Yep this.

Just because your head is spinning and you can't make sense of it at the moment:

Think about the fact he went to two clubs, means sod all "untoward" happened in the first - because if it was some sort of sordid sex house, he wouldn't have left to find another.

He gets to the next. And spends essentially sod all in strip club terms. Probably the "what the actual fuck have I just blown my money on" from the last place is starting to set in.

It's easy for me to say, because I know what (doesn't) go on, but I wouldn't care if my DH went to one, as long as it wasn't local because there's my personal friends working there. If he spent £50, sure, whatever. Anything over that I'd not care about the physical dance, just why the hell he's spending lots on dances when he's married to a bloody good ex dancer.

If you want me to work down your prices I can pretty much talk you through what he's paid for.

Op of course he got a wank at the very least. I'm always surprised that some STILL try to insist it's all virtuous no touching with theatrical sitting on hands 🙄 and more surprised some believe it, or want to believe it maybe.

So sorry op. Your DH is an extremely unpleasant man who spent £800 to jizz in his pants.

´I do understand what you are saying. But we would be living in poverty if I left him and I can't imagine that's great for them either.

He doesn't even have anywhere else to stay. His family live 100s miles away and I don't have any.´

Separating is hard financially yes but there's always a way to go about it. Life goes on. It's not impossible. The poverty is short term. Much better than living with this idiot.I wouldn't buy a house with him if I were you.

How many clubs have you worked in? Even stepped inside?

I couldn’t forgive him after this. It’s one thing if everyone was going and he went along (didn’t pay for a private dance etc) but I couldn’t forgive him for going alone and paying for dances (probably more).

He’s spent a lot of money that he clearly didn’t have to spend as he’s gone overdrawn. If he was switching between his account and the joint account he knew what he was doing was wrong and purposely planned it so you wouldn’t find out. He also went to a second club so clearly didn’t regret going to the first one.

Enough to know "no touching" is absolute bollocks in a very high number of them. They ain't exactly going to say "get your happy ending to your evening here" are they? 🤣

Honestly baffles me people think women fall for this shite. (Edited - obviously some women do fall for it)

@ReadyforthechorusLTB my heart sunk for you reading this this morning.
When bad things happen our minds run at a million miles an hour, thinking about the impact next week, next month, next year.
Just focus on right now and what you can do about now. What's in your control?
Your relationship will sadly never be the same as it was yesterday, this will always be here now moving forward. Think about how that'll make you feel once the dust settles.

I'm so so sorry this has happened to you. Sending you lots of love and hoping you can find some peace.

Good advice.

Also how did he have a orgasm with no touching involved while drunk.

It's, well, there's no other way to say it but you're lying.

You say you've been in enough. You certainly haven't worked in any. And on the basis you're making up the polar opposite of my (in excess of a decade) daily work experience, it's strange you insist you've been in enough (probably once, it's usually once or never when this nonsense gets trotted out) to actually try and suggest you know more than a highly experienced dancer.

She could have been sat on his lap, naked.

She could have been snogging another dancer (not my bag, but I knew quite a few of the younger girls would do this and it's honestly shocking how easily some men ejaculate over this)

It's really not as uncommon as you think. Some guys, again mainly younger to be fair, would do simply by the girl undressing because of the association with a naked woman and what would happen typically if a woman suggestively undressed in front of them.

Thank you for writing this. I really appreciate your kind words x

You've never touched during dancing not there arms or thighs or anything or held there hand to lead them to a private dance?

Oh dear, you really think men give a damn about feminist ideology?

Best thing she can do is get rid, send him packing for abit. That will put the fear of God in him.

Just to clarify, you're actually saying that if laughed and touched someone's arm at the bar, we should all pearl clutch that it's "touching" as per what we're discussing on this thread.

I mean there's pearl clutching, and then there's straw clutching.

I think I've said very clearly that you can sit on people. I have addressed the "knickerless grinding" that an amateur might try, as I said, they'll only do it on a button fly once to know not to be so silly again. Yes, you sit on people , momentarily. Then you're up again. That's why it's often called a lapdance. But this idea that a dancer sits on someone's crotch nude and furiously grinds for ten minutes is just wrong. You more typically would sit on their lap with your back to them, (your legs look about 6ft long that way) and it's all about the illusion, more moving from sexy pose to sexy pose. Another example of contact: I would touch someone's shoulder, should they start leaning forward, firmly but with a smile, as I know how to get very close whilst making no contact, and if they keep leaning forward unexpectedly, I can't gage that, so I needed to in control of that aspect. You do get very close. But because, guess what, we don't want to bump our body into some random guy, you don't just shove your boobs a millimetre from their face continuously for 5 minutes and hope no one ever gets tempted. Sounds funny but you almost swoop past. It's all very smoothly done but we are in control at all times.

And no, I don't hold someone's hand to lead them anywhere. Like you're taking a toddler to the toilet. Especially when holding a card machine in the other because you're about to talk them into parting with hundreds. I would typically walk with the card machine in one hand and my other with my bag held over the top, masking the machine. Most clubs have a person do the payments for you to be honest.

Ok. First off all clubs are not created equal. Some will firmly adhere to the "rules", some won't. My own husband told me about his experiences (from before we were together) and why on earth would he lie about it?! I'd expect quite the opposite.) Also heard similar stories from male friends. There are some less salubrious clubs where a lot more touching goes on, probably with the intent of extracting/conning more money out of the poor muppet but it does exist. And just because you've danced in one club doesn't not mean you've seen what goes on in other clubs.

Totally agree op. It's your life not a soap opera.
You are in a horrible situation, not of your making.
What ever you decide to do I wish you well.