Please help Husband and strip club

[ReadyforthechorusLTB]

My husband went on a works night out last night, he came home in a terrible state vomiting on the carpet that I cleaned to save the poor kids standing in it.
Anyway, I've picked up his pants and noticed an obviously stain at the front inside.
I confronted him and he said he went to a strip club. I asked to see his bank account immediately and he has spent £775 ! There is multiple charges some at £115 and even one for £230. Apparently this is the first time he has paid for a dance. I have downloaded a year's worth of statements and I can't see any other incidents.
To make things worse he slipped up and said he went alone after everyone else had gone home. Why?!!

Pre kids I would have walked away. But I have two young children, and leaving would completely change their lives for the worse. He earns more than I do, we have no outside support and I have no family to go to, and I couldn't manage the mortgage payments on my own.
I feel physically sick. I'm not sure how I am meant to trust him again!
Does anyone know what happens at strip clubs. What has he paid for. Is this just dances!

She's enraged at the reality that most people assume strippers are prostitutes. She probably has a lot invested in convincing people in her life that it's not as bad as all that. She can't allow her narrative to be challenged.

Watch her come after me for saying this 😅😆

I literally don't care enough to reply to her at all. Not because she's a stripper, because she's acting unhinged.

Evening, everyone. This thread seems to have gone rather off piste. The OP was looking for advice and support and it's descended into a bit of a bunfight. Can we ask that we draw a line under this now and get back to answering the OP's original questions. Thanks.

It would be such a huge turn off for me.
Kept having more dances until he eventually came in his pants 😷

If he came, there was contact, simple as that.

Not that I'd care, choosing to waste money that should have gone to your family and children in a grubby dump surrounded by naked women would be enough to revolt me completely, even if he could somehow prove he didn't pay for extras.

Whatever you choose going forward please don't fool yourself. He' cheated, no matter how far he got, he's a liar and he cannot be trusted.

Good luck.

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation, OP. I think you need to have a long, hard think about what you want the future to look like for you and your children. I understand that money is a strong motivator, but money situations change. I would gently suggest that a happy mother and a father who is respectful enough of their mother not to do what your OH has done will go so much further than him earning more money to blow on strippers.

I consider it cheating. I also think you deserve so much more than this. He has shown you who he is. Believe him.

He’s a cunt. £800, mind boggles.
I have no advice but my ex-h was going to strip clubs, then i discovered he was on porn live video chats and had a porn addiction. This might be a one off for your H but i’d be very wary given my experiences. We divorced after 12 year together as it never got any better.

Was reading this thread last night & wanted to say that I hope you're doing ok, OP.
I'd be fucking livid if my partner (not that I have one) had spunked 800 quid on a night out, on lap dances & overpriced booze. Ouch.
Be kind to yourself, & hope you've got some friends / support IRL as well.
I wanted to also say that @WillYouPutYourCoatOn, I think your input on this thread has been articulate, informative & totally brilliant.
You've clearly helped the OP to get a much clearer picture of what's very likely to have been the case on that night out, & really shone a light on a few things, because you know.
And others just think they know.
So thank you.

Others know. Just because she was obnoxious and aggressive doesn't make her right. She can try to shout down other strippers who've also commented and other women with direct knowledge of strip clubs, biut reality doesn't care how she feels.

Several of her comments were deleted, she was so venomously crass and the mods asked her to please shut up, so please don't get her started again, she completely hijacked the thread with her furious fairy tales before.

She has her own reasons for pursuing a nonsense narrative, but it's not based in reality. And women who want to believe her will ignore every other person who knows better.

Yes, she helped itemise the bill. That was the extent of her help.

But otherwise lying to the OP is not kind, it's cruel.

Op I hope you're doing ok this morning.

I was reading back through bits of the thread last night and i remembered something about card surcharges in the back of my mind and had a quick look this morning. It seems businesses can't charge a debit or credit card surcharge. Might be worth checking on that to see if you can get some money back maybe?

might not be a huge amount but if it was indeed £7.50-£15 surcharge per transaction it all adds up.

Yes, until this comment I refrained from getting into what was being said because I felt it was at the point of derailing, and others were doing a wonderful job of articulating responses. I found it astounding that aggressive, relentless bullying of other posts somehow added weight to the illogic arguments the poster was putting forward. But I did also feel sorry for her. I’ve talked with many women (through activism) who have worked in the sex industry and there’s often a great deal of cognitive dissonance at play in order for the women to achieve some sort of mental stability regarding what they do.

I hope the measured responses to that poster, and the counter arguments, all provided the OP with enough information to realise it’s unlikely her OH attended the Little House on the Prairie equivalent to strip clubs.

I think they were localish to me!! They're the clubs I mentioned getting shut down if the same ones.

Rumour I heard (on FB obvs) as it was a result of a wife who's husband finally admitted to getting blow jobs in a couple of them over a few months told a friend (who's ex had also got extras in the past) and it was the friend who told her copper partner why they split up and that's how it all happened.

I don't think thats true but man I wish it was!! The local FB page on it was very good way of working out who the guys were that frequented the places though. Wasn't shocked to see a school friends pervy dad on there lamenting the loss of his extras no doubt 🙄

Having read through this post, the OP will never know for sure what her partner spent his money on in there. His word is all she has and she wouldn't even know this if she hadn't found out herself! But the cuming in his pants is grim.

Whether he’s got extras in there or just has been an idiot and spent money on drinks and dances is sort of irrelevant. OP will never know and he won’t be volunteering that info.
The result of this however is broken trust and that is very hard to come back from. She might forgive, patch things up and carry on for the sake of kids. But she will carry on wondering every time he’s out and this will be resurrected in heated arguments, it was the case with me and ex. It doesn’t just go away. For me, at some point i realised that the only way to stop hurting (strip clubs, live cams, porn addiction) and stop being constantly angry, i need to detach emotionally and simply not care anymore about the person who caused it. And then when i got to that point of not caring i started wondering if this is now my life for the rest of my days. And i was dreading it. It’s only logical that divorce is the next step after that. And that’s how it all falls apart over time due to stupid decisions from someone who you once thought was totally loyal to you.

Im not saying this will happen here. It depends on what effort OP’s partner will put in to put this right. And he will have to deal with a lot of questions and anger and rightly so.

Thanks :) appreciate it.

This type of stuff on this thread is what we'd genuinely get coming into the club. One particular group of women (aforementioned) would plead with us to reveal what we were "forced to do." They'd offer us money to go to the papers. They were desperate.

And when we'd stand there telling them, we did not provide extras, we loved the job, very happy to be here, they would just get angrier and angrier. It was unacceptable to them. They knew, don't you know. Just like the people on this thread.

They took would regroup and remark loudly "poor girl's delusional. Clubs brainwashed her." I mean what kind of self important prick of the highest order actually behaves like that. Sad thing is, lots. And they are pack mentality.

You'll see even now "my narrative isn't based in reality". They are also so clever and balanced they pretend they can't read, call you drunk, or unhinged. And I just think, what kind of person actually thinks their theoretic waffle is factually more real than a decade of my actual life. Not a decent one. But these women can't ever be wrong. It's not in their capability. It's the superiority complex that makes them discount another woman's entire actual life that also makes them incapable of every being wrong.

I hope OP's doing well. And not been bullied by their theories and Google reviews. They manage to read those perfectly well

Presumably all the cases involving police, a sample of which are on this page, are made up just to undermine previous poster’s professionalism and superior sales skills.

https://notbuyingit.org.uk/new-faq-myths/

Well that's just funny. That's a link to an activist group. As per the women who would come in and gaslight us. What a balanced thing to present.

Imagine telling someone trying to obstruct you and confront you in your place of work, and you tell them you're happy. And they get angry and call you delusional. Do you think that's a decent person? Is gaslighting ok as long as you rate yourself as superior to the woman you're doing it too?

We would stand there and have to be gaslit, but we had to remain professional and smile and ask that they please could leave us alone. But they wouldn't leave. They'd even stoop to "how much to go to the papers?" I have no doubt some girls who were making no money, so leaving anyway took a payout. Not everyone makes a fortune, it's a real skill.

Can you imagine walking into an office and telling the receptionist she's being exploited because you've decided she is. And she can't, (quite rightly) say, "get out, you pompous fruit loop" because she's at work. So you carry on, telling her she's exploited and demeaning herself, and forced to be there. Do you know what would happen? Security would be called. Except if we did that, you know what these women do? Get even more incensed. Start up websites like that one. Hate campaigns to cause as much damage as possible.

The page has hundreds and hundreds of links to police reports, academic writing, news reports, articles etc. These report in clubs being fined, shut down, having licences revoked etc. It isn’t a one-source opinion piece.

I don’t expect you to agree. And that’s perfectly okay.

Personally I don’t see it as a huge issue, I’d he’d been and paid for sex it would be different, he can’t kiss or touch them. It is literally a dance in sexy underwear. I wouldn’t be thrilled if my DH went on a night out stag do but I wouldn’t contemplate divorce.

You'll now forever be left wondering what he's doing of a night out. He now has the taste for this - they rarely ever never go again. Your future is forever more looking over your shoulder, doubting him.

It was dance after dance until he came in his pants by the sound of it.

What would you think if he used cam girls? Would you see that as less of a big deal or more of one?

I appreciate you acknowledging we don't agree.

For me, it's less about it being a one source opinion piece, but that it only accounts for one aggressive and persecuting opinion. And for every "one" dancer they've managed to get on there (and they offer a lot of money to you) they miss the five hundred who are loving it. Fine, but don't try and twist it as the real reflection of the industry.

It's incredibly frustrating for extremists (and that's they best way I can describe these women, they are beyond extreme) to swan about holier than thou, "oh we're advocating for you darling, if only your exploited little brain wasn't so delusional". And to know they'll attack you more if you do anything other than blank them or smile and nod.

These women typically were educated at a non university level, and that's being diplomatic. And I, (qualified accountant, degree in business and finance) dancer B (English degree, owned successful bakery) dancer C (maths degree, school teacher) dancer D (also qualified accountant) would just slowly walk around the club trying to move away from them. They would usually announce we were too controlled to speak out. Basically any excuse other than admit a truth they couldn't bear.

They are consumed by it and relentless. I don't doubt there are 100 pieces of writing. That's a week of jolly work for just one of them. Surprised it's not a thousand. And I don't exaggerate that.

Anyway, I hope at least @ReadyforthechorusLTB has had a better day, maybe getting things straighter in her head about how she feels about her relationship going forward.

I think she seems pretty sensible, and isn't making impetuous decisions. I think she can see past the same voices stating "fact" he got extras.

The trust that he'll never go in another though, that's the crux of it. I would say occasionally someone would come in for the first time, get rinsed for a grand (or best part thereof) and wake up the following day fuming at themselves for wasting so much money and never do it again. But usually, once someone has been in once, they feel comfortable to go again in a more controlled manner, even if infrequently.

Very eye opening with unbiased information and evidence, and a bit grim reading in places.

I'd have never expected Spearmint Rhino to back down though, and to then ditch the dancers, alot of whom they'd sacked anyway, and say "we're not bothered about the footage after all".......awful but not surprising.