Really need an outside perspective please.

[AmberExpert]

First time poster, long-time lurker. Really need some impartial advice as I've no one I can speak too IRL. it's going to be a long one, so you might need a coffee and some biscuits....

Me and my OH are in our early 50s, not married. He's very friendly, outgoing and would do anything for anyone. There's a lady who lives near us who is a similar age to us, widowed three or four years ago. Recently she's started to regularly ask my OH to do jobs for her, putting pictures up, odd jobs around the house, doing gardening, walking her dog, the list goes on. It feels a bit like she says jump and he says how high.... She texts him regularly and will also send other non related texts such as photos of places she's at or events that she's attending or just general how are you texts. She sent a text last weekend saying 'Happy friday' with a picture of a walk she was on. He has recently been admitted to hospital for a few days and she has been texting to see how he is, sending him get well wishes etc. I saw her briefly during this time and was suprised at her level of concern for him.

When he's doing these jobs they always end in a coffee and a chat and he can be there a while. She is fit and active for her age, and I suspect she can do some of these jobs herself. She sometimes offers to pay him but not very often and will sometimes give him a bottle of wine. One of our neighbours commented recently that it's a good job I'm not a jealous person as he spends such a lot of time at her house!

I know her reasonably well, we've got each others mobile number, but she never texts me about anything, its always my OH. He will sometimes ask me to join him when he goes round, sometimes I go, but not often. I don't feel particularly comfortable around her, I'm not sure why, it's unusual for me to be like this.

I have voiced my concerns that she is becoming more 'needy' for want of a better word, and I feel uncomfortable about the amount of time he spends around there, as this is increasing to 3 or 4 times a week. He has told me that he doesn't fancy he's happy to help her, she's a good friend and neighbour and that I'm being paranoid.

Sometimes we can have a rational conversation about this, other times he blows up at me and can get very angry at me and accuses me of not trusting him. I do trust him, but I find the texting and requests for help excessive.

I'm not sure what to think if I'm honest, my gut feeling is that there is something off, I think she likes to have him doing all this for her, she says things like I'm lucky to have a man who can. And if I'm honest I think my OH likes the attention from her.

I've asked if he'll perhaps back off a bit, but he says he's not doing anything wrong and he'll continue to help her. I feel a bit like he's not really considering my feelings, but then I think am I being unreasonable, he's only helping a neighbour?

Please could you give me your honest opinions and if I just need to accept its a friendship and I've nothing to worry about.

thank you if you got this far, sorry its so long.

I think you are spot on with all of this. I am sure she has told him many times and many ways. But it’s easy for a main point to get lost in the stream of words that comes out when we are in the midst of an argument.

Have you seen the threads here where people pick out a single, pointless detail, harp on that and completely ignore the crux of the question? I think maybe that’s what narcissists do in an argument. It’s very purposeful.

So at this point, this is all I would say to him. Nothing more. No matter what he says, he’d get: “You are putting someone else above my feelings.”

(I found this very helpful within a few types of relationships. Focusing on the most important fact in a simple sentence or two helped me to keep my own head clear. Also helped in the aftermath when I would question my own judgement and reason.)

@AliceOlive

I totally agree.
Word salad.

If his stonewalling and silent treament don't work to shut her up, the next stage is word salad arguments to confuse her, then his withdrawl of love again.

All tactics to keep op on edge and in fear.
Unfortunately this is when abuse ramps up, intimidation and violence can be the next step to get op back in her box

He wants his own way op and he's not going to let you stand in his way, he knows exactly what he is doing. You are appealing to him
and he is showing you no mercy.

Keep safe Amber and I will say again if he becomes aggressive with you or your possesions, call the police.

I think the fact that he was so blasé about you going away for a bit is very telling, sorry OP. That should have made him sit up and take notice but no, he told you last night that he still went round and walked her dog after that. Talk about sticking the knife in.
He is being an utter fool but, sadly, it seems that he doesn't actually care about your feelings, or is even actively antagonising you.

And do not feel bad that you have ranted and raved at him about it in the past. That is a perfectly understandable reaction. You are not at fault here, he is.

Wishing you all the best, and that you find someone who actually deserves and appreciates you.

I agree

@AmberExpert

This is some of the ways you say he says you behave:

• jealous
• insecure
• PARANOID (usually a good word to shut women down)
• insecure
• needy
• childish
• that you don’t trust him
• mad, crazy woman.

He has destabilised you so much you - "honestly don’t know whether I’m coming or going and feel like this is all my fault"

• "feel like I’ve given up so much of myself already, compromised and sold my soul too many times to make him happy"

• "absolutely exhausted and worn down by it all, I feel empty"

• "powerless and that he holds all the power and control."

That is a lot- no wonder you are feeling overwhelmed.

Additionally he's throwing the whole problem back onto you, Denying, Attacking, Reversing VIctim and Offender (DARVO) - no wonder you are questioning yourself. You know something's off, and what that is, but can't quite get everything in alignment.

Examples ⬇️ quotes from other poster/you:

If he feels he's walking on eggshells with you it's because you are starting to see through him and his behaviour and are starting to call him out for it. He doesn't like it and so you are the problem. Not him

He lays the issue firmly at my feet insisting he’s not doing anything wrong, so the problem is all mine.

You also say:

- "I need to protect myself"

YES - you do and you've already taken steps to do so:

• you've started this thread and been receptive to the responses you've received
• you've confided in a friend in real life, packed a bag and going to stay with her for a while. That real life support and different perspective will be so helpful and strengthening for you. Physically removing yourself from the abusive/toxic environment you've been will, hopefully, also take a little weight off your shoulders and give you some clarity. Hopefully it will also give you time to get your ducks in a row for when you're ready to leave the relationship and leave him to it whilst you rest, recuperate and plan a better future.

You call him OH:

• are you married? If not then the process is legally less difficult
• I think you own the home jointly? How close are your finances entwined generally? Do you have joint savings in a joint bank account?
• Do you have your own bank account which he cannot access?

No need to answer all these questions here and now - but maybe food for thought?

Good luck to you for a happier future. 🌹

Sorry, but why isn't SHE taking her dog for a walk? He is going out of his way to do stuff for her

Presumably because she likes the attention she's getting from him.

Also OH is so well liked in our village no one would believe how he is with me.

I think you’ll be surprised.

In isolation, none of the things he's doing for Ms Needy is an issue, which is how he thinks he gets away with saying that it's nothing to make a fuss about. The problem he can't (or won't) see is that it's the cumulation of multiple 'acts of kindness' that's inappropriate for anyone with a partner.

There is no way on this earth that he would accept the OP calling around to an attractive widowed man 3 to 4 times a week to cook him meals, iron his clothes, hang his curtains etc.

I bet the whole village knows what's going on and their opinion of him (and her) won't be favourable!

Thank you so much for your thoughtful post, it’s really an eye opener seeing it like that.

We’re not married, he was very persistent about getting married, but I wasn’t keen. He said he wanted to get married to make me feel more secure. I told him getting married wouldn’t do that.

We own the house jointly, but I know he will want to stay in the house and village so will definitely buy me out.

No joint finances, thankfully.

I feel a bit calmer and less anxious being away from him and the situation. My mind is playing overtime about them being together, as I know he’s walked her dog the last 2 days, who knows she might have gone with him, but I’m trying hard not to think about it.

I’m thinking we should be no contact for a few days at least, it’s hard thinking and wondering if he’s going to text, what he’s doing etc.

Iv just read the whole thread and seeing that even you leaving hasn’t made a difference.

im sorry @AmberExpert I think you have you’re answer.
if you choose to go back this is how it will be forever and I get the sense that you know you’re worth more than that!

I think this is probably for the best as it sounds like things haven’t been what you deserved for a while so let him but you out (for half what the current market value is) and go home to where you’re friends are. Leave him and all this behind and get your life back!you are young, only early 50’s you could be looking back at this in 20 years time with a lovely partner of a decade thinking why did I wait so long!

im really sorry though. This must be horrible for you and can feel your heartbreak through your writing.
Ultimately though there are two in a relationship and you are the only one who wants it to work so you haven’t been left with much choice.

please take my virtual support if only I could offer more!

Thank you so much for your kind words.
The friend I'm staying with said the same, leave, start again and don't look back, better to do it now than in 10 years time.

I know that if I went back home nothing would change, ultimately because he doesn't think he's done anything wrong. He's not suddenly going to say right that's it I'll back off, although he said that a few weeks ago, but it never happened.

I feel heart broken, for what I wanted us to be. I thought I was different to his past relationships and I thought we'd work and make the distance, but I'm wrong.

I agree with both your friend and you but can I make an observation?

even in your last post you are talking about his situation with the other woman but I don’t think that’s the whole issue, personally I think that’s just the thing that finally caused the scales to drop from your eyes.

im not saying to ignore it but don’t lose the rest of the picture because in the time to come it will feel easy to think it’s just someone coming between us we can fix this especially if once you leave he does infact drop her as a way to get you to come back.

this situation has forced you to evaluate the truth of what is really going on and his behaviour so it needs to be part of your thinking too.

she was just another example or a symptom of a much bigger problem.

I want for you to be happy and hope you’ll be one of those posters who comes back with an update thread saying how great things are once the dust settles and you’re in your new life
i have a horrible feeling that won’t ever be with him.

of course it’s actually nothing to do with me so tell me to bugger off!

I can tell from the way you write that you understand your worth and have the strength for this next bit, I have no doubt you can do this if that’s what you choose to do.

i for one am rooting for you.

Thank you @Ginkypig your post has been really helpful, and I really appreciate your honesty and that you are rooting for me. I’m feeling really low this morning.

You have hit the nail on the head about it not just about being our neighbour. There have been other issues in our relationship that have caused me worries and doubts. Since the early days he has been ‘moody’ for want of a better word, he can blow hot and cold for no reason. There are days of no closeness or kindness and I’m left wondering what I’ve done. Then he’s back to ‘normal’ and this cycle is every few weeks. Because we’ve moved I did feel isolated and lonely and think this highlighted the issue.

I feel embarrassed admitting this but there was an episode about 18 months ago where a member of a sports club we attend started texting OH. She used to very often blank me but buddy up with him, she also used to text him. I didn’t feel concerned at first, but again this ramped up. He used to say the same, he didn’t fancy her, he loved me, but he didn’t sometimes blow up at me and say I was causing the issues, I was jealous and insecure. He never initiated the texts that I know to, but he didn’t actively discourage it. Towards the end he knew I was uncomfortable about it, especially because she so actively blanked me. And guess what she was single too. This all dropped off when she left the team we were on.

Fast forward to now and this seems as bad if not worse as he has more contact with the neighbour.

He also started to delete all of his texts to free up space on his phone. Writing it down I know I’m being a fool.

And I just wonder if it will be different if he’ll ever change? Can I accept these ‘friendships’ should I be less anxious and insecure. He says I can’t tell him who he can and can’t talk to or be friends with I’m starting to feel like I’m the controlling one.

Its just horrendous.

Early 50s, fit, active yet needs someone to help her with walking her dog, putting up pictures and gardening? Ummmm nope! Not buying that for a second.

My mum was on her own from being 40ish until she died last year (in her 60s) and not once did she need that much help with "jobs". Even when she was diagnosed with terminal cancer.

Sorry OP but she fancies him and / or wants the attention. If I were you I would join some local clubs, take yourself off for a glass of wine at the local pub, get chatting to some people (preferably blokes) and then get a case of mentionitis at home. "Oh I was talking to Mick in the White Swan the other night and he said he can come round and fix that leak / plug socket / skirting board issue".

Let's see how happy your DH is when the shoe is on the other foot!

Go no contact. He won't change, he wants you to back down .if you do this time...he will do exactly as he pleases at anything... FOREVER...until you leave again...rinse repeat...you are going to waste a lot of years being u happy.i wasted 15 years more than i should have with the ex. He used me... minimized what i said... psychologically abusive whereas i didn't know if it was me or him... it was him. Coulda woulda shoulda...is no use... proactive now tbh OP. He uses these women as an ego boost and to control you...tbh hes controlling all these women including your neighbour..she isn't controlling him...he does these jobs for the end game .. so he can do as he pleases ...so women rely on in him... Which is what neighbour and you have done. He isn't that good..no man is. Go NC... split up ..see solicitor. I tell you what is telling? That he didn't stop you going nor sounded that bothered. I think HE has lined his ducks up well before you have ..hes keeping friends with these women as back up options. What or why he does things is none of your concern. You want to be happy? You won't be with him. Good luck

So he has previous form for behaving like this? I think you know OP that unless you're prepared to put up with him totally disregarding your feelings, this relationship is going nowhere. Better to cut your losses and get out now.

I know, when I told him I was going, he just said he was off out. Didn’t want to talk, although I think we’d probably said all there was to say. He came back and saw my bags packed and said he was going to walk her dog. FFS I sound like such a mug don’t I? He just said he wanted me to be happy we were going round in circles not getting anywhere, which was true to an extent.

realistically I know he’ll never change, but why do I want him to so much. I’ve been reading posts on here about the pick me dance, I’ve been doing a bit of that, unknowingly, but I know I’ve got to keep my self respect.

He will be begging you to come back at some point. Be ready for that.

You summed it up perfectly.

He doesn't really want you be happy though, does he? He's not prepared to stop mooning after this woman and doing all the tasks she makes up for him so they can spend time together. Even though it quite rightly upsets you.

He is taking the absolute piss frankly.

And he's getting much more of a buzz from this woman and her attention than he is from your relationship. It's really cruel actually.

I doubt he thinks you will actually ever really leave him so he can continue as he is. After all, that woman who blanked you but focused on him wasn't enough for you to leave him when he did nothing about that.

So, in his mind, this current situation won't make you leave either. Which is why he wasn't flustered at the sight of your packed bags.

The ball really is in your court now. Either spend the rest of your life anticipating the next opportunity he has to show you huge disrespect or get rid of him and focus on yourself and a new life full of boundaries so nobody can ever treat you this way again.

It's really horrible situation to be in. But I think for your personal survival, your well being and happiness, this chap has to go.

I don’t think he will. This whole thing seems to be about control and dominance in the relationship.

He may or not be interested in the neighbour but he’s using her to assert his power over OP.

Every time OP tries to assert herself he gets angry, gaslights or ignores her. He’s hardly going to be falling over himself to beg for her to return. He’ll be far too pissed off she’s dared to do it in the first place. He’d probably far rather let things end than lose face. It’s a matter of pride. His ego is obv far too fragile for it.

By leaving OP has possibly given him the inclination/excuse to go to the neighbour, but if that’s the case, he’s hardly a prize partner is he. Why would anyone still want him? Absolutely no respect there whatsoever.

OP - you need to start telling ppl what he’s been doing. You don’t have to be bitchy and overt bits amazing what other ppl can pick up by reading between the lines.

Do yourself a favour and don’t give them an easy ride. You’ll feel so much better if you can continue to hang onto your self respect. Walking away was a big step and brilliant one 👏🏻 carry on! 👍🏻

He is some piece of work op.

He has shown you that she is more important to him than you and your totally valid feelings.

Im so angry for you. The neighbour is also a total cow.

He will be begging you to come back at some point. Be ready for that.

@Sceptical123
I don't think he will either, he's firmly showing op that he holds the power in this relationship.

Amber, he is not a safe partner, he will constantly bring in and search for these vile women who enjoy being placed above a primary partner, it's intentional, he's not just not protecting you, he is actively wanting to triangulate and throw you into competing with others.

He is not a kind man, probably fucked up by his upbringing, maybe he hates women deep down.

You will never be able to negotiate any type of equality within this relationship, for some reason in his mind you have become the enemy.
You need to run, he will get worse.