How did this nice thing become a negative?

[OneThreadOnly]

I am really struggling to see my partner’s perspective on something and I honestly don’t think anyone else would see this the way he does either but maybe I am wrong so here goes;

DP and I had plans that yesterday I would meet him at his when he finished work, a really long shift, I would cook dinner and we would get a couple of hours together.

On Friday we had a row. It’s an issue that keeps raising its head and I have truly had enough. I went home and I said - untill you can acknowledge that X is an issue and promise to do something about it, you won’t be seeing me.

Saturday comes and we exchange a few cordial emails (he was really worried about a work thing so even though I am mad, I still want to be supportive. I helped him draft an email and we spoke on the phone briefly.

During the course of the day I cooked the meal that we had planned to eat together and dropped some round for him so he had a nice meal after a long shift and an extra portion for today because he is working again. I left it in his kitchen while he was at work and went home.

I thought I was being nice, because even though we are in conflict over this issue, I still care about him, I know he is having a shit time at work and I wanted to make his life just that little bit easier.

So he had absolutely kicked off that I am a nasty bitch having a dig and I must be so smug sat at home knowing I have left his pathetic meal for one in his kitchen. That he is really low and I should be there for him.

I am 100% not backing down on the original issue. I know that it is a deal breaker and unless he changes it, we will break up over it. However I have tried to discuss it many times and it always ends up with me backing down. This time I am standing my ground. Yes I get that it is a difficult time for him with work stuff but I have dropped it before because of his tough work stuff and we just end up back at square one.

so just as a sanity check, does anyone else see the meal as a malicious bitchy thing to do? I thought I was being considerate but could it come across as rubbing it in?

Good Lord OP I started reading this thread thinking the guy was a bit of an idiot but your list of incidents this week is truly chilling! This can never get better, please get out before you lose any more of yourself or it turns physical.

This makes me really sad to read. That you think ‘your hormones’ are the issue. Please say you don’t really believe that?

Isn’t it possible that he’s having issues at work, and thinks ‘nobody cares about him’ etc etc, because he’s insecure and the effect of that is to make his behaviour unreasonable in all areas of his life?

Why should he change if you always support him? Perhaps a cleaner break and stop trying to prove yourself to him is for the best.

@OneThreadOnly it's sad but you've already made up your mind to stay in this abusive relationship . That list of things 'you've done wrong' recently is simply astonishing. You had to even prove you didn't buy a new bottle of perfume!

You're making excuses for him thinking you're moody etc but if that's the life you want for your future then it's your choice. You've been given good advice here but he's already got into your head... I have a friend who's existed (cos that's all it is, it's not living) like this for many years despite advice... it's a hopeless situation.

He is much more unreasonable than you are - maybe he's hormonal?!

Your argument about the meal was a misunderstanding; he misread your intention, and that should be cleared up fairly easily, but it's obviously not working because of his insecurity.

Has his insecurity got better or worse since you've been together? Maybe ask him what he thinks the logical conclusion is to you modifying your behaviour to pacify him. At what point will he feel secure? If all your adapted behaviours haven't worked so far, why would they now? Which of your actions will finally fix him? If his insecurity has got worse, then does he really want to continue down that path?

Have you suggested couples therapy? I've never tried it but wonder if that might help to reach a point where he might realise he needs to do some solo work as well. I assume he won't be enthusiastic...

Sorry you're having to go through all this; it sounds really heartbreaking and you've put in so much work already.

You had to show him half empty bottles of perfume honestly OP there is no way this is normal. This is so far beyond him feeling a bit insecure.

In a normal healthy relationship what you did could be seen as passive aggressive. HOWEVER in an abusive relationship what you did was trying to pacify an abusive man and avoid further abuse. Knowing the context changes the meaning of your actions.

ETA I know this because I used to do it. I recognise your thread title so well because I used to ask myself the same things in bewilderment. I later realised it didn't matter what I did or didn't do, if he wanted a fight he would find a reason. If I'd left him dinner when I went out with friends it would be a fight because I was treating him like a child, deciding what he should eat, and if I didn't leave it I didn't care about him. One evening he refused to eat anything to punish me for going out. There's no reasoning with men like that 🤷🏼‍♀️

Yes, walk away and don’t continue this relationship even if he says he’ll seek to change. He won’t!

I honestly don’t know how you can be with a man who monitors your clothes make up and perfume seemingly constantly. This is not a minor fixable issue like not tidying up after himself. He is never going to change. Someone suggested upthread that the issue might be drugs and I think it would probably be easier to get clean than for him to stop this behaviour. This is who he is - this is his personality.
You sound lovely - get rid of this awful man and find someone who behaves like a normal human being. He is also compromising your work and therefore potentially your ability to support yourself - he is a controlling horrible man who only cares about having you exactly where and how he wants you.

OP I think you are making far too many excuses for him.
and this “I’m waiting on my period” is just making the final excuse.

In your shoes, I would’ve had enough. The food thing would just be the straw that broke the camels back.

it was a nice thing. He knows you were probably trying to be nice. (I don’t get all the passive aggressive comments tbh and obviously acts of service is your love language to him, shown by all you do).

A longer break from him would be a first step that I would take. But from all your replies, it seems like you will just carry on until he continues to chip away at the nice things you do for yourself and to make YOUR working day nicer. You also make HIS working day a lot nicer too, and you continue to excuse his behaviour because work is tough. Your work is tough at times too, I’m very certain.

This, exactly.

You know you were not being passive aggressive. How he reacts is really not your problem to solve.

By supporting him he means you should be doing as he says....

But the whole point of boundaries is that they are exactly that , a line in the sand, a this far and no further issue. So if he is unwilling to address the issue then you absolutely walk away! The power comes in knowing that your boundaries are about you. You decide what they are and you decide to walk away when they are crossed.

"I am not willing to be in a relationship with someone who is/does/demands x, y z " means that if they cross that boundary then you do walk away.

Are you happy?

Do you feel fulfilled?

Do you feel 'safe' in your relationship?

Do you trust him?

Does he enhance your life?

Yes, this.

You got negative comments about your behaviour because it would be a weird thing to do in a normal relationship. Given the context it makes sense.

I think prepping the food is a great idea. However, having a disagreement whilst he's under pressure at work isn't going to get the best response.
I do that to DP, he doesn't like it either. I think we women feel that talking is an option all the time. Some men don't.
Time and a place etc...

Holy fuck, OP, he is controlling and abusive. You have to prove that the clothes are not new, nor is the perfume? Forgive me, but you seem to have lurched from one abusive relationship to another. You’ve read the books, now do the Freedom programme and try being single for a while, this idiot doesn’t deserve you. You seem to be debasing yourself to please him, frankly. Please stop being a doormat. You merit far more.

His behaviour and language is unacceptable but you're also being very weird - this post nails it, it's very strange to be "looking after him" when you've said you don't want to see him! Sounds like you need to work on those boundaries big time!!

Yeah.

Every bloke I know has several apps on his phone for food delivery/takeaway.

He won't starve if you don't cook for him OP.

You're not his Mum.

Jesus, seriously? Look what he’s driven you to! Crazy. This is him, not you.

Just read OP latest update, jeez, he is definitely one for the bin! That's crazy!

Actually I think some abusive partners do change when they find people who don't put up with abuse. You can't be a bully unless you have victim.

The Op being kind is exactly the wrong direction. Total mixed messages .If the "thing" bad enough to break up over then break up. That will be test as to whether he will change or not.

Regardless of his behaviour and attitude you are sending him mixed messages. How’s a person supposed to know what the status is if the other person is messing about with the boundaries?

Bingo.

He won't change.

You can break up for any reason.

he’ll blame you anyways regardless

end it now or your mental health will end up in the toilet and do you want that

you know this is wrong but why the hell have you chosen to stay love, fear, the unknown.

cut the cord let it go. In a month or so you’ll see him for he is an insecure pathetic man that tried to control you

Genuinely I find his behaviour extremely chilling. And it's concerning that you don't. He IS abusive and he will ruin your life.

It has never once entered my head that I need to 'prove' my love for my husband. And if I had new clothes or perfume he might say 'oh that's nice' but really he wouldn't care one way or the other. Love and relationships shouldn't be a test or fraught with anxiety and suspicion.

Please don't let him destroy you. You are walking on eggshells and questioning and justifying completely ordinary behaviour. He won't ever change. You cannot fix him. Please protect yourself and safely disengage from him. Perhaps speaking to a domestic abuse organisation may help you find clarity.

You deserve so much better.