Really need an outside perspective please.

[AmberExpert]

First time poster, long-time lurker. Really need some impartial advice as I've no one I can speak too IRL. it's going to be a long one, so you might need a coffee and some biscuits....

Me and my OH are in our early 50s, not married. He's very friendly, outgoing and would do anything for anyone. There's a lady who lives near us who is a similar age to us, widowed three or four years ago. Recently she's started to regularly ask my OH to do jobs for her, putting pictures up, odd jobs around the house, doing gardening, walking her dog, the list goes on. It feels a bit like she says jump and he says how high.... She texts him regularly and will also send other non related texts such as photos of places she's at or events that she's attending or just general how are you texts. She sent a text last weekend saying 'Happy friday' with a picture of a walk she was on. He has recently been admitted to hospital for a few days and she has been texting to see how he is, sending him get well wishes etc. I saw her briefly during this time and was suprised at her level of concern for him.

When he's doing these jobs they always end in a coffee and a chat and he can be there a while. She is fit and active for her age, and I suspect she can do some of these jobs herself. She sometimes offers to pay him but not very often and will sometimes give him a bottle of wine. One of our neighbours commented recently that it's a good job I'm not a jealous person as he spends such a lot of time at her house!

I know her reasonably well, we've got each others mobile number, but she never texts me about anything, its always my OH. He will sometimes ask me to join him when he goes round, sometimes I go, but not often. I don't feel particularly comfortable around her, I'm not sure why, it's unusual for me to be like this.

I have voiced my concerns that she is becoming more 'needy' for want of a better word, and I feel uncomfortable about the amount of time he spends around there, as this is increasing to 3 or 4 times a week. He has told me that he doesn't fancy he's happy to help her, she's a good friend and neighbour and that I'm being paranoid.

Sometimes we can have a rational conversation about this, other times he blows up at me and can get very angry at me and accuses me of not trusting him. I do trust him, but I find the texting and requests for help excessive.

I'm not sure what to think if I'm honest, my gut feeling is that there is something off, I think she likes to have him doing all this for her, she says things like I'm lucky to have a man who can. And if I'm honest I think my OH likes the attention from her.

I've asked if he'll perhaps back off a bit, but he says he's not doing anything wrong and he'll continue to help her. I feel a bit like he's not really considering my feelings, but then I think am I being unreasonable, he's only helping a neighbour?

Please could you give me your honest opinions and if I just need to accept its a friendship and I've nothing to worry about.

thank you if you got this far, sorry its so long.

You’re absolutely right, I don’t think he expected me to go. And even said I’d be back in a couple of days feeling all sheepish about it all.

The space away from the situation is helping. I know I can’t carry on like this, if it’s not this neighbour it’ll be someone else. And I just don’t have the strength or resilience to go through it again and again.

Thank you again for your wise words x

You’re right, I know you are, it’s just so hard to get my head around it, and accept I don’t mean as much to him as I thought I did.

I really don’t think he will, his mantra is if you’re not happy do something about it. He will move on and not look back I’m sure of it.

Thanks sceptical123. He definitely won’t be begging me to come back, I’m sure about that. The bits he’s told me about previous relationships is that he’s quick to cut ties, so I imagine it’ll be the same for me.

I don’t think I can face telling anyone what’s been going on. He will just turn it round so that I’m the jealous, paranoid, psychotic woman who has made his life hell. He is so popular and everyone without exception thinks he’s great. They tell me regularly how lucky I am. No one has ever said that to him about me. But I’m not feeling sorry for myself that’s the reality of the situation that I’m in. I just want to retreat with dignity and my head held high. I don’t want this to turn into a soap opera for everyone to get involved in.

I’m worn out and worn down by it all.

Op, we are all willing a much much better and happier life for you. It sounds so rotten and hard on you right now.

You don't have to tell anyone who, what, why, when about anything or any one of your decisions.

You just do what is right for you and your future.

I reckon he cuts ties quickly with people once he's been rumbled because he knows the game is up and there is little point in him fighting for a relationship when he's simply not prepared to acknowledge to admit where it went wrong, much less make reasonable changes.

All courage and power to you.

Surely friends help each other out. ? Hes asked you to go along. You refuse.

I think you're being a bit paranoid

Pay to undertake the freedom programme... you can find it online. Itll be best £12 you've spent. Undertake it whilst you are NC. PLEASE DO THIS.

Thank you, I feel like I need lots of courage now to get over the last hurdle.

I’m sure you’re right about the cutting ties quickly, he does that and doesn’t look back. He’s done that with a couple of his male friends that I know about. He won’t want to fight for me, I think he’ll just shrug his shoulders and think oh well, another one bites the dust and move on. My already rock bottom self esteem is finding this really hard, but I guess there’s only one way and that’s up.

I’ll have a look at this now, thank you.

@AmberExpert - you wrote "We moved about 5 years ago to the south coast, away from a lot of my friends, so I have felt very isolated"

First off - I'd like to sincerely apologise for my initial post where I posted that if you had a male friend that you could test the theory you have about how he says if you were doing what he does to you he wouldn't care. That was glib and wrong of me. With the thread having developed since my post I see that it wasn't suitable or right to post that, reading what I have about your OH.

Next, in relation to your comment above, I would suggest that you try to move back to the area (not the exact town/village but close-ish) to where you were happiest. None of the people who 'liked' him need know why you are no longer together, just reply "Things just didn't work out between us" if you're asked and if people keep pressing just say "I'd rather not talk about it, it's still quite raw" or something similar. By moving closer to your original location, you're able to resume the friendships that you may have lost by moving to the south coast.

Stay strong - you have inner strength that you haven't even tapped into yet and you will get through this.

Thank you so much, and no apology needed at all. I have moved around a fair bit with work, I work remotely so I've had the freedom to do this, but definitely can't imagine staying near to where I am, as beautiful as it is. I will move to be in closer proximity to the people that mean the most to me.

I'm not very good at batting off inquisitive people, but I will remember those phrases, I'm sure I will be using them a lot. I might share with my closest couple of friends what has been going on so they can support me, but for everyone else it will be bare minimum. I know if I was to share more I'd end up over sharing, over explaining and ending up getting myself deeper into it, when that's not what I need right now.

Thanks for coming back on though, I appreciate it.

I'm not so sure that everyone will believe him. He's already caused a neighbour to comment that he's always round that woman's house so don't be surprised if his behaviour has been talked about disapprovingly. They'll put 2 and 2 together if you don't return.

I know it's hard to walk away but he will never change and from your posts has treated you with very little respect during your relationship. It takes a bigger person to walk away. I'd he was doing nothing wrong he would be doing everything it takes to reassure you... He isn't is he... Good luck OP x

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Also, the next woman will get exactly what he’s given you OP. She thinks she’s onto a winner. She deserves everything he has in store for her and she will realise what a mistake she made and see you in a completely different light.

She’s a despicable woman. Even if he told her it was no trouble at all she should have had the grace to know how she’d have felt if it was her and stopped. Well, she’ll certainly find out won’t she. Utter cow.

Just a thought...how did you meet him?? Men rarely change tactics do they? Did he 'rescue' you by any chance, or put on the charm? Did he do little chores and stuff for you, and now he doesn't?
Maybe this is why you had Spidey senses when the neighbour kept finding jobs for him?

I'd come out of a long term relationship, looking back I think I wasca bit lost. He swooped in, in typical knight in shining armour and swept me off my feet. What a cliche eh? Lots of compliments, I was the best thing ever, best partner he'd ever had. What a mug I was.

@AmberExpert so he isn't getting the same hero worship he got from you, and he is seeking his next fix which now we know as the neighbour. I really feel for you it's awful. Do you want to stay with him? You could act the same as neighbour and ask him to do things for you, try and get the spark back maybe???

It’s a heart v head thing, as much as I’d love to stay with him, I know that I would never have any peace or feel secure. I know I can’t live like that. In the space of a few days I’ve left my home and am thinking my relationship is over. I feel like I’m on a roller coaster, and I just want to get off and stop my head spinning. One minute I think I can’t live with him, then I can’t live without him. I can’t believe I’m mid 50s and feeling like this.

@AmberExpert you say
We’re not married, he was very persistent about getting married, but I wasn’t keen. He said he wanted to get married to make me feel more secure. I told him getting married wouldn’t do that.

I don't understand why you now want to stay with him. If it's true that he wanted to get married and you didn't then it could go someway to explaIning the situation you are in. What else would you have liked him to do to make you feel more secure?
You also mention a lot of shouting so I wonder whether this really is the relationship for you.

Thats a good question, he knew when we got together that I never wanted to marry again. He said he wanted to get married to make me more secure. I felt that getting married wouldn’t change anything or make me more secure, his actions should do that. He also used to say he wanted to marry me for my pension. He said it was a joke, but it always had a ring of truth to it which made me wary.

@AmberExpert

In view of your above response, I think you are correct in being cautious, especially the pension thing would ring a few warning bells for me.

Sadly, there are quite a few men in our age category who are looking for what is called a nurse with a purse.

I hope you haven't invested a lot of money since you've been with him.

Having read through the accounts of how he is and his love bombing ways and being able to switch on and off so quickly, as well as his gas lighting, the phrase, covert narcissist, comes to mind after reading everything about him.

I’m starting to read a lot about narcissistic abuse, and he certainly seems to have a lot of the traits of this.

I have spent quite a bit of money on our house, in fact he used to tell me that I was more generous than anyone else he’d had a relationship with. I always paid my own way, more so sometimes. He always maintained the pension comments were a joke, but it never felt funny to me.

I own my house and have a good pension, but my partner has never intimated he is with me for that. He has told you how he is and now hes probably shrugging his shoulders to Miss Neighbour and saying that you knew how he was