Please help Husband and strip club

[ReadyforthechorusLTB]

My husband went on a works night out last night, he came home in a terrible state vomiting on the carpet that I cleaned to save the poor kids standing in it.
Anyway, I've picked up his pants and noticed an obviously stain at the front inside.
I confronted him and he said he went to a strip club. I asked to see his bank account immediately and he has spent £775 ! There is multiple charges some at £115 and even one for £230. Apparently this is the first time he has paid for a dance. I have downloaded a year's worth of statements and I can't see any other incidents.
To make things worse he slipped up and said he went alone after everyone else had gone home. Why?!!

Pre kids I would have walked away. But I have two young children, and leaving would completely change their lives for the worse. He earns more than I do, we have no outside support and I have no family to go to, and I couldn't manage the mortgage payments on my own.
I feel physically sick. I'm not sure how I am meant to trust him again!
Does anyone know what happens at strip clubs. What has he paid for. Is this just dances!

Definitely. I find most activists compelled to set up their own website presenting only one view point completely unbiased.

It's really sad but there's simply no question, he could easily have been offered extras most places do. No surprise of course, it's literally the sex industry selling sex. Probably just lots of naked grinding since he came in his trousers though.

Either way, what a grub he is. Hope the OP thinks clearly, once she has time to process. He's almost certainly not been caught the first time, the odds are microscopic of that. And since he's a liar and a cheat, chances are high he'll do it again.

It's up to the OP if she can live with that, and with him throwing her children's money away for nothing. Hope she's got someone in real life to support her.

Thanks for the link, really helpful and extremely well researched information. I didn't need it, already knew the truth, but great info for those who've been fooled by the lies so often told.

And even if he wasn't offered extras or didn't get any that doesn't mean that he didn't ask.
And in my eyes trying to get 'extras' is as bad as actually getting them.

Maybe that's why he went to the second club, because in the first they said they didn't do extras so he went to another to see if it was the same there.

And sadly, his wife will never know the truth, as he's a proven liar with a vested interest in lying further. Very hard lesson for her to learn though.

Oh sorry, I assumed the addition of the word "with" made it clear I was referring to some of the information contained within (unbiased factual sources such as police reports, court judgement, legal summaries etc.).

I guess someone wouldn't know what info is on there unless you click, and I completely get why you wouldn't want to tbf.

Excellent post

Yes, I'm most likely too delusional/scared/controlled/brainwashed to be faced with the ramblings on an "unbiased" activist website.

Isn't it funny that you can read a whole website of propaganda by people who know as much as you that would be nothing, but let's not forget the Google reviews you've seen, yet sneer "are you drunk" and pretend to be incapable of reading any actual evidence that doesn't play along with your theories.

I'd probably send them in links to your "factual Google reviews". It's what they live off. Unfounded drama speak. Within the hour there'll be "New, real life harrowing accounts have come to light, when will the police act?". They'll love it, it's as valid a source as everything else they peddle, and that doesn't matter to them.

It really is, thanks for quoting it, I missed it.

And, of course, she'll never know if it was just titillation or outright prostitution as happens regularly in strip clubs, since he cannot be trusted to be honest.

I just hope she makes her decision with her eyes open. It's all so grim and grubby and sad.

I only replied earlier to clarify what I meant I'm not getting into it all again with you, I think I speak for everyone when I say it was getting boring and pointless all round

But with your accounting and finance quals and background would you know if the card surcharge thing I mentioned was correct? (businesses can't charge card surcharges to individuals) Or are strip clubs exempt from FCA regs? Or did I interpret them wrong maybe?

Just thinking if the £7.50 / £15 card surcharges per transaction you referenced earlier in the thread as likely to have been applied aren't actually allowed then maybe op could at least try and get some money back if they have applied them (or should I say her DH should look into it!).

How would op find out? (Might be useful info for future thread readers too!)

I was just about to type something similar.

In the midst of the buying of LTB and get your ducks in a row, catching up this morning, had I been OP I would be very grateful for that input.

If I was sitting feeling sick wondering what happened the frank working out of the prices and what they provably were hugely helpful in getting clarity.

Now not being familiar with that sort of club, I don't know if it's common that more goes on, maybe it does maybe not but it's up to the OP to get her head round whether that itemised list is accurate and if it is whether it's a step too far.

I would be fit to be tied furious, both at the sleezeeness and the sheer fact that the money involved wasted in a couple of hours could have given us a family break away or something useful.

And I would stay furious but I don't think I would break up my marriage over it. He's offered to get his salary paid into their one account, he seems to genuinely want to make it up to her. She loves him, it's not just the money aspect. But it would be one chance only, he was a fucking idiot but may have learned his lesson.

So yes I say thanks to @WillYouPutYourCoatOn as I think she spent time setting out honestly what happened in a timeline so OP can try to come to terms with it.

just watching thisthread with interest and actually @WillYouPutYourCoatOn is not the one coming across as aggressive. I think she’s been helpful, very articulate and has given an insight into an industry that most of us don’t have and just rely on rumours, internal bias and second hand knowledge to form an opinion. It’s also helped the OP, who has thanked her.

@WillYouPutYourCoatOn you should write a memoir

This.

The 100s of clubs that haven’t been closed and 1000s of dancers who haven’t ‘broken rules’ don’t make the news, appear in reports or attract the attention of activists. I’m not sure why that’s hard to understand.

i don’t have any personal investment in this issue, but I always take anything an ‘activist’ says / produces with a pinch of salt.

Indeed. Not one person knows what happened that night. Loads of pages talking about him getting a wank and worse. Not really helping OP.

A probable timeline has given OP a chance to work out whether it was dances or "extras" and to start thinking whether it's a step too far either way for her to live with. I think that's hugely helpful in a practical way, rather than those making up in their heads the worst case scenario.

OP I hope you are feeling a little better whatever decision you make.

Activists didn’t create the court judgments, government reports or police reports - they’re simply linking them. Which you’d know if you bothered to look.

Presumably you’re also saying all of those reports are also biased and made up and multiple clubs weren’t shut down? Because that’s what I’m talking about here - not opinion, facts.

What you want to do with those facts is a different matter, but it is, frankly, weird that you’re trying to say that activists made up legal cases.

She was screaming such crass abuse three of her comments were deleted. Mods said stop derailing, let's do as they asked.

Her obsession with fairy tales has derailed the thread and given false information to a vulnerable, desperate

Strippers are sometimes prostitutes. That's just reality.

Pretty sure the OP left the thread long ago anyway. Hope she processed the truth and is making her difficult choices based on reality.

Just to clarify I directly quoted the "crass screaming abuse" from what posters had said to me. For balance I should go and report all those I guess.

The irony, they can't bear to have their own words merely repeated back at them. They can make vile accusations of other women. That sits fine with them. But if someone says, "oh, well sure, if you can completely fabricate that's what I do, then as far as I'm concerned you do the same."....

In fairness, most of what I quoted was from @Megifer and she was not the one who had such double standards to apply those terms to other women, but wail for deletion if the exact same unfounded accusations are applied to them. You'll see in a prior post I spoke about the pack mentality.

So thank you for acknowledging the crass screaming abuse I copied from this thread, directed at strippers.

Bit of an own goal there, eh.

And no, I was not reprimanded by anyone. MN commented to address the "bun fight" from many posters. Including yourself.

Also @Megifer I know the card charges weren't allowed back when I was dancing. They were, then a law came in disallowing it. There was no big announcement though, so many clubs (and loads of other businesses) didn't know, until someone pointed it out. I would say the law came in maybe 5yrs before I finished dancing. And at that time, at least 50% of clubs were still applying card charges. It doesn't surprise me some still are. I'm not sure if there have been further changes which make these charges ok again? Maybe a credit card can have a surcharge, just not a debit?

I certainly know that when I was working for a sub branch of Spearmint, it literally happened by one of the girls, a good year after the law came in, saying "I don't think you can do these card charges any more?" And the boss saying "don't be daft, since when" and her saying "look it up, I'm sure we can't" and him coming back about half an hour later "oh shit, you're not wrong." And the next week, country wide, all our card charges had gone. And this was a huge organisation. They just didn't know. It was very strange how there was no real announcement, loads of businesses, not just strip clubs were caught out.

Thank you muchly :)

I am well aware I'm not the one coming across as aggressive. I know I'm articulate and considered. (And fucking patient )

I know I've helped the OP and she has thanked me.

Honestly, if I had a tenner for every woman like the ones on this thread who churned out the same boring copy and paste nastiness throughout my career, I'd have probably out earned my dance money.

Have actually thought about writing a memoir. You honestly couldn't believe some of the things I experienced. And I'm so very grateful I got those experiences. And I never would have, if I hadn't been a dancer.

I think OP can get past the evening as an isolated event. I'm not sure she will get past the always wondering if he's gone to one again every time he goes out. And in my honest opinion, now he knows the lay of the land so to speak, I think he'd go into one again. Maybe not for a year or so. And not to get rinsed for £800. But hand on heart, could I tell her that in my professional experience, will he never return? No. He pretty much will. Just only spending a hundred or so, that he can hide easily.

Thanks for your articulate comments and offering well researched information. Hopefully if the OP returns she'll click the link and accept reality, because whatever she does it needs to be with eyes wide open.

@WillYouPutYourCoatOn

Just wanted to say thanks for your input, I've found your posts hugely informative and your writing style very engaging!

And you haven't sugar coated what you think of the situation.

I'd read your book😁😁

I've not RTFT. My DH did similar, but not to the extent of £800. He took money away on a stag do and the cost came out of that. Someone up thread posted something along the lines of "what could the dancer/stripper give my DH that he couldn't get from me". This really resonated with me. Over a year on and I still think about why my DH did it. It left me feeling ugly/fat/disgusting (I have huge body image issues). I will probably never get over it. To make it worse, DH has ED and refuses to take viagra even though I brought it (he said he was embarrassed to buy it). I see it as just doesn't want sex with me.

@PriscillaPresssley

Totally agree

That's a good idea, hope she can wrestle back a little of the family money her selfish dh threw away for nothing.

Just a wee point.

I can tell you OP cares not a jot about reclaiming card surcharges in the scheme of things.

Unless she wants DH to ring up and ask for his multiples of £7.50 reimbursed in an attempt to make him feel humiliated. But very unlikely. She doesn't want to think about it ever again.