Please help Husband and strip club

[ReadyforthechorusLTB]

My husband went on a works night out last night, he came home in a terrible state vomiting on the carpet that I cleaned to save the poor kids standing in it.
Anyway, I've picked up his pants and noticed an obviously stain at the front inside.
I confronted him and he said he went to a strip club. I asked to see his bank account immediately and he has spent £775 ! There is multiple charges some at £115 and even one for £230. Apparently this is the first time he has paid for a dance. I have downloaded a year's worth of statements and I can't see any other incidents.
To make things worse he slipped up and said he went alone after everyone else had gone home. Why?!!

Pre kids I would have walked away. But I have two young children, and leaving would completely change their lives for the worse. He earns more than I do, we have no outside support and I have no family to go to, and I couldn't manage the mortgage payments on my own.
I feel physically sick. I'm not sure how I am meant to trust him again!
Does anyone know what happens at strip clubs. What has he paid for. Is this just dances!

Are you satisfied you have gotten to the bottom of what went on?
If your not end it or it will chew you up mentally.

Can you forgive him?
As above and it's fine to try but when you and if your realise you can't, leave as it's your life. We only get one. Everyone deserves to be as happy as they can be.

Do you think he will do it again?
Only you know this.

I'm not the PP you're quoting, but I am an ex-stripper and can confirm it absolutely does happen, depending on the club and the dancer.

A few of us at work used to get trotted out to ensure clients had a good time which meant accompanying clients to dinner, we often ended up in these places where I'd get chatting to the ladies sometimes

And this is exactly what I knew you were. Remember earlier how I said there's a particular group of women who are particularly vile about dancers.

It's the "cool girls" who go with work colleagues.

Often because they have a certain feeling/opinion about a male colleague. Typically, this type of woman rates themselves far higher in intellect, interest, and frankly every sense than "those women in those places."

So along they come, and hate it for a variety of reasons.

They thought that Dan from accounts really quite liked them, and then they watch him disappear off for an hour. And they can not accept that Dan would just rather spend money to have time with a dancer, than sit with her for free, so decides Dan is clearly getting a wank. That way she gets to tell herself that she actually doesn't want "wanky Dan" and develops irrational hatred for the harpie dancer who led him down the sordid path away from her. She is the queen bee in her mind, and she's just been thoroughly plonked way down the pecking order. That's outrageous.

They see guys who they would have sworn blind would never go for a dance, trot off. And realise it could quite easily be their partner. And they hate the harsh reality of that.

They think we want to chat to them, and try and take over the work group they are sat with as a mouthpiece. They are usually quite loud and want to get across how familiar they are with "their boys" and do shocked face "omigod you got married last year Simon, do you think Sarah would like it? I went to their wedding you see" when we try and navigate around their loud performance. It's like they see us as competition for their group's attention. And they always lose. To a woman they see as beyond inferior. So their ego takes a massive dent and they can't cope with that. Hence we're just tarts that give handjobs.

You admitted earlier in the thread it goes on

No, and I've already addressed this exact point, but don't let that get in the way of you trying to make it again to no avail.

And the rest, "I read it online/heard from a mate" Lol.

But at least I know why you are so twisted in your views. Exactly as I hinted at many pages ago.

It's almost like I know the industry inside out.

What was your hf?

Ahh, you're a dancer! I absolutely recognise everything you've said here, they were the WORST type of woman customer. However, I can't believe that the industry has changed so much that suddenly all the clubs and all the dancers are clean.

Can I ask how long you've been dancing? And are you able to share which clubs you've worked at? I've danced all over the UK, from Aberdeen to Bournemouth, and many, many towns and cities in between, and I could probably think of two clubs, max, that were 100% clean during that time.

Sorry I only skim read beyond the "vile about dancers" comment. It's becoming a bit clearer that perhaps you're maybe drunk (hey its a bank hol, go for it have another you devil!)

Or I dunno, you have a thing where you firmly believe someone has said something they haven't? Or do you have a bit of a complex where you think everyone looks down on you maybe? It seems that way. I can't speak for everyone else but I certainly don't look down on strippers, I'm baffled why you think that. If you can point out where I've been derogatory to strippers I'd be grateful, TIA!

Believe me it was not cool girl to shepherd a variety of US clients around Liverpool. Again you seem to have read a completely different thing to what ive said rendering your ramble about "a particular type of women" just absolutely moot, although your incoherent waffle about Sarah (i think?) was funny 🤭.

Tbh a lot of the ladies I spoke to were way more intellectual than me, I always assumed strippers were all highly educated and intellectual and did it to cover uni costs.

And Dan from accounts was fugly, I always preferred Dana from IT.

@WillYouPutYourCoatOn Not just my husband, but clearly you know better than anyone else and can speak for 💯 of women who have worked in strip clubs, obviously. But the truth is, you can't. You can speak for you. You can't speak for your supposed friends or colleagues because you can't know that they are telling the truth. The lady doth protest too much. Why is it so difficult for you just to say that in some places that might be the case. Not the places you worked, granted, but fuck me. You haven't worked in all of the places.

Sorry you find normal text incoherent.

Everything makes perfect sense, I called pages ago. You are the "cool girl" from work.

At least we can both agree there's nothing cool about being that.

I wish you two would stop bickering. I’m not sure either of you are helping the OP.

It's probably not helping the op, unless it's helpful for op to be aware of what can go on in some of these places (although that's prob not helpful either 😔)

I've never set foot in a strip club with colleagues (how weird i wouldnt want to see Norman get a tit in his face 🤣) so once again you leave me truly baffled with that cool girl from work comment.

Im certain at least one of my previous suspicions is correct now tbh after this latest strange post so I think I will leave you to it, it doesn't feel very fair to continue.

There was a stain in his pants. He came for another woman. To me, that's cheating and he's out the door.

In my youth I went to a strip club and had a dance. Some of the dancers let you suck their nipples and grab their ass. So please don't be naive.

Nobody cums from watching a dance. Sorry to be blunt. LTB

how has this thread become about other people proving their points. OP is going through an awful time. this thread should be about supporting her

@ReadyforthechorusLTB I hope you managed to eat something and are OK. at least he is looking after the kids for now. despite a couple of people derailing the thread there is a lot of good advice here. but for now just focus on self care xxx

Correct. I haven't worked in every strip club ever.

I have no idea the number but it's in excess of 50.

It's not a small sample pool. And there aren't like 1000 of them. There's probably less than 200.

And to have not had that experience, over such a large sample, over years and years and years, is not simply luck.

I don't know better than everyone but I certainly know better than you. That's not even debatable.

You've got zero knowledge except second hand stories from a punter.

THIS

It happens on threads all the time.

I'm not proud of my part in it, but am I going to just watch someone post rubbish and try to get personal about me and not comment on it or challenge it? (Tbh yea probably if it was another day 😬)

I'm sure the other poster involved feels the same. It's not great, but it happens.

Peer pressure makes him sound even more pathetic than if he just chose to do it himself.

Exactly Peer pressure in early 40s?!!

You: I've never set foot in a strip club with colleagues

Also you: A few of us at work used to get trotted out to ensure clients had a good time which meant accompanying clients to dinner, we often ended up in these places

Mmmmmkay.

So the very clear "a few of us at work",at an absolute stretch you actually just meant you, alone. Right o. Course.

Work colleague/client makes no difference to how the "cool girl" acts either.

However as all you seem to be capable of when you are held accountable, is pretend that you can only read the first line of that particular post (funny how you can easily read everything else eh), or call people drunk, I'll leave you to pretend you couldn't read this either.

Actually the OP has thanked me.

Because I went through her transactions and gave my very best interpretation of what had happened. It's tricky to know when you don't have the times of the transactions (ie two identical amounts of £115 spent 15 mins apart will be on the same girl, but if more like an hour apart, probably two different girls) but I could say with 90% confidence what had happened. One girl, not up to much. Second girl, big hitter. House champagne (hence the purchase mid dance, and him being sick). Second club, really nothing to report.

I could also tell her that a big hitter is a clean dancer. She's clever, and ruthless. That's the girl that got her DH, pow pow pow, £100, £100, £100, £200...

And when she told her DH to do a step by step through the night, without sharing what I'd told her, he repeated the same events virtually verbatim.

Now is it more likely I'm psychic? A real lucky guess? Or could it be, I know the industry at that level, I can talk you through the exact events of an evening and the number of girls involved, plus drinks purely by seeing values of transactions of a club that I don't even know. (Well I might do, didn't see the name mentioned)

So, OP can see that her DH's account matches mine. And whilst he might have motive to lie, I don't, and he hasn't just guessed the same story. It's what happened.

He's a dickhead for wasting £800, but he's not a lying dickhead. And I do absolve him of some responsibility. He was drunk, then had the misfortune of the big hitter pouncing. As a total newbie, and drunk he would not even realised what hit him. If she hadn't spotted him, you can more than halve what his spend would have been.

It all depends where OPs boundaries lie. Because of the exact hyperbole you see on this thread, women are grossly misinformed about what happens in a strip club. When you have the right information, you can make your informed decision.

Would I leave my DH if he paid someone to wank him off. Absolutely.

Would I leave him for going to a strip club and spending £800. No, I'd go spare at the waste of money, and on a more personal level, if it's local, those are my friends dancing in there.

But specifically for OP, no. Not on the amount he spent, does he look like he's with some muppet who needs to do £20 blowjobs. He's with someone who can upsell £90 of champagne in the midst of £345 of dances then whacks him with another £230 for good measure. And I bet it was all in under 1.5hrs. If she's a real shark, she'll have been cutting the time short and charged that in under 1hr.

I didn’t say your run down of events was wrong. I suggested you and others stop bickering. You helped op with a time line that much is true, not sure how the rest helps.

I think that by showing OP I know what I'm talking about, with things such as detailing the exact events of his evening from one look at his bank statement, she can place weight in what I'm telling her. So hopefully she can place similar weight on what I tell her actually happens.

Like she says, this is her life, not an episode of EastEnders. And she needs to look past the baying crowd of "yeah leave him, go on OP, they're prostitutes, he's been wanked off, fact." Shameful actually. Trying to make her think that's the norm and goad her out of leaving her marriage. Because they've read it somewhere, so they are the oracle. Or some punter told them. Shameful and spiteful.

@WillYouPutYourCoatOn

He's a dickhead for wasting £800, but he's not a lyingdickhead

He did lie.

First of all he said he doesn't know why, just that he was stupid and sorry. He does know 'why'....even if it's as simple as he wanted to go and see strippers. He knows what he was thinking at the time.

He also lied and said they went as a group, and only admitted he went alone when she kept questioning him.

OP I would expect him to answer honestly about 'why' he went. None of this I don't know why

It all depends where OPs boundaries lie. Because of the exact hyperbole you see on this thread, women are grossly misinformed about what happens in a strip club. When you have the right information, you can make your informed decision.

Would I leave my DH if he paid someone to wank him off. Absolutely.

Would I leave him for going to a strip club and spending £800. No, I'd go spare at the waste of money, and on a more personal level, if it's local, those are my friends dancing in there.

Why do you see such a difference between paying someone to wank him off versus paying for numerous dances until he eventually came in his paints?