How did this nice thing become a negative?

[OneThreadOnly]

I am really struggling to see my partner’s perspective on something and I honestly don’t think anyone else would see this the way he does either but maybe I am wrong so here goes;

DP and I had plans that yesterday I would meet him at his when he finished work, a really long shift, I would cook dinner and we would get a couple of hours together.

On Friday we had a row. It’s an issue that keeps raising its head and I have truly had enough. I went home and I said - untill you can acknowledge that X is an issue and promise to do something about it, you won’t be seeing me.

Saturday comes and we exchange a few cordial emails (he was really worried about a work thing so even though I am mad, I still want to be supportive. I helped him draft an email and we spoke on the phone briefly.

During the course of the day I cooked the meal that we had planned to eat together and dropped some round for him so he had a nice meal after a long shift and an extra portion for today because he is working again. I left it in his kitchen while he was at work and went home.

I thought I was being nice, because even though we are in conflict over this issue, I still care about him, I know he is having a shit time at work and I wanted to make his life just that little bit easier.

So he had absolutely kicked off that I am a nasty bitch having a dig and I must be so smug sat at home knowing I have left his pathetic meal for one in his kitchen. That he is really low and I should be there for him.

I am 100% not backing down on the original issue. I know that it is a deal breaker and unless he changes it, we will break up over it. However I have tried to discuss it many times and it always ends up with me backing down. This time I am standing my ground. Yes I get that it is a difficult time for him with work stuff but I have dropped it before because of his tough work stuff and we just end up back at square one.

so just as a sanity check, does anyone else see the meal as a malicious bitchy thing to do? I thought I was being considerate but could it come across as rubbing it in?

Please walk away from this man. I was in a similar relationship and looking back realise how abusive it was. Sometimes you have to step away to see. It isn't about physical abuse but slowly making you doubt yourself and feeling more and more than you are the one at fault.

I can accept that the meal was an olive branch, but learn from it and don't do it again. He'll only use it or your nice gesture against you.

If you were hoping that he'd come round, I think that he's just shown you that he won't. Stop trying to pretend that you're a team. You're not. He wants his way and his way alone.

Just leave him, things will only worsen and your DP very much sounds like he could turn violent because he's so unreasonable. Don't put yourself through any more of this. You're wasting your precious time.

If it is an issue that is a unanimous LTB even more reason not to muddy the waters and carry on being his handmaiden running around doing his chores and cooking for him doing things for him when you said no contact until resolved

You got a promotion in work and are doing professional exams. You have to speak and meet with male colleagues. He wants you to stop talking to male colleagues and you have stopped wearing make up. You have even shown him the message between you and your male colleagues. If your job found out about this you could be in serious trouble.

You have told him what you want. I would have left him alone and not made his meals. He needs to realise that your not going to be their to make his meals, do his washing and stay in this relationship unless he makes changes.
To be honest I would be ending things with him. He has no one to blame but himself when you end this relationship because from what you have told us this is an ongoing problem and he is unwilling to make a change or get help with his issues.

As an adult we have accept at times we are not always right and have to work at making changes to improve our own lives or the live of our partner.

One of my friends walked away from a relationship a few years ago. Her boyfriend refused to listen to advice or make changes in his life to lose some weight. My friend was overweight as well and said to me neither of us will ever be skinny people but I don't want to end with diabetes ect. His attitude was so what. She lost a few stone.
My friend heard recently that he now has type 2 diabetes, sleep anopa and high blood pressure. He is having tests on his heart soon and may need a stent or other type of heart operation.
My friend said if he listened to my advice a few years ago he would not have all these issues.
She said I am not perfect but I listened to advice and make changes to improve myself.

Reading your posts it seems that you are drowning in a sea of indecision, desperation and overwhelming longing for him to become something he is not, and never will be.

You've read Lundy Bancroft, you've had therapy, you are clearly engaging with the great advice you are getting here. And yet you are struggling and unable to do what you know you need to do.

Maybe try and simplify things and read a very straightforward and useful book that has stood the test of time: Women Who Love Too Much, by Robin Norwood.

The real problem @OneThreadOnly is that your previous relationships were so bad you're not sure about this one, maybe he's a bit insecure but not so bad really, maybe all men are difficult and you won't do better.
Not all men are like this, there are good men out there but you've learnt to doubt yourself, to think that if only you were nicer your partner would be too. He's twisting everything to make it your fault but believe me, his behaviour is not normal.

He's grasping at an opportunity to gaslight. He's being nasty and showing who he really is, and calling her a bitch?? He's awful.

You would think then that he knows you well enough to realise that you've taken things off his plate before to make his life easier, and that you're not the bitch he's calling you out for. He's seeing you in the picture he's painted for himself instead of the person you are, and who he should know you are. Also:

Saturday comes and we exchange a few cordial emails (he was really worried about a work thing so even though I am mad, I still want to be supportive. I helped him draft an email and we spoke on the phone briefly.

Did he think you were a bitch when you helped him draft what sounded like an important email? If you were kind and caring enough to do that why would you have such a negative personality change so shortly after? Or, as already mentioned, he was using the situation to get the result he expected from you - for you to back down, and became aggressive when you held firm.

Perhaps you should consider whether you're prepared to put up with this pattern of behaviour from him in your future. 🌹

I have taken on board that whilst I thought I was being helpful lots of people thought I was being nasty so I will bear that in mind.

First of all, only you know whether your intentions were good. If so, don't let him (or anybody else) gaslight you into thinking otherwise.

In any event, the food thing is just another symptom of his general pattern of control and abuse. He calls you nasty names, he questions your clothes, your make up, how you do your job? HOW FUCKING DARE HE?

Your instincts are telling you something - don't ignore them. He is NOT your partner. A real partner is someone who celebrates and supports you.

So, congratulations on your promotion OP, enjoy it and be proud of yourself. Wear your lipstick, spray your perfume, wear the vest top FFS!

But, please, please don't waste any more of your life trying to appease this pathetic excuse for a human being - it's impossible. He will not change and the abuse will escalate. He does not deserve you and you definitely deserve better than him.

Right so there's no plans to end it with him so realistically, what can you do to change his behaviours?
You need to stop talking to other men completely. You can either speak truthfully with you employer and see if they can offer anything or you can quit your job.
You stop wearing make up and perfume completely. Rules out any arguments about that. He will start on your hair then so stop looking after it.
Just buy joggers/leggings and baggy tshirts/ jumpers. Don't wear anything else.
Make sure you don't speak with anyone else he disapproves of, friends, family etc. You can either tell them the truth and that you need to cut them off or just ghost them.
Eyes down when your out and about with him. Eventually he won't let you go out alone so make peace with that.
Think that covers most of it.
Nothing you have done so far works and he is now affecting your job. If you don't want to end it then the above is your reality.
The fact that you told him you wouldn't have anything to do with him then went to his house, PUT A WASH ON and left him a meal shows him your desperation to please him. When you show a man like this how desperate you are its game over.
Edited for shockingly shit grammar. There's too much to correct 🥺

With the context of what you have said, him not wanting you to wear lipstick/saying you can't talk to colleagues etc, I would say for sure that this thing about the food is just him trying to make you the bad guy.

He sounds controlling and those types of people don't tend to want to be questioned - if they are they find a way to put you back in your place again and again, until eventually you learn to stop raising issues.

This type of thing is engrained IME and doesn't tend to get better - it's the type of thing that, if I notice signs of it when dating, leaves me cold on the whole situation. This man will just continue to make you miserable

What does HE do to make YOUR life easier?

you call him DP, but don’t live together and he’s NOT seeing your efforts for the kindness they’re intended to be.

hes taking advantage tbh.

hes making this drama to make the original row go away and blame things on you. He won’t sort out the issue, whatever it is, he wants you to STFU about it.

You’re boyfriend and girlfriend, stop giving him a title and place in your life he’s not working for.

You’re clearly NOT a team, you’re using all this binding language to kid yourself and keep you in a relationship at all costs.

woman up, there is an issue that is a dealbreaker for you that he’s not dealing with, won’t deal with either. So you made an ultimatum and then immediately backed down! stick to your guns and show him what his life looks like without all the incredible support you give him.

This. He won't change.

People who gaslight and control like this never do. Even if he could, in theory, become a changed man - why would you want to take on a project like this?

There are plenty of men who won't control and manipulate you. You'll be able to have normal relationships with your colleagues. You'll be able to go out wearing lipstick and perfume - even short skirts and low cut tops if you want!

You are sending very mixed messages. When you had the row and told him the score on Friday then you should not be constructing emails and making dinners for one the day after until your conflict is resolved. Pretty confusing that.

We have had this conversation before about this colleague and another colleague and he has read all of the conversations and can clearly see that it’s work related.

Should you be allowing him access to work-related communications? I'm hoping you don't work in a regulatory sector but even so surely what you are doing is against company confidential policies?

Would he, In the same situation, do the same for you?

Also this man doesn't appear to trust you or respect your integrity. 🌹

You're not making it up and his behaviour has nothing to do with your period. Read again through the list of examples of his behaviour you've given, and I know for a fact these are the mere tip of the iceberg.

None of those things have got anything to do with your hormones and everything to do with his behaviour. Which is controlling. I know you don't know which way is up any more, but this is the reality.

He called you a nasty bitch? You just leave him. It's not good enough to be calling a partner names. What on earth?!

FFS, @OneThreadOnly - the man wants you out of your job.

Essentially he hates you.

He only wants you to exist as an accessory and support instrument for him. He will never accept your having a thriving independent life and will do all he can to undermine you emotionally and professionally.

I am actually sorry I started reading this thread. If you stay with him you will be back here in a year crying over the job you’ve lost and asking for advice on how to remake your life.

For God’s sake grasp the last shreds of your self respect and break away from this leech.

Even before I knew the reason for him acting up I would have said this relationship doesn’t have legs. I think you already know that though.

your career is flying and he’s jealous and insecure. That’s not fixable. If it were me in your shoes I’d be prioritising myself and my work.

You said that he wouldn’t see you until things changed. Mean it. If all you get is aggro stay away.

It is not your hormones, as such. I am also more sensitive before my period, and having read diaries from looong back I recently realised that this sensitivy is very acute and cuts to the core of the problems.
In short; I should have listened to ‘my hormones’ because they were bloody right about the state of affairs, and so should you.

You feel bad because he is treating you badly. Don’t let him do that anymore: set him free to wallow in his misery.

Echoing others, HE WILL NOT CHANGE. He is using your empathy for his insecurities to control your behaviour. Please listen to some of Dr Ramani's youtube videos on covert narcissism. However much you change to try to reassure him, it will NEVER BE ENOUGH. Wishing you strength to walk away from this relationship.

This isn't just a few insecurities that if he decides to work on you'll be happy, this is way beyond feeling insecure. This is controlling you. This is manipulating you to change things about yourself to fit in with what he expects of you.

And he expects you to only wear clothes he approves off, to not wear make up or perfume, to not speak to other men, to bend over backwards to be there for him, to support him regardless of how he treats you.

Yet he is not prepared to change anything about himself, he is not supporting you in your career, he is making it difficult for you to do your job and he know's this. He is blaming your hormones for his unreasonable behaviour. He is making you anxious and unhappy, expecting you to shrink yourself to suit him, rather than encouraging you to shine.

He is not a loving, supportive, equal partner who wants the absolute best for you.

Honestly OP, do you really want to be with someone who makes you justify wearing perfume and only lets you wear and buy new perfume with his permission?

It sounds like you're doing great in your career and are able to support yourself.
Imagine a life where you can throw yourself into doing your exams, progess in your career, wear whatever you choose to wear, put on some lippy if you feel like it and treat yourself to as much perfume as you like?

I understand why you're making excuses for him and that you want him to change. But he needs to want to change, he needs to want/be prepared to go and have some serious therapy to work on his controlling behaviour. But he isn't doing that is he? He isn't even agreeing that he has a problem, that his behaviour is not normal or acceptable.

You can't fix him OP, it's not your job to fix him. You've told him how his behaviour bothers you and he refuses to accept, acknowledge or change it (whilst expecting you to change everything about yourself to suit him). You've given him every chance, give yourself permission to walk away and put yourself first.

You did a nice thing, that's how I see. However, you say you are "on the same page" but also you say that "this issue is a deal breaker". This is a total contradiction and therefore you are not on the same page are you? It can't be both can it?

Doesn't sound like he's going to agree with you so if it really is a dealbreaker then you are in the wrong relationship.

I agree with this.
It’s the sort of thing I do with my kids. I might be cross with them, but I’ll still make their meals etc. I wouldn’t expect that set up with an adult.