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Please help Husband and strip club

340 replies

ReadyforthechorusLTB · 05/05/2024 10:25

My husband went on a works night out last night, he came home in a terrible state vomiting on the carpet that I cleaned to save the poor kids standing in it.
Anyway, I've picked up his pants and noticed an obviously stain at the front inside.
I confronted him and he said he went to a strip club. I asked to see his bank account immediately and he has spent £775 ! There is multiple charges some at £115 and even one for £230. Apparently this is the first time he has paid for a dance. I have downloaded a year's worth of statements and I can't see any other incidents.
To make things worse he slipped up and said he went alone after everyone else had gone home. Why?!!

Pre kids I would have walked away. But I have two young children, and leaving would completely change their lives for the worse. He earns more than I do, we have no outside support and I have no family to go to, and I couldn't manage the mortgage payments on my own.
I feel physically sick. I'm not sure how I am meant to trust him again!
Does anyone know what happens at strip clubs. What has he paid for. Is this just dances!

OP posts:
Abitofhassle · 06/05/2024 13:28

Personally I would be really, really pissed off with this drunken behaviour too but wouldn’t be in a hurry to upheave my family’s life.
He was drunk and daft, these places are set up to rip punters off, especially drunk men, as much as possible. The girls will often request a punter to buy them a drink and get charged astronomical prices.
I really feel for you, this an awful experience to be going through.

Megifer · 06/05/2024 13:37

strangewomenlyinginponds · 06/05/2024 13:19

It's definitely NOT always just dancing. They're not wearing bikinis, generally totally naked and are often prostitutes, of course. Many make tips giving wanks and blow jobs in private rooms.

I don't know why some women try so hard to minimise strippers - strip bars exist solely to give sleazy men a hard on so they'll part with cash. Of COURSE that often leads to sex and sexual activity.

He cheated on you regardless of how far he went. You can't trust him. Process and accept that, then deal with reality as you choose.

Edited

I've wondered if there's a concern that if its widely acknowledged it goes on, it threatens the industry maybe? Like a closing of the ranks type thing? "Shhh never admit it goes on otherwise the blokes wives will definitely not be ok with it" but tbh I think I'm overthinking that 😬

I reckon it's just a case of "ive never seen it and the rules say xyz so it doesn't happen" or "well my boyfriend who used to go says it doesn't happen" type thing. So a mix of naivete and ignorance being bliss. No one wants to believe their other half has been somewhere that allows this.

WillYouPutYourCoatOn · 06/05/2024 13:37

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Andyls · 06/05/2024 13:42

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Maybe she has a job were been propositioned for sex is not part of her role.

strangewomenlyinginponds · 06/05/2024 13:45

Megifer · 06/05/2024 13:37

I've wondered if there's a concern that if its widely acknowledged it goes on, it threatens the industry maybe? Like a closing of the ranks type thing? "Shhh never admit it goes on otherwise the blokes wives will definitely not be ok with it" but tbh I think I'm overthinking that 😬

I reckon it's just a case of "ive never seen it and the rules say xyz so it doesn't happen" or "well my boyfriend who used to go says it doesn't happen" type thing. So a mix of naivete and ignorance being bliss. No one wants to believe their other half has been somewhere that allows this.

Yeah, desperate women will believe anything I guess. Such a grubby, grotty place for him to choose to visit. I'm sorry for the OP, but telling herself fairy tales won't help.

Megifer · 06/05/2024 13:51

Andyls · 06/05/2024 13:42

Maybe she has a job were been propositioned for sex is not part of her role.

Not yet, though my service contract does say "and other reasonable services as determined by the project scope" so I guess there's still time for that deliverable to be included on to the timeline 🤣😩

strangewomenlyinginponds · 06/05/2024 13:58

ReadyforthechorusLTB · 06/05/2024 13:03

Thank you for explaining, especially about the amounts, that does make sense.

With this info I've asked him and he said it was pretty accurate, no touching was involved and he has now confessed it was mainly the same woman persuading him for more.

To be honest, I'm glad she was paid well to put up with man user her for his sexual gratification. I don't blame her, she was doing her job.

He said his friends left early and he was disappointed as he wanted to carry on on the night out. He went for a drink in a bar but was bored. Then he walked passed the strip club and asked in for a drink and dance.

He said he was feeling lonely and old and was too easily persuaded and enjoyed the attention, so he was easily talked into more and more.

He said he had some money set aside and he just thought I wouldn't find out. He ended up spending more than he had realised.

He has said he will close his account and get paid into the joint account (I do this) and then I will be able to see that he doesn't spend his money inappropriately.

I did find one charge for porn download i assume over the last 18 months but nothing else untoward. I can live with porn.

Thanks for everyone's comments. I really do appreciate your opinions as I feel like I can't go to any real life friends about this.

Remember that they NEVER admit everything they've done. Ever. And they never get caught the first time.

However bad you think it is, it's worse.

Assume he's lying, he has every reason to lie and none to admit the truth.

WillYouPutYourCoatOn · 06/05/2024 14:06

ReadyforthechorusLTB · 06/05/2024 13:03

Thank you for explaining, especially about the amounts, that does make sense.

With this info I've asked him and he said it was pretty accurate, no touching was involved and he has now confessed it was mainly the same woman persuading him for more.

To be honest, I'm glad she was paid well to put up with man user her for his sexual gratification. I don't blame her, she was doing her job.

He said his friends left early and he was disappointed as he wanted to carry on on the night out. He went for a drink in a bar but was bored. Then he walked passed the strip club and asked in for a drink and dance.

He said he was feeling lonely and old and was too easily persuaded and enjoyed the attention, so he was easily talked into more and more.

He said he had some money set aside and he just thought I wouldn't find out. He ended up spending more than he had realised.

He has said he will close his account and get paid into the joint account (I do this) and then I will be able to see that he doesn't spend his money inappropriately.

I did find one charge for porn download i assume over the last 18 months but nothing else untoward. I can live with porn.

Thanks for everyone's comments. I really do appreciate your opinions as I feel like I can't go to any real life friends about this.

Ah, I'm pleased to hear it @ReadyforthechorusLTB . Whilst it's not much of a consolation, I'm telling you what I pretty much can see as the events of the evening/transactions and have no reason to lie to you.

He's then confirmed this when you've questioned him, so I would genuinely chalk this up to him being stupid and reckless for one evening. Not to say he's getting off for spending that amount of family money, but I promise you, if he'd had a few drinks before he went in, then uttered the words "I've never been in here before" he didn't stand much of a chance.

I'm not excusing him as a poor little man who had no control of his own actions. But more that he wasn't a weak little sap, you'd have to be damn strong willed to not get talked into something by a big hitter. Rabbit in headlights would be an understatement. And he was drunk. From the minute the scout on the street approached him, it's all a very smooth sales transaction by a very experienced team, from door to bar staff to dancer.

A lot of women think their partner would never, ever, ever go for a dance. And that's why they blame it all on the man who has done, his choice, he did it all. Sober, perhaps this is more true. But I can't stress enough if they are clouded with alcohol, I can tell you 99% of these men who would "never ever" have a dance, a big hitter will have in the dance room in under ten minutes. You have no idea. Last place I worked I was the second highest earner. Top girl would clear £3k minimum a week. And worked 3 nights a week. She isn't clearing £150k+ a year because she's vapidly flashing her boobs.

I think if he understands how unacceptable this is to you, so he is under no illusion what would happen should he ever do so again, you can work through this.

WillYouPutYourCoatOn · 06/05/2024 14:08

Andyls · 06/05/2024 13:42

Maybe she has a job were been propositioned for sex is not part of her role.

So? I know she does them. They all do. That's what happens in her industry. Of which I have no knowledge.

WillYouPutYourCoatOn · 06/05/2024 14:10

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strangewomenlyinginponds · 06/05/2024 14:20

So, to sum up - yes some strippers do give blow jobs and wanks, some are prostitutes. Strip bars exist to get sleazy men excited and their only function is to sell sexual excitement so of course it sometimes goes further than looking.

Your husband cheated on you regardless of how far he got.

He's definitely going to lie about how much he did and he didn't get caught on his first time.

These are facts, what you choose to do with them is up to you.

Sorry he made this repulsive choice, good luck. That's me done.

WillYouPutYourCoatOn · 06/05/2024 14:21

strangewomenlyinginponds · 06/05/2024 14:20

So, to sum up - yes some strippers do give blow jobs and wanks, some are prostitutes. Strip bars exist to get sleazy men excited and their only function is to sell sexual excitement so of course it sometimes goes further than looking.

Your husband cheated on you regardless of how far he got.

He's definitely going to lie about how much he did and he didn't get caught on his first time.

These are facts, what you choose to do with them is up to you.

Sorry he made this repulsive choice, good luck. That's me done.

Amazing.

What's your source other than the beloved Google reviews and hearsay?

Megifer · 06/05/2024 14:22

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Honestly I give you free roasting privileges and that's what you've come up with? "Megifer gives handjobs for £50"? 🤣

WillYouPutYourCoatOn · 06/05/2024 14:30

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Megifer · 06/05/2024 14:50

Are you quite well? I think with microdosing you're only supposed to have a very low background amount?

Now if you don't mind, I've got other dicks to yank on 😬

WillYouPutYourCoatOn · 06/05/2024 14:53

Ah I see.

It's fine to falsely accuse people of sex acts. It's more than just accusation actually, it's "fact" because you say so, contrary to the actual facts being presented to you. That's fine and dandy.

But if your exact own words are mirrored back at you. Exactly the same words.... On the same basis of utter nonsense. Oh no, that's not ok. That's reported.

Your own words, in front of a mirror, you find appalling.

Have a wee think on that.

WillYouPutYourCoatOn · 06/05/2024 14:54

Megifer · 06/05/2024 14:50

Are you quite well? I think with microdosing you're only supposed to have a very low background amount?

Now if you don't mind, I've got other dicks to yank on 😬

Well it seems it's anything other than provide any source of your imaginary strip club knowledge...

Megifer · 06/05/2024 15:02

WillYouPutYourCoatOn · 06/05/2024 14:53

Ah I see.

It's fine to falsely accuse people of sex acts. It's more than just accusation actually, it's "fact" because you say so, contrary to the actual facts being presented to you. That's fine and dandy.

But if your exact own words are mirrored back at you. Exactly the same words.... On the same basis of utter nonsense. Oh no, that's not ok. That's reported.

Your own words, in front of a mirror, you find appalling.

Have a wee think on that.

I haven't accused anybody falsely 😂😂 I've just stated that sex acts do go on in some of these clubs. That is an immutable fact, but I'll say I do genuinely think its great that you don't think its true as it means you've obviously worked in the places that do stick to the rules. Keep hold of that ignorance actually, don't look into it anymore as I think you'll be shocked 😔

Btw i've not reported anything? You've not said a single thing reportworthy. Funny? Yes. Odd? Absolutely. Naive? Most definitely. They arent reportworthy at all. We're good 😃

Megifer · 06/05/2024 15:04

Oh just seen its been deleted.

Absolutely not reported by me I'd have much preferred it to stay up, believe me 😆

WillYouPutYourCoatOn · 06/05/2024 15:13

Megifer · 06/05/2024 15:02

I haven't accused anybody falsely 😂😂 I've just stated that sex acts do go on in some of these clubs. That is an immutable fact, but I'll say I do genuinely think its great that you don't think its true as it means you've obviously worked in the places that do stick to the rules. Keep hold of that ignorance actually, don't look into it anymore as I think you'll be shocked 😔

Btw i've not reported anything? You've not said a single thing reportworthy. Funny? Yes. Odd? Absolutely. Naive? Most definitely. They arent reportworthy at all. We're good 😃

And please provide the source of your "fact."

Because other than "I've seen a Google review"..

Why is it that you want to hold on to this false idea, rather than listen to every dancer I've ever known, and all those on this thread? Why do you refuse to accept something you have no knowledge about, when explained by people with extensive knowledge.

Then it's "oh it's a conspiracy, they just pretend it doesn't happen so it all looks legit"

Why do you have such a problem with accepting the actual version of an industry from those within in?

for the hundredth time what is your source?

rainbowstardrops · 06/05/2024 15:26

Can you honestly say that you can trust him going forward and put this behind you? I know I wouldn't be able to!
He only told you because you were suspicious of him and he's already lied to you by telling you there were different dancers and then changing his story to it was mainly just the one. I'd be wondering what else he might have lied about!
Oh and to spend over £800 just because he was sad his sensible workmates called it a night? I'd be absolutely bloody livid with him and there would have been NO WAY he'd have been sleeping next to me in bed!
He's an absolutely scumbag.

Megifer · 06/05/2024 15:31

WillYouPutYourCoatOn · 06/05/2024 15:13

And please provide the source of your "fact."

Because other than "I've seen a Google review"..

Why is it that you want to hold on to this false idea, rather than listen to every dancer I've ever known, and all those on this thread? Why do you refuse to accept something you have no knowledge about, when explained by people with extensive knowledge.

Then it's "oh it's a conspiracy, they just pretend it doesn't happen so it all looks legit"

Why do you have such a problem with accepting the actual version of an industry from those within in?

for the hundredth time what is your source?

My sources?

Unbiased articles online
Other forum sources similar to MN
Clubs have been closed due to turning a blind eye to extras
A few of us at work used to get trotted out to ensure clients had a good time which meant accompanying clients to dinner, we often ended up in these places where I'd get chatting to the ladies sometimes
Male colleagues ive worked with have confirmed it happens in some places
My ex-colleague who still works at the place above tells me that unbeliveably still went on until about 6m ago when a female MD took over thankfully (how no one ever took them to a tribunal ill never know)
Ex-strippers on MN have confirmed it in other threads
You admitted earlier in the thread it goes on

And I think you'll find I knocked my own conspiracy idea on the head as overthinking it. Imagine? That would be as daft as someone confidently stating extras never happen in any of these places 😄

CandiedPrincess · 06/05/2024 15:45

I think it's incredible that anyone can be so blinkered to not think that things might be different out of their own experiences and existence. What a small little life.

Confusedandemotional · 06/05/2024 15:58

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WillYouPutYourCoatOn · 06/05/2024 16:38

CandiedPrincess · 06/05/2024 15:45

I think it's incredible that anyone can be so blinkered to not think that things might be different out of their own experiences and existence. What a small little life.

So working in directly countless clubs, for over a decade, it is me, not you with zero knowledge that is blinkered. Incredible is definitely the word.

Oh hang on, you're the one who knows exactly what happens because your husband (punter) told you. Carry on Wink

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